Last night after work, me, Harry, Sam and Nathan decided to head out to Boldre Church. It was near 1 in the morning and on top of that the clocks went back that night so got an extra hour!
Anyway!! I'm not going to go into details cos I'm supposed to be getting ready for work. But my god it wasn't half fun!! Got frightened the life out of, ended up doing some criminal investigation too. I certainly won't be going back so nieve as I was last time!! I have a few theories as to how things happened cos soem crazy shit went down!! But I would still like to go back there at some point. I even got all the screaming and discussions on video! But I think it's just humurous to listen to rather than anything else.
ANYWAY!!! Top of the morning to ye! I need to get ready for work!!
Sunday 26 October 2008
Sunday 19 October 2008
Sometimes I Just Can't Be Fucked With It
This morning is not a good morning.
Last night was not a a good night.
Yesterday. Lets start there shall we.
I basically worked a 12 hour shift. Had an hour break. It was rather quiet during the day. Sarah and I made use of the time, dusting, polishing, cleaning. My boss was at football and the landlord was in the office. We did well that day. But then, my boss came back. No sooner had he come out on the bar, he gave us jobs to do. Yep, ok we'll do them. Myself and Sam were working our arses off all through the night! And yet somehow during the night, my boss managed to find time to stand there and watch the band and chat to people, the landlord was drinking his own bloody stock of ale while Sam and I were holding the damn bar down ourselves!! The band were shit because their lead singer was pissed up and could more than likely have been wheeled out in a wheelbarrow quite happily but it didn't help that his daughter, yes his daughter, was giving him double shots of vodka WHILE HE'S ON STAGE!!!! I can tell you now that our pub lost some respect through that band.
Anyway, you may be somewhat confused as to why I'm so fucked off about my boss and landlord loitering and drinking behind the bar. Well, our landlord had a go at Sam for pouring some cola for herself. YET HE'S DRINKING THE FUCKING ALE!!! I don't give a shit if he's the fucking landlord!! If we can't even drink a softdrink behind the bar, he shouldn't be fucking drinking the ale should he!!!
And then my boss, he's got some motto of his that he believes in and uses for the business. Can't remember what it is exactly but it basically means that if you look busy, then it will be busy. Plus it makes time go by quicker. Anyway, I also have my own motto. Now, read closely into this:
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
ELSE DONT PREACH IT AT ALL
you fuck.
Argh!!! Thats what gets me the most!!! He tells us to keep busy and whatnot then when it is busy and there's LOTS he can do, he fucking stands there and watches that fucking band!!!! Yes you're allowed to watch the band your hiring for a short period of time but you've got a fucking job to do to help us out!! If not, then get over the other side of the bar and GET OUT OF OUR WAY SO WE CAN DO OUR FUCKING JOB!!!
And while I'm on a rant-of-a-whale (not time, a fucking whale cos its that fucking big) my boss keeps telling me that I'll be manager soon. Or whatever time. And I'm starting to realise that he's all talk and not much else. At first it was, when I start the NVQ, then it was, at the end of summer, now it's, when I finish the NVQ. FOR FUCK SAKE!!!! Why not just say, sometime next year. Christ I didn't expect it all straight away, its my first bar job, I aint gonna be amazing the first time round. Argh!!
You know what, fuck you. I'm going to do this bar tender course, so I can move on to the cocktails and the flair courses and advance myself. Yea I know I probably won't use it work. But I don't care. It's something I WANT to do. Not for you. For ME!! And what if I move abroad or something, I'll be able to find a job in a flash because I'll have the qualifications!!
So you're frightened that I'll leave and go somewhere else. Well I am. At some point in the future. May not be for another year but I aint fucking staying there for 7 years or something!! What if I move? That place is going to be unaccessible to me. Or if I get offered something better? Then it's only common sense that I take the opportunity to get better, improve and get better pay!
OH AND I DONT APPRECIATE HAVING 3 HOURS MISSING FROM MY PAY!!
Fucking cheap bastards.
And I don't care if you hate me after this. If you can't take the truth about how we feel then you shouldn't fucking read it in the first place.
Last night was not a a good night.
Yesterday. Lets start there shall we.
I basically worked a 12 hour shift. Had an hour break. It was rather quiet during the day. Sarah and I made use of the time, dusting, polishing, cleaning. My boss was at football and the landlord was in the office. We did well that day. But then, my boss came back. No sooner had he come out on the bar, he gave us jobs to do. Yep, ok we'll do them. Myself and Sam were working our arses off all through the night! And yet somehow during the night, my boss managed to find time to stand there and watch the band and chat to people, the landlord was drinking his own bloody stock of ale while Sam and I were holding the damn bar down ourselves!! The band were shit because their lead singer was pissed up and could more than likely have been wheeled out in a wheelbarrow quite happily but it didn't help that his daughter, yes his daughter, was giving him double shots of vodka WHILE HE'S ON STAGE!!!! I can tell you now that our pub lost some respect through that band.
Anyway, you may be somewhat confused as to why I'm so fucked off about my boss and landlord loitering and drinking behind the bar. Well, our landlord had a go at Sam for pouring some cola for herself. YET HE'S DRINKING THE FUCKING ALE!!! I don't give a shit if he's the fucking landlord!! If we can't even drink a softdrink behind the bar, he shouldn't be fucking drinking the ale should he!!!
And then my boss, he's got some motto of his that he believes in and uses for the business. Can't remember what it is exactly but it basically means that if you look busy, then it will be busy. Plus it makes time go by quicker. Anyway, I also have my own motto. Now, read closely into this:
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
ELSE DONT PREACH IT AT ALL
you fuck.
Argh!!! Thats what gets me the most!!! He tells us to keep busy and whatnot then when it is busy and there's LOTS he can do, he fucking stands there and watches that fucking band!!!! Yes you're allowed to watch the band your hiring for a short period of time but you've got a fucking job to do to help us out!! If not, then get over the other side of the bar and GET OUT OF OUR WAY SO WE CAN DO OUR FUCKING JOB!!!
And while I'm on a rant-of-a-whale (not time, a fucking whale cos its that fucking big) my boss keeps telling me that I'll be manager soon. Or whatever time. And I'm starting to realise that he's all talk and not much else. At first it was, when I start the NVQ, then it was, at the end of summer, now it's, when I finish the NVQ. FOR FUCK SAKE!!!! Why not just say, sometime next year. Christ I didn't expect it all straight away, its my first bar job, I aint gonna be amazing the first time round. Argh!!
You know what, fuck you. I'm going to do this bar tender course, so I can move on to the cocktails and the flair courses and advance myself. Yea I know I probably won't use it work. But I don't care. It's something I WANT to do. Not for you. For ME!! And what if I move abroad or something, I'll be able to find a job in a flash because I'll have the qualifications!!
So you're frightened that I'll leave and go somewhere else. Well I am. At some point in the future. May not be for another year but I aint fucking staying there for 7 years or something!! What if I move? That place is going to be unaccessible to me. Or if I get offered something better? Then it's only common sense that I take the opportunity to get better, improve and get better pay!
OH AND I DONT APPRECIATE HAVING 3 HOURS MISSING FROM MY PAY!!
Fucking cheap bastards.
And I don't care if you hate me after this. If you can't take the truth about how we feel then you shouldn't fucking read it in the first place.
Friday 3 October 2008
You Shouldn't Care If It Hurts Me, You Do What You Want To Do
So I've been let down. By quite a few people. And yes it upsets me, not so much as to cry but it just annoys me. I don't know why I should know everything, yet when something doesn't go according to plan, its like my whole world has been flipped upside down and I am unsure of how to react to it. Despite the fact that I in myself am not the most predictable of people.
My birthday, my 21st, I have no idea how thats going to turn out. I am getting such mixed responses from people. Seems that everyone is indulged with Uni or something. But isn't my birthday during the easter hols? Well all I know is that it's different for each place so god knows.
Take for instance one friend gave me an idea of what to do and was really excited about it. Turns out that now she's going on a trip with uni. I feel let down. But hold on. She's doing something that she enjoys, its her way of life what she's doing, I'm not going to stop her doing something that could very well turn out to be a once in a life time opportunity or could very well hold something that may change her life. Why should I hold her back? It's not my right to and I support her to go for it even if it means missing what she planned. I want her to do it, to take every opportunity that comes her way. And yet despite my positive attitude for her decision, I still feel upset that she's doing it. I accept what she's doing and I support it, but I just don't know how to deal with this feeling that there's something better to do.
All this dieting is putting stress on me, only a little, but its sending my mood swings all over the place. I nearly had a go at Rob for going to see Queen in November. WTF?! I shouldn't be having a go at him for something he wants to do and probably paid for long before meeting me! Obvious I didn't txt back, save me having to wrack my brain for something to say without sounding bitchy. Instead I just wait til I'm in a better mood before I txt him again. And at this rate, it could be a while. Past couple of days I've been really "clingy?" without even seeing him!! Well, ok more like, sending him msgs about how much he means to me and stuff. He rarely sends anything back that says the same and yet I still do it. Maybe hoping that he will. I don't know. And I hate that fact that when I'm walking round the bar, one of the posters that I made with a picture of him, stares at me as I walk past and soon I'm going to rip it down!! At the moment, I tend to wipe my mind of him when I'm working and if he does pop into my mind, I quickly change to the dragons. Now there's a whole load of endless questions for me to think about with them!
Right now I am unsure how Rob and I will turn out. Maybe its just my mood swing at the moment, who knows, but with my work slowly quietening down with the seasons, and his going steadily up constantly, how will we be able to make time for each other? I don't do well if I know I wont see him again for a long time. And I do even worse if I don't even know when I'll see him again. But once again, the good side of me will support him in every decision he makes, in his increase of work, his increase of popularity, his increase in being known amongst musicians. And even in the fear that I may be left behind, I still encourage him to go further. And this is how I've ended up in such fragile states so many times, I've put everyone else in front, told everyone else to do what they want to do disregarding whatever happens to me and often is the case, that I crash and fall without them. But I don't think about what happens to me, I don't think about that til its too late! But I don't want to hold people back on the account of me. But then I don't want to go futher if people didn't want me to.
I don't know why I'm so messed up. But then if everything was how it should be, there'd be no reason to live. If every day was the same, you would lose the will to even carry on. Without the drama, no matter how big or small, it makes each day different. If I wasn't spontaneous, I'd die boring. And thats no way to go.
My birthday, my 21st, I have no idea how thats going to turn out. I am getting such mixed responses from people. Seems that everyone is indulged with Uni or something. But isn't my birthday during the easter hols? Well all I know is that it's different for each place so god knows.
Take for instance one friend gave me an idea of what to do and was really excited about it. Turns out that now she's going on a trip with uni. I feel let down. But hold on. She's doing something that she enjoys, its her way of life what she's doing, I'm not going to stop her doing something that could very well turn out to be a once in a life time opportunity or could very well hold something that may change her life. Why should I hold her back? It's not my right to and I support her to go for it even if it means missing what she planned. I want her to do it, to take every opportunity that comes her way. And yet despite my positive attitude for her decision, I still feel upset that she's doing it. I accept what she's doing and I support it, but I just don't know how to deal with this feeling that there's something better to do.
All this dieting is putting stress on me, only a little, but its sending my mood swings all over the place. I nearly had a go at Rob for going to see Queen in November. WTF?! I shouldn't be having a go at him for something he wants to do and probably paid for long before meeting me! Obvious I didn't txt back, save me having to wrack my brain for something to say without sounding bitchy. Instead I just wait til I'm in a better mood before I txt him again. And at this rate, it could be a while. Past couple of days I've been really "clingy?" without even seeing him!! Well, ok more like, sending him msgs about how much he means to me and stuff. He rarely sends anything back that says the same and yet I still do it. Maybe hoping that he will. I don't know. And I hate that fact that when I'm walking round the bar, one of the posters that I made with a picture of him, stares at me as I walk past and soon I'm going to rip it down!! At the moment, I tend to wipe my mind of him when I'm working and if he does pop into my mind, I quickly change to the dragons. Now there's a whole load of endless questions for me to think about with them!
Right now I am unsure how Rob and I will turn out. Maybe its just my mood swing at the moment, who knows, but with my work slowly quietening down with the seasons, and his going steadily up constantly, how will we be able to make time for each other? I don't do well if I know I wont see him again for a long time. And I do even worse if I don't even know when I'll see him again. But once again, the good side of me will support him in every decision he makes, in his increase of work, his increase of popularity, his increase in being known amongst musicians. And even in the fear that I may be left behind, I still encourage him to go further. And this is how I've ended up in such fragile states so many times, I've put everyone else in front, told everyone else to do what they want to do disregarding whatever happens to me and often is the case, that I crash and fall without them. But I don't think about what happens to me, I don't think about that til its too late! But I don't want to hold people back on the account of me. But then I don't want to go futher if people didn't want me to.
I don't know why I'm so messed up. But then if everything was how it should be, there'd be no reason to live. If every day was the same, you would lose the will to even carry on. Without the drama, no matter how big or small, it makes each day different. If I wasn't spontaneous, I'd die boring. And thats no way to go.
Saturday 27 September 2008
Welcome Back My Gothic Twin
By the way, before I go on my ramblings, I'd just like to say that I wasn't wrong about that girl, she is an ignorant fucking cow and I hope she kills herself by OD on anti depressants! Just to be ironic!
Anyway
A little note also to RACHEL GRAY cos I know you fucking read this you stupid cunt -
Would you please. . . JUST FUCK OFF!!!
You think I'm the back stabber and liar?? YOU were the one who fucking lied to her parents, YOU were the one backstabbing Jess to ME!!! YOU think yo'uve got people wrapped around your little finger trying to push me out and get one in on me, but oh no!! It's all back fired and no one wants you around anymore! Why? COS I DONT FUCK WITH PPLS HEADS JUST TO GET WHAT I WANT YOU FUCKING STUPID TWAT!!! HOW FUCKING DUMB CAN YOU GET?!?!?
Don't answer that.
Onto other news. I'm back into Cradle of Filth. They are my fighting music and I can't escape it. Pendulum has worn out its welcome. I can feel myself drifting back into that gothic side of me that wants everything black and deadly. I welcome it with open arms as halloween is just around the corner.
