So here it is, my monthly post. Only two more days til Christmas. I've done all the christmas shopping I can do. Have bought gifts for my family and Megan with the little money I have. Have yet to buy more but they will have to wait til after Christmas.
Life has been ok with the exception of missing a job. Have had a tummy virus though for the past week or so and this is the 3rd time I've had it in the space of about 4 weeks. Hopefully I've gotten rid of it for good! Or at least until after Christmas. New Years is still a way off yet and I have no plans for it at the moment.
I still live with Jonny and everything I need is now upstairs where it was supposed to be from the start. The living room has been cleaned out and moved around to accomodate all the Christmas features and is still being cleaned.
Me in myself emotionally... is another story.
Mood swings are somewhat biting me in the ass and I'm getting incredibly fed up of them but I'm a woman and there's nothing I can do about it. Taking "happy pills" or anti depressants and such are for drastic measures and for people who can't handle how they feel or act. I like to think I can handle it but I know I'm just another slave to the uncontrolable emotions just as the next woman. Thus brings the downfall of life and all that it stands for.
Parents are getting better. They don't get hold of me so much to check up on me. I think they're getting used to the fact that I want to do things on my own, even if I did start off on the wrong foot and down the wrong path. I'm still getting there and there's still time to get back on track with things. Granted I have no job and have been putting all my Job Seekers allowance into paying off my debt. Which may I add, I'm getting there! I absolutely must get a job after New Years irrespective of what it is. I need the money for more than just debts but so I can do all the things I want to do. That does not just mean going out every night and drinking. Once in a while I would like to go out with friends on a day trip to theme park or Zoo or even down the river. Infact, one thing I'd like to save up for is a car! I miss driving more than I do having the ability to go where I want.
I guess I feel a little bit dull in myself. Not much variety in my day to day life which working at a nursery seemed to fulfill more than fully. I miss working with kids, the randomness they give and the unexpected activities of each day. However I haven't done the work I was supposed to and I can't do it either. Everytime I bloody try my head goes skitz and over thinks everything making it even more complicated for me. Not many people believe me to be able to do this but I do.
Me and Jonny are ok. Sometimes I don't understand his logic and I can't be bothered to go through the hassle of asking and him trying to explain it in supposedly simplistic terms. So simple that I still cannot understand. So I don't ask.
Other than that, there's not much here, whether it be in my head, my life or any part of me. Enjoy.
Sunday 23 December 2007
Tuesday 6 November 2007
Only Way Is Up
Well things have gotten better since my last post. I've been here for about 3 months now. Jonny and I have been together just over a year now. The gig was awesome! Especially Bloodhound Gang. Megan has come to see me a few times and in that time she's now going out with Jonny's mate Big Chris. They're such an awesome couple to hang out with! I love it! Megs is my wife now too! Hehe!
I still feel kinda useless sometimes. But I have a job interview on the 14th at the General hospital which, I am incredibly excited about! I'm thinking having this job will help me put myself right again. I'll feel more myself again be more... myself! I don't know, I guess I'll just feel better about myself mostly which is always a good thing! Everything else is fine! The only thing thats missing... is a job!
So, once I get this job, my life will be perfect! OH! And, I bought the necronomicon Tarot which is totally evil and dangerous! But I love it! Only used it twice, and I'm never using it again really!
Oh and hello to Jason, hope you get better and out of physio soon!
xXx
I still feel kinda useless sometimes. But I have a job interview on the 14th at the General hospital which, I am incredibly excited about! I'm thinking having this job will help me put myself right again. I'll feel more myself again be more... myself! I don't know, I guess I'll just feel better about myself mostly which is always a good thing! Everything else is fine! The only thing thats missing... is a job!
So, once I get this job, my life will be perfect! OH! And, I bought the necronomicon Tarot which is totally evil and dangerous! But I love it! Only used it twice, and I'm never using it again really!
Oh and hello to Jason, hope you get better and out of physio soon!
xXx
Tuesday 2 October 2007
Improvement
There is always something everyone could improve on. For me? It's to stop hiding things, its not lying so much, its just not telling. Lying would be if I covered it up with something else. But I don't. I just don't tell.
Why do I do it? Your guess is as good as mine. Ask me why I flinch every time someone raises their arm at me, now that I could answer. But I wont.
Usually I wont tell because I don't want to upset people, or I don't want to be shouted at (if its my parents). But whats the point. It always catches up with me anyway.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm just floating places. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I feel like I've always got to watch what I say or do, like I can't be myself anymore. I have to be "someone else".
Maybe its because things aren't so great at the moment. Maybe thats why I feel this way. Or maybe its because I feel like there's strings attached to everything. Like I'm tied down. I'm not much for horoscopes but I will agree that I hate being told what to do when it's my choice, aquarians like to be free. And we get aggrevated when kept down or in like a prison. Thats why I left home in the first place. Nothing was my choice anymore. Now I come here and I still have rules. I admit that I understand why and I'm willing to abide by them, I can tolerate nearly anything. No one has made me blow a fuse to such an extent that I go nuts. And sometimes thats annoying becuase I'll want to go nuts, but inside I just cannot find it in me to let it all go. I just sigh, and it all goes with that one breath. Who would've thought all the anger inside would just fly out with one sigh.
I'm sorry I'm just blabbing on now but I just need to talk. I haven't spoken to anyone properly today and I'm already feeling the pressure of having just the smallest things bottled up. Like I want to say something to Jonny, only a few words but I can't. I know he's still angry with me and I'm prepared to give him the time and space he needs to let him decide what he wants to do.
I'm too scared to do a tarot reading. Last time I did one, it told me a relationship would end. And it did, twice. I don't want to read that again. I already promised myself that if it happened a third time I would leave for good and never speak nor see him again. But I don't want to do that. Nor do I want to see it in the tarot. It's so accurate it scares me. And its the deck that was blessed and smudged just for my use. I'm not one for magic and wiccan or pagan magic but the tarot cards I put my faith in.
Anyway, I'm so lonely right now. And cold. And lost. I feel so disappointed in myself for not doing what I should have done a month ago. I feel I've let myself down, and him. I tried so hard to make things better and I thought keeping my mouth shut was the right thing to do. But it isn't. I feel like I should just go back to school and see if I'm any smarter than what I was 6 years ago. Probably not.
Why do I do it? Your guess is as good as mine. Ask me why I flinch every time someone raises their arm at me, now that I could answer. But I wont.
Usually I wont tell because I don't want to upset people, or I don't want to be shouted at (if its my parents). But whats the point. It always catches up with me anyway.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm just floating places. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I feel like I've always got to watch what I say or do, like I can't be myself anymore. I have to be "someone else".
Maybe its because things aren't so great at the moment. Maybe thats why I feel this way. Or maybe its because I feel like there's strings attached to everything. Like I'm tied down. I'm not much for horoscopes but I will agree that I hate being told what to do when it's my choice, aquarians like to be free. And we get aggrevated when kept down or in like a prison. Thats why I left home in the first place. Nothing was my choice anymore. Now I come here and I still have rules. I admit that I understand why and I'm willing to abide by them, I can tolerate nearly anything. No one has made me blow a fuse to such an extent that I go nuts. And sometimes thats annoying becuase I'll want to go nuts, but inside I just cannot find it in me to let it all go. I just sigh, and it all goes with that one breath. Who would've thought all the anger inside would just fly out with one sigh.
I'm sorry I'm just blabbing on now but I just need to talk. I haven't spoken to anyone properly today and I'm already feeling the pressure of having just the smallest things bottled up. Like I want to say something to Jonny, only a few words but I can't. I know he's still angry with me and I'm prepared to give him the time and space he needs to let him decide what he wants to do.
I'm too scared to do a tarot reading. Last time I did one, it told me a relationship would end. And it did, twice. I don't want to read that again. I already promised myself that if it happened a third time I would leave for good and never speak nor see him again. But I don't want to do that. Nor do I want to see it in the tarot. It's so accurate it scares me. And its the deck that was blessed and smudged just for my use. I'm not one for magic and wiccan or pagan magic but the tarot cards I put my faith in.
Anyway, I'm so lonely right now. And cold. And lost. I feel so disappointed in myself for not doing what I should have done a month ago. I feel I've let myself down, and him. I tried so hard to make things better and I thought keeping my mouth shut was the right thing to do. But it isn't. I feel like I should just go back to school and see if I'm any smarter than what I was 6 years ago. Probably not.
Friday 28 September 2007
A New Life
Well, it's been nearly a month since I moved in. I'm now signed up for Job Seekers Allowance as my plan to get a job within a few weeks didn't work.
After looking after my brother for a week, my parents took my car away. I wanted to leave it at home so I didn't have to pay £7 a day to park it over here and they said that if I kept it there, I'd have to sign it over to my dad. So I agreed. Why? Cos then he'd pay for the repairs, get the panel fixed and then do all the insides of it. I'll still have to pay him back when I want the car but by the time I have the money to do that, I'd also have enough money to take motorbike lessons and get myself a bike and insurance for it. So, which one? My car or a new bike?? I like the bike idea myself. Have always wanted one!
So a month in and we haven't torn each other apart. A good sign! I was quite worried he'd get fed up of me but he hasn't and I haven't got fed up of him! Yay!
Well I don't really have much to say. I've spent the past month pretty much sat on my butt due to there not being a lot to do. Despite bein in the middle of town, there's not much to do when you don't know many people. However, I do want a job! For the money and to kill time and to get New Rocks!! Wooooo!! I want New Rocks!!
Anywho, another update soon!!
After looking after my brother for a week, my parents took my car away. I wanted to leave it at home so I didn't have to pay £7 a day to park it over here and they said that if I kept it there, I'd have to sign it over to my dad. So I agreed. Why? Cos then he'd pay for the repairs, get the panel fixed and then do all the insides of it. I'll still have to pay him back when I want the car but by the time I have the money to do that, I'd also have enough money to take motorbike lessons and get myself a bike and insurance for it. So, which one? My car or a new bike?? I like the bike idea myself. Have always wanted one!
So a month in and we haven't torn each other apart. A good sign! I was quite worried he'd get fed up of me but he hasn't and I haven't got fed up of him! Yay!
Well I don't really have much to say. I've spent the past month pretty much sat on my butt due to there not being a lot to do. Despite bein in the middle of town, there's not much to do when you don't know many people. However, I do want a job! For the money and to kill time and to get New Rocks!! Wooooo!! I want New Rocks!!
Anywho, another update soon!!
Wednesday 5 September 2007
Settling In
It's been 5 days since I moved in with Jonny.
