This morning, I woke up next to him. I looked into his eyes as he stared back at me with that little smile on his face. If I could've taken a photo of how he looked, right there, exactly as I saw him, I would have treasured that photo forever. It was something that you could not fake like models try in magazines. In his eyes was a true feeling for the moment. And I just wanted to pause time and take in every little bit of it. And it wasn't just his face that was perfect, it was dim in his room where the blinds were still down and everything had a tint of blue to it. Like I said, a photo moment to treasure forever.
Whenever we're out, at work or at his, I can look at him and feel my soul lifted by a little glow inside knowing that he's mine. But it's when we're in bed, either going to sleep or just woken up and we face each other and just look into each others eyes, it's then - just then that I see something different. I still see the man I love and want to be with for years to come. But I can't help but think, "he's the guy who works in the kitchen who I've had a crush on for over a year. . ." and I still find it hard to believe that we've become this close. Like a school girls dream come true. She finds her man who she thinks she will never touch and yet somehow over time, suddenly becomes closer to him than anyone ever before.
And yet the strange thing is that we both like to have some alone time to ourselves. Although we don't spend every day together, it feels better when you know that when you come back from your alone time, they'll be there waiting. And like, when you turn over in bed and face your back to the other person. Some people take it as offence but we don't.
I don't know how to explain it, I was hoping that this might help but it hasn't. I can't find the words, either I don't know enough or the dictionary doesn't have enough. I try and think of every description in my mind but it still doesn't fully explain the feelings I carry within my heart and soul for this man.
I wonder if there's anyone else who knows how it feels.
Monday, 5 October 2009
Saturday, 19 September 2009
You Can Be My Smiggle
Smiggle = Smile + Giggle
He makes me do this alot! ^_^
For the first time, I am in a relationship where I can truly be myself . . . and not be the only one doing it!
I'm not exactly normal, possibly the furthest from it. When I'm excited and happy, I make strange noises, do random things and have little dances to music no one but me can hear. In all my past relationships, this has been frowned upon. I was never encouraged to do it and even looked down upon for doing it and so would have to bottle it up.
But now?
I feel free! I can do it and not be worried about what everyone else thinks, about whether I'm emabarrassing him or something. Instead he encourages it and even joins in! He feeds my passion for being unique, spontaneous and creative. Everything that I adore in life. Just thinking about him makes me want to smile and laugh, thinking of all the times we've just cuddled in bed, chatting away and making silly noises, reinacting scenes of films we like, talking in so many different accents! I have never known a relationship to be so much fun! To an extent that I could cry. And I can talk to him about anything and everything! I feel truly comfortable and open to tell him whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I feel free to really be me! In my life choices, in my clothes, in my opinions, in my feelings, in my beliefs, in my weird interests, in my mind, to just be myself!
Before, I have always had to hide something. The trust was never there because I still had secrets. Graham - couldn't tell him anything, I just quivered in fear. Shaun - Couldn't tell him how I truly felt, I didn't like him spoiling me. Ian - hated his smoking. Jonny - He didn't care what I had to say anyway. Rob - He didn't like tattoos or Tarot.
In each one, there was a problem that couldn't be resolved. It was just differences in personality.
But this . . .
This is insane! No one should have that much of a connection with just one person! We're both aquarians too! Now I know some people are gonna think I'm REAL LAME for this but I find it incredible! He was born on the first day of Aquarius and I was born on the last day! We're both creative, musically minded with a wide range of tastes. Some people will think that if we like the same things, the relationship will be boring. But that's not us. We're so outgoing, random, crazy and (once again) Spontaneous that not a single moment is boring!
I think I'm blabbing too much now.
But I just feel like, if I don't get it out, it's all gonna burst out my chest like Alien did. There is so much I want us to do together, places to go together. Its like I want to take his hand and drag him everywhere like a poor kid with his shopaholic mother! Only, not in the same concept.
We are solid.
I think we will go far! :)
He makes me do this alot! ^_^
For the first time, I am in a relationship where I can truly be myself . . . and not be the only one doing it!
