Well, over the past couple of weeks things had gotten worse. Jonny and I were constantly arguing every time we spoke but after a few days, we're ok. Turns out the reason he went for Fraggle was because he thought I'd gone off with Brett. Which I hadn't. But now he finds himself in a hole because Fraggle has fallen in love with him and he doesn't want to know. When I found out, I just burst out laughing!
Also found out from a reliable source that Jonny still loves me but doesn't think he'll ever want to get back with me. At first, I was a little sad and confused and all the information did was just fuck with my head. But now, I'm good. After having decent conversation with him the past week or so, I'm finally ok with anything he does. Yes I admit I still get a little jealous but after coming out of a long relationship, who wouldn't! I'm pretty sure he still gets a little jealous too. I have tried talking to him in a calm manner about the whole relationship but I think it is best left discussed face to face and this may not happen for a while. Which is fine with me.
Hopefully I will have a job by Monday. My birthday last Monday was good, went out for lunch with my family and tomorrow Brett is taking me out for lunch and then going down the pub with Jess and a few other friends for a piss up and I'm not paying for a single drink! So it's all good!
To be honest, I really don't want a boyfriend or any kind of relationship at this time. I may feel like I'm over Jonny but I know that my heart is still holding on and I just deny it. I admit that it has been easier recently with being able to talk comfortably with Jonny and just being friends. After deleting me off all his profiles he then added me and has now put me back on his top friends which I find is a step forward!
I'll still be going to Australia however I have had to move it back to September as I will not be able to clear all my debts and be able to save up for my flight and spending money between now and April. On top of that, Jess's mum has invited me to come on holiday with them to Devon for a week which I have happily accepted. It'll only be a couple of hundred and that's plus spending money so that will be good because on top of that, we get our own place while the rest of her family sit in seperate accommodation.
So, I'm now looking forward to a new start in my life!
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Sunday, 10 February 2008
Should've Seen It Coming
30th Jan 08
11:08am
If I write this on my net blog, he'll complain about it. So I'll do it here.
I feel like he doesn't want me here anymore. Or that there is something he is hiding.
Everytime I go to hug him or ask for a hug he sighs, complains or groans about it. It makes me feel so unwanted. He does the same if I kiss him a number of times, it's like he gets fed up of it. He especially does it if I make a move even if it has nothing to do with sex, he still complains about it and it makes me feel like he doesn't want to know anymore. I don't know where I stand now. At first, I could take it as a joke, but now I can't help but think that he means it. And maybe he does, I don't know.
I admit I am trying to make out with him but only because it makes me feel closer to him, and even if there is no sex, just lots of passionate kissing, still shows me that he still loves me. And right now there's none of that and it makes me wonder if he even still finds me attractive at all. I don't want to have another arguement for him to show me how he feels. But we haven't been very close since that day and hadn't been since New Years. I don't want it to be a once a month thing. Thats why we had the arguement in the first place so I'm trying to avoid it happening again but how can I do that if he complains at every fucking move I make!!!!
I am fucking trying to make this work cos I do fucking love him to pieces but I can't carry on as though there's nothing wrong! All his complaining upsets me, makes me feel like I'm nothing, that I'm not special to him anymore.
Right now he's asleep, and I'm crying.
I really do want to talk to him about it! But I'm afraid of what he might say. And if he tells me to put more effort into it - how can I if your putting me down all the time!! It's kinda hard for me to keep my self esteem up when you huff and sigh just because I asked for a hug! And then you hide yourself away just because I mentioned your cock. I don't have a disease or anything.
Why are you doing this? I don't want to be pushed away.
------------------------------------------------------
All the signs were there...
11:08am
If I write this on my net blog, he'll complain about it. So I'll do it here.
I feel like he doesn't want me here anymore. Or that there is something he is hiding.
Everytime I go to hug him or ask for a hug he sighs, complains or groans about it. It makes me feel so unwanted. He does the same if I kiss him a number of times, it's like he gets fed up of it. He especially does it if I make a move even if it has nothing to do with sex, he still complains about it and it makes me feel like he doesn't want to know anymore. I don't know where I stand now. At first, I could take it as a joke, but now I can't help but think that he means it. And maybe he does, I don't know.
