Don't you find it strange how, when you have a good memory, you sometimes have trouble remembering it. Yet when something terrible happens, the smallest event can remind you of the hurt you felt. And yet again, we're not supposed to remember pain?
I find myself once again in a fight against my own mind and the memories of the past.
All he did was throw his phone across the room.
And yet somehow, just from that one event, in a flash through my mind I saw a fist coming at me. Obviously not his, but a memory replaying itself infront of my eyes. Since when did a phone represent a hand??!
But its the series of events and the actions that followed that haunt me.
When I first got with Shaun, every time he raised his arm to hug me, I flinched. That made him cry. It made me realise also just how badly Graham had affected me.
The first time Jonny got violent around me, it didn't matter so much as he went after others looking for a stress relief and somehow in my mind, it made me laugh as it wasn't me he was after.
When with Rob, he got mad at someone or something and again, threw his phone and slammed doors and I just hid under the duvet of the bed and felt like crying. My insides just began to shake and my nerves were all over the place. My supposed pillar of strength, had just crumbled to the sin of wrath. And that scared me.
And now it happens once again. He throws his phone in an angry rage across the room. Again, my pillar of hope, strength and love has succumb to Wrath and my entire body shivered, my heart sank and my mind wanted to withdraw into its own pit of silence and mumbles of fear. But I overcame it and I spoke to him, got him to talk to me about why. It started to work, he started to talk to me and explain. But then he turned his back on me and left me against a cold wall.
I just wanted to cry.
I had suddenly been transformed in my mind into a small child, abandoned by the one they looked up to. But in my mind I know he probably had no intention of making it seem like that.
and herein lies the tragedy. The joys of having the most hateful, hurtful, violent and painful relationship as the first one you experience in life. Everything else becomes tainted with all these nightmares and fears. Doubts and Paranoia that you thought had gone forever, suddenly return with vengeance with just one little move.
It is something I have to get used to. It's a different matter when we're both angry at the same thing. But it's when he's more annoyed than I am, I think! I don't know, I'm not entirely sure why some things trigger it and others don't. Maybe it's because when Graham was violent and angry, I was fine and in a happy mood. Only to be shot down. Maybe it's that, that when I'm happy, I'm at my weakest, my defences are not up in my mind and it's like shooting an officer who hasn't got his bullet proof vest on because he's off duty and leading his normal life. Yes, now I think about it, it makes perfect sense.
Living with Graham put constant fear into my heart. And for some reason, as I listened to Evanescence, I felt stronger. And maybe that's why I love the band so much, they remind me of how strong I used to feel, how strong I can be, maybe thats why.
Now I remember.
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