I'm not exactly normal, possibly the furthest from it. When I'm excited and happy, I make strange noises, do random things and have little dances to music no one but me can hear. In all my past relationships, this has been frowned upon. I was never encouraged to do it and even looked down upon for doing it and so would have to bottle it up.
But now?
I feel free! I can do it and not be worried about what everyone else thinks, about whether I'm emabarrassing him or something. Instead he encourages it and even joins in! He feeds my passion for being unique, spontaneous and creative. Everything that I adore in life. Just thinking about him makes me want to smile and laugh, thinking of all the times we've just cuddled in bed, chatting away and making silly noises, reinacting scenes of films we like, talking in so many different accents! I have never known a relationship to be so much fun! To an extent that I could cry. And I can talk to him about anything and everything! I feel truly comfortable and open to tell him whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I feel free to really be me! In my life choices, in my clothes, in my opinions, in my feelings, in my beliefs, in my weird interests, in my mind, to just be myself!
Before, I have always had to hide something. The trust was never there because I still had secrets. Graham - couldn't tell him anything, I just quivered in fear. Shaun - Couldn't tell him how I truly felt, I didn't like him spoiling me. Ian - hated his smoking. Jonny - He didn't care what I had to say anyway. Rob - He didn't like tattoos or Tarot.
In each one, there was a problem that couldn't be resolved. It was just differences in personality.
But this . . .
This is insane! No one should have that much of a connection with just one person! We're both aquarians too! Now I know some people are gonna think I'm REAL LAME for this but I find it incredible! He was born on the first day of Aquarius and I was born on the last day! We're both creative, musically minded with a wide range of tastes. Some people will think that if we like the same things, the relationship will be boring. But that's not us. We're so outgoing, random, crazy and (once again) Spontaneous that not a single moment is boring!
I think I'm blabbing too much now.
But I just feel like, if I don't get it out, it's all gonna burst out my chest like Alien did. There is so much I want us to do together, places to go together. Its like I want to take his hand and drag him everywhere like a poor kid with his shopaholic mother! Only, not in the same concept.
We are solid.
I think we will go far! :)
Saturday, 12 September 2009
Not Everyone Can Pull It Off Like You Do
I feel like a lost soul again.
Something isn't right. I am missing something!
I stay out so much now that I actually panic if I'm in trouble when I get home.
Part of me is missing.
But where is it?
Oh bollocks to it.
Something isn't right. I am missing something!
I stay out so much now that I actually panic if I'm in trouble when I get home.
Part of me is missing.
But where is it?
Oh bollocks to it.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
To Who And For Whome
Once again, I find myself in a predicament.
Gone are the days where you were free to say what you felt was necessary, thus your opinion and views on your surroundings.
But in todays state of conflict, this is impossible and therefor you are not allowed an opinion. Because no matter whether you say it just to encourage a reaction or whether you say it because it's genuinely how you feel, someone is going to tell you that it's wrong.
Goodbye freedom of speech and thought.
Not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say and this is what makes life just that little bit more intriuging and interesting is the conflict of interests. But there's a line that's crossed when tolerance is no longer deemed necessary in society and you are just told that you're wrong, end of story.
Take for instance, the unfortune case of Jade Goody. I myself, feel that yes she was unlucky to suffer such a fate at such an age. However, her previous extortions have led me to have little faith in humanity. But that is not what gets me so annoyed. What gets me agitated is the fact that even after the poor girl has passed, the press and media still find it suitable to exploit her death. My views on this are that they should let it rest already and let her find peace that she had lost ever since appearing on that fatal and humiliating reality show. I don't appreciate what she has exploited in this country but I'll give her credit for raising awareness more than any other celebrity in that Hollywood Whore Boulevard has ever done.
Some people will agree where as others will retaliate harshly saying she was a Saint the whole way through. Despite there being solid evidence that at some points, she was deemed far less than a role model of any sort.
Backing away from this, it is merely a prime example of the real limitations on our thoughts. Maybe it is in fear that someone may just be able to see past this whole facade and see a truer evil dawning.
