I feel safe.
Yet I think I'm going crazy.
Is it a good sign if you know you're losing your mind, but you don't mind? Just let it carry on.
How does it feel to be "one". To be in complete harmony with yourself. To be in Nirvana.
I feel like this everytime he holds me in his arms.
I don't want to leave.
I don't want to let go.
I just forget everything.
I forget all my problems.
I forget what I'm thinking.
And I just dream . . .
I feel his warmth.
Hear his heart beating.
Hear his breathing.
I feel his soul.
And it is over powering.
Some people thought you could never feel like this until you die.
So would that make this heaven?
To feel completely free.
I want to do something! But I don't know what.
I want to say something! But it's all just a mumble of words.
I want to make him feel the same! But I am not that great.
I am not God.
I am just little me.
One day, I shall have a career to be proud of. One day I shall have my own family with a happy marriage that I always dreamed of as a child. I will love my children and my husband with everything I am, body, mind and soul. One day.
One day.
I wonder if it will ever happen . . . .
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
A Pleasure Again
Well after my last rant, I feel much better. I think it was time that "thing" was over and done with.
Onto other news, I feel like I should be doing more with my life. Such as . . . PLAY COD:MW2!!!
Lollage.
I am currently at Nathan's while he packs the car with his kit ready for practice tonight.
Lately I've been having . . . visions? Or what you might call De Ja Vu. But I've been having it to an extreme. Everytime it happens, in the vision I want to say "Ooh, I've done this already" but then when it comes to it, I'm about to say it, and don't. I change what I dreamed. Now, for those who don't know, my dad broke his neck 2 hours into our holiday in Corfu back in May. He's fine but had to wear a neck brace for 8 months. What I don't remember is the dream I had about it. I had told my mum 2 weeks before we went to Corfu, that I had had a vision of my dad sat in the computer chair with a neck brace on. And I didn't know what it meant. I then totally forgot about it and it wasn't til couple of months ago that my mum told my dad what I had dreamt. He then shouted at me for not telling him else he'd have been more careful! But how was I supposed to know?!
Anyway, point being is that I'm starting to freak myself out. I freaked Nathan out a little last night when we were watching Drop Dead Fred and I said, "I've already seen this with you" and he looked totally confused as he had never seen Drop Dead Fred before. I had dreamt it.
My dad is convinced that I have some sort of psychic ability, if you believe in that kind of thing, as his dad used to read tea leaves until he saw 3 peoples deaths and all 3 died exactly a month after they were read. So he stopped. On top of that I do tarot also and all my readings with my blessed and smudged deck have all come out pretty acurate.
Anyway, must dash to practice!
Tally ho!
Onto other news, I feel like I should be doing more with my life. Such as . . . PLAY COD:MW2!!!
Lollage.
I am currently at Nathan's while he packs the car with his kit ready for practice tonight.
Lately I've been having . . . visions? Or what you might call De Ja Vu. But I've been having it to an extreme. Everytime it happens, in the vision I want to say "Ooh, I've done this already" but then when it comes to it, I'm about to say it, and don't. I change what I dreamed. Now, for those who don't know, my dad broke his neck 2 hours into our holiday in Corfu back in May. He's fine but had to wear a neck brace for 8 months. What I don't remember is the dream I had about it. I had told my mum 2 weeks before we went to Corfu, that I had had a vision of my dad sat in the computer chair with a neck brace on. And I didn't know what it meant. I then totally forgot about it and it wasn't til couple of months ago that my mum told my dad what I had dreamt. He then shouted at me for not telling him else he'd have been more careful! But how was I supposed to know?!
Anyway, point being is that I'm starting to freak myself out. I freaked Nathan out a little last night when we were watching Drop Dead Fred and I said, "I've already seen this with you" and he looked totally confused as he had never seen Drop Dead Fred before. I had dreamt it.
My dad is convinced that I have some sort of psychic ability, if you believe in that kind of thing, as his dad used to read tea leaves until he saw 3 peoples deaths and all 3 died exactly a month after they were read. So he stopped. On top of that I do tarot also and all my readings with my blessed and smudged deck have all come out pretty acurate.
