Improvement

There is always something everyone could improve on. For me? It's to stop hiding things, its not lying so much, its just not telling. Lying would be if I covered it up with something else. But I don't. I just don't tell.

Why do I do it? Your guess is as good as mine. Ask me why I flinch every time someone raises their arm at me, now that I could answer. But I wont.

Usually I wont tell because I don't want to upset people, or I don't want to be shouted at (if its my parents). But whats the point. It always catches up with me anyway.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm just floating places. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I feel like I've always got to watch what I say or do, like I can't be myself anymore. I have to be "someone else".

Maybe its because things aren't so great at the moment. Maybe thats why I feel this way. Or maybe its because I feel like there's strings attached to everything. Like I'm tied down. I'm not much for horoscopes but I will agree that I hate being told what to do when it's my choice, aquarians like to be free. And we get aggrevated when kept down or in like a prison. Thats why I left home in the first place. Nothing was my choice anymore. Now I come here and I still have rules. I admit that I understand why and I'm willing to abide by them, I can tolerate nearly anything. No one has made me blow a fuse to such an extent that I go nuts. And sometimes thats annoying becuase I'll want to go nuts, but inside I just cannot find it in me to let it all go. I just sigh, and it all goes with that one breath. Who would've thought all the anger inside would just fly out with one sigh.

I'm sorry I'm just blabbing on now but I just need to talk. I haven't spoken to anyone properly today and I'm already feeling the pressure of having just the smallest things bottled up. Like I want to say something to Jonny, only a few words but I can't. I know he's still angry with me and I'm prepared to give him the time and space he needs to let him decide what he wants to do.

I'm too scared to do a tarot reading. Last time I did one, it told me a relationship would end. And it did, twice. I don't want to read that again. I already promised myself that if it happened a third time I would leave for good and never speak nor see him again. But I don't want to do that. Nor do I want to see it in the tarot. It's so accurate it scares me. And its the deck that was blessed and smudged just for my use. I'm not one for magic and wiccan or pagan magic but the tarot cards I put my faith in.

Anyway, I'm so lonely right now. And cold. And lost. I feel so disappointed in myself for not doing what I should have done a month ago. I feel I've let myself down, and him. I tried so hard to make things better and I thought keeping my mouth shut was the right thing to do. But it isn't. I feel like I should just go back to school and see if I'm any smarter than what I was 6 years ago. Probably not.

A New Life

Well, it's been nearly a month since I moved in. I'm now signed up for Job Seekers Allowance as my plan to get a job within a few weeks didn't work.

After looking after my brother for a week, my parents took my car away. I wanted to leave it at home so I didn't have to pay £7 a day to park it over here and they said that if I kept it there, I'd have to sign it over to my dad. So I agreed. Why? Cos then he'd pay for the repairs, get the panel fixed and then do all the insides of it. I'll still have to pay him back when I want the car but by the time I have the money to do that, I'd also have enough money to take motorbike lessons and get myself a bike and insurance for it. So, which one? My car or a new bike?? I like the bike idea myself. Have always wanted one!

So a month in and we haven't torn each other apart. A good sign! I was quite worried he'd get fed up of me but he hasn't and I haven't got fed up of him! Yay!

Well I don't really have much to say. I've spent the past month pretty much sat on my butt due to there not being a lot to do. Despite bein in the middle of town, there's not much to do when you don't know many people. However, I do want a job! For the money and to kill time and to get New Rocks!! Wooooo!! I want New Rocks!!

Anywho, another update soon!!

Settling In

It's been 5 days since I moved in with Jonny.

At first things were great. I although it has been a bit back and forth to home, didn't quite realise just how much crap I had in my room. Yesterday was my mums birthday and of course, I wanted to be there. But also I was going to see a show at the pavillion with Amber. I had no idea what time it started or finished, all I knew was that I had to pick Amber at 6. I got back at 11 and the reception I got off Jonny was not good. Turned out he didn't like the time I had got back. What am I, a child? I thought I moved out so that I didn't have to worry what time I got back and things like that. He said it doesn't set a good example. Example to who?! I didn't ask. I tried to get as much sense out of him but he just wanted to go to sleep. And now in the morning he's still in a mood with me. I went out to look for a job but everyones looking for xmas temp staff. I want to talk to him but he's attitude towards me is just so awkward and its like he doesn't even want me here anymore. When I came back from going out I went straight upstairs and laid in bed. He was downstairs on the computer and came up ten minutes later and laid next to me facing the other way. He didn't say anything. I just looked at him. But nothing said and he just laid there. I asked why he came up, he said it was cos he was cold and tired. Shame, there's me thinking he wanted to come up and see me and talk to me. I guess I'm too stupid to realise that.

Right now I'm down stairs, typing this and listening and singing to Shakira. It's been half an hour I'm on my own here. I trained with my sai's for a while to the music but I just don't feel right. I wanna talk to him but he makes it so awkward. He just doesn't respond to whatever I say and I don't know what I should or shouldn't do. I know I don't want to escalate it but some of the things I want to say I know will only make things worse. But how else can I tell him? I can't bottle it up forever just because of how he'll react. I don't want to throw this away. I don't want to jepordise it. But what else can I do?

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do! I know we should talk! I know thts why the arguements before were so bad because we didn't talk! I don't want that to happen again! Not when I know what we've got to do to avoid it! But how can I do it if he isn't interested?

