Life Has Become Monotonous

Nothing seems to excite me anymore. Work has become dull and now just a chore and not even the single bit of pleasure. The fact that the management is so shockingly CRAP just adds to it. If I want anything done, I have to do it myself. Even my NVQ that requires evidence, no good asking them. I must get it myself.

This boredom of life is only temporary though. I don't want to plan for any more film shoots as 1. I don't have the money and 2. I'm going to Philippines in two weeks. So filming anything now will just stump my creativity as when it comes to editing, I'll be in full flow and then have to leave it for 3 weeks and I dare not interfere with my own creative flow. Once it starts, I'm not going to stifle it.

Even the relationship has become somewhat duller. Not by any fault of our own though. We just don't have the money to go out and do the things we want to do due to Philippines. No doubt that we won't be short of excitement once we get there. It's just a matter of killing time. I'm a little bit concerned for when we come back though. I have officially seen him every single day this year and now we're going on our first holiday together, well with family, but the weekend after we get back, he's away in london and I won't see him for 3 days. I'm slightly concerned that I'm going to become mentally, emotionally and physically too attached to him and will possibly be texting him all the time, wanting to know where he is, what he's doing etc. And I can already imagine that the scars will reopen and some trust issues may arise. The simple case of "I trust you, I just don't trust anyone else". Or is it? I don't know. I'll come to that hurdle later and deal with it then, something might happen between now and then.

I also miss my drumming!! My musical creativity has become stumped due to not having anything to play!!!! I want to write music/lyrics to something but what can you do with it after? Nothing! Western Sand have a song that has a few lyrics I wrote which, I was rather proud about. But I don't think they've recorded it for their new album.

Friendships seem to have deteriated. My ex-best mate has become so distant to me that I'm not really caring if I never see her again. I miss my Godson and feel sad that I'm missing the age in his life where his smiles are their most cutest and other such things. But that's not my fault if the mother won't let me see him ¬¬ In which case, just encourages me not to damn well care at all. I won't waste my time. She used to keep telling me "you can't just throw away 10 years of our friendship away". And now I'm trying to make the effort, she doesn't want to know. So fine.

On the other hand, I have been chatting more to my dearest Wife, Meggy Moo which has uplifted me and become a rather highlighted event in my currently dull being. Although it also brings sadness knowing that this time is shortlived as she's due to move to London in some point during the year for uni.

I really need to start doing something with my life. I feel so dull and dismal and depressed that nothing is moving forward. And one thing I am wishing for, is for the band to get somewhere. And I'm hoping they'd let me come with them. I wish I could be part of it, even in the background making this documentary would be enough for me. I just want to be doing something exciting that can be sometimes unpredictable, fun and involves travelling.

I don't know. I guess I don't really know what I want. But I know that I haven't got it at the moment.

LIFE IS BORING ME!!!! ¬¬

Love Is...

I just have to do this.

This is to the one I call "Smiggle".

You are the very reason I live each day.
You're the very reason I ever smile these days.
You're the exact reason why my my past is full of hurt, so that you could make my future even happier.

"Where is the day without a night?"

You're cuddles bring the warmth that only an Angel could give.
Your eyes possess the power to either bring me up or tear me down.
Your lips hold me like in a trance and immediately I am under your spell.
If you were a drug, I'd be a happy junkie living purely off you.
If you were a disease, I'd rather die infected than be cured.
If you were a Vampire, please let me be your bride.
If you're temptation, I'd take every bite I could and gladly suffer for my sins if it meant I could get another bite afterwards.

You've opened a whole new side of my existence that I never even realised was there. There are things that I am doing purely because of you. There are ideas in my head, dreams in my eyes, hopes in my heart, pride in my voice, confidence in my looks, peace in my hands, your name in my veins, I can barely remember how it used to feel being hidden from the world.

I just can't describe what you've done to me.

But everything you've done to me - I like it. I adore it. I crave it.

And I hope that you feel the same.

But if you are to ever leave, I will crumble. Like never before. Forgive me, but I will wish that the same will happen to you. That without me, you will feel like nothing. Not that I'd ever want it to happen, but they say "you don't know what you've got til it's gone". So I try and imagine life without you and it makes me feel even luckier to have you and my gratitude and adoration for you grows.

I do everything for a reason.




That reason is You

Something Isn't Right

I just feel like I want to cry.

But I don't know why.

It sucks being a woman.

WTF Seriously?!

If you watch porn with your partner, it's fine. If they watch it without you, its an insult!! WTF!!

Ok I don't quite understand my own trail of thought here and why the fuck it's fucked me off so fucking much!!

I watch porn, I'm not afraid to admit that. He watches it with me, but he'd rather watch our own home videos. Fair enough. Tried to watch other porn with him, didn't do anything for him. Now he's watching it without me and specifically blowjob stuff. WHAT THE FUCK EVER HAPPENED TO "I don't really watch it 'cos I just end up comparing myself to them". And yet blowjobs is the worst one to pick??!?!!?

I don't fucking understand why it's fucked me off.
And that fucks me off even more.

AND THEN THE FACT THAT HE TAKES SO FUCKING LONG TO REPLY TO ME ON MSN JUST GOES TO SHOW HE'S MORE FUCKING INTERESTED IN THAT THAN ME!!!!

I guess its that, that properly fucks me off.

FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!

Whats the fucking difference whether he watches it with me or not?!?!? Why does it make me feel like shit just cos I'm not there!!!! I'm the one with all the fucking toys and all he's got is his hand so I should let him have his porn for fuck sake!! It's only fair!! I don't even know how he feels about me having toys, and I make it clear to him that I use them when I'm home without him! It's my way of masturbating! In some respect I kinda feel sorry for blokes cos all they have is their hand to help them physically.

