I would like to start off with a dedication to a close friend.
RIP Nobby Stone.
We shall never forget you.
Ok, can't linger on it because I will just break down. Well, where to start.
I am currently sat in class at Uni. Yes I got into my second year and so far it's been anything but boring. The first project was so boundless and yet so confusing that we were left with little or nothing to do. The second project, they're putting us in groups so we don't get to chose. I swear, if I have to work alone then I will.
Secondly, I wanted to go to Pandemonia this month. With a week to go, Nathan tells me he can't go because he has a gig. If he can't go, I can't go because unless I get somewhere to stay, I can't get there and back as it's all the way in Portsmouth. Now the band that Nathan is playing CAN play without him. It's not ideal, but they can do it and pull it off. But he wants to go because he likes the venue. ONCE AGAIN I have to put myself aside for him and his band. And then he gets annoyed because I'd been upset about it all day and today. Well why the fuck shouldn't I be?! I've been looking forward to this, planning and preparing for the two months since the last one and now one week to go you tell me you have a gig that you forgot about. Fuck you. And then I put on Facebook status if anyone is going out that night in town, I want to go out and socialise seeing as I can't do it at Pandemonia. And low and behold, Nathan's mum comments saying about the gig! That's what I should do this weekend! NO! FUCK OFF! I don't want to go to another fucking gig especially for a band that despite the amount of their gigs I've been to, far more than any one else other than Jess, neither of us get a fucking mention or a thanks for being there while they're on mic. However, one girl turns up with her friends and the entire fucking gig was basically dedicated to her. Fuck right off. If you don't appreciate me being there, I'm not gonna fucking waste my time. Anyway, I then go to Nathans and his mum approaches me telling me to bring all my friends to the gig as it's in the same town and that I have to go to keep her company. No. I'm not going just to keep you happy and keep you from looking a loner. I want to go out and do something to make me happy and where I can have fun. I get so fucking bored at the gigs because Nathan is actually on stage, he hardly talks to me cos he's either talking to the band or the friends and fans that have attended. I'm not condemning that, that's what he should be doing. But I don't see why I can't go out and do something else every once in a while.
I'm fed up of putting other people in front of me, I'm so miserable right now and fed up of this routine that once again, I have sunk into and it's eating me up. I can't til I get paid so I can afford my own things and do something on my own without relying on other people.
Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I'm even alive.
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Totally Amazing!
How often can you say that you know how it feels to be completely comfortable with someone?
I've just spent two amazing days at His place. We spent majority of the time cuddled up, talking, laughing, singing, making strange noises!
Any other time I do this, people look at me as though I'm a stupid fool being immature. But with Him, he joins in and we both laugh! He laughs with me! We are both as random and spontaneous as each other. And I thought it was really strange but funny when we discovered that he was born on the first day of Aquarius and I was born on the last day!
I've just spent two amazing days at His place. We spent majority of the time cuddled up, talking, laughing, singing, making strange noises!
Any other time I do this, people look at me as though I'm a stupid fool being immature. But with Him, he joins in and we both laugh! He laughs with me! We are both as random and spontaneous as each other. And I thought it was really strange but funny when we discovered that he was born on the first day of Aquarius and I was born on the last day!
Well this is new!
Ok so it's been a while. Infact more than a while o.O
I don't work at the pub anymore, I work in a store. Better money, good job and close to home. I'm studying Digital Media Production at the AUCB. Just finished my first year, that's going well! Have yet to find out if I've made it into second =/
I'm still with Nathan. Not surprising really. I've had doubts sometimes, not about whether he's the one but about things getting boring. Ok, so not doubts so much as worries! But low and behold, things haven't become anywhere near boring. On the 30th, we're going to Pandemonia. A fetish club in Portsmouth. He's my sub and I got him a lead and collar just for it ^_^ I've also ended up with another sub =/ not quite sure how to deal with her. So I've bought myself a book on good girl female dominance. Better than nothing! Everyone seems to think I live in these kind of places. Don't know how they got that idea . . .
Anyway I spend alot of my time now playing games so . . . I'm a go do that and stay out of trouble!! ^_^
I don't work at the pub anymore, I work in a store. Better money, good job and close to home. I'm studying Digital Media Production at the AUCB. Just finished my first year, that's going well! Have yet to find out if I've made it into second =/
I'm still with Nathan. Not surprising really. I've had doubts sometimes, not about whether he's the one but about things getting boring. Ok, so not doubts so much as worries! But low and behold, things haven't become anywhere near boring. On the 30th, we're going to Pandemonia. A fetish club in Portsmouth. He's my sub and I got him a lead and collar just for it ^_^ I've also ended up with another sub =/ not quite sure how to deal with her. So I've bought myself a book on good girl female dominance. Better than nothing! Everyone seems to think I live in these kind of places. Don't know how they got that idea . . .
Anyway I spend alot of my time now playing games so . . . I'm a go do that and stay out of trouble!! ^_^
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
Life Has Become Monotonous
Nothing seems to excite me anymore. Work has become dull and now just a chore and not even the single bit of pleasure. The fact that the management is so shockingly CRAP just adds to it. If I want anything done, I have to do it myself. Even my NVQ that requires evidence, no good asking them. I must get it myself.
This boredom of life is only temporary though. I don't want to plan for any more film shoots as 1. I don't have the money and 2. I'm going to Philippines in two weeks. So filming anything now will just stump my creativity as when it comes to editing, I'll be in full flow and then have to leave it for 3 weeks and I dare not interfere with my own creative flow. Once it starts, I'm not going to stifle it.
Even the relationship has become somewhat duller. Not by any fault of our own though. We just don't have the money to go out and do the things we want to do due to Philippines. No doubt that we won't be short of excitement once we get there. It's just a matter of killing time. I'm a little bit concerned for when we come back though. I have officially seen him every single day this year and now we're going on our first holiday together, well with family, but the weekend after we get back, he's away in london and I won't see him for 3 days. I'm slightly concerned that I'm going to become mentally, emotionally and physically too attached to him and will possibly be texting him all the time, wanting to know where he is, what he's doing etc. And I can already imagine that the scars will reopen and some trust issues may arise. The simple case of "I trust you, I just don't trust anyone else". Or is it? I don't know. I'll come to that hurdle later and deal with it then, something might happen between now and then.
I also miss my drumming!! My musical creativity has become stumped due to not having anything to play!!!! I want to write music/lyrics to something but what can you do with it after? Nothing! Western Sand have a song that has a few lyrics I wrote which, I was rather proud about. But I don't think they've recorded it for their new album.
Friendships seem to have deteriated. My ex-best mate has become so distant to me that I'm not really caring if I never see her again. I miss my Godson and feel sad that I'm missing the age in his life where his smiles are their most cutest and other such things. But that's not my fault if the mother won't let me see him ¬¬ In which case, just encourages me not to damn well care at all. I won't waste my time. She used to keep telling me "you can't just throw away 10 years of our friendship away". And now I'm trying to make the effort, she doesn't want to know. So fine.
On the other hand, I have been chatting more to my dearest Wife, Meggy Moo which has uplifted me and become a rather highlighted event in my currently dull being. Although it also brings sadness knowing that this time is shortlived as she's due to move to London in some point during the year for uni.
I really need to start doing something with my life. I feel so dull and dismal and depressed that nothing is moving forward. And one thing I am wishing for, is for the band to get somewhere. And I'm hoping they'd let me come with them. I wish I could be part of it, even in the background making this documentary would be enough for me. I just want to be doing something exciting that can be sometimes unpredictable, fun and involves travelling.
I don't know. I guess I don't really know what I want. But I know that I haven't got it at the moment.