At first things were great. I although it has been a bit back and forth to home, didn't quite realise just how much crap I had in my room. Yesterday was my mums birthday and of course, I wanted to be there. But also I was going to see a show at the pavillion with Amber. I had no idea what time it started or finished, all I knew was that I had to pick Amber at 6. I got back at 11 and the reception I got off Jonny was not good. Turned out he didn't like the time I had got back. What am I, a child? I thought I moved out so that I didn't have to worry what time I got back and things like that. He said it doesn't set a good example. Example to who?! I didn't ask. I tried to get as much sense out of him but he just wanted to go to sleep. And now in the morning he's still in a mood with me. I went out to look for a job but everyones looking for xmas temp staff. I want to talk to him but he's attitude towards me is just so awkward and its like he doesn't even want me here anymore. When I came back from going out I went straight upstairs and laid in bed. He was downstairs on the computer and came up ten minutes later and laid next to me facing the other way. He didn't say anything. I just looked at him. But nothing said and he just laid there. I asked why he came up, he said it was cos he was cold and tired. Shame, there's me thinking he wanted to come up and see me and talk to me. I guess I'm too stupid to realise that.
Right now I'm down stairs, typing this and listening and singing to Shakira. It's been half an hour I'm on my own here. I trained with my sai's for a while to the music but I just don't feel right. I wanna talk to him but he makes it so awkward. He just doesn't respond to whatever I say and I don't know what I should or shouldn't do. I know I don't want to escalate it but some of the things I want to say I know will only make things worse. But how else can I tell him? I can't bottle it up forever just because of how he'll react. I don't want to throw this away. I don't want to jepordise it. But what else can I do?
I'm so lost. I don't know what to do! I know we should talk! I know thts why the arguements before were so bad because we didn't talk! I don't want that to happen again! Not when I know what we've got to do to avoid it! But how can I do it if he isn't interested?
I don't even understand why he's in the mood with me! I never told him I wouldn't go to the show, I only said I wouldn't if I didn't have my car back by then. And I didn't know what time I'd get back or anything!
Fuck sake, why is this even happening? And why do I feel like the only one whose fucking caring about this situation!!!! Yet if I talk to him, we won't seem to care and I just feel like I'm wasting my time.
Should I really be here?
Or should I be home?
I don't know.
At first things were great. I although it has been a bit back and forth to home, didn't quite realise just how much crap I had in my room. Yesterday was my mums birthday and of course, I wanted to be there. But also I was going to see a show at the pavillion with Amber. I had no idea what time it started or finished, all I knew was that I had to pick Amber at 6. I got back at 11 and the reception I got off Jonny was not good. Turned out he didn't like the time I had got back. What am I, a child? I thought I moved out so that I didn't have to worry what time I got back and things like that. He said it doesn't set a good example. Example to who?! I didn't ask. I tried to get as much sense out of him but he just wanted to go to sleep. And now in the morning he's still in a mood with me. I went out to look for a job but everyones looking for xmas temp staff. I want to talk to him but he's attitude towards me is just so awkward and its like he doesn't even want me here anymore. When I came back from going out I went straight upstairs and laid in bed. He was downstairs on the computer and came up ten minutes later and laid next to me facing the other way. He didn't say anything. I just looked at him. But nothing said and he just laid there. I asked why he came up, he said it was cos he was cold and tired. Shame, there's me thinking he wanted to come up and see me and talk to me. I guess I'm too stupid to realise that.
Right now I'm down stairs, typing this and listening and singing to Shakira. It's been half an hour I'm on my own here. I trained with my sai's for a while to the music but I just don't feel right. I wanna talk to him but he makes it so awkward. He just doesn't respond to whatever I say and I don't know what I should or shouldn't do. I know I don't want to escalate it but some of the things I want to say I know will only make things worse. But how else can I tell him? I can't bottle it up forever just because of how he'll react. I don't want to throw this away. I don't want to jepordise it. But what else can I do?
I'm so lost. I don't know what to do! I know we should talk! I know thts why the arguements before were so bad because we didn't talk! I don't want that to happen again! Not when I know what we've got to do to avoid it! But how can I do it if he isn't interested?
I don't even understand why he's in the mood with me! I never told him I wouldn't go to the show, I only said I wouldn't if I didn't have my car back by then. And I didn't know what time I'd get back or anything!
Fuck sake, why is this even happening? And why do I feel like the only one whose fucking caring about this situation!!!! Yet if I talk to him, we won't seem to care and I just feel like I'm wasting my time.
Should I really be here?
Or should I be home?
I don't know.
Monday 13 August 2007
Weekend
This weekend was awesome! Not in the way that I did something totally extreme, but in the fact that it was fun and something I needed!
Spent the weekend at Jonny's. Went to the beach Saturday afternoon with Tom, I went swimming and those two chilled out on the beach. I stayed round his that night. Sunday we were meant to be going to the cinema to watch Rush hour 3 but he cancelled it because he wanted to spend time with me! We played Black and White all morning which was funny and then we basically kissed and cuddled all afternoon. He noticed how much I was loving the attention and now knows how to really make me happy! We talked about loads of things, we even discussed what we would do next Valentines day! At the moment he's trying to get out of me what I'm getting him for his birthday, I have no idea!! AHA!
Well I have to go now, need to wash and vacuum out my car!
Spent the weekend at Jonny's. Went to the beach Saturday afternoon with Tom, I went swimming and those two chilled out on the beach. I stayed round his that night. Sunday we were meant to be going to the cinema to watch Rush hour 3 but he cancelled it because he wanted to spend time with me! We played Black and White all morning which was funny and then we basically kissed and cuddled all afternoon. He noticed how much I was loving the attention and now knows how to really make me happy! We talked about loads of things, we even discussed what we would do next Valentines day! At the moment he's trying to get out of me what I'm getting him for his birthday, I have no idea!! AHA!
Well I have to go now, need to wash and vacuum out my car!
Monday 30 July 2007
How I Got My Hair Done!
Firstly, Jess sectioned my hair to begin cutting it! Boy isn't it long!
Hooray it's cut! By the way my friend Jess is my hairdresser!
Wow thats alot gone!
Look it's my own lil hairball!
On goes the bleach! It did burn at first. The back of my head is still a little sore!
It's gone blonde!
Me, jus out the bath after washing it off!
Me, jus out the bath after washing it off!
Jess dries it
Then sections it
Now on goes the red!
Keep going Jess
Keep going Jess
Add some foil so I don't mix the red and black, I look like a spaceman!
This is after all the black and red has been washed out!
Some last minute layering
Now to cut the black so it's shorter than the red
And it's done!
Can't see just how bright the red is though. But it is VERY bright!
Saturday 21 July 2007
9 Months - What A Feeling
Well I never thought it would happen.
24 hours after dumping me, Jonny wants me back. We were texting each other with general conversation as though we were friends and it was fine! I was quite enjoying it! I was glad that it wasn't akward between us. Then after saying good nite, i left one kiss on the end of the text and so did he, i then text back saying it was weird not sending 3 as i was so used to it. I then fell asleep. He however, txt back saying "XXX :)" and then 3 minutes later, text me begging for me to take him back and that he wasn't thinking and can't live without me. I woke up 2 minutes after and checked my phone and woke up pretty quick with excitement! He wants me back! Personally I thought it was all gonna blow up at the gig by me kissing him! But instead of showing him how excited I was, I played a little hard to get. Asked him why I should come back to him after he tore my heart up the night before. He told me that he was a fuckin fool for lettin me go, that he wasn't whole without me and had realised just how much he missed me and needs me, he'd been crying since he sent the kisses and wanted one more chance. I sent back saying I'd give him one more chance if he could prove to me tomoro that he means what he said.
And he did. We talked and talked about everything! Things we liked and didn't like. Things that annoyed us, things that we wanted more of. All day we were close, kissing and cuddling, talking and laughing. So I agreed to take him back.
I know I said I was doing well without him as a boyfriend and just as a friend, but truth is I love him and the only reason I didn't feel a loss is cos he was still in my life and still my friend. If I'd lost all contact with him and wouldn't see him again, then I'd probably be a mess!
So a happy ending after all! Maybe this was really meant to be.
24 hours after dumping me, Jonny wants me back. We were texting each other with general conversation as though we were friends and it was fine! I was quite enjoying it! I was glad that it wasn't akward between us. Then after saying good nite, i left one kiss on the end of the text and so did he, i then text back saying it was weird not sending 3 as i was so used to it. I then fell asleep. He however, txt back saying "XXX :)" and then 3 minutes later, text me begging for me to take him back and that he wasn't thinking and can't live without me. I woke up 2 minutes after and checked my phone and woke up pretty quick with excitement! He wants me back! Personally I thought it was all gonna blow up at the gig by me kissing him! But instead of showing him how excited I was, I played a little hard to get. Asked him why I should come back to him after he tore my heart up the night before. He told me that he was a fuckin fool for lettin me go, that he wasn't whole without me and had realised just how much he missed me and needs me, he'd been crying since he sent the kisses and wanted one more chance. I sent back saying I'd give him one more chance if he could prove to me tomoro that he means what he said.
And he did. We talked and talked about everything! Things we liked and didn't like. Things that annoyed us, things that we wanted more of. All day we were close, kissing and cuddling, talking and laughing. So I agreed to take him back.
I know I said I was doing well without him as a boyfriend and just as a friend, but truth is I love him and the only reason I didn't feel a loss is cos he was still in my life and still my friend. If I'd lost all contact with him and wouldn't see him again, then I'd probably be a mess!
So a happy ending after all! Maybe this was really meant to be.
Thursday 19 July 2007
Here's To The Newly Weds
First off, congratulations to Carl and Aimee for their wedding on Saturday. Hope it all goes well!
Well, now onto my sorrowful lot.
Last night Jonny went to the dungeon, then dumped me when he got home. The reason? Because I told his best mate about something he'd done while drunk. Um, for the sake of the blog, say its nearly as embarrassin as wetting the bed. Now maybe understand how he feels and why he was angry about it. But I didn't tell anyone else!
I don't know how he'll be when he wakes up sober. Whether he'll remember or not. He probably will. But maybe he wont be so angry this time. We were supposed to decide on Saturday whether we were gonna stay and work it out or not. Guess he's already decided. But we're supposed to be going to a gig next week. Dunno if we're still friends or not. Anyway, at first I cried, felt sick, then eventually fell asleep and after half hour sleep before my alarm went off, I feel fine. Like I'm not bothered by it anymore. So long as we're friends I guess it never will bother me. The tarot cards told me this would happen. Twice they told me and the second time it was the next thing to happen! So I guess soon as it told me, I started preparing myself for it. I just wasn't prepared for the reason why!
Later that day....
