My Happy Ending

Well, things went from bad to worse. Then from worse to better!

Friday night, Jonny told me we were on a break. We were not to txt or talk to each other for two weeks, we'd still be together so we weren't breaking up or anything but he just wanted his space. I respected that, so I said I'd do it.

I still had to go to Southampton saturday morning to have touch ups on my tattoo. My friend Stef who was meant to come with me, didn't show up. So Zoe came with me instead! The touch ups fucking killed by the way!!!

Anyway, I spent the day with Zoe, she called her mates to come down and I called Brett cos he was the closest one and he was coming into town anyway at some point! We all hung out during tht morning until midday when zoe popped home for a while. When she came back, she had a new set of clothes on and pulled out a bottle of rum from her bag. She started drinking it and I warned her to be careful. Her and this guy Alan started running round the park with it, sharing it between them. Alan was very drunk after just a quarter of the bottle and I was worried about Zoe who was still chugging most of it down. We all told her "thats enough zoe!" but she kept going and ran from anyone who tried to steal it. Once the bottle was finished, Zoe was heavily drunk. She's only 13 btw. Her and Alan decided to walk round Bargate drunk and we all followed to make sure they would be ok. By 2 o clock, we'd lost Zoe and Alan but found Zoe back in the park, passed out. We all sat with her. Half hour passed and we tried waking her up. She wouldn't come to so we got a glass of water. Two passers by stopped to help cos they were military paramedics! Zoe ended up throwing up, everyone but this one guy and myself stayed with her. Brett kept his distance and let me get on with it. We moved her away from it but she still wasn't coming too, even after someone poured the water over her face. We got help from the nearby festival and first aiders came. They immediately called an Ambulance. by the time the paramedics ambulance came, it had been 45 minutes since they were called. Zoe had now been out for over an hour. I was worried sick. Her best mate Yasmin was also with me and was giving the paramedics all the information that I didn't have. Zoe managed to get a couple of words out but kept coming in and out of consciousness. She told the paramedics she'd taken speed that morning which I said couldn't be true, for not only does she not do it but she came straight to me when she woke up and she wasn't dazed or wired or anything un natural. I kept in contact with her step dad and mum letting them know what was happening. But when they came over, her step dad shouted at everyone, blaming them for this saying that we hadn't stopped her. At this point I burst into tears and Brett came and cuddled me. People came over and told me its not my fault but I knew it was. I was the oldest one there and I didn' do better to stop her. I explained to one woman what we did and that we all tried to stop her. She then explained it to the parents. Zoe had now been out for 2 hours when the transporting ambulance arrived. By this time, she was a little more conscious than before and they managed to lift her up and drag her to the ambulance. After she left, I was in pieces. Brett was holding onto me while I cried. He was doing what a good mate would do! Little did I know that Jonny had seen me in Bretts arms. Brett and I started walking off, I wanted to be alone now and I told him to go home. He didn't want to but he did it for me.

Just as I left him, I got a text from Jonny saying "It doesn't take you fucking long does it!". At this point I didn't understand. I thought he was on about me texting Tom telling them about Zoe. But it wasn't. He txt me saying he saw me in the arms of another bloke. I txt back saying that he was a friend and was just comforting me after what had happened to Zoe because I was really upset about it. He didn't believe me and demanded reasons y he shouldn't just end it now. I txt back saying I loved him, that I'd do anything for him etc (to spare you the details) and that I'd never cheat on him. He sent a txt bk sayin to just fuck off and that was it, I thought it was over. I ran to "the walls" where we used to hang out and I sat there crying. for about 5 minutes I was there and then decided to go to Jonnys. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I then called again thinking I could leave a message on his answer phone but it rung through. He still hung up on me. I tried again and this time he picked up but I hadn't realised. He hung up then so I tried again and when he answered I explained everything. But he was being sarcastic to everything. At the end he said "you know what? I just don't fucking care anymore!" and with that he hung up. By now I was outside his place round the back and I just collapsed under a tree and burst into tears again. I sent him another text asking for another chance, that I could learn an be better, that I'd be his slave just as long as it meant I was his. I was sat there for 20 minutes. Passers by asked me what was wrong but I just said I was ok. Kinda hard to believe when there's tears streaming down my face like a river.