LIFE IS BORING ME!!!! ¬¬
This boredom of life is only temporary though. I don't want to plan for any more film shoots as 1. I don't have the money and 2. I'm going to Philippines in two weeks. So filming anything now will just stump my creativity as when it comes to editing, I'll be in full flow and then have to leave it for 3 weeks and I dare not interfere with my own creative flow. Once it starts, I'm not going to stifle it.
Even the relationship has become somewhat duller. Not by any fault of our own though. We just don't have the money to go out and do the things we want to do due to Philippines. No doubt that we won't be short of excitement once we get there. It's just a matter of killing time. I'm a little bit concerned for when we come back though. I have officially seen him every single day this year and now we're going on our first holiday together, well with family, but the weekend after we get back, he's away in london and I won't see him for 3 days. I'm slightly concerned that I'm going to become mentally, emotionally and physically too attached to him and will possibly be texting him all the time, wanting to know where he is, what he's doing etc. And I can already imagine that the scars will reopen and some trust issues may arise. The simple case of "I trust you, I just don't trust anyone else". Or is it? I don't know. I'll come to that hurdle later and deal with it then, something might happen between now and then.
I also miss my drumming!! My musical creativity has become stumped due to not having anything to play!!!! I want to write music/lyrics to something but what can you do with it after? Nothing! Western Sand have a song that has a few lyrics I wrote which, I was rather proud about. But I don't think they've recorded it for their new album.
Friendships seem to have deteriated. My ex-best mate has become so distant to me that I'm not really caring if I never see her again. I miss my Godson and feel sad that I'm missing the age in his life where his smiles are their most cutest and other such things. But that's not my fault if the mother won't let me see him ¬¬ In which case, just encourages me not to damn well care at all. I won't waste my time. She used to keep telling me "you can't just throw away 10 years of our friendship away". And now I'm trying to make the effort, she doesn't want to know. So fine.
On the other hand, I have been chatting more to my dearest Wife, Meggy Moo which has uplifted me and become a rather highlighted event in my currently dull being. Although it also brings sadness knowing that this time is shortlived as she's due to move to London in some point during the year for uni.
I really need to start doing something with my life. I feel so dull and dismal and depressed that nothing is moving forward. And one thing I am wishing for, is for the band to get somewhere. And I'm hoping they'd let me come with them. I wish I could be part of it, even in the background making this documentary would be enough for me. I just want to be doing something exciting that can be sometimes unpredictable, fun and involves travelling.
I don't know. I guess I don't really know what I want. But I know that I haven't got it at the moment.
LIFE IS BORING ME!!!! ¬¬
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Love Is...
I just have to do this.
This is to the one I call "Smiggle".
You are the very reason I live each day.
You're the very reason I ever smile these days.
You're the exact reason why my my past is full of hurt, so that you could make my future even happier.
"Where is the day without a night?"
You're cuddles bring the warmth that only an Angel could give.
Your eyes possess the power to either bring me up or tear me down.
Your lips hold me like in a trance and immediately I am under your spell.
If you were a drug, I'd be a happy junkie living purely off you.
If you were a disease, I'd rather die infected than be cured.
If you were a Vampire, please let me be your bride.
If you're temptation, I'd take every bite I could and gladly suffer for my sins if it meant I could get another bite afterwards.
You've opened a whole new side of my existence that I never even realised was there. There are things that I am doing purely because of you. There are ideas in my head, dreams in my eyes, hopes in my heart, pride in my voice, confidence in my looks, peace in my hands, your name in my veins, I can barely remember how it used to feel being hidden from the world.
I just can't describe what you've done to me.
But everything you've done to me - I like it. I adore it. I crave it.
And I hope that you feel the same.
But if you are to ever leave, I will crumble. Like never before. Forgive me, but I will wish that the same will happen to you. That without me, you will feel like nothing. Not that I'd ever want it to happen, but they say "you don't know what you've got til it's gone". So I try and imagine life without you and it makes me feel even luckier to have you and my gratitude and adoration for you grows.
I do everything for a reason.
That reason is You
This is to the one I call "Smiggle".
You are the very reason I live each day.
You're the very reason I ever smile these days.
You're the exact reason why my my past is full of hurt, so that you could make my future even happier.
"Where is the day without a night?"
You're cuddles bring the warmth that only an Angel could give.
Your eyes possess the power to either bring me up or tear me down.
Your lips hold me like in a trance and immediately I am under your spell.
If you were a drug, I'd be a happy junkie living purely off you.
If you were a disease, I'd rather die infected than be cured.
If you were a Vampire, please let me be your bride.
If you're temptation, I'd take every bite I could and gladly suffer for my sins if it meant I could get another bite afterwards.
You've opened a whole new side of my existence that I never even realised was there. There are things that I am doing purely because of you. There are ideas in my head, dreams in my eyes, hopes in my heart, pride in my voice, confidence in my looks, peace in my hands, your name in my veins, I can barely remember how it used to feel being hidden from the world.
I just can't describe what you've done to me.
But everything you've done to me - I like it. I adore it. I crave it.
And I hope that you feel the same.
But if you are to ever leave, I will crumble. Like never before. Forgive me, but I will wish that the same will happen to you. That without me, you will feel like nothing. Not that I'd ever want it to happen, but they say "you don't know what you've got til it's gone". So I try and imagine life without you and it makes me feel even luckier to have you and my gratitude and adoration for you grows.
I do everything for a reason.
That reason is You
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Sunday, 21 February 2010
WTF Seriously?!
If you watch porn with your partner, it's fine. If they watch it without you, its an insult!! WTF!!
Ok I don't quite understand my own trail of thought here and why the fuck it's fucked me off so fucking much!!
I watch porn, I'm not afraid to admit that. He watches it with me, but he'd rather watch our own home videos. Fair enough. Tried to watch other porn with him, didn't do anything for him. Now he's watching it without me and specifically blowjob stuff. WHAT THE FUCK EVER HAPPENED TO "I don't really watch it 'cos I just end up comparing myself to them". And yet blowjobs is the worst one to pick??!?!!?
I don't fucking understand why it's fucked me off.
And that fucks me off even more.
AND THEN THE FACT THAT HE TAKES SO FUCKING LONG TO REPLY TO ME ON MSN JUST GOES TO SHOW HE'S MORE FUCKING INTERESTED IN THAT THAN ME!!!!
I guess its that, that properly fucks me off.
FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!
Whats the fucking difference whether he watches it with me or not?!?!? Why does it make me feel like shit just cos I'm not there!!!! I'm the one with all the fucking toys and all he's got is his hand so I should let him have his porn for fuck sake!! It's only fair!! I don't even know how he feels about me having toys, and I make it clear to him that I use them when I'm home without him! It's my way of masturbating! In some respect I kinda feel sorry for blokes cos all they have is their hand to help them physically.
Strange, I've reasoned with myself why I have no right to feel such hatred. And yet, a little part of me still wants to smash his face in and end the whole thing.
Not that I would. That little tiny bit of me is ruled out by the other 99.9% of me.
Jealousy and Wrath are a terrible sin.
Ok I don't quite understand my own trail of thought here and why the fuck it's fucked me off so fucking much!!
I watch porn, I'm not afraid to admit that. He watches it with me, but he'd rather watch our own home videos. Fair enough. Tried to watch other porn with him, didn't do anything for him. Now he's watching it without me and specifically blowjob stuff. WHAT THE FUCK EVER HAPPENED TO "I don't really watch it 'cos I just end up comparing myself to them". And yet blowjobs is the worst one to pick??!?!!?
I don't fucking understand why it's fucked me off.
And that fucks me off even more.