I admit I am trying to make out with him but only because it makes me feel closer to him, and even if there is no sex, just lots of passionate kissing, still shows me that he still loves me. And right now there's none of that and it makes me wonder if he even still finds me attractive at all. I don't want to have another arguement for him to show me how he feels. But we haven't been very close since that day and hadn't been since New Years. I don't want it to be a once a month thing. Thats why we had the arguement in the first place so I'm trying to avoid it happening again but how can I do that if he complains at every fucking move I make!!!!
I am fucking trying to make this work cos I do fucking love him to pieces but I can't carry on as though there's nothing wrong! All his complaining upsets me, makes me feel like I'm nothing, that I'm not special to him anymore.
Right now he's asleep, and I'm crying.
I really do want to talk to him about it! But I'm afraid of what he might say. And if he tells me to put more effort into it - how can I if your putting me down all the time!! It's kinda hard for me to keep my self esteem up when you huff and sigh just because I asked for a hug! And then you hide yourself away just because I mentioned your cock. I don't have a disease or anything.
Why are you doing this? I don't want to be pushed away.
------------------------------------------------------
All the signs were there...
Thursday, 7 February 2008
It Just Wasn't To Last
After all thats been said and done, it's finally come to an end.
He ended it.
What else am I to do? I can only hope and pray that maybe one day we'll be together again. He still wants to be friends and if he falls in love again with me, he'll try to get with me again.
What's the use.
He'll probably find another girl before he even thinks of me again.
My heart is shattered.
My head is all over the place.
My body is weak all over and has lost the will to do anything anymore.
I have cried so many tears that my eyes hurt yet there are still more to cry.
Am I ok?
Answer one:
I'm ok, I don't really have a choice so yes I'm ok.
Answer two:
I guess so.
Answer Three:
I'm not ok, I'm dying inside and my dreams have abandoned me.
I'd go for three.
I don't know. At first it was the most painful experience of my life.
OH GOD NO!!!!
I'm going through that damned phase!! At first you care, it hurts and you cry. Next, you're fine, can see why its happening and don't really care what happens next. Thats where I am now, but after that, It's complete misery!!!!!!
I keep wanting to cry. But I hold it back.
One day someone will make me feel like the most important person in the world . . .
That day will come when I end up in hospital.
He ended it.
What else am I to do? I can only hope and pray that maybe one day we'll be together again. He still wants to be friends and if he falls in love again with me, he'll try to get with me again.
What's the use.
He'll probably find another girl before he even thinks of me again.
My heart is shattered.
My head is all over the place.
My body is weak all over and has lost the will to do anything anymore.
I have cried so many tears that my eyes hurt yet there are still more to cry.
Am I ok?
Answer one:
I'm ok, I don't really have a choice so yes I'm ok.
Answer two:
I guess so.
Answer Three:
I'm not ok, I'm dying inside and my dreams have abandoned me.
I'd go for three.
I don't know. At first it was the most painful experience of my life.
OH GOD NO!!!!
I'm going through that damned phase!! At first you care, it hurts and you cry. Next, you're fine, can see why its happening and don't really care what happens next. Thats where I am now, but after that, It's complete misery!!!!!!
I keep wanting to cry. But I hold it back.
One day someone will make me feel like the most important person in the world . . .
That day will come when I end up in hospital.
Sunday, 23 December 2007
So Near To X-Mas
So here it is, my monthly post. Only two more days til Christmas. I've done all the christmas shopping I can do. Have bought gifts for my family and Megan with the little money I have. Have yet to buy more but they will have to wait til after Christmas.
Life has been ok with the exception of missing a job. Have had a tummy virus though for the past week or so and this is the 3rd time I've had it in the space of about 4 weeks. Hopefully I've gotten rid of it for good! Or at least until after Christmas. New Years is still a way off yet and I have no plans for it at the moment.
I still live with Jonny and everything I need is now upstairs where it was supposed to be from the start. The living room has been cleaned out and moved around to accomodate all the Christmas features and is still being cleaned.