I don't even understand why he's in the mood with me! I never told him I wouldn't go to the show, I only said I wouldn't if I didn't have my car back by then. And I didn't know what time I'd get back or anything!

Fuck sake, why is this even happening? And why do I feel like the only one whose fucking caring about this situation!!!! Yet if I talk to him, we won't seem to care and I just feel like I'm wasting my time.

Should I really be here?
Or should I be home?

I don't know.

Weekend

This weekend was awesome! Not in the way that I did something totally extreme, but in the fact that it was fun and something I needed!

Spent the weekend at Jonny's. Went to the beach Saturday afternoon with Tom, I went swimming and those two chilled out on the beach. I stayed round his that night. Sunday we were meant to be going to the cinema to watch Rush hour 3 but he cancelled it because he wanted to spend time with me! We played Black and White all morning which was funny and then we basically kissed and cuddled all afternoon. He noticed how much I was loving the attention and now knows how to really make me happy! We talked about loads of things, we even discussed what we would do next Valentines day! At the moment he's trying to get out of me what I'm getting him for his birthday, I have no idea!! AHA!

Well I have to go now, need to wash and vacuum out my car!

How I Got My Hair Done!

Firstly, Jess sectioned my hair to begin cutting it! Boy isn't it long!

Hooray it's cut! By the way my friend Jess is my hairdresser!

Wow thats alot gone!
Look it's my own lil hairball!

On goes the bleach! It did burn at first. The back of my head is still a little sore!

It's gone blonde!

Me, jus out the bath after washing it off!

Jess dries it

Then sections it

Now on goes the red!


















Keep going Jess

Add some foil so I don't mix the red and black, I look like a spaceman!

This is after all the black and red has been washed out!

Some last minute layering

Now to cut the black so it's shorter than the red

And it's done!

Can't see just how bright the red is though. But it is VERY bright!

9 Months - What A Feeling

Well I never thought it would happen.

24 hours after dumping me, Jonny wants me back. We were texting each other with general conversation as though we were friends and it was fine! I was quite enjoying it! I was glad that it wasn't akward between us. Then after saying good nite, i left one kiss on the end of the text and so did he, i then text back saying it was weird not sending 3 as i was so used to it. I then fell asleep. He however, txt back saying "XXX :)" and then 3 minutes later, text me begging for me to take him back and that he wasn't thinking and can't live without me. I woke up 2 minutes after and checked my phone and woke up pretty quick with excitement! He wants me back! Personally I thought it was all gonna blow up at the gig by me kissing him! But instead of showing him how excited I was, I played a little hard to get. Asked him why I should come back to him after he tore my heart up the night before. He told me that he was a fuckin fool for lettin me go, that he wasn't whole without me and had realised just how much he missed me and needs me, he'd been crying since he sent the kisses and wanted one more chance. I sent back saying I'd give him one more chance if he could prove to me tomoro that he means what he said.

And he did. We talked and talked about everything! Things we liked and didn't like. Things that annoyed us, things that we wanted more of. All day we were close, kissing and cuddling, talking and laughing. So I agreed to take him back.

I know I said I was doing well without him as a boyfriend and just as a friend, but truth is I love him and the only reason I didn't feel a loss is cos he was still in my life and still my friend. If I'd lost all contact with him and wouldn't see him again, then I'd probably be a mess!

So a happy ending after all! Maybe this was really meant to be.

Here's To The Newly Weds

First off, congratulations to Carl and Aimee for their wedding on Saturday. Hope it all goes well!

Well, now onto my sorrowful lot.

Last night Jonny went to the dungeon, then dumped me when he got home. The reason? Because I told his best mate about something he'd done while drunk. Um, for the sake of the blog, say its nearly as embarrassin as wetting the bed. Now maybe understand how he feels and why he was angry about it. But I didn't tell anyone else!

I don't know how he'll be when he wakes up sober. Whether he'll remember or not. He probably will. But maybe he wont be so angry this time. We were supposed to decide on Saturday whether we were gonna stay and work it out or not. Guess he's already decided. But we're supposed to be going to a gig next week. Dunno if we're still friends or not. Anyway, at first I cried, felt sick, then eventually fell asleep and after half hour sleep before my alarm went off, I feel fine. Like I'm not bothered by it anymore. So long as we're friends I guess it never will bother me. The tarot cards told me this would happen. Twice they told me and the second time it was the next thing to happen! So I guess soon as it told me, I started preparing myself for it. I just wasn't prepared for the reason why!

Later that day....

He does still mean what he said. So thats it. It's officially over. I've only cried once so far. Nearly cried at work but managed to keep my head high. It doesn't seem to bother me that much. I can now be myself without having to worry what he's going to think and whether he's going to dump me for it. We're still friends and we're still going to the gig next week and cinema. I feel better with him as a friend than a boyfriend. I have no commitment to him therefore have no strings attached to what ever I now do. I can cut my hair again, re-dye it and get my other tattoo! I am not regretting the first one, I'm still glad I got it done even if he didn't like it. Now I can go down the dungeon, get pissed off my face and not give a shit whether I'm embarrassing him or not. If he doesn't like it, he can fuck off. I guess he was starving me of my freedom which is what I want most. And I'm no longer jealous of him. I have nothing to be jealous of. He still has no job, where as I now have everything I need. Freedom and my independence.

As my Godfather said, a pretty lass like you will have no problems finding a REAL man! just enjoy life, have fun and he will come to you!

And you know what? Thats exactly what I'm going to do!