Even in school, they try to teach you the "right way to think" and how to see things. This I find so hypocritical that it cannot be followed by even the most obedient of students. I look through the year book and think, "wow, such a twat" and then find that I'm looking at myself. Thus is the part of growing up.
...
Why is it you get one parent telling you to do one thing. Then the other parent tells you to do something else which completely contradicts the first order you were given.
All a load of fucking bollocks if you ask me.
Gone are the days where you were free to say what you felt was necessary, thus your opinion and views on your surroundings.
But in todays state of conflict, this is impossible and therefor you are not allowed an opinion. Because no matter whether you say it just to encourage a reaction or whether you say it because it's genuinely how you feel, someone is going to tell you that it's wrong.
Goodbye freedom of speech and thought.
Not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say and this is what makes life just that little bit more intriuging and interesting is the conflict of interests. But there's a line that's crossed when tolerance is no longer deemed necessary in society and you are just told that you're wrong, end of story.
Take for instance, the unfortune case of Jade Goody. I myself, feel that yes she was unlucky to suffer such a fate at such an age. However, her previous extortions have led me to have little faith in humanity. But that is not what gets me so annoyed. What gets me agitated is the fact that even after the poor girl has passed, the press and media still find it suitable to exploit her death. My views on this are that they should let it rest already and let her find peace that she had lost ever since appearing on that fatal and humiliating reality show. I don't appreciate what she has exploited in this country but I'll give her credit for raising awareness more than any other celebrity in that Hollywood Whore Boulevard has ever done.
Some people will agree where as others will retaliate harshly saying she was a Saint the whole way through. Despite there being solid evidence that at some points, she was deemed far less than a role model of any sort.
Backing away from this, it is merely a prime example of the real limitations on our thoughts. Maybe it is in fear that someone may just be able to see past this whole facade and see a truer evil dawning.
Even in school, they try to teach you the "right way to think" and how to see things. This I find so hypocritical that it cannot be followed by even the most obedient of students. I look through the year book and think, "wow, such a twat" and then find that I'm looking at myself. Thus is the part of growing up.
...
Why is it you get one parent telling you to do one thing. Then the other parent tells you to do something else which completely contradicts the first order you were given.
All a load of fucking bollocks if you ask me.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Most Haunted Styleee!!
Last night after work, me, Harry, Sam and Nathan decided to head out to Boldre Church. It was near 1 in the morning and on top of that the clocks went back that night so got an extra hour!
Anyway!! I'm not going to go into details cos I'm supposed to be getting ready for work. But my god it wasn't half fun!! Got frightened the life out of, ended up doing some criminal investigation too. I certainly won't be going back so nieve as I was last time!! I have a few theories as to how things happened cos soem crazy shit went down!! But I would still like to go back there at some point. I even got all the screaming and discussions on video! But I think it's just humurous to listen to rather than anything else.
ANYWAY!!! Top of the morning to ye! I need to get ready for work!!
Anyway!! I'm not going to go into details cos I'm supposed to be getting ready for work. But my god it wasn't half fun!! Got frightened the life out of, ended up doing some criminal investigation too. I certainly won't be going back so nieve as I was last time!! I have a few theories as to how things happened cos soem crazy shit went down!! But I would still like to go back there at some point. I even got all the screaming and discussions on video! But I think it's just humurous to listen to rather than anything else.
ANYWAY!!! Top of the morning to ye! I need to get ready for work!!
Sunday, 19 October 2008
Sometimes I Just Can't Be Fucked With It
This morning is not a good morning.
Last night was not a a good night.
Yesterday. Lets start there shall we.
I basically worked a 12 hour shift. Had an hour break. It was rather quiet during the day. Sarah and I made use of the time, dusting, polishing, cleaning. My boss was at football and the landlord was in the office. We did well that day. But then, my boss came back. No sooner had he come out on the bar, he gave us jobs to do. Yep, ok we'll do them. Myself and Sam were working our arses off all through the night! And yet somehow during the night, my boss managed to find time to stand there and watch the band and chat to people, the landlord was drinking his own bloody stock of ale while Sam and I were holding the damn bar down ourselves!! The band were shit because their lead singer was pissed up and could more than likely have been wheeled out in a wheelbarrow quite happily but it didn't help that his daughter, yes his daughter, was giving him double shots of vodka WHILE HE'S ON STAGE!!!! I can tell you now that our pub lost some respect through that band.