Anyway, must dash to practice!
Tally ho!
Monday, 9 November 2009
WHY THE FUCK WHY
I really and truly can't fucking believe how stupid I am.
I predicted what she'd do if one of us apologised and that she'd glorify it. So what did I do? I tried to apologise so that it would be easier for him to get along with her so it wouldn't be so awkward as I thought we'd might as well all be friendly about it.
What did she do?
FUCKING THREW IT BACK IN MY FACE BY GLORIFYING IT TO HIM!!!! MAKING IT SOUND AS IF SHE WAS THE ADULT AND SHE WAS THE ONE MORE MATURE THAN ME!!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I NOT LISTEN TO MY OWN FUCKING ADVICE AND JUST STICK TO MY GUNS!!!
I didn't think she would change and indeed she didn't!!! I never should have even fucking bothered!! Now I feel sick to my stomache that I even done anything and I really feel like seeing her face to face just so I can wipe that smirk off it with the an old rusty knife and then have the local hobo rub salt into her face so everyone can see the puss and infection that her personality is filled with!!!!
Keep it civil?
Don't trust me?
Said some nasty things?
I told you the fucking truth you stupid little cow cos no one else would!! And if you can't accept that you're no fucking God then maybe you should go bury yourself 6 feet under and see if you can escape that one!!!! Cos I'm gonna be sat on top of it pissing on your grave stone so that one day when it finally reaches you down there, you can drown on it!!!!!!
.Do you think it's got me mad?
Oh I think so.
That's it.
FROM HERE ON IN, I NO LONGER KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I DO NOT RECOGNISE THE NAME. I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLUBBING WITH YOU, I WAS NEVER STOOD UP BY YOU (YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH), I NEVER TOOK YOU TO SOUND CIRCUS, I DO NOT KNOW YOUR FACE, YOUR VOICE OR YOUR LAUGH, I DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOU WORK OR WHERE YOU LIVE, I DO NOT KNOW YOUR FAMILY. THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET THROUGH YOU, I HAVE MET THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE. I AM OFFICIALLY ERASING YOU FROM MY MEMORY AND I WILL NOT TAKE NO MORE OF IT.
.They call me the Queen of Revenge cos I was prepared to wait longer than anyone else could, just to get someone back. I once wait 2 years just to slap someone. My chance will come, and I will take it with both hands and destroy you.
I predicted what she'd do if one of us apologised and that she'd glorify it. So what did I do? I tried to apologise so that it would be easier for him to get along with her so it wouldn't be so awkward as I thought we'd might as well all be friendly about it.
What did she do?
FUCKING THREW IT BACK IN MY FACE BY GLORIFYING IT TO HIM!!!! MAKING IT SOUND AS IF SHE WAS THE ADULT AND SHE WAS THE ONE MORE MATURE THAN ME!!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I NOT LISTEN TO MY OWN FUCKING ADVICE AND JUST STICK TO MY GUNS!!!
I didn't think she would change and indeed she didn't!!! I never should have even fucking bothered!! Now I feel sick to my stomache that I even done anything and I really feel like seeing her face to face just so I can wipe that smirk off it with the an old rusty knife and then have the local hobo rub salt into her face so everyone can see the puss and infection that her personality is filled with!!!!
Keep it civil?
Don't trust me?
Said some nasty things?
I told you the fucking truth you stupid little cow cos no one else would!! And if you can't accept that you're no fucking God then maybe you should go bury yourself 6 feet under and see if you can escape that one!!!! Cos I'm gonna be sat on top of it pissing on your grave stone so that one day when it finally reaches you down there, you can drown on it!!!!!!
.Do you think it's got me mad?
Oh I think so.
That's it.