Also I seem to notice that with the seasons, i.e winter, I become more dark in my fashion and sooner or later just completely Goth. And then I lighten up for summer! HA!
Anyway I must get ready for work.
The Plague: Get It. Feed It. Spread It. Bitches.
Anyway
A little note also to RACHEL GRAY cos I know you fucking read this you stupid cunt -
Would you please. . . JUST FUCK OFF!!!
You think I'm the back stabber and liar?? YOU were the one who fucking lied to her parents, YOU were the one backstabbing Jess to ME!!! YOU think yo'uve got people wrapped around your little finger trying to push me out and get one in on me, but oh no!! It's all back fired and no one wants you around anymore! Why? COS I DONT FUCK WITH PPLS HEADS JUST TO GET WHAT I WANT YOU FUCKING STUPID TWAT!!! HOW FUCKING DUMB CAN YOU GET?!?!?
Don't answer that.
Onto other news. I'm back into Cradle of Filth. They are my fighting music and I can't escape it. Pendulum has worn out its welcome. I can feel myself drifting back into that gothic side of me that wants everything black and deadly. I welcome it with open arms as halloween is just around the corner.
Also I seem to notice that with the seasons, i.e winter, I become more dark in my fashion and sooner or later just completely Goth. And then I lighten up for summer! HA!
Anyway I must get ready for work.
The Plague: Get It. Feed It. Spread It. Bitches.
Wednesday 17 September 2008
Back From The Holidays!!
Cyprus was amazing! Spent every day down the beach or at least some part of it, mainly in the afternoon. I went diving twice which was brilliant and I really want to take up the course and do it properly!! We went exploring every night to various bars, the Square Bar being our favourite because the bar man was super cool and gave us free drinks, plus Matt "Elvis" Craig was really funny and probably the most likeable welsh man ever (lol!). We ate out for 4 nights and ate in the other 2, the sun was boiling hot but made the beach even nicer! I went snorkelling every day and twice I saw an octopus! I had to wrestle one to get the shell that I brought home! I saw this big shell and then saw two eyes next to it watching me! As I dived down to get it, he put a tentacle around it and wouldn't let go, I ended dragging him out of his little cave, I couldn't stop as I was floating back up without trying and so the octopus admitted defeat and let go. Greedy buggar, what more could he want with it, he'd already emptied it! Fed the fish with bread and they would follow me for half hour afterwards round the reef just incase I dropped anymore. Picked up numerous starfish which no one else seemed to spot :s I wasn't the only one snorkelling and yet as I swam behind a few, I spotted starfish lightly camoflaged and dived down to pick them up. Cute little creatures. I didnt feel too great when seeing them in the souvenirs shop, dried and coloured and sealed in bags with herbs. They looked so much prettier alive.
Can't wait to go home tomorrow, see the parents and my dragons. And then I'm going for dinner with my best mate Jess, don't really know where we're going yet cos neither of us know what we fancy! Aha! Frankies in castly point looks to be the destination.
Anyway!! Can't stay long, have much to catch up on! ^^
Can't wait to go home tomorrow, see the parents and my dragons. And then I'm going for dinner with my best mate Jess, don't really know where we're going yet cos neither of us know what we fancy! Aha! Frankies in castly point looks to be the destination.
Anyway!! Can't stay long, have much to catch up on! ^^
Saturday 6 September 2008
God Dammit
Okay so last time I was a little hasty to judge. Turns out she was given those days off anyway. Argh, blind to the obvious again >< for which I apologise for. What can I say, I was in a bad mood. Ah well, hopefully maybe at some point I'll be able to see for myself. But I still stand by what I said that some people just don't have a good enough reason to be on them happy pills.
I don't know, we'll see.
3 DAYS TIL I GO ON HOLIDAY!!
FUCKING YES!!! I can't fucking wait!! Haven't been on holiday in ages and to be going with Rob, ah it's like a dream coming true!! Seriously, I'd only been with him a couple of months when he asked if I'd go! Last time it was a year before we went away together! And then it was shite cos he didn't wanna go anywhere!! So this time, it will be perfect!! I can't fucking wait!!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know, we'll see.
3 DAYS TIL I GO ON HOLIDAY!!
FUCKING YES!!! I can't fucking wait!! Haven't been on holiday in ages and to be going with Rob, ah it's like a dream coming true!! Seriously, I'd only been with him a couple of months when he asked if I'd go! Last time it was a year before we went away together! And then it was shite cos he didn't wanna go anywhere!! So this time, it will be perfect!! I can't fucking wait!!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday 4 September 2008
Don't You Just Hate It When . . .
Someone at work uses some pathetic and really stupid excuse not to come in. And on top of that, isn't it such a coincedence that the week they're off "sick" is the week they wanted to book off couple of weeks earlier but weren't allowed it?
Talk about real fucking obvious.
And I bet they're in London right now.
Also what pissed me off is that they're excuse is "I'm on anti depressants so I can't work" . . .
WHAT A LOAD OF FUCKING BOLLOCKS!!
I'm sorry but you may think you've pulled the wool over people's eyes but sure as hell not mine!!
YOU have NOTHING to be depressed about. Alright so you lost a loved one but she was old and lived a good and fulfilling life. So you dumped your boyfriend, you two were doomed from the start anyway after the amount of break ups in just 2 weeks!! That is still FUCK ALL reason to take anti depressants!!
AND ON TOP OF THAT!!
Why the fuck should it stop you from working?!?! One of the other staff is always on anti depressants but they still come into work!!
Besides, you have no idea what depressed is about. You don't even know the meaning to the word. Now you might turn around and say "well neither do you" but oh people at work KNOW that I've been depressed, far more than you could ever imagine. My art, my stories, my poetry and my scars tell the tale of my depression without me having to say a damned word.
And guess what!! I still didn't have to take anti depressants!!
. . .
Anyway, onto a happier note.
I go away on holiday in 6 days with my drummer boy!! Oh I'm so excited!!! Only got 3 more shifts at work and then I'm AWAY!!!
YEA BABY!!!!
Talk about real fucking obvious.
And I bet they're in London right now.
Also what pissed me off is that they're excuse is "I'm on anti depressants so I can't work" . . .
WHAT A LOAD OF FUCKING BOLLOCKS!!
I'm sorry but you may think you've pulled the wool over people's eyes but sure as hell not mine!!
YOU have NOTHING to be depressed about. Alright so you lost a loved one but she was old and lived a good and fulfilling life. So you dumped your boyfriend, you two were doomed from the start anyway after the amount of break ups in just 2 weeks!! That is still FUCK ALL reason to take anti depressants!!
AND ON TOP OF THAT!!
Why the fuck should it stop you from working?!?! One of the other staff is always on anti depressants but they still come into work!!
Besides, you have no idea what depressed is about. You don't even know the meaning to the word. Now you might turn around and say "well neither do you" but oh people at work KNOW that I've been depressed, far more than you could ever imagine. My art, my stories, my poetry and my scars tell the tale of my depression without me having to say a damned word.
And guess what!! I still didn't have to take anti depressants!!
. . .
Anyway, onto a happier note.
I go away on holiday in 6 days with my drummer boy!! Oh I'm so excited!!! Only got 3 more shifts at work and then I'm AWAY!!!
YEA BABY!!!!
Friday 15 August 2008
FUCK OFF YOU M*THERF*CKING C*NT!!
So you think you can come back into my life, guns blazing and mouthing off at me.
I don't think so.
It's been 2 years at least since I last spoke to you. 3 years since it happened.
I don't need you and never have done!
SO FUCK OFF!!
I don't want your crap of how you think you know better than me!! You wanna try and tell me what to do?? Why the fuck should I listen to you when I've got the better job than you, I've got more friends than you, a better life than you and I'm in a higher position than you will ever be in!!
You've got some fucking nerve to tell me that I don't know what life is.
I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT LIFE WAS THE DAY YOU FUCKING KILLED HER!!!
And as for that little WHORE you had, I hope she's grown up or is DEAD!!!
I swear to God you DARE fucking come NEAR me, I'm gonna grab your bollocks and shove em so far up your arse they'll be in your throat!!!
I know your plan, you need me to still want you, but I don't, I'm not gonna be wrapped around your finger. Not again. Not anymore. Once was bad enough.
I wanna smother you. . .
. . .
. . . In fire and brimstone!!!
I don't think so.
It's been 2 years at least since I last spoke to you. 3 years since it happened.
I don't need you and never have done!
SO FUCK OFF!!
I don't want your crap of how you think you know better than me!! You wanna try and tell me what to do?? Why the fuck should I listen to you when I've got the better job than you, I've got more friends than you, a better life than you and I'm in a higher position than you will ever be in!!
You've got some fucking nerve to tell me that I don't know what life is.
I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT LIFE WAS THE DAY YOU FUCKING KILLED HER!!!
And as for that little WHORE you had, I hope she's grown up or is DEAD!!!
I swear to God you DARE fucking come NEAR me, I'm gonna grab your bollocks and shove em so far up your arse they'll be in your throat!!!
I know your plan, you need me to still want you, but I don't, I'm not gonna be wrapped around your finger. Not again. Not anymore. Once was bad enough.
I wanna smother you. . .
. . .
. . . In fire and brimstone!!!
Sunday 10 August 2008
A Whole New World
Ok, lets get upto date shall we?
I have suddenly become indulged in Pendulum, whether this is because Sam has invited me to come see them at the BIC in December or not, I'm not sure. But either way, I'm very much wrapped up in it atm. Especially Remember Me. Loving the foreign language, in songs any way. Also Dota by Basshunter is a favourite.
Next, last night, I went clubbing after work with Harry and Sam. Oh yes, the sexy trio were out roaming Bournemouth!
. . .
Good god I've never been so frightened in all my life!!
First . . . ok no thats a lie. SECOND time of being in a proper club. Although the first time, I had already been drinking and then ended up in a hot tub with my eyes shut while I danced to a bass line as it was all I could hear. Anyway yes, this time, I was frightened. I actually felt like crying, either through fascination, amazement, fear or HELP GET ME OUT OF HERE!! I'm not sure. Maybe all of them. I did eventually get used to it enough to dance. However, looking in the mirrors quickly put me off. Maybe I was wearing the wrong trousers but Good God I wanted to put WIDE LOAD sticker on MY OWN BACKSIDE!! That can't be good. So yes, that shot down my self confidence. Got very freaked out though when one guy held onto my waist (even though quite a lot of guys done that, they let go as they passed) this guy DIDNT let go!! It wasn't until I sharply turned that he let go!! I don't have a very good history with guys not letting go of me. Dungeon, Jumping Jacks, Angel, pubs and clubs of sorts. All ended badly. Except Dungeon, that didn't end too badly. The guy was married and did later apologise to me so that was ok. ^^
Difference between the clubs I'm used to going to and that one last night is that this one - well, lets face it. I stood out as a n00b the moment I walked in the door. Big dance floor, fancy lights, heavy bass line and my dancing usually consists of head banging, hmm couldn't really do it here. And Dungeon has a very small dance floor. Everyone is normally hanging out drinking with mates and chatting. Sound Circus has a bigger dance floor but still no where near as big as this one, plus they play alternative music and heavy metal!! So that also suits me to a T. But looking round this new one, it was . . . unusual. You could pick out the girls who regularly spent their Saturday nights dancing away and knew how to dress for such an occasion. You could also pick out those who were on a one night celebration event. And then there's people like me, who didn't know what to do, felt embarrassed to even be there and wished they had worn something else, a little more suiting to the place! I would like to give it a proper shot one day, maybe for my 21st? Do it properly, full on clubbing gear, UV everywhere, one night down sound circus, another night down Lavaignite, and then one night down Dungeon. Yes. Thats my week off planned!! Wednesday - Dungeon. Friday - Sound Circus. Saturday - Lava;ignite. BRING IT!! ^^
Ok, other news!!
I'm meeting Rob's dad tomorrow and his partner. >.< He was going to leave it as a surprise but luckily he had to tell me cos Jess wanted to make plans with us. So now I can prepare what I'm going to wear and make a proper impression and not make his dad think that he's just pulled some alternative prostitute ¬¬
OH ONE OTHER THING!!
Found an alternative shop in Bournemouth.
YES!!! OH YES!! AT FUCKING LAST!!! A SHOP WORTH GOING TO IN BOURNEMOUTH!! Other than Anne Summers of course. ^^
My dragons are growing immensly. Althought Dad is getting a little grumpy because he feels slightly left out because I do everything. He fed them today and I asked him to dust them with calcium dust next time he feeds them live food. He got all grumpy and said "fine I wont feed them next time" . . . no I didn't say you can't, I'm just asking if you could dust the food first before feeding it to em. I get the feeling I was talking to a child ???
AARR I AM LOVING THIS TUUUUUNE!!!
I am going through a random phase of saying random shizz. As you can see. However still an alternative at heart. Irrespective of my music phase at the moment. And my clothing is dragging a bit. It's resolving to baggy shirts and jeans due to my lack of confidence in my body. I seriously need to stop eating. And being on the implant doesn't help cos every small little snack puts something on me!! And I WILL stick to it!!! 2 meals a day MAX!! and NO SNACKING!!! Ok, here we go:
1. No more than 2 meals a day of medium portion.
2. No snacking.
3. No fizzy drinks
4. NO REDBULL! Or other energy drinks.
5. No alcohol (AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yea thats going to be difficult. Though I could have it with juice!!)
6. Drink more water.
7. No fast food.
That will do me for now. On top of that there is a fitness regieme for me. Using dumbells and this twisty thing my mum has to help lose the weight off the mid drift which I could really use right now!
Here's another thing. *one more ting!!! - Uncle stylee!*
I can't sing.
Not for shit.
I may be able to sing in tune, but having the voice to do it is a totally different matter. And anyone who says I can is a liar!!
I'm not going to sing again at the next House band gig. Or pub karaoke - or EVER!!
*sighs* I feel like drawing. OH I KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA DO!!! ^^
I was going to add to my scrap book of me and Rob, the emails we shared before we met properly for the first time. Such happy memories, my heart never raced so fast, nor hard. ^^
Hehehehehe!! Still makes me giggle even now. Wonder what he was thinking when he was writing his first email to me . . .
