Don't Say I Love You

I know you don't mean any harm. But please, don't say it. All your doing is hurting me.

Others have said exactly what you're saying. They said I was their everything. They said they would die without me. They said "I love you". Now I am nothing to them. They're perfectly fine without me. And those three words do nothing but cause a pain in my chest. Maybe it was just my bad luck that I didn't meet you first. And maybe your bad luck that your the last.

I've had enough of being told I am so much when I'm not. I've had enough of trusting someone with my heart, only to have it smashed into pieces. I don't want to do it again.

I'm taking it slow. I'm doing what I want to do. I'm making myself happy first.

Don't tell me you love me.
You only make me hurt.

I never thought I'd see the day when the three most amazing words in the world . . . are the ones that hurt the most. Now I understand when they say love hurts.

Life Is Getting Better

It's been over a month now since me and Jonny split.

How am I?

I'm fucking fabulous!!

My job is freaking awesome for the sheer fact that my manager and his wife kick ass and I get along with everyone really well! Last night was damn right awesome! I got called in cos the new guy was sick and the whole night I covered pretty much on my own! Tom admitted that he'd been a right twat cos I'd been called in to cover and he was sat on his arse round the corner drinking with his mates the whole night but I didn't mind. Its good experience and I feel I coped well! At the end of the night he poured me a pint and I sat down with em and had a good laugh! Spent couple of hours jokin around and singing karaoke! Was so funny! Had about 3 pints and good lord, it is NOT fun cycling home pissed!!

The only thing bothering me is the fact that Jonny is being difficult with me. I wanna go over to get my stuff and then just get out. Jonny is saying that he's burnt my stuff or whatever. I don't understand why he's being such a prick about it all. But if he has burnt my stuff then there will be fucking trouble! I will nut the bastard, I don't care!! If he wants to be a selfish and difficult cunt about it all then fine with me!! I can be a right bitch too!!

Oh my god that Dan guy at work is so cute!!! It's like staring at a luxurious chocolate all day that I can't have. How freaking gay! Though Emma said that him and me would get on very well! He has a girlfriend but apparently he doesn't seem to care! So maybe there's a chance for me to step in! Who knows! Although Jason did tell me not to get involved with people from work incase it all goes tits up but I don't see him that much anyway as he works in the kitchen and I'm out on the bar. Hmm, just see how things go I think!

Ar I need sleep! But I can't sleep in the day which sucks ass but what can ya do!

So there it is! My life is getting better and I'm loving it!

I'm starting to realise that Jonny is nothing but a alcoholic living off benfits. He has no experience, no will power to even want a job, what's he gonna do when the benfits stop? He can't live off his parents forever. So he's gonna be a bum all his life. I'm glad I'm not there anymore. I'm starting the gym soon with Jamie. I have great friends without that prick bringing my down. He's a cocky bastard and thinks he's the next best thing. Fucking aint though. I can do better than him by a long shot.

Anyway yes I think thats enough of my rambellings! I could go on forever talking bout crap lol!!

Call Me The One

Well after Thursday night, things seemed to go down hill. Only a tad bit and I'm not talking about me and Jonny.

Anyway, I'd rather not talk about it. Someone bragged. Another girl stuck her nose in. Wound Jonny right up, I told him the truth, we're ok now but I have gained two enemies which I didn't really want to do but what choice do I have.

Not much has happened. Maybe the only reason I'm on this is to pass the time.

Moving Swiftly On

Well, over the past couple of weeks things had gotten worse. Jonny and I were constantly arguing every time we spoke but after a few days, we're ok. Turns out the reason he went for Fraggle was because he thought I'd gone off with Brett. Which I hadn't. But now he finds himself in a hole because Fraggle has fallen in love with him and he doesn't want to know. When I found out, I just burst out laughing!

Also found out from a reliable source that Jonny still loves me but doesn't think he'll ever want to get back with me. At first, I was a little sad and confused and all the information did was just fuck with my head. But now, I'm good. After having decent conversation with him the past week or so, I'm finally ok with anything he does. Yes I admit I still get a little jealous but after coming out of a long relationship, who wouldn't! I'm pretty sure he still gets a little jealous too. I have tried talking to him in a calm manner about the whole relationship but I think it is best left discussed face to face and this may not happen for a while. Which is fine with me.

Hopefully I will have a job by Monday. My birthday last Monday was good, went out for lunch with my family and tomorrow Brett is taking me out for lunch and then going down the pub with Jess and a few other friends for a piss up and I'm not paying for a single drink! So it's all good!

To be honest, I really don't want a boyfriend or any kind of relationship at this time. I may feel like I'm over Jonny but I know that my heart is still holding on and I just deny it. I admit that it has been easier recently with being able to talk comfortably with Jonny and just being friends. After deleting me off all his profiles he then added me and has now put me back on his top friends which I find is a step forward!

I'll still be going to Australia however I have had to move it back to September as I will not be able to clear all my debts and be able to save up for my flight and spending money between now and April. On top of that, Jess's mum has invited me to come on holiday with them to Devon for a week which I have happily accepted. It'll only be a couple of hundred and that's plus spending money so that will be good because on top of that, we get our own place while the rest of her family sit in seperate accommodation.

So, I'm now looking forward to a new start in my life!

