Trouble In The Soul

How much longer til I can stand up for myself??

I look back at my life and realise that at any conflict with those I love, I back down and become blind to my own beliefs just to keep someone else happy. I've never stood up for my own feelings. I've never spoken my mind so people listen. Sure, I write it here, but why? Because I can't tell them.

I can't go on like this. I'm going to end up drowning in my own silence. I'm doing everything for everyone in order to keep them happy even though its making me miserable. I'm so unhappy but I can't do what I want because no one likes it. My boyfriend doesn't like me getting drunk because I embarrass him by acting like a big kid. I work with children! What more can you expect? I have to be if I'm going to be any good at my job! He calls it being immature, I call it being drunk. My parents don't want me going out. They don't even want me in Southampton, but I don't like Bournemouth. And most of my friends are in Southampton. They dont mind my brother going out, graffitying all over new milton and coming home the next day. Rules for him and me have always been different just because I'm a girl. Apparently I can't look after myself if I get attacked.

WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I TAKE MARTIAL ARTS FOR 8 YEARS??!?!?!? NOT FOR THE HELL OF IT THATS FOR SURE!!!

There are only two reasons why I did martial arts. 1. I was good at it and enjoyed it. 2. So I could protect myself if threatened!

AND I DID!

Even if I was drunk at the time, I still managed to defend myself! I still managed to look after myself! Fuck anyone who says I cant.

My parents never have anything good to say about me. Some support would be nice every now and then. But they never do. The boyfriend never gives me any support either. Constantly calling me stupid. Pointing out something wrong. Saying I'm a retard just because I make a silly mistake sometimes. Beating me at games just so he feels better and I feel like a failure. Showing how much better he is than me at things. I'd like to see him do my job. Says anyone can do it. Says it not much of a job.

SO WHY AINT HE GOT ONE?!?!? IF ITS SO FUCKING EASY WHY DONT HE DO IT!!!!!

I'm fed up of... of. ... EVERYTHING!!!!

My work is about the only good thing in my life.

FUCK YOU ALL!!!! I'LL DO IT MY FUCKING WAY!!! DONT LIKE IT???? TOUGH FUCKING SHIT!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!