Welcome Back My Gothic Twin

By the way, before I go on my ramblings, I'd just like to say that I wasn't wrong about that girl, she is an ignorant fucking cow and I hope she kills herself by OD on anti depressants! Just to be ironic!

Anyway

A little note also to RACHEL GRAY cos I know you fucking read this you stupid cunt -
Would you please. . . JUST FUCK OFF!!!
You think I'm the back stabber and liar?? YOU were the one who fucking lied to her parents, YOU were the one backstabbing Jess to ME!!! YOU think yo'uve got people wrapped around your little finger trying to push me out and get one in on me, but oh no!! It's all back fired and no one wants you around anymore! Why? COS I DONT FUCK WITH PPLS HEADS JUST TO GET WHAT I WANT YOU FUCKING STUPID TWAT!!! HOW FUCKING DUMB CAN YOU GET?!?!?

Don't answer that.

Onto other news. I'm back into Cradle of Filth. They are my fighting music and I can't escape it. Pendulum has worn out its welcome. I can feel myself drifting back into that gothic side of me that wants everything black and deadly. I welcome it with open arms as halloween is just around the corner.

Also I seem to notice that with the seasons, i.e winter, I become more dark in my fashion and sooner or later just completely Goth. And then I lighten up for summer! HA!

Anyway I must get ready for work.

The Plague: Get It. Feed It. Spread It. Bitches.

Back From The Holidays!!

Cyprus was amazing! Spent every day down the beach or at least some part of it, mainly in the afternoon. I went diving twice which was brilliant and I really want to take up the course and do it properly!! We went exploring every night to various bars, the Square Bar being our favourite because the bar man was super cool and gave us free drinks, plus Matt "Elvis" Craig was really funny and probably the most likeable welsh man ever (lol!). We ate out for 4 nights and ate in the other 2, the sun was boiling hot but made the beach even nicer! I went snorkelling every day and twice I saw an octopus! I had to wrestle one to get the shell that I brought home! I saw this big shell and then saw two eyes next to it watching me! As I dived down to get it, he put a tentacle around it and wouldn't let go, I ended dragging him out of his little cave, I couldn't stop as I was floating back up without trying and so the octopus admitted defeat and let go. Greedy buggar, what more could he want with it, he'd already emptied it! Fed the fish with bread and they would follow me for half hour afterwards round the reef just incase I dropped anymore. Picked up numerous starfish which no one else seemed to spot :s I wasn't the only one snorkelling and yet as I swam behind a few, I spotted starfish lightly camoflaged and dived down to pick them up. Cute little creatures. I didnt feel too great when seeing them in the souvenirs shop, dried and coloured and sealed in bags with herbs. They looked so much prettier alive.

Can't wait to go home tomorrow, see the parents and my dragons. And then I'm going for dinner with my best mate Jess, don't really know where we're going yet cos neither of us know what we fancy! Aha! Frankies in castly point looks to be the destination.

Anyway!! Can't stay long, have much to catch up on! ^^

God Dammit

Okay so last time I was a little hasty to judge. Turns out she was given those days off anyway. Argh, blind to the obvious again >< for which I apologise for. What can I say, I was in a bad mood. Ah well, hopefully maybe at some point I'll be able to see for myself. But I still stand by what I said that some people just don't have a good enough reason to be on them happy pills.

I don't know, we'll see.

3 DAYS TIL I GO ON HOLIDAY!!

FUCKING YES!!! I can't fucking wait!! Haven't been on holiday in ages and to be going with Rob, ah it's like a dream coming true!! Seriously, I'd only been with him a couple of months when he asked if I'd go! Last time it was a year before we went away together! And then it was shite cos he didn't wanna go anywhere!! So this time, it will be perfect!! I can't fucking wait!!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't You Just Hate It When . . .

Someone at work uses some pathetic and really stupid excuse not to come in. And on top of that, isn't it such a coincedence that the week they're off "sick" is the week they wanted to book off couple of weeks earlier but weren't allowed it?

Talk about real fucking obvious.

And I bet they're in London right now.

Also what pissed me off is that they're excuse is "I'm on anti depressants so I can't work" . . .

WHAT A LOAD OF FUCKING BOLLOCKS!!