Anyway, I think thats enough for your daily dose of insanity.
I know it's enough for me!!
I have suddenly become indulged in Pendulum, whether this is because Sam has invited me to come see them at the BIC in December or not, I'm not sure. But either way, I'm very much wrapped up in it atm. Especially Remember Me. Loving the foreign language, in songs any way. Also Dota by Basshunter is a favourite.
Next, last night, I went clubbing after work with Harry and Sam. Oh yes, the sexy trio were out roaming Bournemouth!
. . .
Good god I've never been so frightened in all my life!!
First . . . ok no thats a lie. SECOND time of being in a proper club. Although the first time, I had already been drinking and then ended up in a hot tub with my eyes shut while I danced to a bass line as it was all I could hear. Anyway yes, this time, I was frightened. I actually felt like crying, either through fascination, amazement, fear or HELP GET ME OUT OF HERE!! I'm not sure. Maybe all of them. I did eventually get used to it enough to dance. However, looking in the mirrors quickly put me off. Maybe I was wearing the wrong trousers but Good God I wanted to put WIDE LOAD sticker on MY OWN BACKSIDE!! That can't be good. So yes, that shot down my self confidence. Got very freaked out though when one guy held onto my waist (even though quite a lot of guys done that, they let go as they passed) this guy DIDNT let go!! It wasn't until I sharply turned that he let go!! I don't have a very good history with guys not letting go of me. Dungeon, Jumping Jacks, Angel, pubs and clubs of sorts. All ended badly. Except Dungeon, that didn't end too badly. The guy was married and did later apologise to me so that was ok. ^^
Difference between the clubs I'm used to going to and that one last night is that this one - well, lets face it. I stood out as a n00b the moment I walked in the door. Big dance floor, fancy lights, heavy bass line and my dancing usually consists of head banging, hmm couldn't really do it here. And Dungeon has a very small dance floor. Everyone is normally hanging out drinking with mates and chatting. Sound Circus has a bigger dance floor but still no where near as big as this one, plus they play alternative music and heavy metal!! So that also suits me to a T. But looking round this new one, it was . . . unusual. You could pick out the girls who regularly spent their Saturday nights dancing away and knew how to dress for such an occasion. You could also pick out those who were on a one night celebration event. And then there's people like me, who didn't know what to do, felt embarrassed to even be there and wished they had worn something else, a little more suiting to the place! I would like to give it a proper shot one day, maybe for my 21st? Do it properly, full on clubbing gear, UV everywhere, one night down sound circus, another night down Lavaignite, and then one night down Dungeon. Yes. Thats my week off planned!! Wednesday - Dungeon. Friday - Sound Circus. Saturday - Lava;ignite. BRING IT!! ^^
Ok, other news!!
I'm meeting Rob's dad tomorrow and his partner. >.< He was going to leave it as a surprise but luckily he had to tell me cos Jess wanted to make plans with us. So now I can prepare what I'm going to wear and make a proper impression and not make his dad think that he's just pulled some alternative prostitute ¬¬
OH ONE OTHER THING!!
Found an alternative shop in Bournemouth.
YES!!! OH YES!! AT FUCKING LAST!!! A SHOP WORTH GOING TO IN BOURNEMOUTH!! Other than Anne Summers of course. ^^
My dragons are growing immensly. Althought Dad is getting a little grumpy because he feels slightly left out because I do everything. He fed them today and I asked him to dust them with calcium dust next time he feeds them live food. He got all grumpy and said "fine I wont feed them next time" . . . no I didn't say you can't, I'm just asking if you could dust the food first before feeding it to em. I get the feeling I was talking to a child ???
AARR I AM LOVING THIS TUUUUUNE!!!
I am going through a random phase of saying random shizz. As you can see. However still an alternative at heart. Irrespective of my music phase at the moment. And my clothing is dragging a bit. It's resolving to baggy shirts and jeans due to my lack of confidence in my body. I seriously need to stop eating. And being on the implant doesn't help cos every small little snack puts something on me!! And I WILL stick to it!!! 2 meals a day MAX!! and NO SNACKING!!! Ok, here we go:
1. No more than 2 meals a day of medium portion.
2. No snacking.
3. No fizzy drinks
4. NO REDBULL! Or other energy drinks.
5. No alcohol (AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yea thats going to be difficult. Though I could have it with juice!!)
6. Drink more water.
7. No fast food.
That will do me for now. On top of that there is a fitness regieme for me. Using dumbells and this twisty thing my mum has to help lose the weight off the mid drift which I could really use right now!
Here's another thing. *one more ting!!! - Uncle stylee!*
I can't sing.
Not for shit.
I may be able to sing in tune, but having the voice to do it is a totally different matter. And anyone who says I can is a liar!!
I'm not going to sing again at the next House band gig. Or pub karaoke - or EVER!!
*sighs* I feel like drawing. OH I KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA DO!!! ^^
I was going to add to my scrap book of me and Rob, the emails we shared before we met properly for the first time. Such happy memories, my heart never raced so fast, nor hard. ^^
Hehehehehe!! Still makes me giggle even now. Wonder what he was thinking when he was writing his first email to me . . .
Anyway, I think thats enough for your daily dose of insanity.
I know it's enough for me!!
Tuesday 15 July 2008
I Am Going Insane!!
Well I have just come back from a couple of days down the beach staying at Jess and Jamies. Had their engagement party on Monday night which was cool. Had karaoke and got a little tipsy. Didn't feel it but I really couldn't get my words out right!
Anyway, finding it really hard to type as my dragons are sat on me.
I am missing Rob soooooooooooo much!!! I was ok when he went on holiday but when it comes to not having seen him for a week, knowing where he is and how to get to him, it drives me mental cos I know I "should'nt" go see him despite how much I want to! And I know I could get to him easily without much hassle but I'm trying to be good, listen to the angel on my shoulder and wait until its convenient for him. Which means having to wait til Thursday or Sunday if I'm really unlucky. And in his absence, I've been relying on texts from him to stay in contact. And the insecurities have been trying their hardest to creep in and screw up my head.
I will probably end up writing it down and then sticking it in the book. Proof that I have grown up and become more mature and controlled over my emotions instead of letting them run wild.
Ah the joys of life!
Anyway, finding it really hard to type as my dragons are sat on me.
I am missing Rob soooooooooooo much!!! I was ok when he went on holiday but when it comes to not having seen him for a week, knowing where he is and how to get to him, it drives me mental cos I know I "should'nt" go see him despite how much I want to! And I know I could get to him easily without much hassle but I'm trying to be good, listen to the angel on my shoulder and wait until its convenient for him. Which means having to wait til Thursday or Sunday if I'm really unlucky. And in his absence, I've been relying on texts from him to stay in contact. And the insecurities have been trying their hardest to creep in and screw up my head.
I will probably end up writing it down and then sticking it in the book. Proof that I have grown up and become more mature and controlled over my emotions instead of letting them run wild.
Ah the joys of life!
Monday 23 June 2008
Can't Wish It All Away
In my shell of a body
I am alive
Through the empty eyes
You can see my soul
In my own mind
I need rescuing
I am just a little girl
Entwined in a thorn bush
That is my pain
That is my hate
And every move I make
Just becomes hurt
As the pricks pierce my skin
So I'll stand still
Thorns entangled in my hair
Fear binds me here
I am too afraid to cry
Do you hear me breathe?
Your voice brings comfort
Your touch heals me
This thorn bush dies
I can finally break a smile
I try to walk
I try to talk
But my legs give way
My voice just croaks
Cover me in your cloak
Wrap me in your arms
Feel my heart beat hard
I could stare into your eyes
Your beautiful blue eyes
And feel everything lift from my chest
Suddenly then collapse
For I can finally rest
Free from the pain
The worry and the hate
All that kept me awake
Drove me into that critical state
You are the air I breathe
The blue sky I see
The peace I feel
What burns in you now burns in me
A fire of passion
An inferno of love
You are what life is about
And you are mine
Just as I am yours
And on my dying day
I will have a smile
That same smile
That one and only smile
That I made
The day you came to me
As my soul sores above
I'll never forget that day
How I felt when I fell in love
With the fire in your eyes
And even as you cry
Your face still makes me smile
You will always be mine
And when you join me in heaven
We can hold hands again
I'll be lost in your eyes
You'll be lost in my smile
And with that we'll fade away
Together for another day
Until the end of time
We will always have that fire inside
We'll be the fire of the stars
The glisten in their hearts
And for all eternity
We are one
I am alive
Through the empty eyes
You can see my soul
In my own mind
I need rescuing
I am just a little girl
Entwined in a thorn bush
That is my pain
That is my hate
And every move I make
Just becomes hurt
As the pricks pierce my skin
So I'll stand still
Thorns entangled in my hair
Fear binds me here
I am too afraid to cry
Do you hear me breathe?
Your voice brings comfort
Your touch heals me
This thorn bush dies
I can finally break a smile
I try to walk
I try to talk
But my legs give way
My voice just croaks
Cover me in your cloak
Wrap me in your arms
Feel my heart beat hard
I could stare into your eyes
Your beautiful blue eyes
And feel everything lift from my chest
Suddenly then collapse
For I can finally rest
Free from the pain
The worry and the hate
All that kept me awake
Drove me into that critical state
You are the air I breathe
The blue sky I see
The peace I feel
What burns in you now burns in me
A fire of passion
An inferno of love
You are what life is about
And you are mine
Just as I am yours
And on my dying day
I will have a smile
That same smile
That one and only smile
That I made
The day you came to me
As my soul sores above
I'll never forget that day
How I felt when I fell in love
With the fire in your eyes
And even as you cry
Your face still makes me smile
You will always be mine
And when you join me in heaven
We can hold hands again
I'll be lost in your eyes
You'll be lost in my smile
And with that we'll fade away
Together for another day
Until the end of time
We will always have that fire inside
We'll be the fire of the stars
The glisten in their hearts
And for all eternity
We are one
Friday 20 June 2008
Not All Are Welcome
Well yesterday Rob left for Zanti. Got a text from him this morning. The present I got for him should arrive either today or tomorrow. Work is going steadily along.
Oh and while I'm on the subject of work. . .
Yesterday, someone called asking when the engagement party is. Before that a witheld number called my phone but it was on silent so I didnt get it. Now I'm thinking it was Rachel. She wouldn't give a name to Tom who took the call and therefore Tom wouldn't tell her anything. Because of this we are now having the party as private and people have to provide an invite for them to get in (the party not the pub). Now Rachel, you are NOT invited because I don't want you there. You will only make things awkward and disrupt the whole thing. If Jess invites you to the wedding then thats fine, I don't care because I'm going to be maid of honour and wont have to be anywhere near your ass! But this party is for close friends and family and you don't fit into either category. SO STOP TRYING TO INVITE YOURSELF!!
Fucking stupid cow.
Speaking of stupid cows, this girl who has no life and keeps pranking me is from Southampton! So now I can narrow it down to only a few people. Just because she's witheld doesn't mean the police can't trace where the signal is coming from.
Oh and while I'm on the subject of work. . .
Yesterday, someone called asking when the engagement party is. Before that a witheld number called my phone but it was on silent so I didnt get it. Now I'm thinking it was Rachel. She wouldn't give a name to Tom who took the call and therefore Tom wouldn't tell her anything. Because of this we are now having the party as private and people have to provide an invite for them to get in (the party not the pub). Now Rachel, you are NOT invited because I don't want you there. You will only make things awkward and disrupt the whole thing. If Jess invites you to the wedding then thats fine, I don't care because I'm going to be maid of honour and wont have to be anywhere near your ass! But this party is for close friends and family and you don't fit into either category. SO STOP TRYING TO INVITE YOURSELF!!
Fucking stupid cow.
Speaking of stupid cows, this girl who has no life and keeps pranking me is from Southampton! So now I can narrow it down to only a few people. Just because she's witheld doesn't mean the police can't trace where the signal is coming from.
Thursday 12 June 2008
So Romantic Yet So Sad
Ok I am officially one hell of a sad suck up for stupid little romantic gestures.
I've bought me and Rob matching shirts. . .
I don't need to say anymore than that really! Doesn't matter whats on it, they match! Good lord thats bad enough!!
Anywho, life is ticking on happily. My dad is currently in hospital after having a knee operation, he'll be back on Sunday. I spent last night round Robs, got drunk, had an amazing night *wink wink*, woke up at 8 and got to work half hour early!! Yet it still didn't dawn on me to stop home and get my damned trainers!! Mainly cos I spent that half hour saying goodbye to Rob. It seems that each time I see him, he is even more irresistable to me!! And I do believe the same is happening to him too!
OMG!! Just seen the news! My philippine uncle used to work on the Saga Rose!! Thank god that he left when he did else he could've been dead by now!
ANYWAY!! Onto more important things in life.
JESS AND JAMIE!!! Congrats on your engagement! It would be my pleasure to be your Maid of Honour. A note to RACHEL GRAY if she's reading this (cos I know too well she will be), YES there is going to be an engagement party. YES I am organising it. NO your NOT invited!! I don't care if your still talking to Jess, you have yet to build a bridge with me and I am not going to let you waltz in like your automatically invited cos your NOT!! And I swear if you do come uninvited (inviting yourself like you've just tried does NOT count) I will personally escort you off the premises before I knock you clean out!! I still keep my promise on that. Thats just how badly you pissed me off!! I don't mind being told what to do IF they're in a position to do so. Like my boss. But you, YOU!! You were telling me how to THINK!! YOU were telling me how to FEEL!! I don't take kindly to people trying to rule my life!! My parents know that all too well! Bless their souls for trying but they have a right to. YOU DONT!! So kiss my tanned ass.
Anyway, onto a happier note, Rob *sighs*. Now that my best mate is engaged, I feel like I am soon to follow. I am thinking that on the 27th of December. He may, MAY, pop the question. I am unsure and I seem to have made myself think he will on that exact date just because I thought about it so much. Sado. Oh and last night I had a dream that I was pregnant with twins. . . now most people would be scared of that. Me however, I felt amazing. I felt so incredible feeling that I was carrying twins. I felt . . . like a mother. (note - sudden Dae Ja Vu!!). I saw quite a few babies over the past week and it just makes me wish that I was either still working from time to time with babies or that I had my own baby.