FROM HERE ON IN, I NO LONGER KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I DO NOT RECOGNISE THE NAME. I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLUBBING WITH YOU, I WAS NEVER STOOD UP BY YOU (YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH), I NEVER TOOK YOU TO SOUND CIRCUS, I DO NOT KNOW YOUR FACE, YOUR VOICE OR YOUR LAUGH, I DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOU WORK OR WHERE YOU LIVE, I DO NOT KNOW YOUR FAMILY. THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET THROUGH YOU, I HAVE MET THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE. I AM OFFICIALLY ERASING YOU FROM MY MEMORY AND I WILL NOT TAKE NO MORE OF IT.
.They call me the Queen of Revenge cos I was prepared to wait longer than anyone else could, just to get someone back. I once wait 2 years just to slap someone. My chance will come, and I will take it with both hands and destroy you.
Monday, 5 October 2009
Is It Even Possible?!
This morning, I woke up next to him. I looked into his eyes as he stared back at me with that little smile on his face. If I could've taken a photo of how he looked, right there, exactly as I saw him, I would have treasured that photo forever. It was something that you could not fake like models try in magazines. In his eyes was a true feeling for the moment. And I just wanted to pause time and take in every little bit of it. And it wasn't just his face that was perfect, it was dim in his room where the blinds were still down and everything had a tint of blue to it. Like I said, a photo moment to treasure forever.
Whenever we're out, at work or at his, I can look at him and feel my soul lifted by a little glow inside knowing that he's mine. But it's when we're in bed, either going to sleep or just woken up and we face each other and just look into each others eyes, it's then - just then that I see something different. I still see the man I love and want to be with for years to come. But I can't help but think, "he's the guy who works in the kitchen who I've had a crush on for over a year. . ." and I still find it hard to believe that we've become this close. Like a school girls dream come true. She finds her man who she thinks she will never touch and yet somehow over time, suddenly becomes closer to him than anyone ever before.
And yet the strange thing is that we both like to have some alone time to ourselves. Although we don't spend every day together, it feels better when you know that when you come back from your alone time, they'll be there waiting. And like, when you turn over in bed and face your back to the other person. Some people take it as offence but we don't.
I don't know how to explain it, I was hoping that this might help but it hasn't. I can't find the words, either I don't know enough or the dictionary doesn't have enough. I try and think of every description in my mind but it still doesn't fully explain the feelings I carry within my heart and soul for this man.
I wonder if there's anyone else who knows how it feels.
Whenever we're out, at work or at his, I can look at him and feel my soul lifted by a little glow inside knowing that he's mine. But it's when we're in bed, either going to sleep or just woken up and we face each other and just look into each others eyes, it's then - just then that I see something different. I still see the man I love and want to be with for years to come. But I can't help but think, "he's the guy who works in the kitchen who I've had a crush on for over a year. . ." and I still find it hard to believe that we've become this close. Like a school girls dream come true. She finds her man who she thinks she will never touch and yet somehow over time, suddenly becomes closer to him than anyone ever before.
And yet the strange thing is that we both like to have some alone time to ourselves. Although we don't spend every day together, it feels better when you know that when you come back from your alone time, they'll be there waiting. And like, when you turn over in bed and face your back to the other person. Some people take it as offence but we don't.
I don't know how to explain it, I was hoping that this might help but it hasn't. I can't find the words, either I don't know enough or the dictionary doesn't have enough. I try and think of every description in my mind but it still doesn't fully explain the feelings I carry within my heart and soul for this man.
I wonder if there's anyone else who knows how it feels.
Saturday, 19 September 2009
You Can Be My Smiggle
Smiggle = Smile + Giggle
He makes me do this alot! ^_^
For the first time, I am in a relationship where I can truly be myself . . . and not be the only one doing it!
I'm not exactly normal, possibly the furthest from it. When I'm excited and happy, I make strange noises, do random things and have little dances to music no one but me can hear. In all my past relationships, this has been frowned upon. I was never encouraged to do it and even looked down upon for doing it and so would have to bottle it up.
But now?