I'm sorry but you may think you've pulled the wool over people's eyes but sure as hell not mine!!
YOU have NOTHING to be depressed about. Alright so you lost a loved one but she was old and lived a good and fulfilling life. So you dumped your boyfriend, you two were doomed from the start anyway after the amount of break ups in just 2 weeks!! That is still FUCK ALL reason to take anti depressants!!

AND ON TOP OF THAT!!

Why the fuck should it stop you from working?!?! One of the other staff is always on anti depressants but they still come into work!!

Besides, you have no idea what depressed is about. You don't even know the meaning to the word. Now you might turn around and say "well neither do you" but oh people at work KNOW that I've been depressed, far more than you could ever imagine. My art, my stories, my poetry and my scars tell the tale of my depression without me having to say a damned word.

And guess what!! I still didn't have to take anti depressants!!

. . .

Anyway, onto a happier note.

I go away on holiday in 6 days with my drummer boy!! Oh I'm so excited!!! Only got 3 more shifts at work and then I'm AWAY!!!

YEA BABY!!!!

FUCK OFF YOU M*THERF*CKING C*NT!!

So you think you can come back into my life, guns blazing and mouthing off at me.

I don't think so.

It's been 2 years at least since I last spoke to you. 3 years since it happened.

I don't need you and never have done!

SO FUCK OFF!!

I don't want your crap of how you think you know better than me!! You wanna try and tell me what to do?? Why the fuck should I listen to you when I've got the better job than you, I've got more friends than you, a better life than you and I'm in a higher position than you will ever be in!!

You've got some fucking nerve to tell me that I don't know what life is.

I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT LIFE WAS THE DAY YOU FUCKING KILLED HER!!!

And as for that little WHORE you had, I hope she's grown up or is DEAD!!!

I swear to God you DARE fucking come NEAR me, I'm gonna grab your bollocks and shove em so far up your arse they'll be in your throat!!!

I know your plan, you need me to still want you, but I don't, I'm not gonna be wrapped around your finger. Not again. Not anymore. Once was bad enough.

I wanna smother you. . .

. . .

. . . In fire and brimstone!!!

A Whole New World

Ok, lets get upto date shall we?

I have suddenly become indulged in Pendulum, whether this is because Sam has invited me to come see them at the BIC in December or not, I'm not sure. But either way, I'm very much wrapped up in it atm. Especially Remember Me. Loving the foreign language, in songs any way. Also Dota by Basshunter is a favourite.

Next, last night, I went clubbing after work with Harry and Sam. Oh yes, the sexy trio were out roaming Bournemouth!

. . .

Good god I've never been so frightened in all my life!!
First . . . ok no thats a lie. SECOND time of being in a proper club. Although the first time, I had already been drinking and then ended up in a hot tub with my eyes shut while I danced to a bass line as it was all I could hear. Anyway yes, this time, I was frightened. I actually felt like crying, either through fascination, amazement, fear or HELP GET ME OUT OF HERE!! I'm not sure. Maybe all of them. I did eventually get used to it enough to dance. However, looking in the mirrors quickly put me off. Maybe I was wearing the wrong trousers but Good God I wanted to put WIDE LOAD sticker on MY OWN BACKSIDE!! That can't be good. So yes, that shot down my self confidence. Got very freaked out though when one guy held onto my waist (even though quite a lot of guys done that, they let go as they passed) this guy DIDNT let go!! It wasn't until I sharply turned that he let go!! I don't have a very good history with guys not letting go of me. Dungeon, Jumping Jacks, Angel, pubs and clubs of sorts. All ended badly. Except Dungeon, that didn't end too badly. The guy was married and did later apologise to me so that was ok. ^^