Just as I am ready for you Claudia, its too late.
Well, if I have kids with Rob, they're going to be really cute! No matter who they take after!!
I've bought me and Rob matching shirts. . .
I don't need to say anymore than that really! Doesn't matter whats on it, they match! Good lord thats bad enough!!
Anywho, life is ticking on happily. My dad is currently in hospital after having a knee operation, he'll be back on Sunday. I spent last night round Robs, got drunk, had an amazing night *wink wink*, woke up at 8 and got to work half hour early!! Yet it still didn't dawn on me to stop home and get my damned trainers!! Mainly cos I spent that half hour saying goodbye to Rob. It seems that each time I see him, he is even more irresistable to me!! And I do believe the same is happening to him too!
OMG!! Just seen the news! My philippine uncle used to work on the Saga Rose!! Thank god that he left when he did else he could've been dead by now!
ANYWAY!! Onto more important things in life.
JESS AND JAMIE!!! Congrats on your engagement! It would be my pleasure to be your Maid of Honour. A note to RACHEL GRAY if she's reading this (cos I know too well she will be), YES there is going to be an engagement party. YES I am organising it. NO your NOT invited!! I don't care if your still talking to Jess, you have yet to build a bridge with me and I am not going to let you waltz in like your automatically invited cos your NOT!! And I swear if you do come uninvited (inviting yourself like you've just tried does NOT count) I will personally escort you off the premises before I knock you clean out!! I still keep my promise on that. Thats just how badly you pissed me off!! I don't mind being told what to do IF they're in a position to do so. Like my boss. But you, YOU!! You were telling me how to THINK!! YOU were telling me how to FEEL!! I don't take kindly to people trying to rule my life!! My parents know that all too well! Bless their souls for trying but they have a right to. YOU DONT!! So kiss my tanned ass.
Anyway, onto a happier note, Rob *sighs*. Now that my best mate is engaged, I feel like I am soon to follow. I am thinking that on the 27th of December. He may, MAY, pop the question. I am unsure and I seem to have made myself think he will on that exact date just because I thought about it so much. Sado. Oh and last night I had a dream that I was pregnant with twins. . . now most people would be scared of that. Me however, I felt amazing. I felt so incredible feeling that I was carrying twins. I felt . . . like a mother. (note - sudden Dae Ja Vu!!). I saw quite a few babies over the past week and it just makes me wish that I was either still working from time to time with babies or that I had my own baby.
Just as I am ready for you Claudia, its too late.
Well, if I have kids with Rob, they're going to be really cute! No matter who they take after!!
Monday 9 June 2008
I LOVE ROB!!!
I couldn't resist. I just had to write another blog. I had such an amazing time round his and at the gig!! I am so happy!!!
It's surprising how 20 years after recording hyperkarmer (or however long it was), Rob still sounds the same!! And I really want to hear his voice again!!
Well ok lets elaborate.
I love him.
I hate being away from him.
I really really REALLY want to be with him for the rest of my life.
I pray that he is the one for me.
I want to hear his words again no matter how little they are, they mean alot to me.
THANK YOU EMMA FOR BRINGING HIM TO MY ATTENTION!! ^^
My life - is complete!! I have everything I need.
I want to marry him. I want to have his babies. I want to be with him forever.
HAHAHAHAHAHAA!! Stalker!! Obsessed teenager!! Oh god.
Yes I want to be with him when all my dreams come true. And I'm thinking he does too. But to just enjoy it now and take our time.
Right now I could easily run in the street and shout his name out to the world!!
BIG IT UP MAN!!
¬¬ I don't know dont freakin ask.
I'm well and truly hyped up in my head and garunteed when I get to work it's gonna show. And I'm working with Dave. What shit. Oh well, I'll spruce it up!!
It's surprising how 20 years after recording hyperkarmer (or however long it was), Rob still sounds the same!! And I really want to hear his voice again!!
Well ok lets elaborate.
I love him.
I hate being away from him.
I really really REALLY want to be with him for the rest of my life.
I pray that he is the one for me.
I want to hear his words again no matter how little they are, they mean alot to me.
THANK YOU EMMA FOR BRINGING HIM TO MY ATTENTION!! ^^
My life - is complete!! I have everything I need.
I want to marry him. I want to have his babies. I want to be with him forever.
HAHAHAHAHAHAA!! Stalker!! Obsessed teenager!! Oh god.
Yes I want to be with him when all my dreams come true. And I'm thinking he does too. But to just enjoy it now and take our time.
Right now I could easily run in the street and shout his name out to the world!!
BIG IT UP MAN!!
¬¬ I don't know dont freakin ask.
I'm well and truly hyped up in my head and garunteed when I get to work it's gonna show. And I'm working with Dave. What shit. Oh well, I'll spruce it up!!
She Said, She Said
SHE'S TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH HYPERKARMA!!
Ah you bitches.
Welcome to your daily dose of insanity.
Well I've just got back from Robs.
*goes all girlie*
And thats enough of that!
I really really REALLY want to make a band up and finally make our own music!! The books I have laying around full of lyrics, poetry and songs just going to waste sitting in the dark gathering dust!! In fact, I do believe I shall pull one of them out right now!
...
Well I'm looking through my old song book and OMG!! The songs are still in my head. Obviously I can think of better melodies for them and some better lyrics but wow, so many memories!!
This one is for Jess cos I know she used to love this song when I sang it to her. You can now sing along with me Jess!
Hard Core
There's nothing that this girl will tolerate
Make one wrong move and it's a big mistake
She's a hard core-bad ass chick but don't get me wrong
'Cos she's a great girl if you don't mean her any harm
I've heard your lies and I've heard the truth
Don't try it on her cos she'll hit the roof
She can blow her fuse quick as one-two-three
And you'll be dead which for her can be quite easy
I don't mean to sound so rude
But she's keeping her eye on you (on you)
I don't mean to sound so rebellious
But someone told me what I should do about you
Somebody told me how to get out of here
I'm gnna take my life and stop it right here
Somebody told me how to get you back
I'm gonna tell your bitch that you called her a slag
Somebody told me how to change your mind
But then they said your foolish heart was blind
Somebody told me how to make you see
But for that t happen you gotta get back with me
She married once but it came to a quick end
How I know this is because I'm her bestest friend
She told me about you, said she wasn't sure
You told her you had an ex who was a real big whore
I told her that the whore you said about was me
So now you'd better watch your distance
'Cos she's now your enemy
I said I'd pay you back so now my work is done
I think I'll do it again next time cos it seemed fun
I didn't mean to make you cry
But you did dump me and said goodbye
I didn't mean to ruin your life
But if you come to me I'll put you right
Somebody told me
They should tell you
What they told me
That the girl your going out with
Is a true hard core.
LOL!!!
Omg how random is that!! I'm just reading through the rest of these songs and good lord! There aren't many happy ones!! hahahaha!! I really wish I had my keyboard just so I could play all these songs and realise just how corny they all are and how they sound all quite similar! Maybe if I got a band together I could change it, rearrange it, make it better!!
All I want for christmas - IS A KEYBOARD!! Or a band that will work with me ^^
Ah you bitches.
Welcome to your daily dose of insanity.
Well I've just got back from Robs.
*goes all girlie*
And thats enough of that!
I really really REALLY want to make a band up and finally make our own music!! The books I have laying around full of lyrics, poetry and songs just going to waste sitting in the dark gathering dust!! In fact, I do believe I shall pull one of them out right now!
...
Well I'm looking through my old song book and OMG!! The songs are still in my head. Obviously I can think of better melodies for them and some better lyrics but wow, so many memories!!
This one is for Jess cos I know she used to love this song when I sang it to her. You can now sing along with me Jess!
Hard Core
There's nothing that this girl will tolerate
Make one wrong move and it's a big mistake
She's a hard core-bad ass chick but don't get me wrong
'Cos she's a great girl if you don't mean her any harm
I've heard your lies and I've heard the truth
Don't try it on her cos she'll hit the roof
She can blow her fuse quick as one-two-three
And you'll be dead which for her can be quite easy
I don't mean to sound so rude
But she's keeping her eye on you (on you)
I don't mean to sound so rebellious
But someone told me what I should do about you
Somebody told me how to get out of here
I'm gnna take my life and stop it right here
Somebody told me how to get you back
I'm gonna tell your bitch that you called her a slag
Somebody told me how to change your mind
But then they said your foolish heart was blind
Somebody told me how to make you see
But for that t happen you gotta get back with me
She married once but it came to a quick end
How I know this is because I'm her bestest friend
She told me about you, said she wasn't sure
You told her you had an ex who was a real big whore
I told her that the whore you said about was me
So now you'd better watch your distance
'Cos she's now your enemy
I said I'd pay you back so now my work is done
I think I'll do it again next time cos it seemed fun
I didn't mean to make you cry
But you did dump me and said goodbye
I didn't mean to ruin your life
But if you come to me I'll put you right
Somebody told me
They should tell you
What they told me
That the girl your going out with
Is a true hard core.
LOL!!!
Omg how random is that!! I'm just reading through the rest of these songs and good lord! There aren't many happy ones!! hahahaha!! I really wish I had my keyboard just so I could play all these songs and realise just how corny they all are and how they sound all quite similar! Maybe if I got a band together I could change it, rearrange it, make it better!!
All I want for christmas - IS A KEYBOARD!! Or a band that will work with me ^^
Friday 6 June 2008
Obsessed I Swear!!!
OBSESSED WITH SWEENEY TODD!!Ok I bought a new phone today. What did I do? I put a load of music on it, as you do, and some photos for a background, screen saver and all the rest of it. What have I done? My ring tones are songs from Sweeney Todd and my background changes between either of those two images!!
I have passed the point of just "love for a film" ... it's now a part of deamonic curse and worshipping of the film! I don't know. My dad told me of the legend when I was younger and ever since then I became fascinated in all the old time serial killers such as Elizabeth Bathory (emphasized through Cradle Of Filth), Jack The Ripper (scared half the school with that!) and Sweeney Todd! Or maybe it's just unlocked something inside of me and given me something to actually visualise with the legend.
Hmm...
Anyway!! Love my new phone!! Don't care if its a shite colour, it rawks!! Or maybe its cos it'll play Sweeney todd to me, I'm not sure. Love it anyway!!
*sighs* so much happening. Hello to Jess and Jamie!! Cos I know you guys read this every now and then. Or when ever I tell you to. ^^ Jamie hope ya mouth aint swollen so much. That'll teach you to swallow things your not supposed to! =D LOVE YOU REALLY!!!
I miss my drummer boy. Like, INSANELY MISS HIM!!! I HATE being away from him. Really do. Seeing him play on Sunday and Jason is coming too. Woop!! Anyway, I must go and get ready for work!! Friday night, hopefully should be some what busy. Although normally people come in early, get drunk early and go home early. Thats how it's been so far every friday night. Except the friday I had off! Hahahaha! Anyway yes must go!! ^^
Salutations to all you nosy buggars who are reading my life! =D
I LOVE YOU!!
Saturday 31 May 2008
Worry Worry Worry
There's always going to be something, somewhere or someone, designed in life to disrupt everything in your routine.
Ok, I done a tarot reading few nights ago. My future apparently holds misery and desolation. The last card said end of a relationship, seperation, heartbreak and tears.
The last time that card came up, it ended 2 weeks after. Twice that happened!! So naturally, saw that card and panicked! Thing is, I'd been worrying for the whole of that day so I'm hoping it just picked up on my fears.
Then last night at work, an alternative styled guy and his parents and family turned up at the plough for a birthday night. I caught his attention. No idea how nor why!! All night he didn't take his eyes off me and even sung songs to try to impress me as he's the singer in a band. He wasn't too bad but wasn't great either. I really wanted to get up there and sing just to show him how it's done but Tom didn't call me up. He was talking to one of the regulars about me and he gave me so many blessings. Said how amazing I am. So this guy became even more infactuated with me. He stayed til the end of the night when it was just him and Gee sat at the bar while I was cleaning and closing up. He got my number off someone. And then finally left when Tom kicked him out.
I haven't heard from Troy (the guy) yet. Tis a good thing! Hopefully he was too drunk to remember! I won't say no to more friends but no one gets any more than that. I'm sticking with Rob. Oh and onto what I was worrying about with Rob...
I don't want to put my faith in someone who doesn't want the same as me in life.
To be married and have a family.
I did ask him earlier on in the relationship and he said he didn't know but then he'd never met anyone like me! So he's still open to it. But I just fear that the more I stay with him, the deeper I fall for him and if it turns out he doesn't want the same then it's only going to hurt me more. I don't want to make the same mistake as my dad. Got married then find out they dont want children. It would be so hard for me. Especially now as I'm hoping to settle down. I just need to know if its what he wants or not. If he doesn't want it, then I've got no choice but to leave. I really don't want to leave though. Everyone likes him, and if I leave him, whoever I go with next will be compared to him. But thats not the dilemma right now.
Anyway, I'm on another split shift today. Fuck sake. God its going to kill me but I will be so loaded! Hopefully. Aha!! Anyway I need to go get ready.
Ok, I done a tarot reading few nights ago. My future apparently holds misery and desolation. The last card said end of a relationship, seperation, heartbreak and tears.
The last time that card came up, it ended 2 weeks after. Twice that happened!! So naturally, saw that card and panicked! Thing is, I'd been worrying for the whole of that day so I'm hoping it just picked up on my fears.
Then last night at work, an alternative styled guy and his parents and family turned up at the plough for a birthday night. I caught his attention. No idea how nor why!! All night he didn't take his eyes off me and even sung songs to try to impress me as he's the singer in a band. He wasn't too bad but wasn't great either. I really wanted to get up there and sing just to show him how it's done but Tom didn't call me up. He was talking to one of the regulars about me and he gave me so many blessings. Said how amazing I am. So this guy became even more infactuated with me. He stayed til the end of the night when it was just him and Gee sat at the bar while I was cleaning and closing up. He got my number off someone. And then finally left when Tom kicked him out.
I haven't heard from Troy (the guy) yet. Tis a good thing! Hopefully he was too drunk to remember! I won't say no to more friends but no one gets any more than that. I'm sticking with Rob. Oh and onto what I was worrying about with Rob...
