Put Your Faith In God

For You Have No Faith In Yourself;;

Well, things are better. I did manage to talk to Jonny about what was wrong, however I also spoke to his best mate and what he's told him compared to what he's told me are two completely seperate reasons. Both however are valid, it just shows me that Jonny won't tell me everything thats on his mind!

At least he spoke to me. At least he opened up to me.

P.s I'm so sorry Brett. You're a good friend to me, I would like to keep you by my side, if you'd let me? But Jonny is always gonna be the one that holds my hand as I walk. I cannot replace him.

Life is hell.

Lost

I am so lost, I don't know what to do at all.

I've done something wrong to Jonny but he won't tell me what I've done. I don't know what I've done to upset him but he "can't be bothered to explain". I wonder if he can even be bothered with me anymore! I don't want to lose him, I do love him but I just don't know how long I can tolerate his pride and ignorance. He tells me to tell him when something is bugging me and I do! But he won't do the same for me. It's like this relationship works only one way but it doesn't! A relationship is supposed to work two ways and I can't do this on my own! I've even asked his mum for help cos I just feel so damned lost! It's like being out at sea and there's no landmarks at all. I'm doing the best I can but I'm running out of ideas.

Someone help me, please, I need help

To Ask;; Or Not To Ask;;

[[ Why;; why do you do this? ]]

Why is it when I go into town, you won't come with me?
When I go out, whether to get food, go to the bank, anything, you won't come with me? You'll stay at home and play games and then text me when you're getting bored telling me to come back quicker.
Why is it that when I'm not around, you go out and hang out with your friends?
Nearly every day during the week, so long as the weather is good, you'll go out and hang out with your friends yet you won't do that if I'm there even if you're invited.
Why is Tom is the only mate of yours I really know?
You'll invite Tom round whether I'm there or not, yet you'll only invite other people if I'm not there.
Why don't you hang out with anyone else just because I'm there?
The only time I ever see any other mates of yours is when we're out with Tom and we bumb into people. Sometimes we stay and talk but othertimes its a quick hello goodbye then you take my hand and we walk off.
Why do I feel like you're seperating me from your social life?
I can already see it, I'm living with you but you're not there cos you're hanging out with your friends and I'm not invited. And you won't invite me. The only thing you've invited me to is Robyns return party and thats only because you're expected to ask me cos if you dont, Tom will or Robyn. When it was Dave's party, Dave invited me and you but told me seperately incase you didn't tell me.
Why do I feel like you're ashamed of me?
You won't introduce me to those I don't know. I'm guessing that everyone already knows who I am but my instinct is telling me otherwise. I get the feeling that you're embarrassed of me for being too weak or too loud or too upfront. I get the feeling that you're worried how you're going to look just by having me by your side.

I feel like I'm a seperate part of your life. The same way how people keep their work and personal life seperate. I feel like there is something hidden from me. I feel like there is something he doesn't want me to know. I trust him, I just feel I don't know everything.

[[ I hate;; I hate;; I hate being in a relationship and yet still feel alone;; ]]

TATTOO!

I GOT IT DONE!!! HOORAY!!!

I Know I Shouldn't But I Am

[[ I know I shouldn't, but I am;; I'm jealous of everything he has]]

Someone once said to me that the reason I fell for him in the first place is because he leads the life I wish I had. I'm starting to wonder if thats true. It's definitely why I'm jealous.

He has a social life. I have nothing. My evenings are spent on this damned computer doing nothing but fucking around with profiles from various internet sites just to keep me from getting so bored that I actually do my college work. I guess I should really but not being able to think nor having the determination to do it doesn't help either.
He does what ever he wants. I can't. His parents allow him to do whatever when ever and know he has independence and that he'll look after himself. My parents won't let me do jack shit.
He has lots of friends nearby. I have 4 friends within easy distance. Thats pathetic. Hence why I have no social life. One friend is a slut wanna-be yet still wants to keep her dignity which vanished along with the dildo that she lost it to. The second friend is so "christian" that she won't even touch alcohol. She doesn't have a job, go out or anything. Her hobbies include Pokemon, YuGiOh and her dog! My third friend just doesn't have the time recently and for the whole year we've known each other, we've never really hung out and I've only just asked! My fourth friend is the furthest and he has a daughter. Him and his girlfriend are really cool to talk to and hang out with but I know I'll just end up spilling my troubles to them and crying my eyes out and I don't like doing that to people. I have one more, my godfather. But he's often busy or in another country or down in Frome. I do wish he was here now though.
He has places he can go. I live in the middle of a forest. New Milton is nothing and the forest isn't that much fun on your own.
He doesn't have to work. He has the whole day to do whatever. I'd like that once in a while. And he can go out in the evening and not have to worry what time he's back as he's got nothing to do the next day. I'm sure that would get boring after a while but I've not had it for years.

I am so fucking jealous!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I hate myself even more for feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like this. Worst of all, I get REALLY jealous when some other girl has his attention other than me.

I hate this. I hate myself. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm such an idiot.