AND THEN THE FACT THAT HE TAKES SO FUCKING LONG TO REPLY TO ME ON MSN JUST GOES TO SHOW HE'S MORE FUCKING INTERESTED IN THAT THAN ME!!!!
I guess its that, that properly fucks me off.
FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!
Whats the fucking difference whether he watches it with me or not?!?!? Why does it make me feel like shit just cos I'm not there!!!! I'm the one with all the fucking toys and all he's got is his hand so I should let him have his porn for fuck sake!! It's only fair!! I don't even know how he feels about me having toys, and I make it clear to him that I use them when I'm home without him! It's my way of masturbating! In some respect I kinda feel sorry for blokes cos all they have is their hand to help them physically.
Strange, I've reasoned with myself why I have no right to feel such hatred. And yet, a little part of me still wants to smash his face in and end the whole thing.
Not that I would. That little tiny bit of me is ruled out by the other 99.9% of me.
Jealousy and Wrath are a terrible sin.
Friday, 5 February 2010
History Is Never Far Behind
Don't you find it strange how, when you have a good memory, you sometimes have trouble remembering it. Yet when something terrible happens, the smallest event can remind you of the hurt you felt. And yet again, we're not supposed to remember pain?
I find myself once again in a fight against my own mind and the memories of the past.
All he did was throw his phone across the room.
And yet somehow, just from that one event, in a flash through my mind I saw a fist coming at me. Obviously not his, but a memory replaying itself infront of my eyes. Since when did a phone represent a hand??!
But its the series of events and the actions that followed that haunt me.
When I first got with Shaun, every time he raised his arm to hug me, I flinched. That made him cry. It made me realise also just how badly Graham had affected me.
The first time Jonny got violent around me, it didn't matter so much as he went after others looking for a stress relief and somehow in my mind, it made me laugh as it wasn't me he was after.
When with Rob, he got mad at someone or something and again, threw his phone and slammed doors and I just hid under the duvet of the bed and felt like crying. My insides just began to shake and my nerves were all over the place. My supposed pillar of strength, had just crumbled to the sin of wrath. And that scared me.
And now it happens once again. He throws his phone in an angry rage across the room. Again, my pillar of hope, strength and love has succumb to Wrath and my entire body shivered, my heart sank and my mind wanted to withdraw into its own pit of silence and mumbles of fear. But I overcame it and I spoke to him, got him to talk to me about why. It started to work, he started to talk to me and explain. But then he turned his back on me and left me against a cold wall.
I just wanted to cry.
I had suddenly been transformed in my mind into a small child, abandoned by the one they looked up to. But in my mind I know he probably had no intention of making it seem like that.
and herein lies the tragedy. The joys of having the most hateful, hurtful, violent and painful relationship as the first one you experience in life. Everything else becomes tainted with all these nightmares and fears. Doubts and Paranoia that you thought had gone forever, suddenly return with vengeance with just one little move.
It is something I have to get used to. It's a different matter when we're both angry at the same thing. But it's when he's more annoyed than I am, I think! I don't know, I'm not entirely sure why some things trigger it and others don't. Maybe it's because when Graham was violent and angry, I was fine and in a happy mood. Only to be shot down. Maybe it's that, that when I'm happy, I'm at my weakest, my defences are not up in my mind and it's like shooting an officer who hasn't got his bullet proof vest on because he's off duty and leading his normal life. Yes, now I think about it, it makes perfect sense.
Living with Graham put constant fear into my heart. And for some reason, as I listened to Evanescence, I felt stronger. And maybe that's why I love the band so much, they remind me of how strong I used to feel, how strong I can be, maybe thats why.
Now I remember.
I find myself once again in a fight against my own mind and the memories of the past.
All he did was throw his phone across the room.
And yet somehow, just from that one event, in a flash through my mind I saw a fist coming at me. Obviously not his, but a memory replaying itself infront of my eyes. Since when did a phone represent a hand??!
But its the series of events and the actions that followed that haunt me.
When I first got with Shaun, every time he raised his arm to hug me, I flinched. That made him cry. It made me realise also just how badly Graham had affected me.
The first time Jonny got violent around me, it didn't matter so much as he went after others looking for a stress relief and somehow in my mind, it made me laugh as it wasn't me he was after.
When with Rob, he got mad at someone or something and again, threw his phone and slammed doors and I just hid under the duvet of the bed and felt like crying. My insides just began to shake and my nerves were all over the place. My supposed pillar of strength, had just crumbled to the sin of wrath. And that scared me.
And now it happens once again. He throws his phone in an angry rage across the room. Again, my pillar of hope, strength and love has succumb to Wrath and my entire body shivered, my heart sank and my mind wanted to withdraw into its own pit of silence and mumbles of fear. But I overcame it and I spoke to him, got him to talk to me about why. It started to work, he started to talk to me and explain. But then he turned his back on me and left me against a cold wall.
I just wanted to cry.
I had suddenly been transformed in my mind into a small child, abandoned by the one they looked up to. But in my mind I know he probably had no intention of making it seem like that.
and herein lies the tragedy. The joys of having the most hateful, hurtful, violent and painful relationship as the first one you experience in life. Everything else becomes tainted with all these nightmares and fears. Doubts and Paranoia that you thought had gone forever, suddenly return with vengeance with just one little move.
It is something I have to get used to. It's a different matter when we're both angry at the same thing. But it's when he's more annoyed than I am, I think! I don't know, I'm not entirely sure why some things trigger it and others don't. Maybe it's because when Graham was violent and angry, I was fine and in a happy mood. Only to be shot down. Maybe it's that, that when I'm happy, I'm at my weakest, my defences are not up in my mind and it's like shooting an officer who hasn't got his bullet proof vest on because he's off duty and leading his normal life. Yes, now I think about it, it makes perfect sense.
Living with Graham put constant fear into my heart. And for some reason, as I listened to Evanescence, I felt stronger. And maybe that's why I love the band so much, they remind me of how strong I used to feel, how strong I can be, maybe thats why.
Now I remember.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Friday, 15 January 2010
Lack Of Inspiration
I think I've just lost all sanity once again. ¬¬
Not only was the IUD the single most horrendous experience of my life, I think it's completely killed my fire too. o.O
I'm finding myself building up with some sort of creativity or craving for it in my mind, but there is nothing to inspire it. I'm thinking of something to do with music but where I don't have a keyboard nor any musical instrument in my house for that matter, I don't have much to work with. I can't play guitar so I can't even use His guitar to strum a few things and drums don't have a "key" as such. Wow, how much was I bullshitting when I told Rob that drumming could open a whole new world of music to me when actually it's just brought me to a complete freakin' stop. ¬¬
Rather wishing I had my keyboard right now.
Poetry also, or song writing, once again is stifled due to lack of musical instruments. And yes, although myself and Him have written a song, he doesn't hear what I hear in my head and nor can I convey to him what I'm trying to achieve as his taste in music is rather different, even though a similar genre, still different in many aspects.
On top of that, Marsai and Diane are looking to make another appearance in my life again. For those who don't know, you don't want to know! Trust me! It's just bad news all round.
And then there's all this damned shite going on with other certain people. I haven't spoken to her for over a year and all of a sudden it's all just clicked that she was behind everything from the bloody start. Even my mum said that her DAD could have been involved in it also! I mean, what the fuck! Seriously! As we get older we're supposed to be more mature but he seems to be stuck in his secondary school ball sack stage? What a cock. I'll make sure I see them both put away. c!#ts
Anyway, everything else is trundling along pretty fine. I think His parents may be getting a bit peeved at me though. Last night there was an arguement cos they thought I'd gone home and actually I was still here. Felt really bad. Think I may be spending too much time to an extent I should practically be paying rent! >.< I'm not normally one to take advantage of situations unless I have no idea who the other people are involved, in which case I wouldn't give a damn hahahaha! But no, I know these people and have much respect for them after what they've already done for me so no, I refuse to take advantage on any situation.
