How I Got My Hair Done!

Firstly, Jess sectioned my hair to begin cutting it! Boy isn't it long!

Hooray it's cut! By the way my friend Jess is my hairdresser!

Wow thats alot gone!
Look it's my own lil hairball!

On goes the bleach! It did burn at first. The back of my head is still a little sore!

It's gone blonde!

Me, jus out the bath after washing it off!

Jess dries it

Then sections it

Now on goes the red!


















Keep going Jess

Add some foil so I don't mix the red and black, I look like a spaceman!

This is after all the black and red has been washed out!

Some last minute layering

Now to cut the black so it's shorter than the red

And it's done!

Can't see just how bright the red is though. But it is VERY bright!

9 Months - What A Feeling

Well I never thought it would happen.

24 hours after dumping me, Jonny wants me back. We were texting each other with general conversation as though we were friends and it was fine! I was quite enjoying it! I was glad that it wasn't akward between us. Then after saying good nite, i left one kiss on the end of the text and so did he, i then text back saying it was weird not sending 3 as i was so used to it. I then fell asleep. He however, txt back saying "XXX :)" and then 3 minutes later, text me begging for me to take him back and that he wasn't thinking and can't live without me. I woke up 2 minutes after and checked my phone and woke up pretty quick with excitement! He wants me back! Personally I thought it was all gonna blow up at the gig by me kissing him! But instead of showing him how excited I was, I played a little hard to get. Asked him why I should come back to him after he tore my heart up the night before. He told me that he was a fuckin fool for lettin me go, that he wasn't whole without me and had realised just how much he missed me and needs me, he'd been crying since he sent the kisses and wanted one more chance. I sent back saying I'd give him one more chance if he could prove to me tomoro that he means what he said.

And he did. We talked and talked about everything! Things we liked and didn't like. Things that annoyed us, things that we wanted more of. All day we were close, kissing and cuddling, talking and laughing. So I agreed to take him back.

I know I said I was doing well without him as a boyfriend and just as a friend, but truth is I love him and the only reason I didn't feel a loss is cos he was still in my life and still my friend. If I'd lost all contact with him and wouldn't see him again, then I'd probably be a mess!

So a happy ending after all! Maybe this was really meant to be.

Here's To The Newly Weds

First off, congratulations to Carl and Aimee for their wedding on Saturday. Hope it all goes well!

Well, now onto my sorrowful lot.

Last night Jonny went to the dungeon, then dumped me when he got home. The reason? Because I told his best mate about something he'd done while drunk. Um, for the sake of the blog, say its nearly as embarrassin as wetting the bed. Now maybe understand how he feels and why he was angry about it. But I didn't tell anyone else!

I don't know how he'll be when he wakes up sober. Whether he'll remember or not. He probably will. But maybe he wont be so angry this time. We were supposed to decide on Saturday whether we were gonna stay and work it out or not. Guess he's already decided. But we're supposed to be going to a gig next week. Dunno if we're still friends or not. Anyway, at first I cried, felt sick, then eventually fell asleep and after half hour sleep before my alarm went off, I feel fine. Like I'm not bothered by it anymore. So long as we're friends I guess it never will bother me. The tarot cards told me this would happen. Twice they told me and the second time it was the next thing to happen! So I guess soon as it told me, I started preparing myself for it. I just wasn't prepared for the reason why!

Later that day....

He does still mean what he said. So thats it. It's officially over. I've only cried once so far. Nearly cried at work but managed to keep my head high. It doesn't seem to bother me that much. I can now be myself without having to worry what he's going to think and whether he's going to dump me for it. We're still friends and we're still going to the gig next week and cinema. I feel better with him as a friend than a boyfriend. I have no commitment to him therefore have no strings attached to what ever I now do. I can cut my hair again, re-dye it and get my other tattoo! I am not regretting the first one, I'm still glad I got it done even if he didn't like it. Now I can go down the dungeon, get pissed off my face and not give a shit whether I'm embarrassing him or not. If he doesn't like it, he can fuck off. I guess he was starving me of my freedom which is what I want most. And I'm no longer jealous of him. I have nothing to be jealous of. He still has no job, where as I now have everything I need. Freedom and my independence.

As my Godfather said, a pretty lass like you will have no problems finding a REAL man! just enjoy life, have fun and he will come to you!

And you know what? Thats exactly what I'm going to do!

Too Much To Say

Alot has happened over the past few weeks, Jonny and I may not be a couple by the end of this month, I may not complete my course, I may just lose all my sanity and go completely rogue! Killing spree anyone?