I don't want to put my faith in someone who doesn't want the same as me in life.
To be married and have a family.
I did ask him earlier on in the relationship and he said he didn't know but then he'd never met anyone like me! So he's still open to it. But I just fear that the more I stay with him, the deeper I fall for him and if it turns out he doesn't want the same then it's only going to hurt me more. I don't want to make the same mistake as my dad. Got married then find out they dont want children. It would be so hard for me. Especially now as I'm hoping to settle down. I just need to know if its what he wants or not. If he doesn't want it, then I've got no choice but to leave. I really don't want to leave though. Everyone likes him, and if I leave him, whoever I go with next will be compared to him. But thats not the dilemma right now.
Anyway, I'm on another split shift today. Fuck sake. God its going to kill me but I will be so loaded! Hopefully. Aha!! Anyway I need to go get ready.
Friday 23 May 2008
I Hate All You Preachy MotherFuckers!!
Especially Jehovah's Witnesses.
God they do my head in.
You know, I have respect for religion. At school I was quite intrigued by the Jews and their laws and whatnot. Same as Budhism and Islaam. Couldn't stand the Muslims though.
Anyway, yes I respect your views and beliefs. Yes by all means do as you see fit which complies with your rules. BUT DO NOT I repeat DO NOT preach your crap to me expecting me to bow down to it!! I HATE being told what to do by someone who is NOT in the position nor have the RIGHT to tell me what to do with my life!!
He is YOUR God.
They are YOUR beliefs.
YOU burn in hell!!
I ESPECIALLY hate those fuckers in America who use emotional blackmail or some other form of abuse or kidnapping, just to get people to convert to their side!! YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME WANT TO GO ON A KILLING SPREE!!!
And here's the latest PISS OFF.
Abortion.
Holy fuck.
Biggest clash of religions and human rights or what!
Ok, my whole family as had some experience in this. An aunt of mine had one when she was younger due to rape. My cousin tried to terminate it HERSELF by having a hot bath and drinking and taking meds. She ended up in hospital in ICU because she was too afraid of "failing" her family. She's alright now. My mum had one, there's supposed to be a third between me and my brother but due to health complications it had to be terminated else my mum would've died.
None of them really wanted to but HAD to.
Then there's me. It's a long story as to how and why. I won't go into it on here. If you really want to know, you can ask me yourself. I'm quite comfortable talking about it.
Anyway, those who know my past and what I'm like, know that it just takes two words to really break me down into small little pieces which then unleashes some mad blood-lusting maniac.
A Jehovah's Witness came to call. No one was home but me so I answered (unaware of who it was!). First thing she talks to me about is abortion and how it was murder for the young foetuses who can still feel pain. I didn't actually hear anymore. My face had filled with angry blood and I slammed the door and collapsed on the floor infront of my dragons.
And I cried.
For a whole hour. Non stop. And I had no one to hold, no one to tell, no one. Jess was at work. Jamie is working. And I didn't want to bother Rob about it. To be honest I'm not sure if he knows or not. I'm hoping he knows how lucky he is that she is at least still alive.
Anyway, after my breakdown, I went out in the garden and used my sai's, my normal stress relief and then I turned to my dragons for some cuddles. And they did, they sat with me for half hour without moving. Then I fed them some crickets as a "thank you".
My message to anyone else who wants to preach to me:
Fuck off.
I'm not interested.
I have my own beliefs. I have my own views.
Save it for someone who cares.
This bitch has her own mind made up.
----------------------------------
Hush my child, don't you cry
You want to go where Angels fly
Hush my darling, stop those tears
I'm here to scare away your fears
Be quiet my child and go to sleep
Try to stay in the world of dreams
Be quiet my darling I'm here with you
Even if daddy never wanted to
Lay still my child and close your eyes
In the dark will dance your fairy lights
Lay still my darling and dream of a place
Like those in fairy tales and far away
Sleep tight my child, I will never leave
I'll pray for your life of love and peace
Sleep tight my darling, the demons are gone
I banished them back to where they came from
I'll stay and watch your small face smile
My love, my life, my mind, my child
God they do my head in.
You know, I have respect for religion. At school I was quite intrigued by the Jews and their laws and whatnot. Same as Budhism and Islaam. Couldn't stand the Muslims though.
Anyway, yes I respect your views and beliefs. Yes by all means do as you see fit which complies with your rules. BUT DO NOT I repeat DO NOT preach your crap to me expecting me to bow down to it!! I HATE being told what to do by someone who is NOT in the position nor have the RIGHT to tell me what to do with my life!!
He is YOUR God.
They are YOUR beliefs.
YOU burn in hell!!
I ESPECIALLY hate those fuckers in America who use emotional blackmail or some other form of abuse or kidnapping, just to get people to convert to their side!! YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME WANT TO GO ON A KILLING SPREE!!!
And here's the latest PISS OFF.
Abortion.
Holy fuck.
Biggest clash of religions and human rights or what!
Ok, my whole family as had some experience in this. An aunt of mine had one when she was younger due to rape. My cousin tried to terminate it HERSELF by having a hot bath and drinking and taking meds. She ended up in hospital in ICU because she was too afraid of "failing" her family. She's alright now. My mum had one, there's supposed to be a third between me and my brother but due to health complications it had to be terminated else my mum would've died.
None of them really wanted to but HAD to.
Then there's me. It's a long story as to how and why. I won't go into it on here. If you really want to know, you can ask me yourself. I'm quite comfortable talking about it.
Anyway, those who know my past and what I'm like, know that it just takes two words to really break me down into small little pieces which then unleashes some mad blood-lusting maniac.
A Jehovah's Witness came to call. No one was home but me so I answered (unaware of who it was!). First thing she talks to me about is abortion and how it was murder for the young foetuses who can still feel pain. I didn't actually hear anymore. My face had filled with angry blood and I slammed the door and collapsed on the floor infront of my dragons.
And I cried.
For a whole hour. Non stop. And I had no one to hold, no one to tell, no one. Jess was at work. Jamie is working. And I didn't want to bother Rob about it. To be honest I'm not sure if he knows or not. I'm hoping he knows how lucky he is that she is at least still alive.
Anyway, after my breakdown, I went out in the garden and used my sai's, my normal stress relief and then I turned to my dragons for some cuddles. And they did, they sat with me for half hour without moving. Then I fed them some crickets as a "thank you".
My message to anyone else who wants to preach to me:
Fuck off.
I'm not interested.
I have my own beliefs. I have my own views.
Save it for someone who cares.
This bitch has her own mind made up.
----------------------------------
Hush my child, don't you cry
You want to go where Angels fly
Hush my darling, stop those tears
I'm here to scare away your fears
Be quiet my child and go to sleep
Try to stay in the world of dreams
Be quiet my darling I'm here with you
Even if daddy never wanted to
Lay still my child and close your eyes
In the dark will dance your fairy lights
Lay still my darling and dream of a place
Like those in fairy tales and far away
Sleep tight my child, I will never leave
I'll pray for your life of love and peace
Sleep tight my darling, the demons are gone
I banished them back to where they came from
I'll stay and watch your small face smile
My love, my life, my mind, my child
I Really Really Really
Want to watch Sweeney Todd! And I think I might just do that while having my dragons out with me!
Well last night was very fun! Was defintely what we needed!! Even the people around us found it
entertaining just to watch us fool around with the cameras! Jess won hands down for the funniest face ever!
Well it just says it all really.
Only other thing to add is that Tom has hired a new bar maid at work. And he wants me to come in to teach her! Woop!!
Well last night was very fun! Was defintely what we needed!! Even the people around us found it
entertaining just to watch us fool around with the cameras! Jess won hands down for the funniest face ever!
Well it just says it all really.
Only other thing to add is that Tom has hired a new bar maid at work. And he wants me to come in to teach her! Woop!!
Wednesday 21 May 2008
OH MY GOD!!!
Look what I found!!! (click on the image for full size)
Thats year 7, and this is in year 10!!
Where in the hell did I go wrong??
Thats year 7, and this is in year 10!!
Where in the hell did I go wrong??
Ok, lets do this!! Here's a load of other baby photos!! Get it done and dusted and out the way so that JASON HAS NOTHING ON MY ASS ON MY 21ST!!
Wow and thts to this present day... This is more like a bloody time line than anything else. Can't do anything right can I!
Tuesday 20 May 2008
Sweeney Todd + Dragons
Well where do I start.
My dragons - Barker is ill. The black crickets I bought last time have given him an upset tummy. He crapped on my hand yesterday morning. Dear god it was worse than changing a baby's nappy at the worst of times! I haven't had him out since just incase. He's quite constipated due to the crickets being a little too big for him. Tomorrow he should be all clear but I'm still concerned as he's spent nearly all of the day under the heat lamp which suggests he's having trouble digesting. Mrs Lovett is showing signs that she may very well be - a He! There are bumps under the back legs which look suspiciously like the scent pores on a male. I'm not 100% sure but I'm pretty damn close. Barker is still too young to tell. Give it another couple of weeks and both of them may very well be sexed. In other words, I'll know the gender. Not them mating. They don't mate until they're 2 years old. Yes I've done my research.
Sweeney Todd - Best film ever!! Actually made me cry today as I had to watch everything involving Johanna which I normally skip cos I just wanna see and sing to the good songs! I have also decided that for Halloween this year, I will be dressing up as Mrs Lovett. Costume, hair and make up too. I'm going the whole way! Whats even better is that it's a Friday night so I will more than likely be working! Also to add to the costume, I will have a fake razor down my corset. Hehe! I have already started looking for some costumes tho I think I will have to resort to a victorian style dress from the Antiques (antics) in New Milton. I'm also getting Jess to do my hair in the exact same style and hopefully get Jason to do my make up, or at least give me some stuff that will do what I need! I'm already looking forward to it!
Tattoo - I've managed to do my final design however it's not quite finished. The twined tail needs to be longer as Rob marked where my trousers were and not where the bottom of my spine is (silly man! Love you really =D ) so I'm going to change that on Friday before I go to work that night. Next I will be sending it to Jason, he will be air brushing it onto my back to make sure that everything is right and to do any more adjustments to it as needed. Finally it will then be sent to the tattooist - The Illustrated Man. He is the only guy who can do gradient art work as he is an artist himself! And because he and my godfather are good friends, he will more than likely do this for me! It's going to cost approx £600 (due to gradient work) and maybe more if I add colour (may do inside the heart). May take approx 10 hours of work, requiring 2 sessions (of 5 hours or more) so basically be there for 2 days. It's going to be fooking amazing when I get it done!! Really can't wait!
However, on that note, I'm wondering if I'm taking on too much at once. Money wise. I need to save up for this holiday in September. I need to put money in the bank and on top of that I still need to pay my mum. And amongst all that, I need money to look after my dragons, I want to save money for my tattoo, save for this holiday, save for mine and Jess's 21st holiday/birthday bash, can I really do it? I get paid £180 odd a week for 34 hours. £20 goes to tax and £100 goes to my mum. If I don't pay the £100 then I have to pay at least £30 for rent but there's only so many payments I can miss. £10 of whats left goes towards my dragons. £20 a month for credit. £10 on my card and what does that leave me? Approx £20 a week is left for me! £40 if I don't have to top up. So still leaves me with £20 to put away 3 out of 4 weeks of the month. And where does that go? Well I don't know. I want to put it away for my tattoo. But my priorities is for the holiday first.
And here in lies the arguement within my head. . .
My tattoo is more important to me (as much as I hate to say it but I know its true, I'm not going to lie about it).
The holiday is on a fixed date (so I can't push it back or anything where as I can the tattoo)
It's with Rob!! (the holiday that is - so it's going to be amazing!)
My tattoo is a part of me and the sooner I get it the better
This is where it just keeps going round in bloody circles! By rights the holiday wins as its a fixed date and can't be pushed back where as my tattoo can be done whenever. If I could get the tattoo done for free tomorrow and get it done right then I'd miss work for it! I wouldn't care, I'd do it! I'd do anything to get it done! But I must stick to my priorities.
And finally, onto the best events of my psychotic and neurotic life! My other half - Rob! I am so incredibly happy in my life because of him. I have a best mate, she has a boyfriend who I get along with really well, I'm on good terms with my parents, I have my own pets who I love and adore (according to my zodiac, I love my pets more than I do family members!), I have a job I love and the only thing that was missing was someone who loved me and treated me right. That was until he came along! My heart was missing a hole and he's filled it up nicely. Infact my life is currently over flowing with happiness and nothing can bring me down. I've never had so much going for me at any one time. Every morning I awake with a smile and wonder what the day holds for me and what is going to make me laugh the most. My nicknames at work are the following: Angel, Smiler, Gorgeous, Princess, Drummer Girl. That last one makes me smile the most. For obvious reasons! And for some reason, Mr Earwicker (a regular and an old man who my mum knows!) seems to think my name is Louise. I've corrected him before but it doesn't seem to stick so I haven't bothered anymore!
Anyway, I could go on about how awesome my life is but I fear some people may get a little bit envious! And start pranking me just to bring some sort of annoyance to my day (hahahahahahaha!! You foolish girl. I know who you are Fraggle. Or should I call you - Becks Alsford. Busted much? HAHA!) And to leave with a smile, I've posted the most funniest photo, I have seen for days! I'm sorry Jess, it just had to be done!!
And just so you dont get all huffy and annoyed with me I will post a stupid one of both of us so we're even!
And on that disaster of a photo - I leave you with todays anecdote of insanity. And oh what pure insanity it is!
Written while listening to:
Devildriver
3 Doors Down
The Subways
Wumpscut
My dragons - Barker is ill. The black crickets I bought last time have given him an upset tummy. He crapped on my hand yesterday morning. Dear god it was worse than changing a baby's nappy at the worst of times! I haven't had him out since just incase. He's quite constipated due to the crickets being a little too big for him. Tomorrow he should be all clear but I'm still concerned as he's spent nearly all of the day under the heat lamp which suggests he's having trouble digesting. Mrs Lovett is showing signs that she may very well be - a He! There are bumps under the back legs which look suspiciously like the scent pores on a male. I'm not 100% sure but I'm pretty damn close. Barker is still too young to tell. Give it another couple of weeks and both of them may very well be sexed. In other words, I'll know the gender. Not them mating. They don't mate until they're 2 years old. Yes I've done my research.