I've also applied on UCAS. My god. I had to PAY to APPLY?!?!?!?!? WTF!!!! The government are concerned that not enough people are going on to further education and such and are giving out grants and whatever they can and yet charge for you to APPLY for the course WHEN YOU MAY NOT EVEN GET IT!!! Now I see where the full circle comes in. ¬¬ Going to be taken round the Uni at some point, private tour, woop woop! See if I like it, although I don't think it's a case of not liking the course, it's a case of whether I can do it or not as writing the damn thing is not a strong point of mine. >.< YES I know that I can write essays of SHIT but not anything that actually freaking matters. When I try and think about my work and what I'm doing, my mind just completely goes into over drive, thinks way too much and then over complicates it for me and I cant think what I'm damn well writing!!!! Yet if I spoke to my tutor bout it, I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. What a load of shite. ¬¬
Lame.
Joys of being mentally unstable.
Pleasant Screams.
Not only was the IUD the single most horrendous experience of my life, I think it's completely killed my fire too. o.O
I'm finding myself building up with some sort of creativity or craving for it in my mind, but there is nothing to inspire it. I'm thinking of something to do with music but where I don't have a keyboard nor any musical instrument in my house for that matter, I don't have much to work with. I can't play guitar so I can't even use His guitar to strum a few things and drums don't have a "key" as such. Wow, how much was I bullshitting when I told Rob that drumming could open a whole new world of music to me when actually it's just brought me to a complete freakin' stop. ¬¬
Rather wishing I had my keyboard right now.
Poetry also, or song writing, once again is stifled due to lack of musical instruments. And yes, although myself and Him have written a song, he doesn't hear what I hear in my head and nor can I convey to him what I'm trying to achieve as his taste in music is rather different, even though a similar genre, still different in many aspects.
On top of that, Marsai and Diane are looking to make another appearance in my life again. For those who don't know, you don't want to know! Trust me! It's just bad news all round.
And then there's all this damned shite going on with other certain people. I haven't spoken to her for over a year and all of a sudden it's all just clicked that she was behind everything from the bloody start. Even my mum said that her DAD could have been involved in it also! I mean, what the fuck! Seriously! As we get older we're supposed to be more mature but he seems to be stuck in his secondary school ball sack stage? What a cock. I'll make sure I see them both put away. c!#ts
Anyway, everything else is trundling along pretty fine. I think His parents may be getting a bit peeved at me though. Last night there was an arguement cos they thought I'd gone home and actually I was still here. Felt really bad. Think I may be spending too much time to an extent I should practically be paying rent! >.< I'm not normally one to take advantage of situations unless I have no idea who the other people are involved, in which case I wouldn't give a damn hahahaha! But no, I know these people and have much respect for them after what they've already done for me so no, I refuse to take advantage on any situation.
I've also applied on UCAS. My god. I had to PAY to APPLY?!?!?!?!? WTF!!!! The government are concerned that not enough people are going on to further education and such and are giving out grants and whatever they can and yet charge for you to APPLY for the course WHEN YOU MAY NOT EVEN GET IT!!! Now I see where the full circle comes in. ¬¬ Going to be taken round the Uni at some point, private tour, woop woop! See if I like it, although I don't think it's a case of not liking the course, it's a case of whether I can do it or not as writing the damn thing is not a strong point of mine. >.< YES I know that I can write essays of SHIT but not anything that actually freaking matters. When I try and think about my work and what I'm doing, my mind just completely goes into over drive, thinks way too much and then over complicates it for me and I cant think what I'm damn well writing!!!! Yet if I spoke to my tutor bout it, I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. What a load of shite. ¬¬
Lame.
Joys of being mentally unstable.
Pleasant Screams.
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
State of Mind
I feel safe.
Yet I think I'm going crazy.
Is it a good sign if you know you're losing your mind, but you don't mind? Just let it carry on.
How does it feel to be "one". To be in complete harmony with yourself. To be in Nirvana.
I feel like this everytime he holds me in his arms.
I don't want to leave.
I don't want to let go.
I just forget everything.
I forget all my problems.
I forget what I'm thinking.
And I just dream . . .
I feel his warmth.
Hear his heart beating.
Hear his breathing.
I feel his soul.
And it is over powering.
Some people thought you could never feel like this until you die.
So would that make this heaven?
To feel completely free.
I want to do something! But I don't know what.
I want to say something! But it's all just a mumble of words.
I want to make him feel the same! But I am not that great.
I am not God.
I am just little me.
One day, I shall have a career to be proud of. One day I shall have my own family with a happy marriage that I always dreamed of as a child. I will love my children and my husband with everything I am, body, mind and soul. One day.
One day.
I wonder if it will ever happen . . . .
Yet I think I'm going crazy.
Is it a good sign if you know you're losing your mind, but you don't mind? Just let it carry on.
How does it feel to be "one". To be in complete harmony with yourself. To be in Nirvana.
I feel like this everytime he holds me in his arms.
I don't want to leave.
I don't want to let go.
I just forget everything.
I forget all my problems.
I forget what I'm thinking.
And I just dream . . .
I feel his warmth.
Hear his heart beating.
Hear his breathing.
I feel his soul.
And it is over powering.
Some people thought you could never feel like this until you die.
So would that make this heaven?
To feel completely free.
I want to do something! But I don't know what.
I want to say something! But it's all just a mumble of words.
I want to make him feel the same! But I am not that great.
I am not God.
I am just little me.
One day, I shall have a career to be proud of. One day I shall have my own family with a happy marriage that I always dreamed of as a child. I will love my children and my husband with everything I am, body, mind and soul. One day.
One day.
I wonder if it will ever happen . . . .
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
A Pleasure Again
Well after my last rant, I feel much better. I think it was time that "thing" was over and done with.
Onto other news, I feel like I should be doing more with my life. Such as . . . PLAY COD:MW2!!!
Lollage.
I am currently at Nathan's while he packs the car with his kit ready for practice tonight.
Lately I've been having . . . visions? Or what you might call De Ja Vu. But I've been having it to an extreme. Everytime it happens, in the vision I want to say "Ooh, I've done this already" but then when it comes to it, I'm about to say it, and don't. I change what I dreamed. Now, for those who don't know, my dad broke his neck 2 hours into our holiday in Corfu back in May. He's fine but had to wear a neck brace for 8 months. What I don't remember is the dream I had about it. I had told my mum 2 weeks before we went to Corfu, that I had had a vision of my dad sat in the computer chair with a neck brace on. And I didn't know what it meant. I then totally forgot about it and it wasn't til couple of months ago that my mum told my dad what I had dreamt. He then shouted at me for not telling him else he'd have been more careful! But how was I supposed to know?!
Anyway, point being is that I'm starting to freak myself out. I freaked Nathan out a little last night when we were watching Drop Dead Fred and I said, "I've already seen this with you" and he looked totally confused as he had never seen Drop Dead Fred before. I had dreamt it.
My dad is convinced that I have some sort of psychic ability, if you believe in that kind of thing, as his dad used to read tea leaves until he saw 3 peoples deaths and all 3 died exactly a month after they were read. So he stopped. On top of that I do tarot also and all my readings with my blessed and smudged deck have all come out pretty acurate.
Anyway, must dash to practice!
Tally ho!
Onto other news, I feel like I should be doing more with my life. Such as . . . PLAY COD:MW2!!!
Lollage.
I am currently at Nathan's while he packs the car with his kit ready for practice tonight.