Difference between the clubs I'm used to going to and that one last night is that this one - well, lets face it. I stood out as a n00b the moment I walked in the door. Big dance floor, fancy lights, heavy bass line and my dancing usually consists of head banging, hmm couldn't really do it here. And Dungeon has a very small dance floor. Everyone is normally hanging out drinking with mates and chatting. Sound Circus has a bigger dance floor but still no where near as big as this one, plus they play alternative music and heavy metal!! So that also suits me to a T. But looking round this new one, it was . . . unusual. You could pick out the girls who regularly spent their Saturday nights dancing away and knew how to dress for such an occasion. You could also pick out those who were on a one night celebration event. And then there's people like me, who didn't know what to do, felt embarrassed to even be there and wished they had worn something else, a little more suiting to the place! I would like to give it a proper shot one day, maybe for my 21st? Do it properly, full on clubbing gear, UV everywhere, one night down sound circus, another night down Lavaignite, and then one night down Dungeon. Yes. Thats my week off planned!! Wednesday - Dungeon. Friday - Sound Circus. Saturday - Lava;ignite. BRING IT!! ^^

Ok, other news!!
I'm meeting Rob's dad tomorrow and his partner. >.< He was going to leave it as a surprise but luckily he had to tell me cos Jess wanted to make plans with us. So now I can prepare what I'm going to wear and make a proper impression and not make his dad think that he's just pulled some alternative prostitute ¬¬

OH ONE OTHER THING!!
Found an alternative shop in Bournemouth.

YES!!! OH YES!! AT FUCKING LAST!!! A SHOP WORTH GOING TO IN BOURNEMOUTH!! Other than Anne Summers of course. ^^

My dragons are growing immensly. Althought Dad is getting a little grumpy because he feels slightly left out because I do everything. He fed them today and I asked him to dust them with calcium dust next time he feeds them live food. He got all grumpy and said "fine I wont feed them next time" . . . no I didn't say you can't, I'm just asking if you could dust the food first before feeding it to em. I get the feeling I was talking to a child ???

AARR I AM LOVING THIS TUUUUUNE!!!

I am going through a random phase of saying random shizz. As you can see. However still an alternative at heart. Irrespective of my music phase at the moment. And my clothing is dragging a bit. It's resolving to baggy shirts and jeans due to my lack of confidence in my body. I seriously need to stop eating. And being on the implant doesn't help cos every small little snack puts something on me!! And I WILL stick to it!!! 2 meals a day MAX!! and NO SNACKING!!! Ok, here we go:

1. No more than 2 meals a day of medium portion.
2. No snacking.
3. No fizzy drinks
4. NO REDBULL! Or other energy drinks.
5. No alcohol (AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yea thats going to be difficult. Though I could have it with juice!!)
6. Drink more water.
7. No fast food.


That will do me for now. On top of that there is a fitness regieme for me. Using dumbells and this twisty thing my mum has to help lose the weight off the mid drift which I could really use right now!

Here's another thing. *one more ting!!! - Uncle stylee!*
I can't sing.
Not for shit.
I may be able to sing in tune, but having the voice to do it is a totally different matter. And anyone who says I can is a liar!!
I'm not going to sing again at the next House band gig. Or pub karaoke - or EVER!!

*sighs* I feel like drawing. OH I KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA DO!!! ^^

I was going to add to my scrap book of me and Rob, the emails we shared before we met properly for the first time. Such happy memories, my heart never raced so fast, nor hard. ^^
Hehehehehe!! Still makes me giggle even now. Wonder what he was thinking when he was writing his first email to me . . .

Anyway, I think thats enough for your daily dose of insanity.
I know it's enough for me!!

I Am Going Insane!!

Well I have just come back from a couple of days down the beach staying at Jess and Jamies. Had their engagement party on Monday night which was cool. Had karaoke and got a little tipsy. Didn't feel it but I really couldn't get my words out right!

Anyway, finding it really hard to type as my dragons are sat on me.

I am missing Rob soooooooooooo much!!! I was ok when he went on holiday but when it comes to not having seen him for a week, knowing where he is and how to get to him, it drives me mental cos I know I "should'nt" go see him despite how much I want to! And I know I could get to him easily without much hassle but I'm trying to be good, listen to the angel on my shoulder and wait until its convenient for him. Which means having to wait til Thursday or Sunday if I'm really unlucky. And in his absence, I've been relying on texts from him to stay in contact. And the insecurities have been trying their hardest to creep in and screw up my head.

I will probably end up writing it down and then sticking it in the book. Proof that I have grown up and become more mature and controlled over my emotions instead of letting them run wild.

Ah the joys of life!