If you watch porn with your partner, it's fine. If they watch it without you, its an insult!! WTF!!
Ok I don't quite understand my own trail of thought here and why the fuck it's fucked me off so fucking much!!
I watch porn, I'm not afraid to admit that. He watches it with me, but he'd rather watch our own home videos. Fair enough. Tried to watch other porn with him, didn't do anything for him. Now he's watching it without me and specifically blowjob stuff. WHAT THE FUCK EVER HAPPENED TO "I don't really watch it 'cos I just end up comparing myself to them". And yet blowjobs is the worst one to pick??!?!!?
I don't fucking understand why it's fucked me off.
And that fucks me off even more.
AND THEN THE FACT THAT HE TAKES SO FUCKING LONG TO REPLY TO ME ON MSN JUST GOES TO SHOW HE'S MORE FUCKING INTERESTED IN THAT THAN ME!!!!
I guess its that, that properly fucks me off.
FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!
Whats the fucking difference whether he watches it with me or not?!?!? Why does it make me feel like shit just cos I'm not there!!!! I'm the one with all the fucking toys and all he's got is his hand so I should let him have his porn for fuck sake!! It's only fair!! I don't even know how he feels about me having toys, and I make it clear to him that I use them when I'm home without him! It's my way of masturbating! In some respect I kinda feel sorry for blokes cos all they have is their hand to help them physically.
Strange, I've reasoned with myself why I have no right to feel such hatred. And yet, a little part of me still wants to smash his face in and end the whole thing.
Not that I would. That little tiny bit of me is ruled out by the other 99.9% of me.
Jealousy and Wrath are a terrible sin.
Sunday 21 February 2010
Friday 5 February 2010
History Is Never Far Behind
Don't you find it strange how, when you have a good memory, you sometimes have trouble remembering it. Yet when something terrible happens, the smallest event can remind you of the hurt you felt. And yet again, we're not supposed to remember pain?
I find myself once again in a fight against my own mind and the memories of the past.
All he did was throw his phone across the room.
And yet somehow, just from that one event, in a flash through my mind I saw a fist coming at me. Obviously not his, but a memory replaying itself infront of my eyes. Since when did a phone represent a hand??!
But its the series of events and the actions that followed that haunt me.
When I first got with Shaun, every time he raised his arm to hug me, I flinched. That made him cry. It made me realise also just how badly Graham had affected me.
The first time Jonny got violent around me, it didn't matter so much as he went after others looking for a stress relief and somehow in my mind, it made me laugh as it wasn't me he was after.
When with Rob, he got mad at someone or something and again, threw his phone and slammed doors and I just hid under the duvet of the bed and felt like crying. My insides just began to shake and my nerves were all over the place. My supposed pillar of strength, had just crumbled to the sin of wrath. And that scared me.
And now it happens once again. He throws his phone in an angry rage across the room. Again, my pillar of hope, strength and love has succumb to Wrath and my entire body shivered, my heart sank and my mind wanted to withdraw into its own pit of silence and mumbles of fear. But I overcame it and I spoke to him, got him to talk to me about why. It started to work, he started to talk to me and explain. But then he turned his back on me and left me against a cold wall.
I just wanted to cry.
I had suddenly been transformed in my mind into a small child, abandoned by the one they looked up to. But in my mind I know he probably had no intention of making it seem like that.
and herein lies the tragedy. The joys of having the most hateful, hurtful, violent and painful relationship as the first one you experience in life. Everything else becomes tainted with all these nightmares and fears. Doubts and Paranoia that you thought had gone forever, suddenly return with vengeance with just one little move.
It is something I have to get used to. It's a different matter when we're both angry at the same thing. But it's when he's more annoyed than I am, I think! I don't know, I'm not entirely sure why some things trigger it and others don't. Maybe it's because when Graham was violent and angry, I was fine and in a happy mood. Only to be shot down. Maybe it's that, that when I'm happy, I'm at my weakest, my defences are not up in my mind and it's like shooting an officer who hasn't got his bullet proof vest on because he's off duty and leading his normal life. Yes, now I think about it, it makes perfect sense.
Living with Graham put constant fear into my heart. And for some reason, as I listened to Evanescence, I felt stronger. And maybe that's why I love the band so much, they remind me of how strong I used to feel, how strong I can be, maybe thats why.
Now I remember.
I find myself once again in a fight against my own mind and the memories of the past.
All he did was throw his phone across the room.
And yet somehow, just from that one event, in a flash through my mind I saw a fist coming at me. Obviously not his, but a memory replaying itself infront of my eyes. Since when did a phone represent a hand??!
But its the series of events and the actions that followed that haunt me.
When I first got with Shaun, every time he raised his arm to hug me, I flinched. That made him cry. It made me realise also just how badly Graham had affected me.
The first time Jonny got violent around me, it didn't matter so much as he went after others looking for a stress relief and somehow in my mind, it made me laugh as it wasn't me he was after.
When with Rob, he got mad at someone or something and again, threw his phone and slammed doors and I just hid under the duvet of the bed and felt like crying. My insides just began to shake and my nerves were all over the place. My supposed pillar of strength, had just crumbled to the sin of wrath. And that scared me.
And now it happens once again. He throws his phone in an angry rage across the room. Again, my pillar of hope, strength and love has succumb to Wrath and my entire body shivered, my heart sank and my mind wanted to withdraw into its own pit of silence and mumbles of fear. But I overcame it and I spoke to him, got him to talk to me about why. It started to work, he started to talk to me and explain. But then he turned his back on me and left me against a cold wall.
I just wanted to cry.
I had suddenly been transformed in my mind into a small child, abandoned by the one they looked up to. But in my mind I know he probably had no intention of making it seem like that.
and herein lies the tragedy. The joys of having the most hateful, hurtful, violent and painful relationship as the first one you experience in life. Everything else becomes tainted with all these nightmares and fears. Doubts and Paranoia that you thought had gone forever, suddenly return with vengeance with just one little move.
It is something I have to get used to. It's a different matter when we're both angry at the same thing. But it's when he's more annoyed than I am, I think! I don't know, I'm not entirely sure why some things trigger it and others don't. Maybe it's because when Graham was violent and angry, I was fine and in a happy mood. Only to be shot down. Maybe it's that, that when I'm happy, I'm at my weakest, my defences are not up in my mind and it's like shooting an officer who hasn't got his bullet proof vest on because he's off duty and leading his normal life. Yes, now I think about it, it makes perfect sense.
Living with Graham put constant fear into my heart. And for some reason, as I listened to Evanescence, I felt stronger. And maybe that's why I love the band so much, they remind me of how strong I used to feel, how strong I can be, maybe thats why.
Now I remember.
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