Anyway, you may be somewhat confused as to why I'm so fucked off about my boss and landlord loitering and drinking behind the bar. Well, our landlord had a go at Sam for pouring some cola for herself. YET HE'S DRINKING THE FUCKING ALE!!! I don't give a shit if he's the fucking landlord!! If we can't even drink a softdrink behind the bar, he shouldn't be fucking drinking the ale should he!!!
And then my boss, he's got some motto of his that he believes in and uses for the business. Can't remember what it is exactly but it basically means that if you look busy, then it will be busy. Plus it makes time go by quicker. Anyway, I also have my own motto. Now, read closely into this:
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
ELSE DONT PREACH IT AT ALL
you fuck.
Argh!!! Thats what gets me the most!!! He tells us to keep busy and whatnot then when it is busy and there's LOTS he can do, he fucking stands there and watches that fucking band!!!! Yes you're allowed to watch the band your hiring for a short period of time but you've got a fucking job to do to help us out!! If not, then get over the other side of the bar and GET OUT OF OUR WAY SO WE CAN DO OUR FUCKING JOB!!!
And while I'm on a rant-of-a-whale (not time, a fucking whale cos its that fucking big) my boss keeps telling me that I'll be manager soon. Or whatever time. And I'm starting to realise that he's all talk and not much else. At first it was, when I start the NVQ, then it was, at the end of summer, now it's, when I finish the NVQ. FOR FUCK SAKE!!!! Why not just say, sometime next year. Christ I didn't expect it all straight away, its my first bar job, I aint gonna be amazing the first time round. Argh!!
You know what, fuck you. I'm going to do this bar tender course, so I can move on to the cocktails and the flair courses and advance myself. Yea I know I probably won't use it work. But I don't care. It's something I WANT to do. Not for you. For ME!! And what if I move abroad or something, I'll be able to find a job in a flash because I'll have the qualifications!!
So you're frightened that I'll leave and go somewhere else. Well I am. At some point in the future. May not be for another year but I aint fucking staying there for 7 years or something!! What if I move? That place is going to be unaccessible to me. Or if I get offered something better? Then it's only common sense that I take the opportunity to get better, improve and get better pay!
OH AND I DONT APPRECIATE HAVING 3 HOURS MISSING FROM MY PAY!!
Fucking cheap bastards.
And I don't care if you hate me after this. If you can't take the truth about how we feel then you shouldn't fucking read it in the first place.
Last night was not a a good night.
Yesterday. Lets start there shall we.
I basically worked a 12 hour shift. Had an hour break. It was rather quiet during the day. Sarah and I made use of the time, dusting, polishing, cleaning. My boss was at football and the landlord was in the office. We did well that day. But then, my boss came back. No sooner had he come out on the bar, he gave us jobs to do. Yep, ok we'll do them. Myself and Sam were working our arses off all through the night! And yet somehow during the night, my boss managed to find time to stand there and watch the band and chat to people, the landlord was drinking his own bloody stock of ale while Sam and I were holding the damn bar down ourselves!! The band were shit because their lead singer was pissed up and could more than likely have been wheeled out in a wheelbarrow quite happily but it didn't help that his daughter, yes his daughter, was giving him double shots of vodka WHILE HE'S ON STAGE!!!! I can tell you now that our pub lost some respect through that band.
Anyway, you may be somewhat confused as to why I'm so fucked off about my boss and landlord loitering and drinking behind the bar. Well, our landlord had a go at Sam for pouring some cola for herself. YET HE'S DRINKING THE FUCKING ALE!!! I don't give a shit if he's the fucking landlord!! If we can't even drink a softdrink behind the bar, he shouldn't be fucking drinking the ale should he!!!
