Well after Thursday night, things seemed to go down hill. Only a tad bit and I'm not talking about me and Jonny.
Anyway, I'd rather not talk about it. Someone bragged. Another girl stuck her nose in. Wound Jonny right up, I told him the truth, we're ok now but I have gained two enemies which I didn't really want to do but what choice do I have.
Not much has happened. Maybe the only reason I'm on this is to pass the time.
Sunday 24 February 2008
Wednesday 20 February 2008
Moving Swiftly On
Well, over the past couple of weeks things had gotten worse. Jonny and I were constantly arguing every time we spoke but after a few days, we're ok. Turns out the reason he went for Fraggle was because he thought I'd gone off with Brett. Which I hadn't. But now he finds himself in a hole because Fraggle has fallen in love with him and he doesn't want to know. When I found out, I just burst out laughing!
Also found out from a reliable source that Jonny still loves me but doesn't think he'll ever want to get back with me. At first, I was a little sad and confused and all the information did was just fuck with my head. But now, I'm good. After having decent conversation with him the past week or so, I'm finally ok with anything he does. Yes I admit I still get a little jealous but after coming out of a long relationship, who wouldn't! I'm pretty sure he still gets a little jealous too. I have tried talking to him in a calm manner about the whole relationship but I think it is best left discussed face to face and this may not happen for a while. Which is fine with me.
Hopefully I will have a job by Monday. My birthday last Monday was good, went out for lunch with my family and tomorrow Brett is taking me out for lunch and then going down the pub with Jess and a few other friends for a piss up and I'm not paying for a single drink! So it's all good!
To be honest, I really don't want a boyfriend or any kind of relationship at this time. I may feel like I'm over Jonny but I know that my heart is still holding on and I just deny it. I admit that it has been easier recently with being able to talk comfortably with Jonny and just being friends. After deleting me off all his profiles he then added me and has now put me back on his top friends which I find is a step forward!
I'll still be going to Australia however I have had to move it back to September as I will not be able to clear all my debts and be able to save up for my flight and spending money between now and April. On top of that, Jess's mum has invited me to come on holiday with them to Devon for a week which I have happily accepted. It'll only be a couple of hundred and that's plus spending money so that will be good because on top of that, we get our own place while the rest of her family sit in seperate accommodation.
So, I'm now looking forward to a new start in my life!
Also found out from a reliable source that Jonny still loves me but doesn't think he'll ever want to get back with me. At first, I was a little sad and confused and all the information did was just fuck with my head. But now, I'm good. After having decent conversation with him the past week or so, I'm finally ok with anything he does. Yes I admit I still get a little jealous but after coming out of a long relationship, who wouldn't! I'm pretty sure he still gets a little jealous too. I have tried talking to him in a calm manner about the whole relationship but I think it is best left discussed face to face and this may not happen for a while. Which is fine with me.
Hopefully I will have a job by Monday. My birthday last Monday was good, went out for lunch with my family and tomorrow Brett is taking me out for lunch and then going down the pub with Jess and a few other friends for a piss up and I'm not paying for a single drink! So it's all good!
To be honest, I really don't want a boyfriend or any kind of relationship at this time. I may feel like I'm over Jonny but I know that my heart is still holding on and I just deny it. I admit that it has been easier recently with being able to talk comfortably with Jonny and just being friends. After deleting me off all his profiles he then added me and has now put me back on his top friends which I find is a step forward!
I'll still be going to Australia however I have had to move it back to September as I will not be able to clear all my debts and be able to save up for my flight and spending money between now and April. On top of that, Jess's mum has invited me to come on holiday with them to Devon for a week which I have happily accepted. It'll only be a couple of hundred and that's plus spending money so that will be good because on top of that, we get our own place while the rest of her family sit in seperate accommodation.
So, I'm now looking forward to a new start in my life!
Sunday 10 February 2008
Should've Seen It Coming
30th Jan 08
11:08am
If I write this on my net blog, he'll complain about it. So I'll do it here.
I feel like he doesn't want me here anymore. Or that there is something he is hiding.
Everytime I go to hug him or ask for a hug he sighs, complains or groans about it. It makes me feel so unwanted. He does the same if I kiss him a number of times, it's like he gets fed up of it. He especially does it if I make a move even if it has nothing to do with sex, he still complains about it and it makes me feel like he doesn't want to know anymore. I don't know where I stand now. At first, I could take it as a joke, but now I can't help but think that he means it. And maybe he does, I don't know.
I admit I am trying to make out with him but only because it makes me feel closer to him, and even if there is no sex, just lots of passionate kissing, still shows me that he still loves me. And right now there's none of that and it makes me wonder if he even still finds me attractive at all. I don't want to have another arguement for him to show me how he feels. But we haven't been very close since that day and hadn't been since New Years. I don't want it to be a once a month thing. Thats why we had the arguement in the first place so I'm trying to avoid it happening again but how can I do that if he complains at every fucking move I make!!!!