Sweeney Todd - Best film ever!! Actually made me cry today as I had to watch everything involving Johanna which I normally skip cos I just wanna see and sing to the good songs! I have also decided that for Halloween this year, I will be dressing up as Mrs Lovett. Costume, hair and make up too. I'm going the whole way! Whats even better is that it's a Friday night so I will more than likely be working! Also to add to the costume, I will have a fake razor down my corset. Hehe! I have already started looking for some costumes tho I think I will have to resort to a victorian style dress from the Antiques (antics) in New Milton. I'm also getting Jess to do my hair in the exact same style and hopefully get Jason to do my make up, or at least give me some stuff that will do what I need! I'm already looking forward to it!
Tattoo - I've managed to do my final design however it's not quite finished. The twined tail needs to be longer as Rob marked where my trousers were and not where the bottom of my spine is (silly man! Love you really =D ) so I'm going to change that on Friday before I go to work that night. Next I will be sending it to Jason, he will be air brushing it onto my back to make sure that everything is right and to do any more adjustments to it as needed. Finally it will then be sent to the tattooist - The Illustrated Man. He is the only guy who can do gradient art work as he is an artist himself! And because he and my godfather are good friends, he will more than likely do this for me! It's going to cost approx £600 (due to gradient work) and maybe more if I add colour (may do inside the heart). May take approx 10 hours of work, requiring 2 sessions (of 5 hours or more) so basically be there for 2 days. It's going to be fooking amazing when I get it done!! Really can't wait!However, on that note, I'm wondering if I'm taking on too much at once. Money wise. I need to save up for this holiday in September. I need to put money in the bank and on top of that I still need to pay my mum. And amongst all that, I need money to look after my dragons, I want to save money for my tattoo, save for this holiday, save for mine and Jess's 21st holiday/birthday bash, can I really do it? I get paid £180 odd a week for 34 hours. £20 goes to tax and £100 goes to my mum. If I don't pay the £100 then I have to pay at least £30 for rent but there's only so many payments I can miss. £10 of whats left goes towards my dragons. £20 a month for credit. £10 on my card and what does that leave me? Approx £20 a week is left for me! £40 if I don't have to top up. So still leaves me with £20 to put away 3 out of 4 weeks of the month. And where does that go? Well I don't know. I want to put it away for my tattoo. But my priorities is for the holiday first.
And here in lies the arguement within my head. . .
My tattoo is more important to me (as much as I hate to say it but I know its true, I'm not going to lie about it).
The holiday is on a fixed date (so I can't push it back or anything where as I can the tattoo)
It's with Rob!! (the holiday that is - so it's going to be amazing!)
My tattoo is a part of me and the sooner I get it the better
This is where it just keeps going round in bloody circles! By rights the holiday wins as its a fixed date and can't be pushed back where as my tattoo can be done whenever. If I could get the tattoo done for free tomorrow and get it done right then I'd miss work for it! I wouldn't care, I'd do it! I'd do anything to get it done! But I must stick to my priorities.
And finally, onto the best events of my psychotic and neurotic life! My other half - Rob! I am so incredibly happy in my life because of him. I have a best mate, she has a boyfriend who I get along with really well, I'm on good terms with my parents, I have my own pets who I love and adore (according to my zodiac, I love my pets more than I do family members!), I have a job I love and the only thing that was missing was someone who loved me and treated me right. That was until he came along! My heart was missing a hole and he's filled it up nicely. Infact my life is currently over flowing with happiness and nothing can bring me down. I've never had so much going for me at any one time. Every morning I awake with a smile and wonder what the day holds for me and what is going to make me laugh the most. My nicknames at work are the following: Angel, Smiler, Gorgeous, Princess, Drummer Girl. That last one makes me smile the most. For obvious reasons! And for some reason, Mr Earwicker (a regular and an old man who my mum knows!) seems to think my name is Louise. I've corrected him before but it doesn't seem to stick so I haven't bothered anymore!Anyway, I could go on about how awesome my life is but I fear some people may get a little bit envious! And start pranking me just to bring some sort of annoyance to my day (hahahahahahaha!! You foolish girl. I know who you are Fraggle. Or should I call you - Becks Alsford. Busted much? HAHA!) And to leave with a smile, I've posted the most funniest photo, I have seen for days! I'm sorry Jess, it just had to be done!!
And just so you dont get all huffy and annoyed with me I will post a stupid one of both of us so we're even!
And on that disaster of a photo - I leave you with todays anecdote of insanity. And oh what pure insanity it is!
Written while listening to:
Devildriver
3 Doors Down
The Subways
Wumpscut
Monday 12 May 2008
If Only
It's all so good. Life is so great.
I don't know what to write. I guess the only reason I'm writing anyway is out of habit.
I have nothing to moan about, to complain about, nothing worrying me, making me nervous, nothing drowning me.
My life . . .
is perfect!
I have everything I need. I have the love of my life. I have the best friends I could ever ask for. I have a family supporting me all the way.
I am at peace with everything and everyone. This is how I've always dreamed my life.
Sweet.
Steady.
So right.
Total Bliss
I don't know what to write. I guess the only reason I'm writing anyway is out of habit.
I have nothing to moan about, to complain about, nothing worrying me, making me nervous, nothing drowning me.
My life . . .
is perfect!
I have everything I need. I have the love of my life. I have the best friends I could ever ask for. I have a family supporting me all the way.
I am at peace with everything and everyone. This is how I've always dreamed my life.
Sweet.
Steady.
So right.
Total Bliss
Saturday 10 May 2008
Another Statement;; Another Day Dream
Just what in the hell are you trying to do?
You think calling me in morning hours is going to deter me? You think phoning my parents is going to deter them? They know him better than you do! I don't think you even know him at all, I think you just don't want me to be happy!
Well guess what? Your interference made us stronger. Made me and my parents stronger. You've made my parents actually like him and they've given me their blessing with him!! So I thank you.
Onto other notes.
All this happiness in my life is something I am not used to. With every relationship I've had, there has always been some insecurities. Granted I know I need to lose weight but I'm not overly concerned that my weight is going to put him off. So long as I don't get bigger that is. My mother says it's because I'm maturing. I'm becoming wiser. And the fact that he is also mature and older, means he's more responsible for his actions, more wiser with his decisions and I think this is an aspect my parents love!
However, my care free attitude at the moment is some what scary for myself. I do not want to become swallowed in this vortex of dreams and think that nothing is and never will be - wrong. I may end up over looking something and then have it all blow up in my face. So despite how much my heart and soul wish to jump 5 metres up into the air and shout and scream with joy, I will keep it quiet (a little) and remain calm (as much as possible).
Work is going exceedinly well. At least I think so anyway. I love my job and the people I work with, staff and customers. I hope I make them proud. I guess I'm a little nervous and in myself I feel like I'm constantly shy but somehow I manage to hold myself well and no one seems to notice that I'm even shy at all!
My dragons are now about 2 months old. I had them out of the tank for about an hour, half hour in the morning, half hour after feeding. Lovett was even sat on my lap while I stroked her and she was quite happy sat there.
Right I must leave it at that, I am due at work in an hour and I've yet to get in the shower and changed and ready. Sometimes I hate make up, other times, I love it. Love hate relationship!
Written while listening to: The Subways - Girls & Boys
You think calling me in morning hours is going to deter me? You think phoning my parents is going to deter them? They know him better than you do! I don't think you even know him at all, I think you just don't want me to be happy!
Well guess what? Your interference made us stronger. Made me and my parents stronger. You've made my parents actually like him and they've given me their blessing with him!! So I thank you.
Onto other notes.
All this happiness in my life is something I am not used to. With every relationship I've had, there has always been some insecurities. Granted I know I need to lose weight but I'm not overly concerned that my weight is going to put him off. So long as I don't get bigger that is. My mother says it's because I'm maturing. I'm becoming wiser. And the fact that he is also mature and older, means he's more responsible for his actions, more wiser with his decisions and I think this is an aspect my parents love!
However, my care free attitude at the moment is some what scary for myself. I do not want to become swallowed in this vortex of dreams and think that nothing is and never will be - wrong. I may end up over looking something and then have it all blow up in my face. So despite how much my heart and soul wish to jump 5 metres up into the air and shout and scream with joy, I will keep it quiet (a little) and remain calm (as much as possible).
Work is going exceedinly well. At least I think so anyway. I love my job and the people I work with, staff and customers. I hope I make them proud. I guess I'm a little nervous and in myself I feel like I'm constantly shy but somehow I manage to hold myself well and no one seems to notice that I'm even shy at all!
My dragons are now about 2 months old. I had them out of the tank for about an hour, half hour in the morning, half hour after feeding. Lovett was even sat on my lap while I stroked her and she was quite happy sat there.Right I must leave it at that, I am due at work in an hour and I've yet to get in the shower and changed and ready. Sometimes I hate make up, other times, I love it. Love hate relationship!
Written while listening to: The Subways - Girls & Boys
Thursday 8 May 2008
A quick note as I'm due at work in 20 minutes.
Everything is going - amazingly well!!
My parents are warming up to him, everyone else loves him too and think we make a cute couple.
Well, take a look for yourself.
We had a photoshoot and all the photos that came out were incredible. I want to show the world. I'm so proud and so happy!
Friday 2 May 2008
Goth Night!
Tonight! Sound Circus! Bournemouth!
I'm going, Rob's coming (woooo!), Megs, Njal, My godfather and a mate of his are all coming! It's going to be so amazing!
I've had the night booked off work and it's been accepted even though its the start of the Bank Holiday weekend. It's going to be awesome!! Expect pictures galore!! The best thing about it is that my godfather will be able to meet Rob! I'm really looking forward to them meeting and hope that Jason approves.
Anyway, keep it short and sweet, I need to experiment with make up ready for tonight!!
Wednesday 30 April 2008
It's All Good
Things have just got better and better!
Stayed round his Monday all day, even through his teachings. Was awesome!! Then Tuesday was Jess's birthday and he came after teaching for a few drinks and that was cool! Now Friday we're all going down Sound Circus!! It's gonna be amazing!! I really can't wait!!
I'm so secure with things, I started a scrap book all about us and he currently has it and is adding his own little piece to it! Brian gave him counselling and told Rob that we're made for each other and Rob agrees. I laughed like a little school girl! I was so shy yet so happy!
Btw - loving Emilie Autumn!!!
Wednesday 16 April 2008
So Soft, So Sweet
My life.
My soul.
My heart.
My mind.
I have never felt so alive.
I cannot give you the words to describe how I feel with Rob.
It's an entirely new level of feelings that I never even knew existed.
This is for keeps!
My soul.
My heart.
My mind.
I have never felt so alive.
I cannot give you the words to describe how I feel with Rob.
It's an entirely new level of feelings that I never even knew existed.
This is for keeps!
Saturday 12 April 2008
Best Days Of My Life
Are just around the corner.
Ever since turning 20, my life has taken a turn for the better. I have a job that I thoroughly enjoy. I love the people I work with and the people I serve. I have the most sweetest and cutest boyfriend ever. I have no worries, insecurities or other emotional troubles. I am about to become lead singer for a rock band, first gig on 5th May down Poole, got a photo shoot on 21st April. Busy busy!
Well what can I say? Everything - is perfect!
I have updated my website - www.missdeadangel.piczo.com if your interested. Rob also has his website up too!! www.roblaceydrumteacher.com he's got some old photos up of him and my god, I fell for him all over again!
This is paradise. This is heaven.
I finally have the life I've always wanted!
Ever since turning 20, my life has taken a turn for the better. I have a job that I thoroughly enjoy. I love the people I work with and the people I serve. I have the most sweetest and cutest boyfriend ever. I have no worries, insecurities or other emotional troubles. I am about to become lead singer for a rock band, first gig on 5th May down Poole, got a photo shoot on 21st April. Busy busy!
Well what can I say? Everything - is perfect!
I have updated my website - www.missdeadangel.piczo.com if your interested. Rob also has his website up too!! www.roblaceydrumteacher.com he's got some old photos up of him and my god, I fell for him all over again!
This is paradise. This is heaven.
I finally have the life I've always wanted!
Wednesday 9 April 2008
You Just Will Not Leave It Alone Will You
For once I wasn't worried about whether it was real or not. I figured that because of how old he is, he's not just after some fuck around. He'd be mature enough to want something more than something so damned meaningless. And I didn't even give it a second thought!!
Until today.
People at work were asking how my life was going and one even asked why I was quiet. I was quiet
I was quiet because I was thinking about tomorrow. I was really excited but I didn't want to show it. I was wondering about what might happen, what might be said. Like I always do. And I told them I was thinking about him. Obviously they then started asking questions. So I answered them. I told them that I thought he may be looking for something serious.
They all laughed at me.
Tom even said "at his age, if he's still single, he grab whatever he can get". That hurt.
Does that mean I'm easily impressed? Does that mean that my entire plan of taking things slow - has just gone out the window? Am I really that easy?
I don't want to think that he's only in it for fun. I don't want to think that he said those things because he thought I was easy because I'm younger. But after they all ripped shit out of me, saying I'd got it all wrong and that I was only fooling myself, I felt like shit. I still do. I'm near to tears just thinking about it. How they laughed in my face. How they all thought that this would go no where. It hurts.
I really want to ask him. Text him now and get an answer before I fall too deep into this. But I don't know if I should or just wait til I see him tomorrow and ask him face to face.
I can already see it. I go in half hour before he's due to arrive. Have my pint. And while I'm waiting, Tom will rip shit out of me. I won't be able to take it. I'll storm off out the back. Punch the table, then sit down to collect my thoughts and calm down. I will tell Rob tomorrow, if he wants just fun then to walk away now and never look back. But if he thinks there could be something here, then to stay with me.
Why am I so afraid that he's going to walk away?
He can't just be meaning fun, he's told his family about me and they're really eager to meet me! You wouldn't tell your family if it didn't mean anything to you!
Would you?
For once in my life I had no insecurities about something!! But you had to go fuck it up.
Until today.