Lately I've been having . . . visions? Or what you might call De Ja Vu. But I've been having it to an extreme. Everytime it happens, in the vision I want to say "Ooh, I've done this already" but then when it comes to it, I'm about to say it, and don't. I change what I dreamed. Now, for those who don't know, my dad broke his neck 2 hours into our holiday in Corfu back in May. He's fine but had to wear a neck brace for 8 months. What I don't remember is the dream I had about it. I had told my mum 2 weeks before we went to Corfu, that I had had a vision of my dad sat in the computer chair with a neck brace on. And I didn't know what it meant. I then totally forgot about it and it wasn't til couple of months ago that my mum told my dad what I had dreamt. He then shouted at me for not telling him else he'd have been more careful! But how was I supposed to know?!
Anyway, point being is that I'm starting to freak myself out. I freaked Nathan out a little last night when we were watching Drop Dead Fred and I said, "I've already seen this with you" and he looked totally confused as he had never seen Drop Dead Fred before. I had dreamt it.
My dad is convinced that I have some sort of psychic ability, if you believe in that kind of thing, as his dad used to read tea leaves until he saw 3 peoples deaths and all 3 died exactly a month after they were read. So he stopped. On top of that I do tarot also and all my readings with my blessed and smudged deck have all come out pretty acurate.
Anyway, must dash to practice!
Tally ho!
Monday, 9 November 2009
WHY THE FUCK WHY
I really and truly can't fucking believe how stupid I am.
I predicted what she'd do if one of us apologised and that she'd glorify it. So what did I do? I tried to apologise so that it would be easier for him to get along with her so it wouldn't be so awkward as I thought we'd might as well all be friendly about it.
What did she do?
FUCKING THREW IT BACK IN MY FACE BY GLORIFYING IT TO HIM!!!! MAKING IT SOUND AS IF SHE WAS THE ADULT AND SHE WAS THE ONE MORE MATURE THAN ME!!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I NOT LISTEN TO MY OWN FUCKING ADVICE AND JUST STICK TO MY GUNS!!!
I didn't think she would change and indeed she didn't!!! I never should have even fucking bothered!! Now I feel sick to my stomache that I even done anything and I really feel like seeing her face to face just so I can wipe that smirk off it with the an old rusty knife and then have the local hobo rub salt into her face so everyone can see the puss and infection that her personality is filled with!!!!
Keep it civil?
Don't trust me?
Said some nasty things?
I told you the fucking truth you stupid little cow cos no one else would!! And if you can't accept that you're no fucking God then maybe you should go bury yourself 6 feet under and see if you can escape that one!!!! Cos I'm gonna be sat on top of it pissing on your grave stone so that one day when it finally reaches you down there, you can drown on it!!!!!!
.Do you think it's got me mad?
Oh I think so.
That's it.
FROM HERE ON IN, I NO LONGER KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I DO NOT RECOGNISE THE NAME. I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLUBBING WITH YOU, I WAS NEVER STOOD UP BY YOU (YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH), I NEVER TOOK YOU TO SOUND CIRCUS, I DO NOT KNOW YOUR FACE, YOUR VOICE OR YOUR LAUGH, I DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOU WORK OR WHERE YOU LIVE, I DO NOT KNOW YOUR FAMILY. THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET THROUGH YOU, I HAVE MET THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE. I AM OFFICIALLY ERASING YOU FROM MY MEMORY AND I WILL NOT TAKE NO MORE OF IT.
.They call me the Queen of Revenge cos I was prepared to wait longer than anyone else could, just to get someone back. I once wait 2 years just to slap someone. My chance will come, and I will take it with both hands and destroy you.
I predicted what she'd do if one of us apologised and that she'd glorify it. So what did I do? I tried to apologise so that it would be easier for him to get along with her so it wouldn't be so awkward as I thought we'd might as well all be friendly about it.
What did she do?
FUCKING THREW IT BACK IN MY FACE BY GLORIFYING IT TO HIM!!!! MAKING IT SOUND AS IF SHE WAS THE ADULT AND SHE WAS THE ONE MORE MATURE THAN ME!!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I NOT LISTEN TO MY OWN FUCKING ADVICE AND JUST STICK TO MY GUNS!!!
I didn't think she would change and indeed she didn't!!! I never should have even fucking bothered!! Now I feel sick to my stomache that I even done anything and I really feel like seeing her face to face just so I can wipe that smirk off it with the an old rusty knife and then have the local hobo rub salt into her face so everyone can see the puss and infection that her personality is filled with!!!!
Keep it civil?
Don't trust me?
Said some nasty things?
I told you the fucking truth you stupid little cow cos no one else would!! And if you can't accept that you're no fucking God then maybe you should go bury yourself 6 feet under and see if you can escape that one!!!! Cos I'm gonna be sat on top of it pissing on your grave stone so that one day when it finally reaches you down there, you can drown on it!!!!!!
.Do you think it's got me mad?
Oh I think so.
That's it.
FROM HERE ON IN, I NO LONGER KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I DO NOT RECOGNISE THE NAME. I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLUBBING WITH YOU, I WAS NEVER STOOD UP BY YOU (YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH), I NEVER TOOK YOU TO SOUND CIRCUS, I DO NOT KNOW YOUR FACE, YOUR VOICE OR YOUR LAUGH, I DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOU WORK OR WHERE YOU LIVE, I DO NOT KNOW YOUR FAMILY. THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET THROUGH YOU, I HAVE MET THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE. I AM OFFICIALLY ERASING YOU FROM MY MEMORY AND I WILL NOT TAKE NO MORE OF IT.
.They call me the Queen of Revenge cos I was prepared to wait longer than anyone else could, just to get someone back. I once wait 2 years just to slap someone. My chance will come, and I will take it with both hands and destroy you.
Monday, 5 October 2009
Is It Even Possible?!
This morning, I woke up next to him. I looked into his eyes as he stared back at me with that little smile on his face. If I could've taken a photo of how he looked, right there, exactly as I saw him, I would have treasured that photo forever. It was something that you could not fake like models try in magazines. In his eyes was a true feeling for the moment. And I just wanted to pause time and take in every little bit of it. And it wasn't just his face that was perfect, it was dim in his room where the blinds were still down and everything had a tint of blue to it. Like I said, a photo moment to treasure forever.
Whenever we're out, at work or at his, I can look at him and feel my soul lifted by a little glow inside knowing that he's mine. But it's when we're in bed, either going to sleep or just woken up and we face each other and just look into each others eyes, it's then - just then that I see something different. I still see the man I love and want to be with for years to come. But I can't help but think, "he's the guy who works in the kitchen who I've had a crush on for over a year. . ." and I still find it hard to believe that we've become this close. Like a school girls dream come true. She finds her man who she thinks she will never touch and yet somehow over time, suddenly becomes closer to him than anyone ever before.
And yet the strange thing is that we both like to have some alone time to ourselves. Although we don't spend every day together, it feels better when you know that when you come back from your alone time, they'll be there waiting. And like, when you turn over in bed and face your back to the other person. Some people take it as offence but we don't.
I don't know how to explain it, I was hoping that this might help but it hasn't. I can't find the words, either I don't know enough or the dictionary doesn't have enough. I try and think of every description in my mind but it still doesn't fully explain the feelings I carry within my heart and soul for this man.
I wonder if there's anyone else who knows how it feels.
Whenever we're out, at work or at his, I can look at him and feel my soul lifted by a little glow inside knowing that he's mine. But it's when we're in bed, either going to sleep or just woken up and we face each other and just look into each others eyes, it's then - just then that I see something different. I still see the man I love and want to be with for years to come. But I can't help but think, "he's the guy who works in the kitchen who I've had a crush on for over a year. . ." and I still find it hard to believe that we've become this close. Like a school girls dream come true. She finds her man who she thinks she will never touch and yet somehow over time, suddenly becomes closer to him than anyone ever before.