Ok with Jonny, went to the dungeon, everything was going well! We were all happy and chatting away. But then Jonny and I had a heart to heart and turns out he was having doubts about us. I was too. He asked me if we could still be friends if we split up. I said I'd try but I wouldn't see him or talk to him much. He then asked what if he found someone else. I said I'd have to block him out my life completely because seeing him with another girl would just break me into pieces. He said he still loves me, but just doesn't know if this will work. When we got home that night, he was crying at the thought of losing me but knew there was no point trying if it wasn't going to work. I understood that. But we talked and talked for hours and the fact that we had opened up was a big step in the right direction. The reason we were snappin at each other before was because we'd stopped talking. Now we'd started again, things were looking better. For the past two weeks we've been normal, had no arguements, gone out with friends, talked more openly. It's our 9 months on Saturday. We're going to a gig next wednesday and seeing The simpsons movie the next day. I just want him to realise that us to talk is all we need to make it work.

As for college. Been told I have til end of july. I've handed no units in. I just don't have the determination to do it anymore. I'm ashamed in myself for feeling this way but I can't help it and I can't seem to find a reason to do it anymore. My performance criteria is only half way done and I need another 3 assessments at least before I'll have completed it. But there's no way thats going to happen before the end of july. I guess thats why I don't want to do it anymore, because no matter if i do all the written work, I'll have failed because the performance isn't complete.

And truth is Carl, the reason I haven't been round is because I've been stuck at home, trying to find the determination to do my work. I refuse to stop looking for it but I've had no luck in finding it. I just wanna stay home and do my work! But I just can't. I think maybe I need to come round, chat with you, seeing as you've done the course already! Maybe you could help. But I'm so lost and so hopeless.

ON A GOOD NOTE!! *yes there is one* I called Courtney in Canada on Sunday night! She wasn't expecting me and didn't even know I had her number! Her dad answered, went to get her, came back asking who I was again because Courtney said SHE DIDNT KNOW ANYONE BY THE NAME OF KAYE!!!! you plonker. I spelt it out to her dad and he said it out loud and when Courtney heard the spelling THEN SHE REALISED WHO IT WAS!!! while all that time I thought I had the wrong number!! :D Spent bout half hour chatting away, our conversation was highly random, ranging from frozen monkeys that would participate in future experiments in about 2 million years from now, to cotton patterns in the cotton fields of alabama cos thats where anything comes from if you don't know the name of the real country! OH! And that an American show had to subtitle it when an English person spoke! CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN FCKING LANGUAGE?!?!?!? Retards. AHA!

Anywho, I'm off to work. Am working on the baby rooms display which is officially "my display" because I'm the only person doing anything with it! I love my job. Just gotta see how long it lasts now.

Trouble In The Soul

How much longer til I can stand up for myself??

I look back at my life and realise that at any conflict with those I love, I back down and become blind to my own beliefs just to keep someone else happy. I've never stood up for my own feelings. I've never spoken my mind so people listen. Sure, I write it here, but why? Because I can't tell them.

I can't go on like this. I'm going to end up drowning in my own silence. I'm doing everything for everyone in order to keep them happy even though its making me miserable. I'm so unhappy but I can't do what I want because no one likes it. My boyfriend doesn't like me getting drunk because I embarrass him by acting like a big kid. I work with children! What more can you expect? I have to be if I'm going to be any good at my job! He calls it being immature, I call it being drunk. My parents don't want me going out. They don't even want me in Southampton, but I don't like Bournemouth. And most of my friends are in Southampton. They dont mind my brother going out, graffitying all over new milton and coming home the next day. Rules for him and me have always been different just because I'm a girl. Apparently I can't look after myself if I get attacked.

WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I TAKE MARTIAL ARTS FOR 8 YEARS??!?!?!? NOT FOR THE HELL OF IT THATS FOR SURE!!!

There are only two reasons why I did martial arts. 1. I was good at it and enjoyed it. 2. So I could protect myself if threatened!

AND I DID!

Even if I was drunk at the time, I still managed to defend myself! I still managed to look after myself! Fuck anyone who says I cant.

My parents never have anything good to say about me. Some support would be nice every now and then. But they never do. The boyfriend never gives me any support either. Constantly calling me stupid. Pointing out something wrong. Saying I'm a retard just because I make a silly mistake sometimes. Beating me at games just so he feels better and I feel like a failure. Showing how much better he is than me at things. I'd like to see him do my job. Says anyone can do it. Says it not much of a job.

SO WHY AINT HE GOT ONE?!?!? IF ITS SO FUCKING EASY WHY DONT HE DO IT!!!!!

I'm fed up of... of. ... EVERYTHING!!!!

My work is about the only good thing in my life.

FUCK YOU ALL!!!! I'LL DO IT MY FUCKING WAY!!! DONT LIKE IT???? TOUGH FUCKING SHIT!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!