Me in myself emotionally... is another story.
Mood swings are somewhat biting me in the ass and I'm getting incredibly fed up of them but I'm a woman and there's nothing I can do about it. Taking "happy pills" or anti depressants and such are for drastic measures and for people who can't handle how they feel or act. I like to think I can handle it but I know I'm just another slave to the uncontrolable emotions just as the next woman. Thus brings the downfall of life and all that it stands for.
Parents are getting better. They don't get hold of me so much to check up on me. I think they're getting used to the fact that I want to do things on my own, even if I did start off on the wrong foot and down the wrong path. I'm still getting there and there's still time to get back on track with things. Granted I have no job and have been putting all my Job Seekers allowance into paying off my debt. Which may I add, I'm getting there! I absolutely must get a job after New Years irrespective of what it is. I need the money for more than just debts but so I can do all the things I want to do. That does not just mean going out every night and drinking. Once in a while I would like to go out with friends on a day trip to theme park or Zoo or even down the river. Infact, one thing I'd like to save up for is a car! I miss driving more than I do having the ability to go where I want.
I guess I feel a little bit dull in myself. Not much variety in my day to day life which working at a nursery seemed to fulfill more than fully. I miss working with kids, the randomness they give and the unexpected activities of each day. However I haven't done the work I was supposed to and I can't do it either. Everytime I bloody try my head goes skitz and over thinks everything making it even more complicated for me. Not many people believe me to be able to do this but I do.
Me and Jonny are ok. Sometimes I don't understand his logic and I can't be bothered to go through the hassle of asking and him trying to explain it in supposedly simplistic terms. So simple that I still cannot understand. So I don't ask.
Other than that, there's not much here, whether it be in my head, my life or any part of me. Enjoy.
Life has been ok with the exception of missing a job. Have had a tummy virus though for the past week or so and this is the 3rd time I've had it in the space of about 4 weeks. Hopefully I've gotten rid of it for good! Or at least until after Christmas. New Years is still a way off yet and I have no plans for it at the moment.
I still live with Jonny and everything I need is now upstairs where it was supposed to be from the start. The living room has been cleaned out and moved around to accomodate all the Christmas features and is still being cleaned.
Me in myself emotionally... is another story.
Mood swings are somewhat biting me in the ass and I'm getting incredibly fed up of them but I'm a woman and there's nothing I can do about it. Taking "happy pills" or anti depressants and such are for drastic measures and for people who can't handle how they feel or act. I like to think I can handle it but I know I'm just another slave to the uncontrolable emotions just as the next woman. Thus brings the downfall of life and all that it stands for.
Parents are getting better. They don't get hold of me so much to check up on me. I think they're getting used to the fact that I want to do things on my own, even if I did start off on the wrong foot and down the wrong path. I'm still getting there and there's still time to get back on track with things. Granted I have no job and have been putting all my Job Seekers allowance into paying off my debt. Which may I add, I'm getting there! I absolutely must get a job after New Years irrespective of what it is. I need the money for more than just debts but so I can do all the things I want to do. That does not just mean going out every night and drinking. Once in a while I would like to go out with friends on a day trip to theme park or Zoo or even down the river. Infact, one thing I'd like to save up for is a car! I miss driving more than I do having the ability to go where I want.
I guess I feel a little bit dull in myself. Not much variety in my day to day life which working at a nursery seemed to fulfill more than fully. I miss working with kids, the randomness they give and the unexpected activities of each day. However I haven't done the work I was supposed to and I can't do it either. Everytime I bloody try my head goes skitz and over thinks everything making it even more complicated for me. Not many people believe me to be able to do this but I do.
Me and Jonny are ok. Sometimes I don't understand his logic and I can't be bothered to go through the hassle of asking and him trying to explain it in supposedly simplistic terms. So simple that I still cannot understand. So I don't ask.
Other than that, there's not much here, whether it be in my head, my life or any part of me. Enjoy.