And yet the strange thing is that we both like to have some alone time to ourselves. Although we don't spend every day together, it feels better when you know that when you come back from your alone time, they'll be there waiting. And like, when you turn over in bed and face your back to the other person. Some people take it as offence but we don't.
I don't know how to explain it, I was hoping that this might help but it hasn't. I can't find the words, either I don't know enough or the dictionary doesn't have enough. I try and think of every description in my mind but it still doesn't fully explain the feelings I carry within my heart and soul for this man.
I wonder if there's anyone else who knows how it feels.
Saturday, 19 September 2009
You Can Be My Smiggle
Smiggle = Smile + Giggle
He makes me do this alot! ^_^
For the first time, I am in a relationship where I can truly be myself . . . and not be the only one doing it!
I'm not exactly normal, possibly the furthest from it. When I'm excited and happy, I make strange noises, do random things and have little dances to music no one but me can hear. In all my past relationships, this has been frowned upon. I was never encouraged to do it and even looked down upon for doing it and so would have to bottle it up.
But now?
I feel free! I can do it and not be worried about what everyone else thinks, about whether I'm emabarrassing him or something. Instead he encourages it and even joins in! He feeds my passion for being unique, spontaneous and creative. Everything that I adore in life. Just thinking about him makes me want to smile and laugh, thinking of all the times we've just cuddled in bed, chatting away and making silly noises, reinacting scenes of films we like, talking in so many different accents! I have never known a relationship to be so much fun! To an extent that I could cry. And I can talk to him about anything and everything! I feel truly comfortable and open to tell him whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I feel free to really be me! In my life choices, in my clothes, in my opinions, in my feelings, in my beliefs, in my weird interests, in my mind, to just be myself!
Before, I have always had to hide something. The trust was never there because I still had secrets. Graham - couldn't tell him anything, I just quivered in fear. Shaun - Couldn't tell him how I truly felt, I didn't like him spoiling me. Ian - hated his smoking. Jonny - He didn't care what I had to say anyway. Rob - He didn't like tattoos or Tarot.
In each one, there was a problem that couldn't be resolved. It was just differences in personality.
But this . . .
This is insane! No one should have that much of a connection with just one person! We're both aquarians too! Now I know some people are gonna think I'm REAL LAME for this but I find it incredible! He was born on the first day of Aquarius and I was born on the last day! We're both creative, musically minded with a wide range of tastes. Some people will think that if we like the same things, the relationship will be boring. But that's not us. We're so outgoing, random, crazy and (once again) Spontaneous that not a single moment is boring!
I think I'm blabbing too much now.
But I just feel like, if I don't get it out, it's all gonna burst out my chest like Alien did. There is so much I want us to do together, places to go together. Its like I want to take his hand and drag him everywhere like a poor kid with his shopaholic mother! Only, not in the same concept.
We are solid.
I think we will go far! :)
He makes me do this alot! ^_^
For the first time, I am in a relationship where I can truly be myself . . . and not be the only one doing it!
I'm not exactly normal, possibly the furthest from it. When I'm excited and happy, I make strange noises, do random things and have little dances to music no one but me can hear. In all my past relationships, this has been frowned upon. I was never encouraged to do it and even looked down upon for doing it and so would have to bottle it up.
But now?
I feel free! I can do it and not be worried about what everyone else thinks, about whether I'm emabarrassing him or something. Instead he encourages it and even joins in! He feeds my passion for being unique, spontaneous and creative. Everything that I adore in life. Just thinking about him makes me want to smile and laugh, thinking of all the times we've just cuddled in bed, chatting away and making silly noises, reinacting scenes of films we like, talking in so many different accents! I have never known a relationship to be so much fun! To an extent that I could cry. And I can talk to him about anything and everything! I feel truly comfortable and open to tell him whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I feel free to really be me! In my life choices, in my clothes, in my opinions, in my feelings, in my beliefs, in my weird interests, in my mind, to just be myself!
Before, I have always had to hide something. The trust was never there because I still had secrets. Graham - couldn't tell him anything, I just quivered in fear. Shaun - Couldn't tell him how I truly felt, I didn't like him spoiling me. Ian - hated his smoking. Jonny - He didn't care what I had to say anyway. Rob - He didn't like tattoos or Tarot.
In each one, there was a problem that couldn't be resolved. It was just differences in personality.
But this . . .
This is insane! No one should have that much of a connection with just one person! We're both aquarians too! Now I know some people are gonna think I'm REAL LAME for this but I find it incredible! He was born on the first day of Aquarius and I was born on the last day! We're both creative, musically minded with a wide range of tastes. Some people will think that if we like the same things, the relationship will be boring. But that's not us. We're so outgoing, random, crazy and (once again) Spontaneous that not a single moment is boring!
I think I'm blabbing too much now.
But I just feel like, if I don't get it out, it's all gonna burst out my chest like Alien did. There is so much I want us to do together, places to go together. Its like I want to take his hand and drag him everywhere like a poor kid with his shopaholic mother! Only, not in the same concept.
We are solid.
I think we will go far! :)
Saturday, 12 September 2009
Not Everyone Can Pull It Off Like You Do
I feel like a lost soul again.
Something isn't right. I am missing something!
I stay out so much now that I actually panic if I'm in trouble when I get home.
Part of me is missing.
But where is it?
Oh bollocks to it.
Something isn't right. I am missing something!
I stay out so much now that I actually panic if I'm in trouble when I get home.
Part of me is missing.
But where is it?
Oh bollocks to it.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
To Who And For Whome
Once again, I find myself in a predicament.
Gone are the days where you were free to say what you felt was necessary, thus your opinion and views on your surroundings.
But in todays state of conflict, this is impossible and therefor you are not allowed an opinion. Because no matter whether you say it just to encourage a reaction or whether you say it because it's genuinely how you feel, someone is going to tell you that it's wrong.
Goodbye freedom of speech and thought.
Not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say and this is what makes life just that little bit more intriuging and interesting is the conflict of interests. But there's a line that's crossed when tolerance is no longer deemed necessary in society and you are just told that you're wrong, end of story.
Take for instance, the unfortune case of Jade Goody. I myself, feel that yes she was unlucky to suffer such a fate at such an age. However, her previous extortions have led me to have little faith in humanity. But that is not what gets me so annoyed. What gets me agitated is the fact that even after the poor girl has passed, the press and media still find it suitable to exploit her death. My views on this are that they should let it rest already and let her find peace that she had lost ever since appearing on that fatal and humiliating reality show. I don't appreciate what she has exploited in this country but I'll give her credit for raising awareness more than any other celebrity in that Hollywood Whore Boulevard has ever done.
Some people will agree where as others will retaliate harshly saying she was a Saint the whole way through. Despite there being solid evidence that at some points, she was deemed far less than a role model of any sort.
Backing away from this, it is merely a prime example of the real limitations on our thoughts. Maybe it is in fear that someone may just be able to see past this whole facade and see a truer evil dawning.
Even in school, they try to teach you the "right way to think" and how to see things. This I find so hypocritical that it cannot be followed by even the most obedient of students. I look through the year book and think, "wow, such a twat" and then find that I'm looking at myself. Thus is the part of growing up.
...
Why is it you get one parent telling you to do one thing. Then the other parent tells you to do something else which completely contradicts the first order you were given.
All a load of fucking bollocks if you ask me.
Gone are the days where you were free to say what you felt was necessary, thus your opinion and views on your surroundings.