He does still mean what he said. So thats it. It's officially over. I've only cried once so far. Nearly cried at work but managed to keep my head high. It doesn't seem to bother me that much. I can now be myself without having to worry what he's going to think and whether he's going to dump me for it. We're still friends and we're still going to the gig next week and cinema. I feel better with him as a friend than a boyfriend. I have no commitment to him therefore have no strings attached to what ever I now do. I can cut my hair again, re-dye it and get my other tattoo! I am not regretting the first one, I'm still glad I got it done even if he didn't like it. Now I can go down the dungeon, get pissed off my face and not give a shit whether I'm embarrassing him or not. If he doesn't like it, he can fuck off. I guess he was starving me of my freedom which is what I want most. And I'm no longer jealous of him. I have nothing to be jealous of. He still has no job, where as I now have everything I need. Freedom and my independence.
As my Godfather said, a pretty lass like you will have no problems finding a REAL man! just enjoy life, have fun and he will come to you!
And you know what? Thats exactly what I'm going to do!
Well, now onto my sorrowful lot.
Last night Jonny went to the dungeon, then dumped me when he got home. The reason? Because I told his best mate about something he'd done while drunk. Um, for the sake of the blog, say its nearly as embarrassin as wetting the bed. Now maybe understand how he feels and why he was angry about it. But I didn't tell anyone else!
I don't know how he'll be when he wakes up sober. Whether he'll remember or not. He probably will. But maybe he wont be so angry this time. We were supposed to decide on Saturday whether we were gonna stay and work it out or not. Guess he's already decided. But we're supposed to be going to a gig next week. Dunno if we're still friends or not. Anyway, at first I cried, felt sick, then eventually fell asleep and after half hour sleep before my alarm went off, I feel fine. Like I'm not bothered by it anymore. So long as we're friends I guess it never will bother me. The tarot cards told me this would happen. Twice they told me and the second time it was the next thing to happen! So I guess soon as it told me, I started preparing myself for it. I just wasn't prepared for the reason why!
Later that day....
He does still mean what he said. So thats it. It's officially over. I've only cried once so far. Nearly cried at work but managed to keep my head high. It doesn't seem to bother me that much. I can now be myself without having to worry what he's going to think and whether he's going to dump me for it. We're still friends and we're still going to the gig next week and cinema. I feel better with him as a friend than a boyfriend. I have no commitment to him therefore have no strings attached to what ever I now do. I can cut my hair again, re-dye it and get my other tattoo! I am not regretting the first one, I'm still glad I got it done even if he didn't like it. Now I can go down the dungeon, get pissed off my face and not give a shit whether I'm embarrassing him or not. If he doesn't like it, he can fuck off. I guess he was starving me of my freedom which is what I want most. And I'm no longer jealous of him. I have nothing to be jealous of. He still has no job, where as I now have everything I need. Freedom and my independence.
As my Godfather said, a pretty lass like you will have no problems finding a REAL man! just enjoy life, have fun and he will come to you!
And you know what? Thats exactly what I'm going to do!
Tuesday 17 July 2007
Too Much To Say
Alot has happened over the past few weeks, Jonny and I may not be a couple by the end of this month, I may not complete my course, I may just lose all my sanity and go completely rogue! Killing spree anyone?
Ok with Jonny, went to the dungeon, everything was going well! We were all happy and chatting away. But then Jonny and I had a heart to heart and turns out he was having doubts about us. I was too. He asked me if we could still be friends if we split up. I said I'd try but I wouldn't see him or talk to him much. He then asked what if he found someone else. I said I'd have to block him out my life completely because seeing him with another girl would just break me into pieces. He said he still loves me, but just doesn't know if this will work. When we got home that night, he was crying at the thought of losing me but knew there was no point trying if it wasn't going to work. I understood that. But we talked and talked for hours and the fact that we had opened up was a big step in the right direction. The reason we were snappin at each other before was because we'd stopped talking. Now we'd started again, things were looking better. For the past two weeks we've been normal, had no arguements, gone out with friends, talked more openly. It's our 9 months on Saturday. We're going to a gig next wednesday and seeing The simpsons movie the next day. I just want him to realise that us to talk is all we need to make it work.
As for college. Been told I have til end of july. I've handed no units in. I just don't have the determination to do it anymore. I'm ashamed in myself for feeling this way but I can't help it and I can't seem to find a reason to do it anymore. My performance criteria is only half way done and I need another 3 assessments at least before I'll have completed it. But there's no way thats going to happen before the end of july. I guess thats why I don't want to do it anymore, because no matter if i do all the written work, I'll have failed because the performance isn't complete.
And truth is Carl, the reason I haven't been round is because I've been stuck at home, trying to find the determination to do my work. I refuse to stop looking for it but I've had no luck in finding it. I just wanna stay home and do my work! But I just can't. I think maybe I need to come round, chat with you, seeing as you've done the course already! Maybe you could help. But I'm so lost and so hopeless.
ON A GOOD NOTE!! *yes there is one* I called Courtney in Canada on Sunday night! She wasn't expecting me and didn't even know I had her number! Her dad answered, went to get her, came back asking who I was again because Courtney said SHE DIDNT KNOW ANYONE BY THE NAME OF KAYE!!!! you plonker. I spelt it out to her dad and he said it out loud and when Courtney heard the spelling THEN SHE REALISED WHO IT WAS!!! while all that time I thought I had the wrong number!! :D Spent bout half hour chatting away, our conversation was highly random, ranging from frozen monkeys that would participate in future experiments in about 2 million years from now, to cotton patterns in the cotton fields of alabama cos thats where anything comes from if you don't know the name of the real country! OH! And that an American show had to subtitle it when an English person spoke! CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN FCKING LANGUAGE?!?!?!? Retards. AHA!
Anywho, I'm off to work. Am working on the baby rooms display which is officially "my display" because I'm the only person doing anything with it! I love my job. Just gotta see how long it lasts now.
Ok with Jonny, went to the dungeon, everything was going well! We were all happy and chatting away. But then Jonny and I had a heart to heart and turns out he was having doubts about us. I was too. He asked me if we could still be friends if we split up. I said I'd try but I wouldn't see him or talk to him much. He then asked what if he found someone else. I said I'd have to block him out my life completely because seeing him with another girl would just break me into pieces. He said he still loves me, but just doesn't know if this will work. When we got home that night, he was crying at the thought of losing me but knew there was no point trying if it wasn't going to work. I understood that. But we talked and talked for hours and the fact that we had opened up was a big step in the right direction. The reason we were snappin at each other before was because we'd stopped talking. Now we'd started again, things were looking better. For the past two weeks we've been normal, had no arguements, gone out with friends, talked more openly. It's our 9 months on Saturday. We're going to a gig next wednesday and seeing The simpsons movie the next day. I just want him to realise that us to talk is all we need to make it work.
As for college. Been told I have til end of july. I've handed no units in. I just don't have the determination to do it anymore. I'm ashamed in myself for feeling this way but I can't help it and I can't seem to find a reason to do it anymore. My performance criteria is only half way done and I need another 3 assessments at least before I'll have completed it. But there's no way thats going to happen before the end of july. I guess thats why I don't want to do it anymore, because no matter if i do all the written work, I'll have failed because the performance isn't complete.
And truth is Carl, the reason I haven't been round is because I've been stuck at home, trying to find the determination to do my work. I refuse to stop looking for it but I've had no luck in finding it. I just wanna stay home and do my work! But I just can't. I think maybe I need to come round, chat with you, seeing as you've done the course already! Maybe you could help. But I'm so lost and so hopeless.
ON A GOOD NOTE!! *yes there is one* I called Courtney in Canada on Sunday night! She wasn't expecting me and didn't even know I had her number! Her dad answered, went to get her, came back asking who I was again because Courtney said SHE DIDNT KNOW ANYONE BY THE NAME OF KAYE!!!! you plonker. I spelt it out to her dad and he said it out loud and when Courtney heard the spelling THEN SHE REALISED WHO IT WAS!!! while all that time I thought I had the wrong number!! :D Spent bout half hour chatting away, our conversation was highly random, ranging from frozen monkeys that would participate in future experiments in about 2 million years from now, to cotton patterns in the cotton fields of alabama cos thats where anything comes from if you don't know the name of the real country! OH! And that an American show had to subtitle it when an English person spoke! CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN FCKING LANGUAGE?!?!?!? Retards. AHA!
Anywho, I'm off to work. Am working on the baby rooms display which is officially "my display" because I'm the only person doing anything with it! I love my job. Just gotta see how long it lasts now.
Tuesday 3 July 2007
Trouble In The Soul
How much longer til I can stand up for myself??
I look back at my life and realise that at any conflict with those I love, I back down and become blind to my own beliefs just to keep someone else happy. I've never stood up for my own feelings. I've never spoken my mind so people listen. Sure, I write it here, but why? Because I can't tell them.
I can't go on like this. I'm going to end up drowning in my own silence. I'm doing everything for everyone in order to keep them happy even though its making me miserable. I'm so unhappy but I can't do what I want because no one likes it. My boyfriend doesn't like me getting drunk because I embarrass him by acting like a big kid. I work with children! What more can you expect? I have to be if I'm going to be any good at my job! He calls it being immature, I call it being drunk. My parents don't want me going out. They don't even want me in Southampton, but I don't like Bournemouth. And most of my friends are in Southampton. They dont mind my brother going out, graffitying all over new milton and coming home the next day. Rules for him and me have always been different just because I'm a girl. Apparently I can't look after myself if I get attacked.
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I TAKE MARTIAL ARTS FOR 8 YEARS??!?!?!? NOT FOR THE HELL OF IT THATS FOR SURE!!!
There are only two reasons why I did martial arts. 1. I was good at it and enjoyed it. 2. So I could protect myself if threatened!
AND I DID!
Even if I was drunk at the time, I still managed to defend myself! I still managed to look after myself! Fuck anyone who says I cant.
My parents never have anything good to say about me. Some support would be nice every now and then. But they never do. The boyfriend never gives me any support either. Constantly calling me stupid. Pointing out something wrong. Saying I'm a retard just because I make a silly mistake sometimes. Beating me at games just so he feels better and I feel like a failure. Showing how much better he is than me at things. I'd like to see him do my job. Says anyone can do it. Says it not much of a job.
SO WHY AINT HE GOT ONE?!?!? IF ITS SO FUCKING EASY WHY DONT HE DO IT!!!!!
I'm fed up of... of. ... EVERYTHING!!!!
My work is about the only good thing in my life.
FUCK YOU ALL!!!! I'LL DO IT MY FUCKING WAY!!! DONT LIKE IT???? TOUGH FUCKING SHIT!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!
I look back at my life and realise that at any conflict with those I love, I back down and become blind to my own beliefs just to keep someone else happy. I've never stood up for my own feelings. I've never spoken my mind so people listen. Sure, I write it here, but why? Because I can't tell them.