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
Only Way Is Up
Well things have gotten better since my last post. I've been here for about 3 months now. Jonny and I have been together just over a year now. The gig was awesome! Especially Bloodhound Gang. Megan has come to see me a few times and in that time she's now going out with Jonny's mate Big Chris. They're such an awesome couple to hang out with! I love it! Megs is my wife now too! Hehe!
I still feel kinda useless sometimes. But I have a job interview on the 14th at the General hospital which, I am incredibly excited about! I'm thinking having this job will help me put myself right again. I'll feel more myself again be more... myself! I don't know, I guess I'll just feel better about myself mostly which is always a good thing! Everything else is fine! The only thing thats missing... is a job!
So, once I get this job, my life will be perfect! OH! And, I bought the necronomicon Tarot which is totally evil and dangerous! But I love it! Only used it twice, and I'm never using it again really!
Oh and hello to Jason, hope you get better and out of physio soon!
xXx
I still feel kinda useless sometimes. But I have a job interview on the 14th at the General hospital which, I am incredibly excited about! I'm thinking having this job will help me put myself right again. I'll feel more myself again be more... myself! I don't know, I guess I'll just feel better about myself mostly which is always a good thing! Everything else is fine! The only thing thats missing... is a job!
So, once I get this job, my life will be perfect! OH! And, I bought the necronomicon Tarot which is totally evil and dangerous! But I love it! Only used it twice, and I'm never using it again really!
Oh and hello to Jason, hope you get better and out of physio soon!
xXx
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
Improvement
There is always something everyone could improve on. For me? It's to stop hiding things, its not lying so much, its just not telling. Lying would be if I covered it up with something else. But I don't. I just don't tell.
Why do I do it? Your guess is as good as mine. Ask me why I flinch every time someone raises their arm at me, now that I could answer. But I wont.
Usually I wont tell because I don't want to upset people, or I don't want to be shouted at (if its my parents). But whats the point. It always catches up with me anyway.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm just floating places. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I feel like I've always got to watch what I say or do, like I can't be myself anymore. I have to be "someone else".
Maybe its because things aren't so great at the moment. Maybe thats why I feel this way. Or maybe its because I feel like there's strings attached to everything. Like I'm tied down. I'm not much for horoscopes but I will agree that I hate being told what to do when it's my choice, aquarians like to be free. And we get aggrevated when kept down or in like a prison. Thats why I left home in the first place. Nothing was my choice anymore. Now I come here and I still have rules. I admit that I understand why and I'm willing to abide by them, I can tolerate nearly anything. No one has made me blow a fuse to such an extent that I go nuts. And sometimes thats annoying becuase I'll want to go nuts, but inside I just cannot find it in me to let it all go. I just sigh, and it all goes with that one breath. Who would've thought all the anger inside would just fly out with one sigh.
I'm sorry I'm just blabbing on now but I just need to talk. I haven't spoken to anyone properly today and I'm already feeling the pressure of having just the smallest things bottled up. Like I want to say something to Jonny, only a few words but I can't. I know he's still angry with me and I'm prepared to give him the time and space he needs to let him decide what he wants to do.
I'm too scared to do a tarot reading. Last time I did one, it told me a relationship would end. And it did, twice. I don't want to read that again. I already promised myself that if it happened a third time I would leave for good and never speak nor see him again. But I don't want to do that. Nor do I want to see it in the tarot. It's so accurate it scares me. And its the deck that was blessed and smudged just for my use. I'm not one for magic and wiccan or pagan magic but the tarot cards I put my faith in.
Anyway, I'm so lonely right now. And cold. And lost. I feel so disappointed in myself for not doing what I should have done a month ago. I feel I've let myself down, and him. I tried so hard to make things better and I thought keeping my mouth shut was the right thing to do. But it isn't. I feel like I should just go back to school and see if I'm any smarter than what I was 6 years ago. Probably not.
Why do I do it? Your guess is as good as mine. Ask me why I flinch every time someone raises their arm at me, now that I could answer. But I wont.