I feel free! I can do it and not be worried about what everyone else thinks, about whether I'm emabarrassing him or something. Instead he encourages it and even joins in! He feeds my passion for being unique, spontaneous and creative. Everything that I adore in life. Just thinking about him makes me want to smile and laugh, thinking of all the times we've just cuddled in bed, chatting away and making silly noises, reinacting scenes of films we like, talking in so many different accents! I have never known a relationship to be so much fun! To an extent that I could cry. And I can talk to him about anything and everything! I feel truly comfortable and open to tell him whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I feel free to really be me! In my life choices, in my clothes, in my opinions, in my feelings, in my beliefs, in my weird interests, in my mind, to just be myself!
Before, I have always had to hide something. The trust was never there because I still had secrets. Graham - couldn't tell him anything, I just quivered in fear. Shaun - Couldn't tell him how I truly felt, I didn't like him spoiling me. Ian - hated his smoking. Jonny - He didn't care what I had to say anyway. Rob - He didn't like tattoos or Tarot.
In each one, there was a problem that couldn't be resolved. It was just differences in personality.
But this . . .
This is insane! No one should have that much of a connection with just one person! We're both aquarians too! Now I know some people are gonna think I'm REAL LAME for this but I find it incredible! He was born on the first day of Aquarius and I was born on the last day! We're both creative, musically minded with a wide range of tastes. Some people will think that if we like the same things, the relationship will be boring. But that's not us. We're so outgoing, random, crazy and (once again) Spontaneous that not a single moment is boring!
I think I'm blabbing too much now.
But I just feel like, if I don't get it out, it's all gonna burst out my chest like Alien did. There is so much I want us to do together, places to go together. Its like I want to take his hand and drag him everywhere like a poor kid with his shopaholic mother! Only, not in the same concept.
We are solid.
I think we will go far! :)
He makes me do this alot! ^_^
For the first time, I am in a relationship where I can truly be myself . . . and not be the only one doing it!
I'm not exactly normal, possibly the furthest from it. When I'm excited and happy, I make strange noises, do random things and have little dances to music no one but me can hear. In all my past relationships, this has been frowned upon. I was never encouraged to do it and even looked down upon for doing it and so would have to bottle it up.
But now?
I feel free! I can do it and not be worried about what everyone else thinks, about whether I'm emabarrassing him or something. Instead he encourages it and even joins in! He feeds my passion for being unique, spontaneous and creative. Everything that I adore in life. Just thinking about him makes me want to smile and laugh, thinking of all the times we've just cuddled in bed, chatting away and making silly noises, reinacting scenes of films we like, talking in so many different accents! I have never known a relationship to be so much fun! To an extent that I could cry. And I can talk to him about anything and everything! I feel truly comfortable and open to tell him whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I feel free to really be me! In my life choices, in my clothes, in my opinions, in my feelings, in my beliefs, in my weird interests, in my mind, to just be myself!
Before, I have always had to hide something. The trust was never there because I still had secrets. Graham - couldn't tell him anything, I just quivered in fear. Shaun - Couldn't tell him how I truly felt, I didn't like him spoiling me. Ian - hated his smoking. Jonny - He didn't care what I had to say anyway. Rob - He didn't like tattoos or Tarot.
In each one, there was a problem that couldn't be resolved. It was just differences in personality.
But this . . .
This is insane! No one should have that much of a connection with just one person! We're both aquarians too! Now I know some people are gonna think I'm REAL LAME for this but I find it incredible! He was born on the first day of Aquarius and I was born on the last day! We're both creative, musically minded with a wide range of tastes. Some people will think that if we like the same things, the relationship will be boring. But that's not us. We're so outgoing, random, crazy and (once again) Spontaneous that not a single moment is boring!
I think I'm blabbing too much now.
But I just feel like, if I don't get it out, it's all gonna burst out my chest like Alien did. There is so much I want us to do together, places to go together. Its like I want to take his hand and drag him everywhere like a poor kid with his shopaholic mother! Only, not in the same concept.
We are solid.
I think we will go far! :)
Saturday, 12 September 2009
Not Everyone Can Pull It Off Like You Do
I feel like a lost soul again.
Something isn't right. I am missing something!