I can't go on like this. I'm going to end up drowning in my own silence. I'm doing everything for everyone in order to keep them happy even though its making me miserable. I'm so unhappy but I can't do what I want because no one likes it. My boyfriend doesn't like me getting drunk because I embarrass him by acting like a big kid. I work with children! What more can you expect? I have to be if I'm going to be any good at my job! He calls it being immature, I call it being drunk. My parents don't want me going out. They don't even want me in Southampton, but I don't like Bournemouth. And most of my friends are in Southampton. They dont mind my brother going out, graffitying all over new milton and coming home the next day. Rules for him and me have always been different just because I'm a girl. Apparently I can't look after myself if I get attacked.
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I TAKE MARTIAL ARTS FOR 8 YEARS??!?!?!? NOT FOR THE HELL OF IT THATS FOR SURE!!!
There are only two reasons why I did martial arts. 1. I was good at it and enjoyed it. 2. So I could protect myself if threatened!
AND I DID!
Even if I was drunk at the time, I still managed to defend myself! I still managed to look after myself! Fuck anyone who says I cant.
My parents never have anything good to say about me. Some support would be nice every now and then. But they never do. The boyfriend never gives me any support either. Constantly calling me stupid. Pointing out something wrong. Saying I'm a retard just because I make a silly mistake sometimes. Beating me at games just so he feels better and I feel like a failure. Showing how much better he is than me at things. I'd like to see him do my job. Says anyone can do it. Says it not much of a job.
SO WHY AINT HE GOT ONE?!?!? IF ITS SO FUCKING EASY WHY DONT HE DO IT!!!!!
I'm fed up of... of. ... EVERYTHING!!!!
My work is about the only good thing in my life.
FUCK YOU ALL!!!! I'LL DO IT MY FUCKING WAY!!! DONT LIKE IT???? TOUGH FUCKING SHIT!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!
Sunday 3 June 2007
My Happy Ending
Well, things went from bad to worse. Then from worse to better!
Friday night, Jonny told me we were on a break. We were not to txt or talk to each other for two weeks, we'd still be together so we weren't breaking up or anything but he just wanted his space. I respected that, so I said I'd do it.
I still had to go to Southampton saturday morning to have touch ups on my tattoo. My friend Stef who was meant to come with me, didn't show up. So Zoe came with me instead! The touch ups fucking killed by the way!!!
Anyway, I spent the day with Zoe, she called her mates to come down and I called Brett cos he was the closest one and he was coming into town anyway at some point! We all hung out during tht morning until midday when zoe popped home for a while. When she came back, she had a new set of clothes on and pulled out a bottle of rum from her bag. She started drinking it and I warned her to be careful. Her and this guy Alan started running round the park with it, sharing it between them. Alan was very drunk after just a quarter of the bottle and I was worried about Zoe who was still chugging most of it down. We all told her "thats enough zoe!" but she kept going and ran from anyone who tried to steal it. Once the bottle was finished, Zoe was heavily drunk. She's only 13 btw. Her and Alan decided to walk round Bargate drunk and we all followed to make sure they would be ok. By 2 o clock, we'd lost Zoe and Alan but found Zoe back in the park, passed out. We all sat with her. Half hour passed and we tried waking her up. She wouldn't come to so we got a glass of water. Two passers by stopped to help cos they were military paramedics! Zoe ended up throwing up, everyone but this one guy and myself stayed with her. Brett kept his distance and let me get on with it. We moved her away from it but she still wasn't coming too, even after someone poured the water over her face. We got help from the nearby festival and first aiders came. They immediately called an Ambulance. by the time the paramedics ambulance came, it had been 45 minutes since they were called. Zoe had now been out for over an hour. I was worried sick. Her best mate Yasmin was also with me and was giving the paramedics all the information that I didn't have. Zoe managed to get a couple of words out but kept coming in and out of consciousness. She told the paramedics she'd taken speed that morning which I said couldn't be true, for not only does she not do it but she came straight to me when she woke up and she wasn't dazed or wired or anything un natural. I kept in contact with her step dad and mum letting them know what was happening. But when they came over, her step dad shouted at everyone, blaming them for this saying that we hadn't stopped her. At this point I burst into tears and Brett came and cuddled me. People came over and told me its not my fault but I knew it was. I was the oldest one there and I didn' do better to stop her. I explained to one woman what we did and that we all tried to stop her. She then explained it to the parents. Zoe had now been out for 2 hours when the transporting ambulance arrived. By this time, she was a little more conscious than before and they managed to lift her up and drag her to the ambulance. After she left, I was in pieces. Brett was holding onto me while I cried. He was doing what a good mate would do! Little did I know that Jonny had seen me in Bretts arms. Brett and I started walking off, I wanted to be alone now and I told him to go home. He didn't want to but he did it for me.
Just as I left him, I got a text from Jonny saying "It doesn't take you fucking long does it!". At this point I didn't understand. I thought he was on about me texting Tom telling them about Zoe. But it wasn't. He txt me saying he saw me in the arms of another bloke. I txt back saying that he was a friend and was just comforting me after what had happened to Zoe because I was really upset about it. He didn't believe me and demanded reasons y he shouldn't just end it now. I txt back saying I loved him, that I'd do anything for him etc (to spare you the details) and that I'd never cheat on him. He sent a txt bk sayin to just fuck off and that was it, I thought it was over. I ran to "the walls" where we used to hang out and I sat there crying. for about 5 minutes I was there and then decided to go to Jonnys. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I then called again thinking I could leave a message on his answer phone but it rung through. He still hung up on me. I tried again and this time he picked up but I hadn't realised. He hung up then so I tried again and when he answered I explained everything. But he was being sarcastic to everything. At the end he said "you know what? I just don't fucking care anymore!" and with that he hung up. By now I was outside his place round the back and I just collapsed under a tree and burst into tears again. I sent him another text asking for another chance, that I could learn an be better, that I'd be his slave just as long as it meant I was his. I was sat there for 20 minutes. Passers by asked me what was wrong but I just said I was ok. Kinda hard to believe when there's tears streaming down my face like a river.
While I sat there, my head was telling me to just tell him it was over. To just move on and go on without him. But my heart didn't want to let go, my heart old me to hold onto him and not give up. To keep trying to get him back. And I listened to my heart. Cos inside me, I didn't wanna let go either and wanted to work things out.
I then got a txt from him saying "if you want to talk, come to the walls" an I txt back saying I'd be there. I ran from his place to the walls, or tried to anyway and when I got there I saw him standing and looking out onto Mayflower park and the port. He saw me and came down to me. I just wanted to run into his arms but I knew that he'd push me away. So I just stood there looking into his eyes. I then explained everything. And he told me why he was upset with me. We talked and talked, it turned out that he hadn't broken up with me in the first place but it felt like it to me. We both told each other what we didn't like and how we could sort it out. I have to stop being such a drama queen, sometimes I get upset or bitchy about even the smallest things and then telling Tom about it! He has to start going out more with me like into town and now that he has I.D, to get a job too. After our long talk, we hugged and then walked round to Tom, charlie and his new gf Rachel. We walked holdin hands and they were pleased to see we'd working things out. We all hung out for a bit then they left leaving me and Jonny alone. We chatted some more and then decided to go get some food. We took 3 paces then Jonny swung me into his arms saying "I've just realised" and he kissed me! then he said "I hadn't got a kiss yet" and I couldn't help but smile. I was happy again! We'd worked things out! We got kfc and he was cuddling me while we ordered and stuff, saw Gay Dave! Which was funny (he's not actually gay btw). We ate outside, which was nice cos it was a lovely day and I didnt really want to go in yet. Then as it got colder we went back to his where I got a cuddle and a kiss and everything else. He even apologised for everything which I nearly cried about cos it was just so heart felt! But I said, it doesn't matter now, we worked things out and we're back in each others arms, thats all that matters.
So we had our first big arguement. I said to him that all healthy relationships have arguements once in a while. And Jonny asked if we could make them less often! :D
So there's my happy ending. After that, I think we both realised that it could've been worse. But we got through it. And it pays to talk to each other if something is wrong! And I have to stop saying "nothing" if he asks me, cos he's not asking whats wrong, he's asking wots up, and I just say "I'm happy, thats all". Obviously won't say it if I'm not! Lol! But when I look at him like that and he asks, thats all thats going through my head!
I'm happy!
Friday night, Jonny told me we were on a break. We were not to txt or talk to each other for two weeks, we'd still be together so we weren't breaking up or anything but he just wanted his space. I respected that, so I said I'd do it.
I still had to go to Southampton saturday morning to have touch ups on my tattoo. My friend Stef who was meant to come with me, didn't show up. So Zoe came with me instead! The touch ups fucking killed by the way!!!
Anyway, I spent the day with Zoe, she called her mates to come down and I called Brett cos he was the closest one and he was coming into town anyway at some point! We all hung out during tht morning until midday when zoe popped home for a while. When she came back, she had a new set of clothes on and pulled out a bottle of rum from her bag. She started drinking it and I warned her to be careful. Her and this guy Alan started running round the park with it, sharing it between them. Alan was very drunk after just a quarter of the bottle and I was worried about Zoe who was still chugging most of it down. We all told her "thats enough zoe!" but she kept going and ran from anyone who tried to steal it. Once the bottle was finished, Zoe was heavily drunk. She's only 13 btw. Her and Alan decided to walk round Bargate drunk and we all followed to make sure they would be ok. By 2 o clock, we'd lost Zoe and Alan but found Zoe back in the park, passed out. We all sat with her. Half hour passed and we tried waking her up. She wouldn't come to so we got a glass of water. Two passers by stopped to help cos they were military paramedics! Zoe ended up throwing up, everyone but this one guy and myself stayed with her. Brett kept his distance and let me get on with it. We moved her away from it but she still wasn't coming too, even after someone poured the water over her face. We got help from the nearby festival and first aiders came. They immediately called an Ambulance. by the time the paramedics ambulance came, it had been 45 minutes since they were called. Zoe had now been out for over an hour. I was worried sick. Her best mate Yasmin was also with me and was giving the paramedics all the information that I didn't have. Zoe managed to get a couple of words out but kept coming in and out of consciousness. She told the paramedics she'd taken speed that morning which I said couldn't be true, for not only does she not do it but she came straight to me when she woke up and she wasn't dazed or wired or anything un natural. I kept in contact with her step dad and mum letting them know what was happening. But when they came over, her step dad shouted at everyone, blaming them for this saying that we hadn't stopped her. At this point I burst into tears and Brett came and cuddled me. People came over and told me its not my fault but I knew it was. I was the oldest one there and I didn' do better to stop her. I explained to one woman what we did and that we all tried to stop her. She then explained it to the parents. Zoe had now been out for 2 hours when the transporting ambulance arrived. By this time, she was a little more conscious than before and they managed to lift her up and drag her to the ambulance. After she left, I was in pieces. Brett was holding onto me while I cried. He was doing what a good mate would do! Little did I know that Jonny had seen me in Bretts arms. Brett and I started walking off, I wanted to be alone now and I told him to go home. He didn't want to but he did it for me.