Usually I wont tell because I don't want to upset people, or I don't want to be shouted at (if its my parents). But whats the point. It always catches up with me anyway.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm just floating places. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I feel like I've always got to watch what I say or do, like I can't be myself anymore. I have to be "someone else".
Maybe its because things aren't so great at the moment. Maybe thats why I feel this way. Or maybe its because I feel like there's strings attached to everything. Like I'm tied down. I'm not much for horoscopes but I will agree that I hate being told what to do when it's my choice, aquarians like to be free. And we get aggrevated when kept down or in like a prison. Thats why I left home in the first place. Nothing was my choice anymore. Now I come here and I still have rules. I admit that I understand why and I'm willing to abide by them, I can tolerate nearly anything. No one has made me blow a fuse to such an extent that I go nuts. And sometimes thats annoying becuase I'll want to go nuts, but inside I just cannot find it in me to let it all go. I just sigh, and it all goes with that one breath. Who would've thought all the anger inside would just fly out with one sigh.
I'm sorry I'm just blabbing on now but I just need to talk. I haven't spoken to anyone properly today and I'm already feeling the pressure of having just the smallest things bottled up. Like I want to say something to Jonny, only a few words but I can't. I know he's still angry with me and I'm prepared to give him the time and space he needs to let him decide what he wants to do.
I'm too scared to do a tarot reading. Last time I did one, it told me a relationship would end. And it did, twice. I don't want to read that again. I already promised myself that if it happened a third time I would leave for good and never speak nor see him again. But I don't want to do that. Nor do I want to see it in the tarot. It's so accurate it scares me. And its the deck that was blessed and smudged just for my use. I'm not one for magic and wiccan or pagan magic but the tarot cards I put my faith in.
Anyway, I'm so lonely right now. And cold. And lost. I feel so disappointed in myself for not doing what I should have done a month ago. I feel I've let myself down, and him. I tried so hard to make things better and I thought keeping my mouth shut was the right thing to do. But it isn't. I feel like I should just go back to school and see if I'm any smarter than what I was 6 years ago. Probably not.
Friday, 28 September 2007
A New Life
Well, it's been nearly a month since I moved in. I'm now signed up for Job Seekers Allowance as my plan to get a job within a few weeks didn't work.
After looking after my brother for a week, my parents took my car away. I wanted to leave it at home so I didn't have to pay £7 a day to park it over here and they said that if I kept it there, I'd have to sign it over to my dad. So I agreed. Why? Cos then he'd pay for the repairs, get the panel fixed and then do all the insides of it. I'll still have to pay him back when I want the car but by the time I have the money to do that, I'd also have enough money to take motorbike lessons and get myself a bike and insurance for it. So, which one? My car or a new bike?? I like the bike idea myself. Have always wanted one!
So a month in and we haven't torn each other apart. A good sign! I was quite worried he'd get fed up of me but he hasn't and I haven't got fed up of him! Yay!
Well I don't really have much to say. I've spent the past month pretty much sat on my butt due to there not being a lot to do. Despite bein in the middle of town, there's not much to do when you don't know many people. However, I do want a job! For the money and to kill time and to get New Rocks!! Wooooo!! I want New Rocks!!
Anywho, another update soon!!
After looking after my brother for a week, my parents took my car away. I wanted to leave it at home so I didn't have to pay £7 a day to park it over here and they said that if I kept it there, I'd have to sign it over to my dad. So I agreed. Why? Cos then he'd pay for the repairs, get the panel fixed and then do all the insides of it. I'll still have to pay him back when I want the car but by the time I have the money to do that, I'd also have enough money to take motorbike lessons and get myself a bike and insurance for it. So, which one? My car or a new bike?? I like the bike idea myself. Have always wanted one!
So a month in and we haven't torn each other apart. A good sign! I was quite worried he'd get fed up of me but he hasn't and I haven't got fed up of him! Yay!
Well I don't really have much to say. I've spent the past month pretty much sat on my butt due to there not being a lot to do. Despite bein in the middle of town, there's not much to do when you don't know many people. However, I do want a job! For the money and to kill time and to get New Rocks!! Wooooo!! I want New Rocks!!
Anywho, another update soon!!
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