I am fucking trying to make this work cos I do fucking love him to pieces but I can't carry on as though there's nothing wrong! All his complaining upsets me, makes me feel like I'm nothing, that I'm not special to him anymore.
Right now he's asleep, and I'm crying.
I really do want to talk to him about it! But I'm afraid of what he might say. And if he tells me to put more effort into it - how can I if your putting me down all the time!! It's kinda hard for me to keep my self esteem up when you huff and sigh just because I asked for a hug! And then you hide yourself away just because I mentioned your cock. I don't have a disease or anything.
Why are you doing this? I don't want to be pushed away.
------------------------------------------------------
All the signs were there...
11:08am
If I write this on my net blog, he'll complain about it. So I'll do it here.
I feel like he doesn't want me here anymore. Or that there is something he is hiding.
Everytime I go to hug him or ask for a hug he sighs, complains or groans about it. It makes me feel so unwanted. He does the same if I kiss him a number of times, it's like he gets fed up of it. He especially does it if I make a move even if it has nothing to do with sex, he still complains about it and it makes me feel like he doesn't want to know anymore. I don't know where I stand now. At first, I could take it as a joke, but now I can't help but think that he means it. And maybe he does, I don't know.
I admit I am trying to make out with him but only because it makes me feel closer to him, and even if there is no sex, just lots of passionate kissing, still shows me that he still loves me. And right now there's none of that and it makes me wonder if he even still finds me attractive at all. I don't want to have another arguement for him to show me how he feels. But we haven't been very close since that day and hadn't been since New Years. I don't want it to be a once a month thing. Thats why we had the arguement in the first place so I'm trying to avoid it happening again but how can I do that if he complains at every fucking move I make!!!!
I am fucking trying to make this work cos I do fucking love him to pieces but I can't carry on as though there's nothing wrong! All his complaining upsets me, makes me feel like I'm nothing, that I'm not special to him anymore.
Right now he's asleep, and I'm crying.
I really do want to talk to him about it! But I'm afraid of what he might say. And if he tells me to put more effort into it - how can I if your putting me down all the time!! It's kinda hard for me to keep my self esteem up when you huff and sigh just because I asked for a hug! And then you hide yourself away just because I mentioned your cock. I don't have a disease or anything.
Why are you doing this? I don't want to be pushed away.
------------------------------------------------------
All the signs were there...
Thursday 7 February 2008
It Just Wasn't To Last
After all thats been said and done, it's finally come to an end.
He ended it.
What else am I to do? I can only hope and pray that maybe one day we'll be together again. He still wants to be friends and if he falls in love again with me, he'll try to get with me again.
What's the use.
He'll probably find another girl before he even thinks of me again.
My heart is shattered.
My head is all over the place.
My body is weak all over and has lost the will to do anything anymore.
I have cried so many tears that my eyes hurt yet there are still more to cry.
Am I ok?
Answer one:
I'm ok, I don't really have a choice so yes I'm ok.
Answer two:
I guess so.
Answer Three:
I'm not ok, I'm dying inside and my dreams have abandoned me.
I'd go for three.
I don't know. At first it was the most painful experience of my life.
OH GOD NO!!!!
I'm going through that damned phase!! At first you care, it hurts and you cry. Next, you're fine, can see why its happening and don't really care what happens next. Thats where I am now, but after that, It's complete misery!!!!!!
I keep wanting to cry. But I hold it back.
One day someone will make me feel like the most important person in the world . . .
That day will come when I end up in hospital.
He ended it.
What else am I to do? I can only hope and pray that maybe one day we'll be together again. He still wants to be friends and if he falls in love again with me, he'll try to get with me again.
What's the use.
He'll probably find another girl before he even thinks of me again.
My heart is shattered.
My head is all over the place.
My body is weak all over and has lost the will to do anything anymore.
I have cried so many tears that my eyes hurt yet there are still more to cry.
Am I ok?
Answer one:
I'm ok, I don't really have a choice so yes I'm ok.
Answer two:
I guess so.
Answer Three:
I'm not ok, I'm dying inside and my dreams have abandoned me.
I'd go for three.
I don't know. At first it was the most painful experience of my life.
OH GOD NO!!!!
I'm going through that damned phase!! At first you care, it hurts and you cry. Next, you're fine, can see why its happening and don't really care what happens next. Thats where I am now, but after that, It's complete misery!!!!!!
I keep wanting to cry. But I hold it back.
One day someone will make me feel like the most important person in the world . . .
That day will come when I end up in hospital.
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