But in todays state of conflict, this is impossible and therefor you are not allowed an opinion. Because no matter whether you say it just to encourage a reaction or whether you say it because it's genuinely how you feel, someone is going to tell you that it's wrong.
Goodbye freedom of speech and thought.
Not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say and this is what makes life just that little bit more intriuging and interesting is the conflict of interests. But there's a line that's crossed when tolerance is no longer deemed necessary in society and you are just told that you're wrong, end of story.
Take for instance, the unfortune case of Jade Goody. I myself, feel that yes she was unlucky to suffer such a fate at such an age. However, her previous extortions have led me to have little faith in humanity. But that is not what gets me so annoyed. What gets me agitated is the fact that even after the poor girl has passed, the press and media still find it suitable to exploit her death. My views on this are that they should let it rest already and let her find peace that she had lost ever since appearing on that fatal and humiliating reality show. I don't appreciate what she has exploited in this country but I'll give her credit for raising awareness more than any other celebrity in that Hollywood Whore Boulevard has ever done.
Some people will agree where as others will retaliate harshly saying she was a Saint the whole way through. Despite there being solid evidence that at some points, she was deemed far less than a role model of any sort.
Backing away from this, it is merely a prime example of the real limitations on our thoughts. Maybe it is in fear that someone may just be able to see past this whole facade and see a truer evil dawning.
Even in school, they try to teach you the "right way to think" and how to see things. This I find so hypocritical that it cannot be followed by even the most obedient of students. I look through the year book and think, "wow, such a twat" and then find that I'm looking at myself. Thus is the part of growing up.
...
Why is it you get one parent telling you to do one thing. Then the other parent tells you to do something else which completely contradicts the first order you were given.
All a load of fucking bollocks if you ask me.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Most Haunted Styleee!!
Last night after work, me, Harry, Sam and Nathan decided to head out to Boldre Church. It was near 1 in the morning and on top of that the clocks went back that night so got an extra hour!
Anyway!! I'm not going to go into details cos I'm supposed to be getting ready for work. But my god it wasn't half fun!! Got frightened the life out of, ended up doing some criminal investigation too. I certainly won't be going back so nieve as I was last time!! I have a few theories as to how things happened cos soem crazy shit went down!! But I would still like to go back there at some point. I even got all the screaming and discussions on video! But I think it's just humurous to listen to rather than anything else.
ANYWAY!!! Top of the morning to ye! I need to get ready for work!!
Anyway!! I'm not going to go into details cos I'm supposed to be getting ready for work. But my god it wasn't half fun!! Got frightened the life out of, ended up doing some criminal investigation too. I certainly won't be going back so nieve as I was last time!! I have a few theories as to how things happened cos soem crazy shit went down!! But I would still like to go back there at some point. I even got all the screaming and discussions on video! But I think it's just humurous to listen to rather than anything else.
ANYWAY!!! Top of the morning to ye! I need to get ready for work!!
Sunday, 19 October 2008
Sometimes I Just Can't Be Fucked With It
This morning is not a good morning.
Last night was not a a good night.
Yesterday. Lets start there shall we.
I basically worked a 12 hour shift. Had an hour break. It was rather quiet during the day. Sarah and I made use of the time, dusting, polishing, cleaning. My boss was at football and the landlord was in the office. We did well that day. But then, my boss came back. No sooner had he come out on the bar, he gave us jobs to do. Yep, ok we'll do them. Myself and Sam were working our arses off all through the night! And yet somehow during the night, my boss managed to find time to stand there and watch the band and chat to people, the landlord was drinking his own bloody stock of ale while Sam and I were holding the damn bar down ourselves!! The band were shit because their lead singer was pissed up and could more than likely have been wheeled out in a wheelbarrow quite happily but it didn't help that his daughter, yes his daughter, was giving him double shots of vodka WHILE HE'S ON STAGE!!!! I can tell you now that our pub lost some respect through that band.
Anyway, you may be somewhat confused as to why I'm so fucked off about my boss and landlord loitering and drinking behind the bar. Well, our landlord had a go at Sam for pouring some cola for herself. YET HE'S DRINKING THE FUCKING ALE!!! I don't give a shit if he's the fucking landlord!! If we can't even drink a softdrink behind the bar, he shouldn't be fucking drinking the ale should he!!!
And then my boss, he's got some motto of his that he believes in and uses for the business. Can't remember what it is exactly but it basically means that if you look busy, then it will be busy. Plus it makes time go by quicker. Anyway, I also have my own motto. Now, read closely into this:
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
ELSE DONT PREACH IT AT ALL
you fuck.
Argh!!! Thats what gets me the most!!! He tells us to keep busy and whatnot then when it is busy and there's LOTS he can do, he fucking stands there and watches that fucking band!!!! Yes you're allowed to watch the band your hiring for a short period of time but you've got a fucking job to do to help us out!! If not, then get over the other side of the bar and GET OUT OF OUR WAY SO WE CAN DO OUR FUCKING JOB!!!
And while I'm on a rant-of-a-whale (not time, a fucking whale cos its that fucking big) my boss keeps telling me that I'll be manager soon. Or whatever time. And I'm starting to realise that he's all talk and not much else. At first it was, when I start the NVQ, then it was, at the end of summer, now it's, when I finish the NVQ. FOR FUCK SAKE!!!! Why not just say, sometime next year. Christ I didn't expect it all straight away, its my first bar job, I aint gonna be amazing the first time round. Argh!!
You know what, fuck you. I'm going to do this bar tender course, so I can move on to the cocktails and the flair courses and advance myself. Yea I know I probably won't use it work. But I don't care. It's something I WANT to do. Not for you. For ME!! And what if I move abroad or something, I'll be able to find a job in a flash because I'll have the qualifications!!
So you're frightened that I'll leave and go somewhere else. Well I am. At some point in the future. May not be for another year but I aint fucking staying there for 7 years or something!! What if I move? That place is going to be unaccessible to me. Or if I get offered something better? Then it's only common sense that I take the opportunity to get better, improve and get better pay!
OH AND I DONT APPRECIATE HAVING 3 HOURS MISSING FROM MY PAY!!
Fucking cheap bastards.
And I don't care if you hate me after this. If you can't take the truth about how we feel then you shouldn't fucking read it in the first place.
Last night was not a a good night.
Yesterday. Lets start there shall we.
I basically worked a 12 hour shift. Had an hour break. It was rather quiet during the day. Sarah and I made use of the time, dusting, polishing, cleaning. My boss was at football and the landlord was in the office. We did well that day. But then, my boss came back. No sooner had he come out on the bar, he gave us jobs to do. Yep, ok we'll do them. Myself and Sam were working our arses off all through the night! And yet somehow during the night, my boss managed to find time to stand there and watch the band and chat to people, the landlord was drinking his own bloody stock of ale while Sam and I were holding the damn bar down ourselves!! The band were shit because their lead singer was pissed up and could more than likely have been wheeled out in a wheelbarrow quite happily but it didn't help that his daughter, yes his daughter, was giving him double shots of vodka WHILE HE'S ON STAGE!!!! I can tell you now that our pub lost some respect through that band.
Anyway, you may be somewhat confused as to why I'm so fucked off about my boss and landlord loitering and drinking behind the bar. Well, our landlord had a go at Sam for pouring some cola for herself. YET HE'S DRINKING THE FUCKING ALE!!! I don't give a shit if he's the fucking landlord!! If we can't even drink a softdrink behind the bar, he shouldn't be fucking drinking the ale should he!!!
And then my boss, he's got some motto of his that he believes in and uses for the business. Can't remember what it is exactly but it basically means that if you look busy, then it will be busy. Plus it makes time go by quicker. Anyway, I also have my own motto. Now, read closely into this:
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
ELSE DONT PREACH IT AT ALL
you fuck.