Just as I left him, I got a text from Jonny saying "It doesn't take you fucking long does it!". At this point I didn't understand. I thought he was on about me texting Tom telling them about Zoe. But it wasn't. He txt me saying he saw me in the arms of another bloke. I txt back saying that he was a friend and was just comforting me after what had happened to Zoe because I was really upset about it. He didn't believe me and demanded reasons y he shouldn't just end it now. I txt back saying I loved him, that I'd do anything for him etc (to spare you the details) and that I'd never cheat on him. He sent a txt bk sayin to just fuck off and that was it, I thought it was over. I ran to "the walls" where we used to hang out and I sat there crying. for about 5 minutes I was there and then decided to go to Jonnys. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I then called again thinking I could leave a message on his answer phone but it rung through. He still hung up on me. I tried again and this time he picked up but I hadn't realised. He hung up then so I tried again and when he answered I explained everything. But he was being sarcastic to everything. At the end he said "you know what? I just don't fucking care anymore!" and with that he hung up. By now I was outside his place round the back and I just collapsed under a tree and burst into tears again. I sent him another text asking for another chance, that I could learn an be better, that I'd be his slave just as long as it meant I was his. I was sat there for 20 minutes. Passers by asked me what was wrong but I just said I was ok. Kinda hard to believe when there's tears streaming down my face like a river.
While I sat there, my head was telling me to just tell him it was over. To just move on and go on without him. But my heart didn't want to let go, my heart old me to hold onto him and not give up. To keep trying to get him back. And I listened to my heart. Cos inside me, I didn't wanna let go either and wanted to work things out.
I then got a txt from him saying "if you want to talk, come to the walls" an I txt back saying I'd be there. I ran from his place to the walls, or tried to anyway and when I got there I saw him standing and looking out onto Mayflower park and the port. He saw me and came down to me. I just wanted to run into his arms but I knew that he'd push me away. So I just stood there looking into his eyes. I then explained everything. And he told me why he was upset with me. We talked and talked, it turned out that he hadn't broken up with me in the first place but it felt like it to me. We both told each other what we didn't like and how we could sort it out. I have to stop being such a drama queen, sometimes I get upset or bitchy about even the smallest things and then telling Tom about it! He has to start going out more with me like into town and now that he has I.D, to get a job too. After our long talk, we hugged and then walked round to Tom, charlie and his new gf Rachel. We walked holdin hands and they were pleased to see we'd working things out. We all hung out for a bit then they left leaving me and Jonny alone. We chatted some more and then decided to go get some food. We took 3 paces then Jonny swung me into his arms saying "I've just realised" and he kissed me! then he said "I hadn't got a kiss yet" and I couldn't help but smile. I was happy again! We'd worked things out! We got kfc and he was cuddling me while we ordered and stuff, saw Gay Dave! Which was funny (he's not actually gay btw). We ate outside, which was nice cos it was a lovely day and I didnt really want to go in yet. Then as it got colder we went back to his where I got a cuddle and a kiss and everything else. He even apologised for everything which I nearly cried about cos it was just so heart felt! But I said, it doesn't matter now, we worked things out and we're back in each others arms, thats all that matters.
So we had our first big arguement. I said to him that all healthy relationships have arguements once in a while. And Jonny asked if we could make them less often! :D
So there's my happy ending. After that, I think we both realised that it could've been worse. But we got through it. And it pays to talk to each other if something is wrong! And I have to stop saying "nothing" if he asks me, cos he's not asking whats wrong, he's asking wots up, and I just say "I'm happy, thats all". Obviously won't say it if I'm not! Lol! But when I look at him like that and he asks, thats all thats going through my head!
I'm happy!
Friday 1 June 2007
Played for a fool
I feel I have jus lost the one true love of my life.
I thought I could talk to him. I thought he would tell me the truth. I thought he would tell me where I was going wrong. Instead, he lied to me, told me what I "wanted" to hear, lead me into a false sense of security. Made me believe I was right when I wasn't. I didn't want to hear lies, I wanted to hear the truth! I wanted to be told I was jus being silly! I wanted to be told I had nothing to be worried about! All I did was care and love him, he even told me to dump him! I argued saying I didn't want to, I couldn't bare losing him! And I still can't. But now it looks like I have.
I don't want to lose him. I'd jump if he gave up on me. I'd feel so lost and without a purpose, i'd have no more to live for. I can see it already, sitting at the walls, looking down and recollecting every happy memory I have, just to jump with a smile.
I'm hanging on a thread for him. I don't want to be dropped from him. My gut is wrenched up from being so nervous and worried about his response, my heart is banging into walls, expecting the worst, my head is running it all through tryin to find a way out, but it can't. I am so angry with myself for being so stupid.
I love you Jonny, always will. Just hope we can bring it back.
I thought I could talk to him. I thought he would tell me the truth. I thought he would tell me where I was going wrong. Instead, he lied to me, told me what I "wanted" to hear, lead me into a false sense of security. Made me believe I was right when I wasn't. I didn't want to hear lies, I wanted to hear the truth! I wanted to be told I was jus being silly! I wanted to be told I had nothing to be worried about! All I did was care and love him, he even told me to dump him! I argued saying I didn't want to, I couldn't bare losing him! And I still can't. But now it looks like I have.
I don't want to lose him. I'd jump if he gave up on me. I'd feel so lost and without a purpose, i'd have no more to live for. I can see it already, sitting at the walls, looking down and recollecting every happy memory I have, just to jump with a smile.
I'm hanging on a thread for him. I don't want to be dropped from him. My gut is wrenched up from being so nervous and worried about his response, my heart is banging into walls, expecting the worst, my head is running it all through tryin to find a way out, but it can't. I am so angry with myself for being so stupid.
I love you Jonny, always will. Just hope we can bring it back.
Wednesday 23 May 2007
Put Your Faith In God
For You Have No Faith In Yourself;;
Well, things are better. I did manage to talk to Jonny about what was wrong, however I also spoke to his best mate and what he's told him compared to what he's told me are two completely seperate reasons. Both however are valid, it just shows me that Jonny won't tell me everything thats on his mind!
At least he spoke to me. At least he opened up to me.
P.s I'm so sorry Brett. You're a good friend to me, I would like to keep you by my side, if you'd let me? But Jonny is always gonna be the one that holds my hand as I walk. I cannot replace him.
Life is hell.
Well, things are better. I did manage to talk to Jonny about what was wrong, however I also spoke to his best mate and what he's told him compared to what he's told me are two completely seperate reasons. Both however are valid, it just shows me that Jonny won't tell me everything thats on his mind!
At least he spoke to me. At least he opened up to me.
P.s I'm so sorry Brett. You're a good friend to me, I would like to keep you by my side, if you'd let me? But Jonny is always gonna be the one that holds my hand as I walk. I cannot replace him.
Life is hell.
Sunday 20 May 2007
Lost
I am so lost, I don't know what to do at all.
I've done something wrong to Jonny but he won't tell me what I've done. I don't know what I've done to upset him but he "can't be bothered to explain". I wonder if he can even be bothered with me anymore! I don't want to lose him, I do love him but I just don't know how long I can tolerate his pride and ignorance. He tells me to tell him when something is bugging me and I do! But he won't do the same for me. It's like this relationship works only one way but it doesn't! A relationship is supposed to work two ways and I can't do this on my own! I've even asked his mum for help cos I just feel so damned lost! It's like being out at sea and there's no landmarks at all. I'm doing the best I can but I'm running out of ideas.
Someone help me, please, I need help
I've done something wrong to Jonny but he won't tell me what I've done. I don't know what I've done to upset him but he "can't be bothered to explain". I wonder if he can even be bothered with me anymore! I don't want to lose him, I do love him but I just don't know how long I can tolerate his pride and ignorance. He tells me to tell him when something is bugging me and I do! But he won't do the same for me. It's like this relationship works only one way but it doesn't! A relationship is supposed to work two ways and I can't do this on my own! I've even asked his mum for help cos I just feel so damned lost! It's like being out at sea and there's no landmarks at all. I'm doing the best I can but I'm running out of ideas.
Someone help me, please, I need help
Tuesday 15 May 2007
To Ask;; Or Not To Ask;;
[[ Why;; why do you do this? ]]
Why is it when I go into town, you won't come with me?
When I go out, whether to get food, go to the bank, anything, you won't come with me? You'll stay at home and play games and then text me when you're getting bored telling me to come back quicker.
Why is it that when I'm not around, you go out and hang out with your friends?
Nearly every day during the week, so long as the weather is good, you'll go out and hang out with your friends yet you won't do that if I'm there even if you're invited.
Why is Tom is the only mate of yours I really know?
You'll invite Tom round whether I'm there or not, yet you'll only invite other people if I'm not there.
Why don't you hang out with anyone else just because I'm there?
The only time I ever see any other mates of yours is when we're out with Tom and we bumb into people. Sometimes we stay and talk but othertimes its a quick hello goodbye then you take my hand and we walk off.
Why do I feel like you're seperating me from your social life?
I can already see it, I'm living with you but you're not there cos you're hanging out with your friends and I'm not invited. And you won't invite me. The only thing you've invited me to is Robyns return party and thats only because you're expected to ask me cos if you dont, Tom will or Robyn. When it was Dave's party, Dave invited me and you but told me seperately incase you didn't tell me.
Why do I feel like you're ashamed of me?
You won't introduce me to those I don't know. I'm guessing that everyone already knows who I am but my instinct is telling me otherwise. I get the feeling that you're embarrassed of me for being too weak or too loud or too upfront. I get the feeling that you're worried how you're going to look just by having me by your side.
I feel like I'm a seperate part of your life. The same way how people keep their work and personal life seperate. I feel like there is something hidden from me. I feel like there is something he doesn't want me to know. I trust him, I just feel I don't know everything.
[[ I hate;; I hate;; I hate being in a relationship and yet still feel alone;; ]]
Why is it when I go into town, you won't come with me?
When I go out, whether to get food, go to the bank, anything, you won't come with me? You'll stay at home and play games and then text me when you're getting bored telling me to come back quicker.
Why is it that when I'm not around, you go out and hang out with your friends?
Nearly every day during the week, so long as the weather is good, you'll go out and hang out with your friends yet you won't do that if I'm there even if you're invited.
Why is Tom is the only mate of yours I really know?
You'll invite Tom round whether I'm there or not, yet you'll only invite other people if I'm not there.
Why don't you hang out with anyone else just because I'm there?