I stay out so much now that I actually panic if I'm in trouble when I get home.
Part of me is missing.
But where is it?
Oh bollocks to it.
Something isn't right. I am missing something!
I stay out so much now that I actually panic if I'm in trouble when I get home.
Part of me is missing.
But where is it?
Oh bollocks to it.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
To Who And For Whome
Once again, I find myself in a predicament.
Gone are the days where you were free to say what you felt was necessary, thus your opinion and views on your surroundings.
But in todays state of conflict, this is impossible and therefor you are not allowed an opinion. Because no matter whether you say it just to encourage a reaction or whether you say it because it's genuinely how you feel, someone is going to tell you that it's wrong.
Goodbye freedom of speech and thought.
Not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say and this is what makes life just that little bit more intriuging and interesting is the conflict of interests. But there's a line that's crossed when tolerance is no longer deemed necessary in society and you are just told that you're wrong, end of story.
Take for instance, the unfortune case of Jade Goody. I myself, feel that yes she was unlucky to suffer such a fate at such an age. However, her previous extortions have led me to have little faith in humanity. But that is not what gets me so annoyed. What gets me agitated is the fact that even after the poor girl has passed, the press and media still find it suitable to exploit her death. My views on this are that they should let it rest already and let her find peace that she had lost ever since appearing on that fatal and humiliating reality show. I don't appreciate what she has exploited in this country but I'll give her credit for raising awareness more than any other celebrity in that Hollywood Whore Boulevard has ever done.
Some people will agree where as others will retaliate harshly saying she was a Saint the whole way through. Despite there being solid evidence that at some points, she was deemed far less than a role model of any sort.
Backing away from this, it is merely a prime example of the real limitations on our thoughts. Maybe it is in fear that someone may just be able to see past this whole facade and see a truer evil dawning.
Even in school, they try to teach you the "right way to think" and how to see things. This I find so hypocritical that it cannot be followed by even the most obedient of students. I look through the year book and think, "wow, such a twat" and then find that I'm looking at myself. Thus is the part of growing up.
...
Why is it you get one parent telling you to do one thing. Then the other parent tells you to do something else which completely contradicts the first order you were given.
All a load of fucking bollocks if you ask me.
Gone are the days where you were free to say what you felt was necessary, thus your opinion and views on your surroundings.
But in todays state of conflict, this is impossible and therefor you are not allowed an opinion. Because no matter whether you say it just to encourage a reaction or whether you say it because it's genuinely how you feel, someone is going to tell you that it's wrong.
Goodbye freedom of speech and thought.
Not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say and this is what makes life just that little bit more intriuging and interesting is the conflict of interests. But there's a line that's crossed when tolerance is no longer deemed necessary in society and you are just told that you're wrong, end of story.
Take for instance, the unfortune case of Jade Goody. I myself, feel that yes she was unlucky to suffer such a fate at such an age. However, her previous extortions have led me to have little faith in humanity. But that is not what gets me so annoyed. What gets me agitated is the fact that even after the poor girl has passed, the press and media still find it suitable to exploit her death. My views on this are that they should let it rest already and let her find peace that she had lost ever since appearing on that fatal and humiliating reality show. I don't appreciate what she has exploited in this country but I'll give her credit for raising awareness more than any other celebrity in that Hollywood Whore Boulevard has ever done.
Some people will agree where as others will retaliate harshly saying she was a Saint the whole way through. Despite there being solid evidence that at some points, she was deemed far less than a role model of any sort.
Backing away from this, it is merely a prime example of the real limitations on our thoughts. Maybe it is in fear that someone may just be able to see past this whole facade and see a truer evil dawning.
Even in school, they try to teach you the "right way to think" and how to see things. This I find so hypocritical that it cannot be followed by even the most obedient of students. I look through the year book and think, "wow, such a twat" and then find that I'm looking at myself. Thus is the part of growing up.
...
Why is it you get one parent telling you to do one thing. Then the other parent tells you to do something else which completely contradicts the first order you were given.
All a load of fucking bollocks if you ask me.
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