People at work were asking how my life was going and one even asked why I was quiet. I was quiet
I was quiet because I was thinking about tomorrow. I was really excited but I didn't want to show it. I was wondering about what might happen, what might be said. Like I always do. And I told them I was thinking about him. Obviously they then started asking questions. So I answered them. I told them that I thought he may be looking for something serious.
They all laughed at me.
Tom even said "at his age, if he's still single, he grab whatever he can get". That hurt.
Does that mean I'm easily impressed? Does that mean that my entire plan of taking things slow - has just gone out the window? Am I really that easy?
I don't want to think that he's only in it for fun. I don't want to think that he said those things because he thought I was easy because I'm younger. But after they all ripped shit out of me, saying I'd got it all wrong and that I was only fooling myself, I felt like shit. I still do. I'm near to tears just thinking about it. How they laughed in my face. How they all thought that this would go no where. It hurts.
I really want to ask him. Text him now and get an answer before I fall too deep into this. But I don't know if I should or just wait til I see him tomorrow and ask him face to face.
I can already see it. I go in half hour before he's due to arrive. Have my pint. And while I'm waiting, Tom will rip shit out of me. I won't be able to take it. I'll storm off out the back. Punch the table, then sit down to collect my thoughts and calm down. I will tell Rob tomorrow, if he wants just fun then to walk away now and never look back. But if he thinks there could be something here, then to stay with me.
Why am I so afraid that he's going to walk away?
He can't just be meaning fun, he's told his family about me and they're really eager to meet me! You wouldn't tell your family if it didn't mean anything to you!
Would you?
For once in my life I had no insecurities about something!! But you had to go fuck it up.
Tuesday 8 April 2008
A Matter Of The Heart
Well I've established that the other guy was nothing but a rebound. For him and me. I'm never doing that again! It ruined a perfectly good friendship. Fuck sake.
On a good note - I am head over heels for someone else!
What started as just standing behind the bar, watching him play the drums, other girls joining me in dreaming of him; has turned into something far more than I ever dreamed possible! Before the band played, all the girls were telling me how gorgeous and hot he is. They kept saying "look for the drummer!" and when I got chance, I did. I saw his face. I listened to his drumming. It made my heart beat with it. It shook through my body and made my spine tingle. They weren't joking when they said he was hot!
But I continued with my job. I thought that it was just dreams and nothing more and that he was way out of my league and even thought that he'd already have someone by his side or that he'd never go for me. I then saw his drum kit and fell for him even more!! Skulls were painted on his drums. I then wondered if maybe we did have something in common.
After they finished playing and it had quietened down, I went up and took a photo on my phone of his kit while he wasn't there. Instead another guy came upto me and at first, I panicked and thought I wasn't allowed to take photos! But he didn't tell me off, he started talking to me about the drummer. In the end told me to give him my email! I thought hell, why not, I've got nothing to lose. So I went back to work then gave the other guy my email. He told me to go up to the drummer and give it to him. Damn, I felt like a little school girl, shy and nervous about giving him a piece of paper. But I did it. We had a quick chat. Then I went back to work. I thought nothing more of it. I didn't think he would email me. Why would he pay attention to a little girl like me.
But he did!! He emailed me!! Talked to me about drumming, he could show me a few beats, gave me his number and even said about going out for a drink! Soon as I read that, I knew it had just shot from professional to personal! After exhanging a few emails we met up down the pub I work in. I brought Jess and Jamie along as I never go on a first date alone. Something my zodiac sign is to blame for! Aquarians bring friends on first dates but don't be pushed away by this - this is the best way to get to know them as they will be more open and friendly to you; something like that which is totally true for me!
So, our first "date" went well, he got on with my best mate which was really good sign for me! And her boyfriend and that was just hilarious! Well the next day at work, everyone was asking questions! Him and I were the talk of the pub. Everytime someone asked a question or said something about him, I went all girlie and shy. They could see clearly that I liked him. After few days of texting him, things were looking well! Yesterday I met up with him again. Shopping in Christchurch (bad influence!!) and then lunch down the beach with Jess and Jamie. It was so AMAZING!! He held my hand as walked to the clifftop, my heart was racing!! And while we sat down and chatted, he put his arm round me and I cuddled upto him! I wondered what else would happen but I was too caught in the moment to be thinking that much. Then when he dropped me home, we had our first kiss. And Oh - my - GOD!! Talk about heaven!! Argh I could've melted right there and then!! I didn't want it to end but I couldn't have the nieghbours see me and go telling to my dad. Thats my job! Though I'm pretty sure my dad knows. He's not that stupid.
Oh I miss him so much right now!!!
Well what can I say. After only 3 weeks of sadness, I got a job I love. Not even a month after being in my job, I somehow pull the fittest guy on earth!! The guy that every girl drools about and out of so many he could pick from, he's picked me. At least I think so anyway! Aha!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
On a good note - I am head over heels for someone else!
What started as just standing behind the bar, watching him play the drums, other girls joining me in dreaming of him; has turned into something far more than I ever dreamed possible! Before the band played, all the girls were telling me how gorgeous and hot he is. They kept saying "look for the drummer!" and when I got chance, I did. I saw his face. I listened to his drumming. It made my heart beat with it. It shook through my body and made my spine tingle. They weren't joking when they said he was hot!
But I continued with my job. I thought that it was just dreams and nothing more and that he was way out of my league and even thought that he'd already have someone by his side or that he'd never go for me. I then saw his drum kit and fell for him even more!! Skulls were painted on his drums. I then wondered if maybe we did have something in common.
After they finished playing and it had quietened down, I went up and took a photo on my phone of his kit while he wasn't there. Instead another guy came upto me and at first, I panicked and thought I wasn't allowed to take photos! But he didn't tell me off, he started talking to me about the drummer. In the end told me to give him my email! I thought hell, why not, I've got nothing to lose. So I went back to work then gave the other guy my email. He told me to go up to the drummer and give it to him. Damn, I felt like a little school girl, shy and nervous about giving him a piece of paper. But I did it. We had a quick chat. Then I went back to work. I thought nothing more of it. I didn't think he would email me. Why would he pay attention to a little girl like me.
But he did!! He emailed me!! Talked to me about drumming, he could show me a few beats, gave me his number and even said about going out for a drink! Soon as I read that, I knew it had just shot from professional to personal! After exhanging a few emails we met up down the pub I work in. I brought Jess and Jamie along as I never go on a first date alone. Something my zodiac sign is to blame for! Aquarians bring friends on first dates but don't be pushed away by this - this is the best way to get to know them as they will be more open and friendly to you; something like that which is totally true for me!
So, our first "date" went well, he got on with my best mate which was really good sign for me! And her boyfriend and that was just hilarious! Well the next day at work, everyone was asking questions! Him and I were the talk of the pub. Everytime someone asked a question or said something about him, I went all girlie and shy. They could see clearly that I liked him. After few days of texting him, things were looking well! Yesterday I met up with him again. Shopping in Christchurch (bad influence!!) and then lunch down the beach with Jess and Jamie. It was so AMAZING!! He held my hand as walked to the clifftop, my heart was racing!! And while we sat down and chatted, he put his arm round me and I cuddled upto him! I wondered what else would happen but I was too caught in the moment to be thinking that much. Then when he dropped me home, we had our first kiss. And Oh - my - GOD!! Talk about heaven!! Argh I could've melted right there and then!! I didn't want it to end but I couldn't have the nieghbours see me and go telling to my dad. Thats my job! Though I'm pretty sure my dad knows. He's not that stupid.
Oh I miss him so much right now!!!
Well what can I say. After only 3 weeks of sadness, I got a job I love. Not even a month after being in my job, I somehow pull the fittest guy on earth!! The guy that every girl drools about and out of so many he could pick from, he's picked me. At least I think so anyway! Aha!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Tuesday 1 April 2008
I Don't Care - Apocalyptica (It's How I Feel Right Now)
I try to make it through my life, in my way, there's you
I try to make it through these lies, that's all I do
Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it and deal with it, yeah
Just deal with it
You try to break me,
You wanna break me...bit by bit,
That’s just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care, I don't care
I try to make you see my side
Always trying to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting tired of this shit
I've got no room when it's like this
What you want of me just deal with it
(nothing can care about, nothing can care about)
(you won't be there for me, you won't be there for me)
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care, I don't care
I try to make it through these lies, that's all I do
Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it and deal with it, yeah
Just deal with it
You try to break me,
You wanna break me...bit by bit,
That’s just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care, I don't care
I try to make you see my side
Always trying to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting tired of this shit
I've got no room when it's like this
What you want of me just deal with it
(nothing can care about, nothing can care about)
(you won't be there for me, you won't be there for me)
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care, I don't care
Monday 31 March 2008
And Once Again - It Happens
Girl likes boy.
Boy likes girl.
Lets get together and see what happens!
That happens. . .
Ok, not quite sure what to do. He needs to sort out his head, he's got too much going through his mind right now. Ok, I can do that. I'll wait.
Next time I see him. Things happen again. We all got drunk. I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. I'd thought things were going to be ok. I thought things might actually get better seeing as the feelings were still there and somewhat strong as far as I knew. I thought we would actually give it a shot.
I'm wrong . . . again.
And I don't know how to feel.
I know he wouldn't use me! I know he wouldn't do anything if he didn't have any feelings for me!
But I understand the fact that he may have a little too much on his mind right now for a relatioship.
But I still feel so broken, I made the move to go for it. I trusted my heart and it hurts just that little bit more to know that it was a waste. Well not exactly a waste but its not like anything is going to happen anymore.
So I made a wrong move. So now I carry on and continue and try to make things right.
There's just one thing I'm pissed off about.
So a stranger starts talking to me. Is polite and gentle in approach. So I am polite in response! Get to know him, I start to be myself with my happy and bubbly attitude and the guy thinks I'm flirting with him and like him!!!! WHY!!! I'm just being myself!! Am I not allowed to laugh and smile without giving the wrong impression?! Christ sake!! Or is there no such thing anymore as a nice and chatty girl without classing it as flirting!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! If thats what you class as flirting then your gonna be bowled over when I actually do flirt!!!
Stupid fuckers thinking I'm that desperate. NO! FUCK OFF!
Boy likes girl.
Lets get together and see what happens!
That happens. . .
Ok, not quite sure what to do. He needs to sort out his head, he's got too much going through his mind right now. Ok, I can do that. I'll wait.
Next time I see him. Things happen again. We all got drunk. I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. I'd thought things were going to be ok. I thought things might actually get better seeing as the feelings were still there and somewhat strong as far as I knew. I thought we would actually give it a shot.
I'm wrong . . . again.
And I don't know how to feel.
I know he wouldn't use me! I know he wouldn't do anything if he didn't have any feelings for me!
But I understand the fact that he may have a little too much on his mind right now for a relatioship.
But I still feel so broken, I made the move to go for it. I trusted my heart and it hurts just that little bit more to know that it was a waste. Well not exactly a waste but its not like anything is going to happen anymore.
So I made a wrong move. So now I carry on and continue and try to make things right.
There's just one thing I'm pissed off about.
So a stranger starts talking to me. Is polite and gentle in approach. So I am polite in response! Get to know him, I start to be myself with my happy and bubbly attitude and the guy thinks I'm flirting with him and like him!!!! WHY!!! I'm just being myself!! Am I not allowed to laugh and smile without giving the wrong impression?! Christ sake!! Or is there no such thing anymore as a nice and chatty girl without classing it as flirting!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! If thats what you class as flirting then your gonna be bowled over when I actually do flirt!!!
Stupid fuckers thinking I'm that desperate. NO! FUCK OFF!
Friday 28 March 2008
Just One More Day
I can't give you the words that describe how I feel.
I feel like all my emotions are suspended in mid air, not knowing whether to fall or fly.
I'm back under the surface of the sea, walking along the bottom, occasionally looking up at the sun reflecting off the water surface and I wonder - will the light ever reach my face and warm my soul?
The bottom of this ocean is peaceful.
Strange how when at total peace, anyone can look like an angel.
I picture myself, a perfect body, a perfect face, mysterious purple eyes, a flowing dress that moves with me under this ocean. I picture myself as this - and I know that its no longer me.
Where am I going now? I do not know, I cannot tell. If only I was some kind of bionic person that could live underwater, I would be down there for days.
This is a new love for me. I love you as my best friend but also as more than that too. And I've never had these two feelings for the same person before. I don't know what to say. . .
I don't even know if I should tell you . . .
Maybe this time its my turn to bolt . . .
I feel like all my emotions are suspended in mid air, not knowing whether to fall or fly.
I'm back under the surface of the sea, walking along the bottom, occasionally looking up at the sun reflecting off the water surface and I wonder - will the light ever reach my face and warm my soul?
The bottom of this ocean is peaceful.
Strange how when at total peace, anyone can look like an angel.
I picture myself, a perfect body, a perfect face, mysterious purple eyes, a flowing dress that moves with me under this ocean. I picture myself as this - and I know that its no longer me.
Where am I going now? I do not know, I cannot tell. If only I was some kind of bionic person that could live underwater, I would be down there for days.
This is a new love for me. I love you as my best friend but also as more than that too. And I've never had these two feelings for the same person before. I don't know what to say. . .
I don't even know if I should tell you . . .
Maybe this time its my turn to bolt . . .
Wednesday 19 March 2008
Don't Say I Love You
I know you don't mean any harm. But please, don't say it. All your doing is hurting me.
Others have said exactly what you're saying. They said I was their everything. They said they would die without me. They said "I love you". Now I am nothing to them. They're perfectly fine without me. And those three words do nothing but cause a pain in my chest. Maybe it was just my bad luck that I didn't meet you first. And maybe your bad luck that your the last.
I've had enough of being told I am so much when I'm not. I've had enough of trusting someone with my heart, only to have it smashed into pieces. I don't want to do it again.
I'm taking it slow. I'm doing what I want to do. I'm making myself happy first.
Don't tell me you love me.
You only make me hurt.
I never thought I'd see the day when the three most amazing words in the world . . . are the ones that hurt the most. Now I understand when they say love hurts.
Others have said exactly what you're saying. They said I was their everything. They said they would die without me. They said "I love you". Now I am nothing to them. They're perfectly fine without me. And those three words do nothing but cause a pain in my chest. Maybe it was just my bad luck that I didn't meet you first. And maybe your bad luck that your the last.