The only time I ever see any other mates of yours is when we're out with Tom and we bumb into people. Sometimes we stay and talk but othertimes its a quick hello goodbye then you take my hand and we walk off.
Why do I feel like you're seperating me from your social life?
I can already see it, I'm living with you but you're not there cos you're hanging out with your friends and I'm not invited. And you won't invite me. The only thing you've invited me to is Robyns return party and thats only because you're expected to ask me cos if you dont, Tom will or Robyn. When it was Dave's party, Dave invited me and you but told me seperately incase you didn't tell me.
Why do I feel like you're ashamed of me?
You won't introduce me to those I don't know. I'm guessing that everyone already knows who I am but my instinct is telling me otherwise. I get the feeling that you're embarrassed of me for being too weak or too loud or too upfront. I get the feeling that you're worried how you're going to look just by having me by your side.
I feel like I'm a seperate part of your life. The same way how people keep their work and personal life seperate. I feel like there is something hidden from me. I feel like there is something he doesn't want me to know. I trust him, I just feel I don't know everything.
[[ I hate;; I hate;; I hate being in a relationship and yet still feel alone;; ]]
Sunday 6 May 2007
Tuesday 1 May 2007
I Know I Shouldn't But I Am
[[ I know I shouldn't, but I am;; I'm jealous of everything he has]]
Someone once said to me that the reason I fell for him in the first place is because he leads the life I wish I had. I'm starting to wonder if thats true. It's definitely why I'm jealous.
He has a social life. I have nothing. My evenings are spent on this damned computer doing nothing but fucking around with profiles from various internet sites just to keep me from getting so bored that I actually do my college work. I guess I should really but not being able to think nor having the determination to do it doesn't help either.
He does what ever he wants. I can't. His parents allow him to do whatever when ever and know he has independence and that he'll look after himself. My parents won't let me do jack shit.
He has lots of friends nearby. I have 4 friends within easy distance. Thats pathetic. Hence why I have no social life. One friend is a slut wanna-be yet still wants to keep her dignity which vanished along with the dildo that she lost it to. The second friend is so "christian" that she won't even touch alcohol. She doesn't have a job, go out or anything. Her hobbies include Pokemon, YuGiOh and her dog! My third friend just doesn't have the time recently and for the whole year we've known each other, we've never really hung out and I've only just asked! My fourth friend is the furthest and he has a daughter. Him and his girlfriend are really cool to talk to and hang out with but I know I'll just end up spilling my troubles to them and crying my eyes out and I don't like doing that to people. I have one more, my godfather. But he's often busy or in another country or down in Frome. I do wish he was here now though.
He has places he can go. I live in the middle of a forest. New Milton is nothing and the forest isn't that much fun on your own.
He doesn't have to work. He has the whole day to do whatever. I'd like that once in a while. And he can go out in the evening and not have to worry what time he's back as he's got nothing to do the next day. I'm sure that would get boring after a while but I've not had it for years.
I am so fucking jealous!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I hate myself even more for feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like this. Worst of all, I get REALLY jealous when some other girl has his attention other than me.
I hate this. I hate myself. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm such an idiot.
Someone once said to me that the reason I fell for him in the first place is because he leads the life I wish I had. I'm starting to wonder if thats true. It's definitely why I'm jealous.
He has a social life. I have nothing. My evenings are spent on this damned computer doing nothing but fucking around with profiles from various internet sites just to keep me from getting so bored that I actually do my college work. I guess I should really but not being able to think nor having the determination to do it doesn't help either.
He does what ever he wants. I can't. His parents allow him to do whatever when ever and know he has independence and that he'll look after himself. My parents won't let me do jack shit.
He has lots of friends nearby. I have 4 friends within easy distance. Thats pathetic. Hence why I have no social life. One friend is a slut wanna-be yet still wants to keep her dignity which vanished along with the dildo that she lost it to. The second friend is so "christian" that she won't even touch alcohol. She doesn't have a job, go out or anything. Her hobbies include Pokemon, YuGiOh and her dog! My third friend just doesn't have the time recently and for the whole year we've known each other, we've never really hung out and I've only just asked! My fourth friend is the furthest and he has a daughter. Him and his girlfriend are really cool to talk to and hang out with but I know I'll just end up spilling my troubles to them and crying my eyes out and I don't like doing that to people. I have one more, my godfather. But he's often busy or in another country or down in Frome. I do wish he was here now though.
He has places he can go. I live in the middle of a forest. New Milton is nothing and the forest isn't that much fun on your own.
He doesn't have to work. He has the whole day to do whatever. I'd like that once in a while. And he can go out in the evening and not have to worry what time he's back as he's got nothing to do the next day. I'm sure that would get boring after a while but I've not had it for years.
I am so fucking jealous!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I hate myself even more for feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like this. Worst of all, I get REALLY jealous when some other girl has his attention other than me.
I hate this. I hate myself. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm such an idiot.
Monday 30 April 2007
Better, It's Getting There
[[Don't tell me it stops here;;]]
Well, last weekend was a lot better than what it has been in the past. Tom didn't come round on Saturday, which was good because we got to spend some quality time together. I know I was round Sunday too but it was just good to have a weekend to ourselves for once. I don't hate Tom, he's great fun! But it's just nice to have a quiet weekend every once in a while. Jonny actually treated me like his girlfriend instead of just a close friend who gets a kiss on the cheek every so often or a slap on the ass. Anyway, yes things are better. On Saturday, I did go to get my tattoo done however they were booked up SO I've been booked in for this Friday at 3 to get it done. I was with Jonny's mum at the time and we went shopping too but I'll be on my own on Friday! Yes Jonny still won't go with me. However I think the reason being is that he just doesn't like tattoo parlours or something. His parents said about a job going to be a tattooists assisstant. He wouldn't even go in there to talk to someone about it so I think he just doesn't like the place. Anyway, all weekend he was really close to me, sweet and romantic like he was when we first met. And he has a new name for me, Piglet. Yea I know it sounds stupid but its better than Pig! And its cos of how I eat despite the fact he eats more than me.
I bought 9 games on Sunday. Eye Toy Play 3 [Yes Tom, Eye Toy! And it's brilliant!], Jonny and I played it and it was so much fun! Also got Larry's Leisure Suite Uncut thing, oh my god its so funny! Teddy with a Strap-on! Thats all I'm going to say on that one! Jonny got a street football game or something, its good but I just can't remember the damned name, also got Outlaw Tennis [very hard!], Devil May Cry 3 Special Edition [Oh Yes! It's not just on PS3 you greedy bastards!], Stuntman, Eye Toy Groove, another game for Eye Toy and one more game can't remember the name of.
Well at the moment, Jonny is down the pub with Chris and Zinzi, I'm slightly anxious/nervous/jealous or something, I can't put a name on this feeling but its not good either way, just because he's down the pub! I think it's cos he never goes down there if I'm with him. He won't take me down there anymore. I haven't really had the guts to ask him why yet.
I have an assessment on Thrusday! Long fucking last. It's taken my college 7 months to realise that I'd changed placements. Now i'm having my first assessment all over again. I'm supposed to finish end of May and I haven't even got anything ticked off on any of my papers! Nice!
Well, thats all for now. Take care.
[[ Dream as tho;; you'll live forever]]
[[ Live as tho;; you'll die tomorrow]]
Well, last weekend was a lot better than what it has been in the past. Tom didn't come round on Saturday, which was good because we got to spend some quality time together. I know I was round Sunday too but it was just good to have a weekend to ourselves for once. I don't hate Tom, he's great fun! But it's just nice to have a quiet weekend every once in a while. Jonny actually treated me like his girlfriend instead of just a close friend who gets a kiss on the cheek every so often or a slap on the ass. Anyway, yes things are better. On Saturday, I did go to get my tattoo done however they were booked up SO I've been booked in for this Friday at 3 to get it done. I was with Jonny's mum at the time and we went shopping too but I'll be on my own on Friday! Yes Jonny still won't go with me. However I think the reason being is that he just doesn't like tattoo parlours or something. His parents said about a job going to be a tattooists assisstant. He wouldn't even go in there to talk to someone about it so I think he just doesn't like the place. Anyway, all weekend he was really close to me, sweet and romantic like he was when we first met. And he has a new name for me, Piglet. Yea I know it sounds stupid but its better than Pig! And its cos of how I eat despite the fact he eats more than me.
I bought 9 games on Sunday. Eye Toy Play 3 [Yes Tom, Eye Toy! And it's brilliant!], Jonny and I played it and it was so much fun! Also got Larry's Leisure Suite Uncut thing, oh my god its so funny! Teddy with a Strap-on! Thats all I'm going to say on that one! Jonny got a street football game or something, its good but I just can't remember the damned name, also got Outlaw Tennis [very hard!], Devil May Cry 3 Special Edition [Oh Yes! It's not just on PS3 you greedy bastards!], Stuntman, Eye Toy Groove, another game for Eye Toy and one more game can't remember the name of.
Well at the moment, Jonny is down the pub with Chris and Zinzi, I'm slightly anxious/nervous/jealous or something, I can't put a name on this feeling but its not good either way, just because he's down the pub! I think it's cos he never goes down there if I'm with him. He won't take me down there anymore. I haven't really had the guts to ask him why yet.
I have an assessment on Thrusday! Long fucking last. It's taken my college 7 months to realise that I'd changed placements. Now i'm having my first assessment all over again. I'm supposed to finish end of May and I haven't even got anything ticked off on any of my papers! Nice!
Well, thats all for now. Take care.
[[ Dream as tho;; you'll live forever]]
[[ Live as tho;; you'll die tomorrow]]
Sunday 22 April 2007
6 Months Pass
Yesterday was our 6 month anniversary.
I stayed over from Friday and come home yesterday night. Tom was round Friday and I asked Jonny if it would be ok for it to be just us on ou anniversary so that we could do something special. Instead, Jonny invited Tom back over. Which I don't mind, Tom is great fun but I was kinda upset with Jonny that he'd forgotten what I asked. I was gonna take him down the beach, just us two but we didn't. We still managed to spend some time together that night before I had to leave so it wasn't a complete loss.
Next saturday I will be getting my tattoo done. It's going to have "Mistress" written above it but in Dragon Script so that no one knows what it says!
Um, today I'm going down the beach with my mate Jess and her brother and sister and will be trying out my new bikini! I did wear it yesterday to sunbathe and got a slight tan which im quite disappointed about but thats cos I need to be in the sea to get a good tan!
Well this is going to be short. I don't have much to say.
I stayed over from Friday and come home yesterday night. Tom was round Friday and I asked Jonny if it would be ok for it to be just us on ou anniversary so that we could do something special. Instead, Jonny invited Tom back over. Which I don't mind, Tom is great fun but I was kinda upset with Jonny that he'd forgotten what I asked. I was gonna take him down the beach, just us two but we didn't. We still managed to spend some time together that night before I had to leave so it wasn't a complete loss.