And then my boss, he's got some motto of his that he believes in and uses for the business. Can't remember what it is exactly but it basically means that if you look busy, then it will be busy. Plus it makes time go by quicker. Anyway, I also have my own motto. Now, read closely into this:
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
ELSE DONT PREACH IT AT ALL
you fuck.
Argh!!! Thats what gets me the most!!! He tells us to keep busy and whatnot then when it is busy and there's LOTS he can do, he fucking stands there and watches that fucking band!!!! Yes you're allowed to watch the band your hiring for a short period of time but you've got a fucking job to do to help us out!! If not, then get over the other side of the bar and GET OUT OF OUR WAY SO WE CAN DO OUR FUCKING JOB!!!
And while I'm on a rant-of-a-whale (not time, a fucking whale cos its that fucking big) my boss keeps telling me that I'll be manager soon. Or whatever time. And I'm starting to realise that he's all talk and not much else. At first it was, when I start the NVQ, then it was, at the end of summer, now it's, when I finish the NVQ. FOR FUCK SAKE!!!! Why not just say, sometime next year. Christ I didn't expect it all straight away, its my first bar job, I aint gonna be amazing the first time round. Argh!!
You know what, fuck you. I'm going to do this bar tender course, so I can move on to the cocktails and the flair courses and advance myself. Yea I know I probably won't use it work. But I don't care. It's something I WANT to do. Not for you. For ME!! And what if I move abroad or something, I'll be able to find a job in a flash because I'll have the qualifications!!
So you're frightened that I'll leave and go somewhere else. Well I am. At some point in the future. May not be for another year but I aint fucking staying there for 7 years or something!! What if I move? That place is going to be unaccessible to me. Or if I get offered something better? Then it's only common sense that I take the opportunity to get better, improve and get better pay!
OH AND I DONT APPRECIATE HAVING 3 HOURS MISSING FROM MY PAY!!
Fucking cheap bastards.
And I don't care if you hate me after this. If you can't take the truth about how we feel then you shouldn't fucking read it in the first place.
Friday, 3 October 2008
You Shouldn't Care If It Hurts Me, You Do What You Want To Do
So I've been let down. By quite a few people. And yes it upsets me, not so much as to cry but it just annoys me. I don't know why I should know everything, yet when something doesn't go according to plan, its like my whole world has been flipped upside down and I am unsure of how to react to it. Despite the fact that I in myself am not the most predictable of people.
My birthday, my 21st, I have no idea how thats going to turn out. I am getting such mixed responses from people. Seems that everyone is indulged with Uni or something. But isn't my birthday during the easter hols? Well all I know is that it's different for each place so god knows.
Take for instance one friend gave me an idea of what to do and was really excited about it. Turns out that now she's going on a trip with uni. I feel let down. But hold on. She's doing something that she enjoys, its her way of life what she's doing, I'm not going to stop her doing something that could very well turn out to be a once in a life time opportunity or could very well hold something that may change her life. Why should I hold her back? It's not my right to and I support her to go for it even if it means missing what she planned. I want her to do it, to take every opportunity that comes her way. And yet despite my positive attitude for her decision, I still feel upset that she's doing it. I accept what she's doing and I support it, but I just don't know how to deal with this feeling that there's something better to do.
All this dieting is putting stress on me, only a little, but its sending my mood swings all over the place. I nearly had a go at Rob for going to see Queen in November. WTF?! I shouldn't be having a go at him for something he wants to do and probably paid for long before meeting me! Obvious I didn't txt back, save me having to wrack my brain for something to say without sounding bitchy. Instead I just wait til I'm in a better mood before I txt him again. And at this rate, it could be a while. Past couple of days I've been really "clingy?" without even seeing him!! Well, ok more like, sending him msgs about how much he means to me and stuff. He rarely sends anything back that says the same and yet I still do it. Maybe hoping that he will. I don't know. And I hate that fact that when I'm walking round the bar, one of the posters that I made with a picture of him, stares at me as I walk past and soon I'm going to rip it down!! At the moment, I tend to wipe my mind of him when I'm working and if he does pop into my mind, I quickly change to the dragons. Now there's a whole load of endless questions for me to think about with them!
