So I've been let down. By quite a few people. And yes it upsets me, not so much as to cry but it just annoys me. I don't know why I should know everything, yet when something doesn't go according to plan, its like my whole world has been flipped upside down and I am unsure of how to react to it. Despite the fact that I in myself am not the most predictable of people.
My birthday, my 21st, I have no idea how thats going to turn out. I am getting such mixed responses from people. Seems that everyone is indulged with Uni or something. But isn't my birthday during the easter hols? Well all I know is that it's different for each place so god knows.
Take for instance one friend gave me an idea of what to do and was really excited about it. Turns out that now she's going on a trip with uni. I feel let down. But hold on. She's doing something that she enjoys, its her way of life what she's doing, I'm not going to stop her doing something that could very well turn out to be a once in a life time opportunity or could very well hold something that may change her life. Why should I hold her back? It's not my right to and I support her to go for it even if it means missing what she planned. I want her to do it, to take every opportunity that comes her way. And yet despite my positive attitude for her decision, I still feel upset that she's doing it. I accept what she's doing and I support it, but I just don't know how to deal with this feeling that there's something better to do.
All this dieting is putting stress on me, only a little, but its sending my mood swings all over the place. I nearly had a go at Rob for going to see Queen in November. WTF?! I shouldn't be having a go at him for something he wants to do and probably paid for long before meeting me! Obvious I didn't txt back, save me having to wrack my brain for something to say without sounding bitchy. Instead I just wait til I'm in a better mood before I txt him again. And at this rate, it could be a while. Past couple of days I've been really "clingy?" without even seeing him!! Well, ok more like, sending him msgs about how much he means to me and stuff. He rarely sends anything back that says the same and yet I still do it. Maybe hoping that he will. I don't know. And I hate that fact that when I'm walking round the bar, one of the posters that I made with a picture of him, stares at me as I walk past and soon I'm going to rip it down!! At the moment, I tend to wipe my mind of him when I'm working and if he does pop into my mind, I quickly change to the dragons. Now there's a whole load of endless questions for me to think about with them!
Right now I am unsure how Rob and I will turn out. Maybe its just my mood swing at the moment, who knows, but with my work slowly quietening down with the seasons, and his going steadily up constantly, how will we be able to make time for each other? I don't do well if I know I wont see him again for a long time. And I do even worse if I don't even know when I'll see him again. But once again, the good side of me will support him in every decision he makes, in his increase of work, his increase of popularity, his increase in being known amongst musicians. And even in the fear that I may be left behind, I still encourage him to go further. And this is how I've ended up in such fragile states so many times, I've put everyone else in front, told everyone else to do what they want to do disregarding whatever happens to me and often is the case, that I crash and fall without them. But I don't think about what happens to me, I don't think about that til its too late! But I don't want to hold people back on the account of me. But then I don't want to go futher if people didn't want me to.
I don't know why I'm so messed up. But then if everything was how it should be, there'd be no reason to live. If every day was the same, you would lose the will to even carry on. Without the drama, no matter how big or small, it makes each day different. If I wasn't spontaneous, I'd die boring. And thats no way to go.
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