Next saturday I will be getting my tattoo done. It's going to have "Mistress" written above it but in Dragon Script so that no one knows what it says!
Um, today I'm going down the beach with my mate Jess and her brother and sister and will be trying out my new bikini! I did wear it yesterday to sunbathe and got a slight tan which im quite disappointed about but thats cos I need to be in the sea to get a good tan!
Well this is going to be short. I don't have much to say.
Monday 16 April 2007
Maybe;; Just Maybe
[[Did she get the right one this time?]]
Well I may be going to see a gig next month. Reel Big Fish are playing in Bournemouth and I am so desperate to go see someone before my 20th birthday that I'm willing to risk my sanity going to Bournemouth to see these people. That place is full of chavs and emos galore. You'd be lucky to find one decent person who doesn't intend on hurting you, either through leading you on or beating you up. And people wonder why I go to Southampton instead. At least there its basic beating you up, not leading you on or intending one night stands while you're drunk! And there's not so many riot police down in Southampton. Last time I went to Bournemouth, I got caught right in the middle of a riot. A bloke standing next to me, just stood there watching, got knocked down with a baton by one of the armed policemen. You can understand why I no longer go there now! Luckily when I go to see RBF, Jonny is coming with me! So I won't be alone!
I don't have much to say. Jonny is currently sat in the park with his mates. I'm, clearly, sat at the computer typing this and downloading music. There is no one decent on to talk to which sucks else I'd have something to do. Now I might actually attempt to do my coursework! Or I could draw.
Speaking of drawing! Look at what I have designed!
Well I may be going to see a gig next month. Reel Big Fish are playing in Bournemouth and I am so desperate to go see someone before my 20th birthday that I'm willing to risk my sanity going to Bournemouth to see these people. That place is full of chavs and emos galore. You'd be lucky to find one decent person who doesn't intend on hurting you, either through leading you on or beating you up. And people wonder why I go to Southampton instead. At least there its basic beating you up, not leading you on or intending one night stands while you're drunk! And there's not so many riot police down in Southampton. Last time I went to Bournemouth, I got caught right in the middle of a riot. A bloke standing next to me, just stood there watching, got knocked down with a baton by one of the armed policemen. You can understand why I no longer go there now! Luckily when I go to see RBF, Jonny is coming with me! So I won't be alone!
I don't have much to say. Jonny is currently sat in the park with his mates. I'm, clearly, sat at the computer typing this and downloading music. There is no one decent on to talk to which sucks else I'd have something to do. Now I might actually attempt to do my coursework! Or I could draw.
Speaking of drawing! Look at what I have designed!
This will be my new tattoo end of April once I get paid and find someone who will do it. It's going to go in the center of my back inbetween my shoulders. I figured tht if I had a tattoo, it had to be something I've designed seeing as it's going on my body. Seems logical does it not? I'm debating whether to put Jonny's name beside it somewhere but it'll be written in Dragon Script so no one knows what it says! Or maybe write "Mistress" Mwa ha ha haa! I will experiment!
Well I shall leave it at that. I have work I could be doing.
I AM NOT AN EMO!
I AM FED UP WITH BLOODY EMOS!!
THOSE WHO CRY FOR HELP JUST TO GET ATTENTION!!
COS WHEN SOME OF US CRY FOR HELP, WE SUDDENLY GET CALLED EMOS! PPL THINK WE'RE TRYIN TO GET ATTENTION WHEN ACTUALLY ITS A GENUINE CRY FOR HELP! BUT THOSE DAMNED FCKING EMOS HAVE RUINED THIS!!!
I TRIED TURNING TO JONNY FOR HELP AFTER MUM RIPPED SHIT OUTTA ME! AND WHAT HAPPENED?!?! I GOT NO SUPPORT WHAT SO EVER COS HE THOUGHT I WAS BEING FCKING EMO!!!!
NO I DONT BLOODY ASK FOR ATTENTION! IF I CRY FOR HELP, ITS A DAMNED CRY FOR HELP AND IM TRYIN TO LOOK FOR SOME CONFIDENCE!!
Stupid twats. Hate emos.
Anyway. Must dash to work now!
THOSE WHO CRY FOR HELP JUST TO GET ATTENTION!!
COS WHEN SOME OF US CRY FOR HELP, WE SUDDENLY GET CALLED EMOS! PPL THINK WE'RE TRYIN TO GET ATTENTION WHEN ACTUALLY ITS A GENUINE CRY FOR HELP! BUT THOSE DAMNED FCKING EMOS HAVE RUINED THIS!!!
I TRIED TURNING TO JONNY FOR HELP AFTER MUM RIPPED SHIT OUTTA ME! AND WHAT HAPPENED?!?! I GOT NO SUPPORT WHAT SO EVER COS HE THOUGHT I WAS BEING FCKING EMO!!!!
NO I DONT BLOODY ASK FOR ATTENTION! IF I CRY FOR HELP, ITS A DAMNED CRY FOR HELP AND IM TRYIN TO LOOK FOR SOME CONFIDENCE!!
Stupid twats. Hate emos.
Anyway. Must dash to work now!
Friday 13 April 2007
Friday 13th
Mine is crap but only by being a crap finish to the week.
Started last friday when I told parents i'd be away from friday to tuesday cos i had days off work. I came back sunday for sunday roast lunch, mum thought i was gonna cook it, i said i'd do it nxt weekend, i then went bk southampton after lunch. parents got pissed off despite me tellin them on friday tht i'd be goin straight bk, dad then told me to come home monday mornin to "have words". Basically spent two hours tellin me how they think im a whore/prostitute/slut/slag/sleepin round southampton jus cos i spend one night at the wkend ROUND THE BFS! despite them knowin im still with him, havin a map of where he lives, havin his no. AND his mums, they still think it. After havin "words" i went straight bk to southampton but came home tht night, went bk tuesday afternoon. came back tuesday nite. I've now lost all respect for them and now don't even wanna talk to them, mum calls me a lodger, dad tries to have conversations with me which i jus totally ignore. Work know about what my parents said cos i was really down this mornin after mum said to me "every time i see you, you look fatter and wider" despite the fact i've been the same weight for 6 months.
6 MONTHS is how long i've been with jonny, anniversary next saturday. However he's pissed off down the cinema with Tom to watch 300 DESPITE knowing tht i really wanted to go see it and i was plannin to go see it nxt friday nite as part of our 6 month celebration, ON TOP OF THT he didn't even invite me to come see it tonite maybe cos he couldn't be bothered to wait til the 8 oclock viewing. On A GOOD NOTE I've finalised my tattoo design tht I made myself and am definitely getting it down end of the month nxt pay day.
Therein lies the tragedy.
Pissed Off doesn't quite cover it. By miles.
I'm going to go cry a flood of wasted tears. My self esteem is damn low. My self confidence is shot to pieces. And yet people wonder "how can such a lively girl feel so low". Well now you know why.
Sunday 8 April 2007
Pain, I Hate Pain
Well, the past week has been eventful!
Last Friday, got drunk, went out, slipped on wet pavement and fell straight on my back! Tore muscles across my chest from where all the muscles in my back clenched up and ended up ripping those at the front!
Monday, fell at work. Ended up on the floor in pain after landing on my back AGAIN! Ended up going to hospital because I just could not move!
Last night, Jonny, Tom and me got drunk. Well, Tom was tipsy, I was on the border line of tipsy and nothing and Jonny was completely off his face. We went out, Jonny wanted to start on people, he ended up getting punched in the face by a taxi driver because while Jonny was crossing on a zebra crossing, he decided to swear at the taxi driver cos he's not allowed to go. The stupid taxi driver revved his engine then as he went past, Jonny hit the window. The taxi driver stopped and started on him! Jonny just took it, the only reason he was on the floor is cos he tripped on the bollard behind him. Jonny did end up throwing up that night. Me and Tom were basically looking after him as he passed out numerous times. He threw up in bed too and after that he was rather edgy with me, maybe thinking that I was disgusted by him. Which I'm not! I mean come on, I work with children here! I have to change nappies, crap in their pants if their potty training and those who are sick! Its nothing new to me. I'm not judging him by that, I still love him and I still wanna be close to him even afterwards.
Anyway, this morning was slightly awkward. My chest is in immense pain. While trying to stop Jonny and the taxi driver fighting, I got elbowed in the chest and it seems to have torn more ligaments as I now cannot even drive without being in pain. This pain also seems to be around the right side of my chest and any heavy lifting, even a can of coke or something with my right hand sends a shooting pain through into my chest. I cannot even sleep on my right shoulder due to the pain. My back isn't doing much better. I have to ask Jonny to stretch it for me every so often. And a little something I learnt yesterday is not to ask him while he's drinking. He lifted me up, my back went crack, he then dropped me and then immediately stretched me over his arm! Bending me backwards! He didn't even do it slowly and I think that added to the damage in my chest too. While sat here, there is an ache in my chest and a pain in the top of my spine. I can see this is going to need a bit more medical attention than I thought.
I'm only home for sunday lunch. Then i'm going back to Southampton til tuesday night. I have a 5 day weekend and I intend to use it well! I think mum is pleased with the fact that I looked at her work rota and made a note that Sunday was the only day she had off and was working every other day. She thought I would stay out for all 5 days but after saying I'd be home just because she was, sort of made her smile, that I do think of her!
I think that is enough of my ramblings. For the sheer fact that I need to take something for this damned pain. I'm not drinking tonight, and probably not tomoro night either. I've had enough alcohol to last me the month. Tom and Jonny thought I was drunk yesterday however I was far from it due to eating right before I started to drink. Good move I thought.
Well, pleasant screams...
Last Friday, got drunk, went out, slipped on wet pavement and fell straight on my back! Tore muscles across my chest from where all the muscles in my back clenched up and ended up ripping those at the front!
Monday, fell at work. Ended up on the floor in pain after landing on my back AGAIN! Ended up going to hospital because I just could not move!
Last night, Jonny, Tom and me got drunk. Well, Tom was tipsy, I was on the border line of tipsy and nothing and Jonny was completely off his face. We went out, Jonny wanted to start on people, he ended up getting punched in the face by a taxi driver because while Jonny was crossing on a zebra crossing, he decided to swear at the taxi driver cos he's not allowed to go. The stupid taxi driver revved his engine then as he went past, Jonny hit the window. The taxi driver stopped and started on him! Jonny just took it, the only reason he was on the floor is cos he tripped on the bollard behind him. Jonny did end up throwing up that night. Me and Tom were basically looking after him as he passed out numerous times. He threw up in bed too and after that he was rather edgy with me, maybe thinking that I was disgusted by him. Which I'm not! I mean come on, I work with children here! I have to change nappies, crap in their pants if their potty training and those who are sick! Its nothing new to me. I'm not judging him by that, I still love him and I still wanna be close to him even afterwards.