Right now I am unsure how Rob and I will turn out. Maybe its just my mood swing at the moment, who knows, but with my work slowly quietening down with the seasons, and his going steadily up constantly, how will we be able to make time for each other? I don't do well if I know I wont see him again for a long time. And I do even worse if I don't even know when I'll see him again. But once again, the good side of me will support him in every decision he makes, in his increase of work, his increase of popularity, his increase in being known amongst musicians. And even in the fear that I may be left behind, I still encourage him to go further. And this is how I've ended up in such fragile states so many times, I've put everyone else in front, told everyone else to do what they want to do disregarding whatever happens to me and often is the case, that I crash and fall without them. But I don't think about what happens to me, I don't think about that til its too late! But I don't want to hold people back on the account of me. But then I don't want to go futher if people didn't want me to.
I don't know why I'm so messed up. But then if everything was how it should be, there'd be no reason to live. If every day was the same, you would lose the will to even carry on. Without the drama, no matter how big or small, it makes each day different. If I wasn't spontaneous, I'd die boring. And thats no way to go.
My birthday, my 21st, I have no idea how thats going to turn out. I am getting such mixed responses from people. Seems that everyone is indulged with Uni or something. But isn't my birthday during the easter hols? Well all I know is that it's different for each place so god knows.
Take for instance one friend gave me an idea of what to do and was really excited about it. Turns out that now she's going on a trip with uni. I feel let down. But hold on. She's doing something that she enjoys, its her way of life what she's doing, I'm not going to stop her doing something that could very well turn out to be a once in a life time opportunity or could very well hold something that may change her life. Why should I hold her back? It's not my right to and I support her to go for it even if it means missing what she planned. I want her to do it, to take every opportunity that comes her way. And yet despite my positive attitude for her decision, I still feel upset that she's doing it. I accept what she's doing and I support it, but I just don't know how to deal with this feeling that there's something better to do.
All this dieting is putting stress on me, only a little, but its sending my mood swings all over the place. I nearly had a go at Rob for going to see Queen in November. WTF?! I shouldn't be having a go at him for something he wants to do and probably paid for long before meeting me! Obvious I didn't txt back, save me having to wrack my brain for something to say without sounding bitchy. Instead I just wait til I'm in a better mood before I txt him again. And at this rate, it could be a while. Past couple of days I've been really "clingy?" without even seeing him!! Well, ok more like, sending him msgs about how much he means to me and stuff. He rarely sends anything back that says the same and yet I still do it. Maybe hoping that he will. I don't know. And I hate that fact that when I'm walking round the bar, one of the posters that I made with a picture of him, stares at me as I walk past and soon I'm going to rip it down!! At the moment, I tend to wipe my mind of him when I'm working and if he does pop into my mind, I quickly change to the dragons. Now there's a whole load of endless questions for me to think about with them!
Right now I am unsure how Rob and I will turn out. Maybe its just my mood swing at the moment, who knows, but with my work slowly quietening down with the seasons, and his going steadily up constantly, how will we be able to make time for each other? I don't do well if I know I wont see him again for a long time. And I do even worse if I don't even know when I'll see him again. But once again, the good side of me will support him in every decision he makes, in his increase of work, his increase of popularity, his increase in being known amongst musicians. And even in the fear that I may be left behind, I still encourage him to go further. And this is how I've ended up in such fragile states so many times, I've put everyone else in front, told everyone else to do what they want to do disregarding whatever happens to me and often is the case, that I crash and fall without them. But I don't think about what happens to me, I don't think about that til its too late! But I don't want to hold people back on the account of me. But then I don't want to go futher if people didn't want me to.
I don't know why I'm so messed up. But then if everything was how it should be, there'd be no reason to live. If every day was the same, you would lose the will to even carry on. Without the drama, no matter how big or small, it makes each day different. If I wasn't spontaneous, I'd die boring. And thats no way to go.
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