Argh!!! Thats what gets me the most!!! He tells us to keep busy and whatnot then when it is busy and there's LOTS he can do, he fucking stands there and watches that fucking band!!!! Yes you're allowed to watch the band your hiring for a short period of time but you've got a fucking job to do to help us out!! If not, then get over the other side of the bar and GET OUT OF OUR WAY SO WE CAN DO OUR FUCKING JOB!!!
And while I'm on a rant-of-a-whale (not time, a fucking whale cos its that fucking big) my boss keeps telling me that I'll be manager soon. Or whatever time. And I'm starting to realise that he's all talk and not much else. At first it was, when I start the NVQ, then it was, at the end of summer, now it's, when I finish the NVQ. FOR FUCK SAKE!!!! Why not just say, sometime next year. Christ I didn't expect it all straight away, its my first bar job, I aint gonna be amazing the first time round. Argh!!
You know what, fuck you. I'm going to do this bar tender course, so I can move on to the cocktails and the flair courses and advance myself. Yea I know I probably won't use it work. But I don't care. It's something I WANT to do. Not for you. For ME!! And what if I move abroad or something, I'll be able to find a job in a flash because I'll have the qualifications!!
So you're frightened that I'll leave and go somewhere else. Well I am. At some point in the future. May not be for another year but I aint fucking staying there for 7 years or something!! What if I move? That place is going to be unaccessible to me. Or if I get offered something better? Then it's only common sense that I take the opportunity to get better, improve and get better pay!
OH AND I DONT APPRECIATE HAVING 3 HOURS MISSING FROM MY PAY!!
Fucking cheap bastards.
And I don't care if you hate me after this. If you can't take the truth about how we feel then you shouldn't fucking read it in the first place.
Friday, 3 October 2008
You Shouldn't Care If It Hurts Me, You Do What You Want To Do
So I've been let down. By quite a few people. And yes it upsets me, not so much as to cry but it just annoys me. I don't know why I should know everything, yet when something doesn't go according to plan, its like my whole world has been flipped upside down and I am unsure of how to react to it. Despite the fact that I in myself am not the most predictable of people.
My birthday, my 21st, I have no idea how thats going to turn out. I am getting such mixed responses from people. Seems that everyone is indulged with Uni or something. But isn't my birthday during the easter hols? Well all I know is that it's different for each place so god knows.
Take for instance one friend gave me an idea of what to do and was really excited about it. Turns out that now she's going on a trip with uni. I feel let down. But hold on. She's doing something that she enjoys, its her way of life what she's doing, I'm not going to stop her doing something that could very well turn out to be a once in a life time opportunity or could very well hold something that may change her life. Why should I hold her back? It's not my right to and I support her to go for it even if it means missing what she planned. I want her to do it, to take every opportunity that comes her way. And yet despite my positive attitude for her decision, I still feel upset that she's doing it. I accept what she's doing and I support it, but I just don't know how to deal with this feeling that there's something better to do.
All this dieting is putting stress on me, only a little, but its sending my mood swings all over the place. I nearly had a go at Rob for going to see Queen in November. WTF?! I shouldn't be having a go at him for something he wants to do and probably paid for long before meeting me! Obvious I didn't txt back, save me having to wrack my brain for something to say without sounding bitchy. Instead I just wait til I'm in a better mood before I txt him again. And at this rate, it could be a while. Past couple of days I've been really "clingy?" without even seeing him!! Well, ok more like, sending him msgs about how much he means to me and stuff. He rarely sends anything back that says the same and yet I still do it. Maybe hoping that he will. I don't know. And I hate that fact that when I'm walking round the bar, one of the posters that I made with a picture of him, stares at me as I walk past and soon I'm going to rip it down!! At the moment, I tend to wipe my mind of him when I'm working and if he does pop into my mind, I quickly change to the dragons. Now there's a whole load of endless questions for me to think about with them!
Right now I am unsure how Rob and I will turn out. Maybe its just my mood swing at the moment, who knows, but with my work slowly quietening down with the seasons, and his going steadily up constantly, how will we be able to make time for each other? I don't do well if I know I wont see him again for a long time. And I do even worse if I don't even know when I'll see him again. But once again, the good side of me will support him in every decision he makes, in his increase of work, his increase of popularity, his increase in being known amongst musicians. And even in the fear that I may be left behind, I still encourage him to go further. And this is how I've ended up in such fragile states so many times, I've put everyone else in front, told everyone else to do what they want to do disregarding whatever happens to me and often is the case, that I crash and fall without them. But I don't think about what happens to me, I don't think about that til its too late! But I don't want to hold people back on the account of me. But then I don't want to go futher if people didn't want me to.
I don't know why I'm so messed up. But then if everything was how it should be, there'd be no reason to live. If every day was the same, you would lose the will to even carry on. Without the drama, no matter how big or small, it makes each day different. If I wasn't spontaneous, I'd die boring. And thats no way to go.
My birthday, my 21st, I have no idea how thats going to turn out. I am getting such mixed responses from people. Seems that everyone is indulged with Uni or something. But isn't my birthday during the easter hols? Well all I know is that it's different for each place so god knows.
Take for instance one friend gave me an idea of what to do and was really excited about it. Turns out that now she's going on a trip with uni. I feel let down. But hold on. She's doing something that she enjoys, its her way of life what she's doing, I'm not going to stop her doing something that could very well turn out to be a once in a life time opportunity or could very well hold something that may change her life. Why should I hold her back? It's not my right to and I support her to go for it even if it means missing what she planned. I want her to do it, to take every opportunity that comes her way. And yet despite my positive attitude for her decision, I still feel upset that she's doing it. I accept what she's doing and I support it, but I just don't know how to deal with this feeling that there's something better to do.
All this dieting is putting stress on me, only a little, but its sending my mood swings all over the place. I nearly had a go at Rob for going to see Queen in November. WTF?! I shouldn't be having a go at him for something he wants to do and probably paid for long before meeting me! Obvious I didn't txt back, save me having to wrack my brain for something to say without sounding bitchy. Instead I just wait til I'm in a better mood before I txt him again. And at this rate, it could be a while. Past couple of days I've been really "clingy?" without even seeing him!! Well, ok more like, sending him msgs about how much he means to me and stuff. He rarely sends anything back that says the same and yet I still do it. Maybe hoping that he will. I don't know. And I hate that fact that when I'm walking round the bar, one of the posters that I made with a picture of him, stares at me as I walk past and soon I'm going to rip it down!! At the moment, I tend to wipe my mind of him when I'm working and if he does pop into my mind, I quickly change to the dragons. Now there's a whole load of endless questions for me to think about with them!
Right now I am unsure how Rob and I will turn out. Maybe its just my mood swing at the moment, who knows, but with my work slowly quietening down with the seasons, and his going steadily up constantly, how will we be able to make time for each other? I don't do well if I know I wont see him again for a long time. And I do even worse if I don't even know when I'll see him again. But once again, the good side of me will support him in every decision he makes, in his increase of work, his increase of popularity, his increase in being known amongst musicians. And even in the fear that I may be left behind, I still encourage him to go further. And this is how I've ended up in such fragile states so many times, I've put everyone else in front, told everyone else to do what they want to do disregarding whatever happens to me and often is the case, that I crash and fall without them. But I don't think about what happens to me, I don't think about that til its too late! But I don't want to hold people back on the account of me. But then I don't want to go futher if people didn't want me to.
I don't know why I'm so messed up. But then if everything was how it should be, there'd be no reason to live. If every day was the same, you would lose the will to even carry on. Without the drama, no matter how big or small, it makes each day different. If I wasn't spontaneous, I'd die boring. And thats no way to go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)