I Know I Shouldn't But I Am

[[ I know I shouldn't, but I am;; I'm jealous of everything he has]]

Someone once said to me that the reason I fell for him in the first place is because he leads the life I wish I had. I'm starting to wonder if thats true. It's definitely why I'm jealous.

He has a social life. I have nothing. My evenings are spent on this damned computer doing nothing but fucking around with profiles from various internet sites just to keep me from getting so bored that I actually do my college work. I guess I should really but not being able to think nor having the determination to do it doesn't help either.
He does what ever he wants. I can't. His parents allow him to do whatever when ever and know he has independence and that he'll look after himself. My parents won't let me do jack shit.
He has lots of friends nearby. I have 4 friends within easy distance. Thats pathetic. Hence why I have no social life. One friend is a slut wanna-be yet still wants to keep her dignity which vanished along with the dildo that she lost it to. The second friend is so "christian" that she won't even touch alcohol. She doesn't have a job, go out or anything. Her hobbies include Pokemon, YuGiOh and her dog! My third friend just doesn't have the time recently and for the whole year we've known each other, we've never really hung out and I've only just asked! My fourth friend is the furthest and he has a daughter. Him and his girlfriend are really cool to talk to and hang out with but I know I'll just end up spilling my troubles to them and crying my eyes out and I don't like doing that to people. I have one more, my godfather. But he's often busy or in another country or down in Frome. I do wish he was here now though.
He has places he can go. I live in the middle of a forest. New Milton is nothing and the forest isn't that much fun on your own.
He doesn't have to work. He has the whole day to do whatever. I'd like that once in a while. And he can go out in the evening and not have to worry what time he's back as he's got nothing to do the next day. I'm sure that would get boring after a while but I've not had it for years.

I am so fucking jealous!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I hate myself even more for feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like this. Worst of all, I get REALLY jealous when some other girl has his attention other than me.

I hate this. I hate myself. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm such an idiot.