Anyway, this morning was slightly awkward. My chest is in immense pain. While trying to stop Jonny and the taxi driver fighting, I got elbowed in the chest and it seems to have torn more ligaments as I now cannot even drive without being in pain. This pain also seems to be around the right side of my chest and any heavy lifting, even a can of coke or something with my right hand sends a shooting pain through into my chest. I cannot even sleep on my right shoulder due to the pain. My back isn't doing much better. I have to ask Jonny to stretch it for me every so often. And a little something I learnt yesterday is not to ask him while he's drinking. He lifted me up, my back went crack, he then dropped me and then immediately stretched me over his arm! Bending me backwards! He didn't even do it slowly and I think that added to the damage in my chest too. While sat here, there is an ache in my chest and a pain in the top of my spine. I can see this is going to need a bit more medical attention than I thought.
I'm only home for sunday lunch. Then i'm going back to Southampton til tuesday night. I have a 5 day weekend and I intend to use it well! I think mum is pleased with the fact that I looked at her work rota and made a note that Sunday was the only day she had off and was working every other day. She thought I would stay out for all 5 days but after saying I'd be home just because she was, sort of made her smile, that I do think of her!
I think that is enough of my ramblings. For the sheer fact that I need to take something for this damned pain. I'm not drinking tonight, and probably not tomoro night either. I've had enough alcohol to last me the month. Tom and Jonny thought I was drunk yesterday however I was far from it due to eating right before I started to drink. Good move I thought.
Well, pleasant screams...
Wednesday 28 March 2007
Black Thorn, Dammit I Want Black Thorn!
I wish my damn chair would stop rolling around the floor so I could actually type something!
Oh look at that it did!
Work is becoming harder. Not for the work load itself but for the sheer fact that I am shoved in different places and I'm never in one place for the whole day. Especially today. Today really wound me up. At first I'm with butterflies, then caterpillers, then butterflies. You get the point I imagine. The whole FUCKING DAY I was being switched between the two!
Also my hours are being changed at work over the easter holidays. I will be working from 8am til 6pm. A ten hour shift instead of my normal 8 hour shift! And I don't even get paid extra. However I do get a day off! so techinically I'm only working 3 days! I'm unsure about the week after next, whether I have the friday off or not. I hope I fucking do!
I miss Jonny
This week has been really slow. A typical result from a good weekend. What I would do just for a can of blackthorn! God love its holiness! I just heard on the news that a bus full of children and teachers and his demand was an ice cream cart for the kids! This is in philippines by the way. The guy was just making a stand for better education and equipment for the children. Bless him!
JONNY!
God dammit I need him.
OH! Here's something to chat about!
GRAHAM thinks I kept his daughter! I have not laughed so hard since the weekend! (lets face it, something about an ex is not going to be bigger than being loved by my spouse!) He sent me a txt asking how far gone I was when I lost her. I didn't reply. He then text me few hours later, demanding an answer "or are you hiding a deeper secret like the fact that you kept her"... WHAT THE HELL!?!?! I don't have a daughter! As far as I know, she's dead! I'm fed up of him trying to use her as an excuse just to keep in touch with me! He hasn't gotten over her nor me and still has his sights set on me. He's set his standards way too high, even I know for a fact that I am aeons out of his league! And I'm not being big headed, I really am that far out from him! He is a pathetic excuse for a human being, let alone a man! But not to worry, I am soon to have a new number as I'm getting my phone unlocked and switching networks (so I can talk to my baby more!) I can't wait to get rid of that annoying little fly. His only link with me is my daughter but I'm not going to let him use that chain round her neck to try and tackle me. If I ever have the unfortunate luck of seeing him in Southampton, results may vary depending on my mood at the time. The worst result would be to paralyse him for life. Slipped disk, broken back, something along those lines.
Anyway, thats enough for me. I need to go take a shower and have a nice long sleep! I am shattered, moody, missing my baby terribly, in need of his cuddles and kisses and not looking forward to work tomoro! Especially not college. I feel I may have failed!
OH! One more thing. I may be trying for X factor. Yes I know, me of all people. The one person who didn't want to become famous. Well, I'm not going to become famous. I will try the first round, if I get through - I quit. If I don't, I have to quit. No choice really but I don't want to go through anyway. I just want to see if I could do it. I don't want to be famous. If I'm to be famous, I want to be famous for not giving a damn what the paperazzi and other celebrities think of me, I'm not obsessed with how I look, don't care what I do and if other people don't like it, not fussed what I wear, not afraid to look natural WITHOUT MAKE UP (stupid bitches), I want to be famous for being the one who taught the ten year old girls every where in the world that beauty begins inside, looks only make you a plastecine doll, not a real person! Gosh the things I could do! Have a right old banter at all the celebrities for being stupid twats. And just so you know, I'm not talking about ALL IN GENERAL CELEBRITIES like bands, presenters etc. I'm talking about the A LIST CELEBS whatever the fuck that stands for. Its like a whole new range of upper class, middle and lower!
FUCK SOCIETY AND ITS OBSESSION WITH IDEALISTIC BEAUTY!
Gotta love Foamy!
Pleasant Screams...
Monday 26 March 2007
A Tale Of Happiness - Finally
The past weekend has been incredible to say the least! Allow me to explain.
I spent the weekend round my boyfriends, Jonny. Friday night, him, me and Tom got drunk on Cider (God love Black Thorn!) and we began walking around town. Now I must admit I was slightly nervous that Jonny would start making fun of me and having a go at me like he had done recently. However! The complete opposite happened! He was just like he was when we started going out; all over me, telling me how beautiful I am etc how much he loves, needs me, wants me and we were really having a good time! Despite the high positives I was receiving from him, I was still a little worried that this would all disappear by the time we got home. I was wrong! It got better! Not only was the sex amazing but we spent the time afterwards, cuddled up together talking and joking and laughing and basically opening up to each other! I felt closer to him than I had ever felt! It all happened again the next day but without Tom this time as he'd just received his PS3, lucky sod. And despite eating a chip that tasted like cat shit and made me throw up, my heart was still on a high and by the end of the night, I was the happiest I had ever been!
Basically - I'm in total love and the chances of us EVER splitting up are IMPOSSIBLE!... Well, I like to think so anyway.
Another small note before I end this post of absolute adoration and love for a certain someone - I can't find a damn layout for this blog that actually fucking works! If anyone knows what I should do or where to go then please, let me know!
Pleasant Screams!
Thursday 22 March 2007
For The First Of Many - Its Not The Best
As a first post, this is not going to be the best.
Lets start with the one whose currently bugging me the most. Jonny.
He went to a concert last night. One which I was hoping to attend too but couldn't due to work. Last time he went to a concert, he got me a little bracelet. This time, he went with £60, got himself two shirts and me nothing. Considering that I actually wanted to go to this concert, you would've thought he'd at least get me a little something would you not? And for those who dont know, I'm his girlfriend.
At the moment I really don't want to hear about it, about how good it was and stuff. I already feel shit for not going. I have not even been to a concert yet so that one would've been my first. On top of that, it was our 5 month anniversary. Now I know some people are not fussed with these small things but I myself am to an extent where I will say "happy # anniversary" and a response saying "you too babe" if what I usually get. However this time I didn't even get a txt back let alone a response. I feel somewhat alone in this relationship. Like I am the only one who gives a shit about it. For example, Jonny txt me today sayin he missed me, he hadn't said it for quite some time! I was beginning to wonder if he actually remembered me.
Now I know that in some aspects, I am over reacting and really should get over myself and shouldn't be such high maintenence. But I can't help how I feel. On top of that having a mountain of insecurities to deal with every day has to take some tol on me.
Next issue. Friends.
Now I know someone who may read this and will know who I'm on about. Last weekend, I went to Jonny's after college and hung out with him, Tom and Callum. While Jonny and Tom were outside chatting away, Callum decided to be really nice to me and start asking how I was and that the reason he came over to Jonny's was in hope to see me as we hadn't seen each other for over a month. He then informed me that he spotted Graham in west quay and was going to kill the bastard however lost him in the crowd. I am unsure whether to believe him or not. Regardless of that, I still encouraged him to actually kill the cunt if he were to spot him again (due to recent events that I will not talk of). Anyway, I am unsure of how to deal with Callums recent change in heart towards me, seeing as he used to rip shit out of me. Now he's being all nice and sweet. Even told me that I had gotten a tan since and that he couldn't wait to see me in summer with my full blown colour change as I looked hotter when coloured....see how I'm worried here?
Next On The List!
Jess.
Now, here is someone who I have known for just over 8 years. Some people will admire me for this if they know her. Or even met her for that matter. Anyway, we have been good mates (I will not say best mate) for a long time. But all through this time, she has asked for advice which I have given. However she hasn't taken any of it and comes crying to me for help wondering why it all went wrong. Lately, she asked if I could give her a lift to her ex's. JUST A LIFT! What am I, a bloody taxi? The reason she believes I will say yes is because I gave her a lift to his ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! Just so I could bloody see her before she spent the day with him! Now you can't say I didn't try. Thing is that I had already planned something for my birthday with her seeing as I hadn't spoken to her in quite a while. She fobbed me off for this bloke. On my 19th. I spent the day alone til I thought, fuck it, and went to Jonny's where I got some birthday sex! Anyway, she hasn't even gotten me anything for my birthday. My best mate (Biggs, bless you) hasn't gotten me anything due to the fact she has no job and no money BUT she still manages to get me a card AND writes me a letter! A LETTER! For those of you who don't know me, I love letters. They are something for me to keep and re-read when I'm feeling lonely. And it does help! SO! Yes my apparent "good mate" doesn't really appreciate my friendship therefor I will not be so available for her no more. I refuse to give any more advice seeing as she thinks she knows better. I will not be a bloody taxi for her (despite the fact it was just one occasion). Better luck next time Jess.
Next Topic - College and Work.
Quick info for those not in the know, I work in a day nursery with 0 - 5 year olds. However I am only an apprentice and attend Pool college every friday.
SO! I finish end of April, however I don't officially finish til June but I'll stop attending college at the end of April. I still have one more assignment to do and 7 technical units. I have been attending nearly a year and the college has only just decided to give us the notes that the class have been asking for ever since we started. No questions there then why I haven't handed in any units.
That just about does my dragging on for today. Now I must go and do some college work ready for tomoro. As well as email a cousin before I totally forget! Long Live The Weekend - Magners To The Extreme. 3 Litres should about do it for me.
Life Would Be Good If I Wasn't So Bad At It
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