I've had enough of being told I am so much when I'm not. I've had enough of trusting someone with my heart, only to have it smashed into pieces. I don't want to do it again.
I'm taking it slow. I'm doing what I want to do. I'm making myself happy first.
Don't tell me you love me.
You only make me hurt.
I never thought I'd see the day when the three most amazing words in the world . . . are the ones that hurt the most. Now I understand when they say love hurts.
Saturday 8 March 2008
Life Is Getting Better
It's been over a month now since me and Jonny split.
How am I?
I'm fucking fabulous!!
My job is freaking awesome for the sheer fact that my manager and his wife kick ass and I get along with everyone really well! Last night was damn right awesome! I got called in cos the new guy was sick and the whole night I covered pretty much on my own! Tom admitted that he'd been a right twat cos I'd been called in to cover and he was sat on his arse round the corner drinking with his mates the whole night but I didn't mind. Its good experience and I feel I coped well! At the end of the night he poured me a pint and I sat down with em and had a good laugh! Spent couple of hours jokin around and singing karaoke! Was so funny! Had about 3 pints and good lord, it is NOT fun cycling home pissed!!
The only thing bothering me is the fact that Jonny is being difficult with me. I wanna go over to get my stuff and then just get out. Jonny is saying that he's burnt my stuff or whatever. I don't understand why he's being such a prick about it all. But if he has burnt my stuff then there will be fucking trouble! I will nut the bastard, I don't care!! If he wants to be a selfish and difficult cunt about it all then fine with me!! I can be a right bitch too!!
Oh my god that Dan guy at work is so cute!!! It's like staring at a luxurious chocolate all day that I can't have. How freaking gay! Though Emma said that him and me would get on very well! He has a girlfriend but apparently he doesn't seem to care! So maybe there's a chance for me to step in! Who knows! Although Jason did tell me not to get involved with people from work incase it all goes tits up but I don't see him that much anyway as he works in the kitchen and I'm out on the bar. Hmm, just see how things go I think!
Ar I need sleep! But I can't sleep in the day which sucks ass but what can ya do!
So there it is! My life is getting better and I'm loving it!
I'm starting to realise that Jonny is nothing but a alcoholic living off benfits. He has no experience, no will power to even want a job, what's he gonna do when the benfits stop? He can't live off his parents forever. So he's gonna be a bum all his life. I'm glad I'm not there anymore. I'm starting the gym soon with Jamie. I have great friends without that prick bringing my down. He's a cocky bastard and thinks he's the next best thing. Fucking aint though. I can do better than him by a long shot.
Anyway yes I think thats enough of my rambellings! I could go on forever talking bout crap lol!!
How am I?
I'm fucking fabulous!!
My job is freaking awesome for the sheer fact that my manager and his wife kick ass and I get along with everyone really well! Last night was damn right awesome! I got called in cos the new guy was sick and the whole night I covered pretty much on my own! Tom admitted that he'd been a right twat cos I'd been called in to cover and he was sat on his arse round the corner drinking with his mates the whole night but I didn't mind. Its good experience and I feel I coped well! At the end of the night he poured me a pint and I sat down with em and had a good laugh! Spent couple of hours jokin around and singing karaoke! Was so funny! Had about 3 pints and good lord, it is NOT fun cycling home pissed!!
The only thing bothering me is the fact that Jonny is being difficult with me. I wanna go over to get my stuff and then just get out. Jonny is saying that he's burnt my stuff or whatever. I don't understand why he's being such a prick about it all. But if he has burnt my stuff then there will be fucking trouble! I will nut the bastard, I don't care!! If he wants to be a selfish and difficult cunt about it all then fine with me!! I can be a right bitch too!!
Oh my god that Dan guy at work is so cute!!! It's like staring at a luxurious chocolate all day that I can't have. How freaking gay! Though Emma said that him and me would get on very well! He has a girlfriend but apparently he doesn't seem to care! So maybe there's a chance for me to step in! Who knows! Although Jason did tell me not to get involved with people from work incase it all goes tits up but I don't see him that much anyway as he works in the kitchen and I'm out on the bar. Hmm, just see how things go I think!
Ar I need sleep! But I can't sleep in the day which sucks ass but what can ya do!
So there it is! My life is getting better and I'm loving it!
I'm starting to realise that Jonny is nothing but a alcoholic living off benfits. He has no experience, no will power to even want a job, what's he gonna do when the benfits stop? He can't live off his parents forever. So he's gonna be a bum all his life. I'm glad I'm not there anymore. I'm starting the gym soon with Jamie. I have great friends without that prick bringing my down. He's a cocky bastard and thinks he's the next best thing. Fucking aint though. I can do better than him by a long shot.
Anyway yes I think thats enough of my rambellings! I could go on forever talking bout crap lol!!
Sunday 24 February 2008
Call Me The One
Well after Thursday night, things seemed to go down hill. Only a tad bit and I'm not talking about me and Jonny.
Anyway, I'd rather not talk about it. Someone bragged. Another girl stuck her nose in. Wound Jonny right up, I told him the truth, we're ok now but I have gained two enemies which I didn't really want to do but what choice do I have.
Not much has happened. Maybe the only reason I'm on this is to pass the time.
Anyway, I'd rather not talk about it. Someone bragged. Another girl stuck her nose in. Wound Jonny right up, I told him the truth, we're ok now but I have gained two enemies which I didn't really want to do but what choice do I have.
Not much has happened. Maybe the only reason I'm on this is to pass the time.
Wednesday 20 February 2008
Moving Swiftly On
Well, over the past couple of weeks things had gotten worse. Jonny and I were constantly arguing every time we spoke but after a few days, we're ok. Turns out the reason he went for Fraggle was because he thought I'd gone off with Brett. Which I hadn't. But now he finds himself in a hole because Fraggle has fallen in love with him and he doesn't want to know. When I found out, I just burst out laughing!
Also found out from a reliable source that Jonny still loves me but doesn't think he'll ever want to get back with me. At first, I was a little sad and confused and all the information did was just fuck with my head. But now, I'm good. After having decent conversation with him the past week or so, I'm finally ok with anything he does. Yes I admit I still get a little jealous but after coming out of a long relationship, who wouldn't! I'm pretty sure he still gets a little jealous too. I have tried talking to him in a calm manner about the whole relationship but I think it is best left discussed face to face and this may not happen for a while. Which is fine with me.
Hopefully I will have a job by Monday. My birthday last Monday was good, went out for lunch with my family and tomorrow Brett is taking me out for lunch and then going down the pub with Jess and a few other friends for a piss up and I'm not paying for a single drink! So it's all good!
To be honest, I really don't want a boyfriend or any kind of relationship at this time. I may feel like I'm over Jonny but I know that my heart is still holding on and I just deny it. I admit that it has been easier recently with being able to talk comfortably with Jonny and just being friends. After deleting me off all his profiles he then added me and has now put me back on his top friends which I find is a step forward!
I'll still be going to Australia however I have had to move it back to September as I will not be able to clear all my debts and be able to save up for my flight and spending money between now and April. On top of that, Jess's mum has invited me to come on holiday with them to Devon for a week which I have happily accepted. It'll only be a couple of hundred and that's plus spending money so that will be good because on top of that, we get our own place while the rest of her family sit in seperate accommodation.
So, I'm now looking forward to a new start in my life!
Also found out from a reliable source that Jonny still loves me but doesn't think he'll ever want to get back with me. At first, I was a little sad and confused and all the information did was just fuck with my head. But now, I'm good. After having decent conversation with him the past week or so, I'm finally ok with anything he does. Yes I admit I still get a little jealous but after coming out of a long relationship, who wouldn't! I'm pretty sure he still gets a little jealous too. I have tried talking to him in a calm manner about the whole relationship but I think it is best left discussed face to face and this may not happen for a while. Which is fine with me.
Hopefully I will have a job by Monday. My birthday last Monday was good, went out for lunch with my family and tomorrow Brett is taking me out for lunch and then going down the pub with Jess and a few other friends for a piss up and I'm not paying for a single drink! So it's all good!
To be honest, I really don't want a boyfriend or any kind of relationship at this time. I may feel like I'm over Jonny but I know that my heart is still holding on and I just deny it. I admit that it has been easier recently with being able to talk comfortably with Jonny and just being friends. After deleting me off all his profiles he then added me and has now put me back on his top friends which I find is a step forward!
I'll still be going to Australia however I have had to move it back to September as I will not be able to clear all my debts and be able to save up for my flight and spending money between now and April. On top of that, Jess's mum has invited me to come on holiday with them to Devon for a week which I have happily accepted. It'll only be a couple of hundred and that's plus spending money so that will be good because on top of that, we get our own place while the rest of her family sit in seperate accommodation.
So, I'm now looking forward to a new start in my life!
Sunday 10 February 2008
Should've Seen It Coming
30th Jan 08
11:08am
If I write this on my net blog, he'll complain about it. So I'll do it here.
I feel like he doesn't want me here anymore. Or that there is something he is hiding.
Everytime I go to hug him or ask for a hug he sighs, complains or groans about it. It makes me feel so unwanted. He does the same if I kiss him a number of times, it's like he gets fed up of it. He especially does it if I make a move even if it has nothing to do with sex, he still complains about it and it makes me feel like he doesn't want to know anymore. I don't know where I stand now. At first, I could take it as a joke, but now I can't help but think that he means it. And maybe he does, I don't know.
I admit I am trying to make out with him but only because it makes me feel closer to him, and even if there is no sex, just lots of passionate kissing, still shows me that he still loves me. And right now there's none of that and it makes me wonder if he even still finds me attractive at all. I don't want to have another arguement for him to show me how he feels. But we haven't been very close since that day and hadn't been since New Years. I don't want it to be a once a month thing. Thats why we had the arguement in the first place so I'm trying to avoid it happening again but how can I do that if he complains at every fucking move I make!!!!
I am fucking trying to make this work cos I do fucking love him to pieces but I can't carry on as though there's nothing wrong! All his complaining upsets me, makes me feel like I'm nothing, that I'm not special to him anymore.
Right now he's asleep, and I'm crying.
I really do want to talk to him about it! But I'm afraid of what he might say. And if he tells me to put more effort into it - how can I if your putting me down all the time!! It's kinda hard for me to keep my self esteem up when you huff and sigh just because I asked for a hug! And then you hide yourself away just because I mentioned your cock. I don't have a disease or anything.
Why are you doing this? I don't want to be pushed away.
------------------------------------------------------
All the signs were there...
11:08am
If I write this on my net blog, he'll complain about it. So I'll do it here.
I feel like he doesn't want me here anymore. Or that there is something he is hiding.
Everytime I go to hug him or ask for a hug he sighs, complains or groans about it. It makes me feel so unwanted. He does the same if I kiss him a number of times, it's like he gets fed up of it. He especially does it if I make a move even if it has nothing to do with sex, he still complains about it and it makes me feel like he doesn't want to know anymore. I don't know where I stand now. At first, I could take it as a joke, but now I can't help but think that he means it. And maybe he does, I don't know.
I admit I am trying to make out with him but only because it makes me feel closer to him, and even if there is no sex, just lots of passionate kissing, still shows me that he still loves me. And right now there's none of that and it makes me wonder if he even still finds me attractive at all. I don't want to have another arguement for him to show me how he feels. But we haven't been very close since that day and hadn't been since New Years. I don't want it to be a once a month thing. Thats why we had the arguement in the first place so I'm trying to avoid it happening again but how can I do that if he complains at every fucking move I make!!!!
I am fucking trying to make this work cos I do fucking love him to pieces but I can't carry on as though there's nothing wrong! All his complaining upsets me, makes me feel like I'm nothing, that I'm not special to him anymore.
Right now he's asleep, and I'm crying.
I really do want to talk to him about it! But I'm afraid of what he might say. And if he tells me to put more effort into it - how can I if your putting me down all the time!! It's kinda hard for me to keep my self esteem up when you huff and sigh just because I asked for a hug! And then you hide yourself away just because I mentioned your cock. I don't have a disease or anything.
Why are you doing this? I don't want to be pushed away.
------------------------------------------------------
All the signs were there...
Thursday 7 February 2008
It Just Wasn't To Last
After all thats been said and done, it's finally come to an end.
He ended it.
What else am I to do? I can only hope and pray that maybe one day we'll be together again. He still wants to be friends and if he falls in love again with me, he'll try to get with me again.
What's the use.
He'll probably find another girl before he even thinks of me again.
My heart is shattered.
My head is all over the place.
My body is weak all over and has lost the will to do anything anymore.
I have cried so many tears that my eyes hurt yet there are still more to cry.
Am I ok?
Answer one:
I'm ok, I don't really have a choice so yes I'm ok.
Answer two:
I guess so.
Answer Three:
I'm not ok, I'm dying inside and my dreams have abandoned me.
I'd go for three.
I don't know. At first it was the most painful experience of my life.
OH GOD NO!!!!
I'm going through that damned phase!! At first you care, it hurts and you cry. Next, you're fine, can see why its happening and don't really care what happens next. Thats where I am now, but after that, It's complete misery!!!!!!
I keep wanting to cry. But I hold it back.
One day someone will make me feel like the most important person in the world . . .
That day will come when I end up in hospital.
He ended it.
What else am I to do? I can only hope and pray that maybe one day we'll be together again. He still wants to be friends and if he falls in love again with me, he'll try to get with me again.
What's the use.
He'll probably find another girl before he even thinks of me again.
My heart is shattered.
My head is all over the place.
My body is weak all over and has lost the will to do anything anymore.
I have cried so many tears that my eyes hurt yet there are still more to cry.
Am I ok?
Answer one:
I'm ok, I don't really have a choice so yes I'm ok.
Answer two:
I guess so.
Answer Three:
I'm not ok, I'm dying inside and my dreams have abandoned me.
I'd go for three.
I don't know. At first it was the most painful experience of my life.
OH GOD NO!!!!
I'm going through that damned phase!! At first you care, it hurts and you cry. Next, you're fine, can see why its happening and don't really care what happens next. Thats where I am now, but after that, It's complete misery!!!!!!
I keep wanting to cry. But I hold it back.
One day someone will make me feel like the most important person in the world . . .
That day will come when I end up in hospital.
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