Improvement

There is always something everyone could improve on. For me? It's to stop hiding things, its not lying so much, its just not telling. Lying would be if I covered it up with something else. But I don't. I just don't tell.

Why do I do it? Your guess is as good as mine. Ask me why I flinch every time someone raises their arm at me, now that I could answer. But I wont.

Usually I wont tell because I don't want to upset people, or I don't want to be shouted at (if its my parents). But whats the point. It always catches up with me anyway.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm just floating places. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I feel like I've always got to watch what I say or do, like I can't be myself anymore. I have to be "someone else".

Maybe its because things aren't so great at the moment. Maybe thats why I feel this way. Or maybe its because I feel like there's strings attached to everything. Like I'm tied down. I'm not much for horoscopes but I will agree that I hate being told what to do when it's my choice, aquarians like to be free. And we get aggrevated when kept down or in like a prison. Thats why I left home in the first place. Nothing was my choice anymore. Now I come here and I still have rules. I admit that I understand why and I'm willing to abide by them, I can tolerate nearly anything. No one has made me blow a fuse to such an extent that I go nuts. And sometimes thats annoying becuase I'll want to go nuts, but inside I just cannot find it in me to let it all go. I just sigh, and it all goes with that one breath. Who would've thought all the anger inside would just fly out with one sigh.

I'm sorry I'm just blabbing on now but I just need to talk. I haven't spoken to anyone properly today and I'm already feeling the pressure of having just the smallest things bottled up. Like I want to say something to Jonny, only a few words but I can't. I know he's still angry with me and I'm prepared to give him the time and space he needs to let him decide what he wants to do.

I'm too scared to do a tarot reading. Last time I did one, it told me a relationship would end. And it did, twice. I don't want to read that again. I already promised myself that if it happened a third time I would leave for good and never speak nor see him again. But I don't want to do that. Nor do I want to see it in the tarot. It's so accurate it scares me. And its the deck that was blessed and smudged just for my use. I'm not one for magic and wiccan or pagan magic but the tarot cards I put my faith in.

Anyway, I'm so lonely right now. And cold. And lost. I feel so disappointed in myself for not doing what I should have done a month ago. I feel I've let myself down, and him. I tried so hard to make things better and I thought keeping my mouth shut was the right thing to do. But it isn't. I feel like I should just go back to school and see if I'm any smarter than what I was 6 years ago. Probably not.