Should've Seen It Coming

30th Jan 08
11:08am

If I write this on my net blog, he'll complain about it. So I'll do it here.

I feel like he doesn't want me here anymore. Or that there is something he is hiding.

Everytime I go to hug him or ask for a hug he sighs, complains or groans about it. It makes me feel so unwanted. He does the same if I kiss him a number of times, it's like he gets fed up of it. He especially does it if I make a move even if it has nothing to do with sex, he still complains about it and it makes me feel like he doesn't want to know anymore. I don't know where I stand now. At first, I could take it as a joke, but now I can't help but think that he means it. And maybe he does, I don't know.

I admit I am trying to make out with him but only because it makes me feel closer to him, and even if there is no sex, just lots of passionate kissing, still shows me that he still loves me. And right now there's none of that and it makes me wonder if he even still finds me attractive at all. I don't want to have another arguement for him to show me how he feels. But we haven't been very close since that day and hadn't been since New Years. I don't want it to be a once a month thing. Thats why we had the arguement in the first place so I'm trying to avoid it happening again but how can I do that if he complains at every fucking move I make!!!!

I am fucking trying to make this work cos I do fucking love him to pieces but I can't carry on as though there's nothing wrong! All his complaining upsets me, makes me feel like I'm nothing, that I'm not special to him anymore.

Right now he's asleep, and I'm crying.

I really do want to talk to him about it! But I'm afraid of what he might say. And if he tells me to put more effort into it - how can I if your putting me down all the time!! It's kinda hard for me to keep my self esteem up when you huff and sigh just because I asked for a hug! And then you hide yourself away just because I mentioned your cock. I don't have a disease or anything.

Why are you doing this? I don't want to be pushed away.

------------------------------------------------------

All the signs were there...

It Just Wasn't To Last

After all thats been said and done, it's finally come to an end.

He ended it.

What else am I to do? I can only hope and pray that maybe one day we'll be together again. He still wants to be friends and if he falls in love again with me, he'll try to get with me again.

What's the use.
He'll probably find another girl before he even thinks of me again.
My heart is shattered.
My head is all over the place.
My body is weak all over and has lost the will to do anything anymore.
I have cried so many tears that my eyes hurt yet there are still more to cry.

Am I ok?

Answer one:
I'm ok, I don't really have a choice so yes I'm ok.

Answer two:
I guess so.

Answer Three:
I'm not ok, I'm dying inside and my dreams have abandoned me.


I'd go for three.

I don't know. At first it was the most painful experience of my life.

OH GOD NO!!!!

I'm going through that damned phase!! At first you care, it hurts and you cry. Next, you're fine, can see why its happening and don't really care what happens next. Thats where I am now, but after that, It's complete misery!!!!!!

I keep wanting to cry. But I hold it back.


One day someone will make me feel like the most important person in the world . . .

That day will come when I end up in hospital.

So Near To X-Mas

So here it is, my monthly post. Only two more days til Christmas. I've done all the christmas shopping I can do. Have bought gifts for my family and Megan with the little money I have. Have yet to buy more but they will have to wait til after Christmas.

Life has been ok with the exception of missing a job. Have had a tummy virus though for the past week or so and this is the 3rd time I've had it in the space of about 4 weeks. Hopefully I've gotten rid of it for good! Or at least until after Christmas. New Years is still a way off yet and I have no plans for it at the moment.

I still live with Jonny and everything I need is now upstairs where it was supposed to be from the start. The living room has been cleaned out and moved around to accomodate all the Christmas features and is still being cleaned.

Me in myself emotionally... is another story.

Mood swings are somewhat biting me in the ass and I'm getting incredibly fed up of them but I'm a woman and there's nothing I can do about it. Taking "happy pills" or anti depressants and such are for drastic measures and for people who can't handle how they feel or act. I like to think I can handle it but I know I'm just another slave to the uncontrolable emotions just as the next woman. Thus brings the downfall of life and all that it stands for.

Parents are getting better. They don't get hold of me so much to check up on me. I think they're getting used to the fact that I want to do things on my own, even if I did start off on the wrong foot and down the wrong path. I'm still getting there and there's still time to get back on track with things. Granted I have no job and have been putting all my Job Seekers allowance into paying off my debt. Which may I add, I'm getting there! I absolutely must get a job after New Years irrespective of what it is. I need the money for more than just debts but so I can do all the things I want to do. That does not just mean going out every night and drinking. Once in a while I would like to go out with friends on a day trip to theme park or Zoo or even down the river. Infact, one thing I'd like to save up for is a car! I miss driving more than I do having the ability to go where I want.

I guess I feel a little bit dull in myself. Not much variety in my day to day life which working at a nursery seemed to fulfill more than fully. I miss working with kids, the randomness they give and the unexpected activities of each day. However I haven't done the work I was supposed to and I can't do it either. Everytime I bloody try my head goes skitz and over thinks everything making it even more complicated for me. Not many people believe me to be able to do this but I do.

Me and Jonny are ok. Sometimes I don't understand his logic and I can't be bothered to go through the hassle of asking and him trying to explain it in supposedly simplistic terms. So simple that I still cannot understand. So I don't ask.

Other than that, there's not much here, whether it be in my head, my life or any part of me. Enjoy.