Strange, I've reasoned with myself why I have no right to feel such hatred. And yet, a little part of me still wants to smash his face in and end the whole thing.
Not that I would. That little tiny bit of me is ruled out by the other 99.9% of me.

Jealousy and Wrath are a terrible sin.

History Is Never Far Behind

Don't you find it strange how, when you have a good memory, you sometimes have trouble remembering it. Yet when something terrible happens, the smallest event can remind you of the hurt you felt. And yet again, we're not supposed to remember pain?

I find myself once again in a fight against my own mind and the memories of the past.

All he did was throw his phone across the room.


And yet somehow, just from that one event, in a flash through my mind I saw a fist coming at me. Obviously not his, but a memory replaying itself infront of my eyes. Since when did a phone represent a hand??!

But its the series of events and the actions that followed that haunt me.

When I first got with Shaun, every time he raised his arm to hug me, I flinched. That made him cry. It made me realise also just how badly Graham had affected me.

The first time Jonny got violent around me, it didn't matter so much as he went after others looking for a stress relief and somehow in my mind, it made me laugh as it wasn't me he was after.

When with Rob, he got mad at someone or something and again, threw his phone and slammed doors and I just hid under the duvet of the bed and felt like crying. My insides just began to shake and my nerves were all over the place. My supposed pillar of strength, had just crumbled to the sin of wrath. And that scared me.

And now it happens once again. He throws his phone in an angry rage across the room. Again, my pillar of hope, strength and love has succumb to Wrath and my entire body shivered, my heart sank and my mind wanted to withdraw into its own pit of silence and mumbles of fear. But I overcame it and I spoke to him, got him to talk to me about why. It started to work, he started to talk to me and explain. But then he turned his back on me and left me against a cold wall.

I just wanted to cry.

I had suddenly been transformed in my mind into a small child, abandoned by the one they looked up to. But in my mind I know he probably had no intention of making it seem like that.

and herein lies the tragedy. The joys of having the most hateful, hurtful, violent and painful relationship as the first one you experience in life. Everything else becomes tainted with all these nightmares and fears. Doubts and Paranoia that you thought had gone forever, suddenly return with vengeance with just one little move.

It is something I have to get used to. It's a different matter when we're both angry at the same thing. But it's when he's more annoyed than I am, I think! I don't know, I'm not entirely sure why some things trigger it and others don't. Maybe it's because when Graham was violent and angry, I was fine and in a happy mood. Only to be shot down. Maybe it's that, that when I'm happy, I'm at my weakest, my defences are not up in my mind and it's like shooting an officer who hasn't got his bullet proof vest on because he's off duty and leading his normal life. Yes, now I think about it, it makes perfect sense.

Living with Graham put constant fear into my heart. And for some reason, as I listened to Evanescence, I felt stronger. And maybe that's why I love the band so much, they remind me of how strong I used to feel, how strong I can be, maybe thats why.

Now I remember.

The Right Choice

It was never going to work from the start. I did the right thing letting you go.

Lack Of Inspiration

I think I've just lost all sanity once again. ¬¬

Not only was the IUD the single most horrendous experience of my life, I think it's completely killed my fire too. o.O

I'm finding myself building up with some sort of creativity or craving for it in my mind, but there is nothing to inspire it. I'm thinking of something to do with music but where I don't have a keyboard nor any musical instrument in my house for that matter, I don't have much to work with. I can't play guitar so I can't even use His guitar to strum a few things and drums don't have a "key" as such. Wow, how much was I bullshitting when I told Rob that drumming could open a whole new world of music to me when actually it's just brought me to a complete freakin' stop. ¬¬

Rather wishing I had my keyboard right now.

Poetry also, or song writing, once again is stifled due to lack of musical instruments. And yes, although myself and Him have written a song, he doesn't hear what I hear in my head and nor can I convey to him what I'm trying to achieve as his taste in music is rather different, even though a similar genre, still different in many aspects.

On top of that, Marsai and Diane are looking to make another appearance in my life again. For those who don't know, you don't want to know! Trust me! It's just bad news all round.

And then there's all this damned shite going on with other certain people. I haven't spoken to her for over a year and all of a sudden it's all just clicked that she was behind everything from the bloody start. Even my mum said that her DAD could have been involved in it also! I mean, what the fuck! Seriously! As we get older we're supposed to be more mature but he seems to be stuck in his secondary school ball sack stage? What a cock. I'll make sure I see them both put away. c!#ts

Anyway, everything else is trundling along pretty fine. I think His parents may be getting a bit peeved at me though. Last night there was an arguement cos they thought I'd gone home and actually I was still here. Felt really bad. Think I may be spending too much time to an extent I should practically be paying rent! >.< I'm not normally one to take advantage of situations unless I have no idea who the other people are involved, in which case I wouldn't give a damn hahahaha! But no, I know these people and have much respect for them after what they've already done for me so no, I refuse to take advantage on any situation.

I've also applied on UCAS. My god. I had to PAY to APPLY?!?!?!?!? WTF!!!! The government are concerned that not enough people are going on to further education and such and are giving out grants and whatever they can and yet charge for you to APPLY for the course WHEN YOU MAY NOT EVEN GET IT!!! Now I see where the full circle comes in. ¬¬ Going to be taken round the Uni at some point, private tour, woop woop! See if I like it, although I don't think it's a case of not liking the course, it's a case of whether I can do it or not as writing the damn thing is not a strong point of mine. >.< YES I know that I can write essays of SHIT but not anything that actually freaking matters. When I try and think about my work and what I'm doing, my mind just completely goes into over drive, thinks way too much and then over complicates it for me and I cant think what I'm damn well writing!!!! Yet if I spoke to my tutor bout it, I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. What a load of shite. ¬¬

Lame.

Joys of being mentally unstable.

Pleasant Screams.