While I sat there, my head was telling me to just tell him it was over. To just move on and go on without him. But my heart didn't want to let go, my heart old me to hold onto him and not give up. To keep trying to get him back. And I listened to my heart. Cos inside me, I didn't wanna let go either and wanted to work things out.

I then got a txt from him saying "if you want to talk, come to the walls" an I txt back saying I'd be there. I ran from his place to the walls, or tried to anyway and when I got there I saw him standing and looking out onto Mayflower park and the port. He saw me and came down to me. I just wanted to run into his arms but I knew that he'd push me away. So I just stood there looking into his eyes. I then explained everything. And he told me why he was upset with me. We talked and talked, it turned out that he hadn't broken up with me in the first place but it felt like it to me. We both told each other what we didn't like and how we could sort it out. I have to stop being such a drama queen, sometimes I get upset or bitchy about even the smallest things and then telling Tom about it! He has to start going out more with me like into town and now that he has I.D, to get a job too. After our long talk, we hugged and then walked round to Tom, charlie and his new gf Rachel. We walked holdin hands and they were pleased to see we'd working things out. We all hung out for a bit then they left leaving me and Jonny alone. We chatted some more and then decided to go get some food. We took 3 paces then Jonny swung me into his arms saying "I've just realised" and he kissed me! then he said "I hadn't got a kiss yet" and I couldn't help but smile. I was happy again! We'd worked things out! We got kfc and he was cuddling me while we ordered and stuff, saw Gay Dave! Which was funny (he's not actually gay btw). We ate outside, which was nice cos it was a lovely day and I didnt really want to go in yet. Then as it got colder we went back to his where I got a cuddle and a kiss and everything else. He even apologised for everything which I nearly cried about cos it was just so heart felt! But I said, it doesn't matter now, we worked things out and we're back in each others arms, thats all that matters.

So we had our first big arguement. I said to him that all healthy relationships have arguements once in a while. And Jonny asked if we could make them less often! :D

So there's my happy ending. After that, I think we both realised that it could've been worse. But we got through it. And it pays to talk to each other if something is wrong! And I have to stop saying "nothing" if he asks me, cos he's not asking whats wrong, he's asking wots up, and I just say "I'm happy, thats all". Obviously won't say it if I'm not! Lol! But when I look at him like that and he asks, thats all thats going through my head!

I'm happy!

Played for a fool

I feel I have jus lost the one true love of my life.

I thought I could talk to him. I thought he would tell me the truth. I thought he would tell me where I was going wrong. Instead, he lied to me, told me what I "wanted" to hear, lead me into a false sense of security. Made me believe I was right when I wasn't. I didn't want to hear lies, I wanted to hear the truth! I wanted to be told I was jus being silly! I wanted to be told I had nothing to be worried about! All I did was care and love him, he even told me to dump him! I argued saying I didn't want to, I couldn't bare losing him! And I still can't. But now it looks like I have.

I don't want to lose him. I'd jump if he gave up on me. I'd feel so lost and without a purpose, i'd have no more to live for. I can see it already, sitting at the walls, looking down and recollecting every happy memory I have, just to jump with a smile.

I'm hanging on a thread for him. I don't want to be dropped from him. My gut is wrenched up from being so nervous and worried about his response, my heart is banging into walls, expecting the worst, my head is running it all through tryin to find a way out, but it can't. I am so angry with myself for being so stupid.

I love you Jonny, always will. Just hope we can bring it back.

Put Your Faith In God

For You Have No Faith In Yourself;;

Well, things are better. I did manage to talk to Jonny about what was wrong, however I also spoke to his best mate and what he's told him compared to what he's told me are two completely seperate reasons. Both however are valid, it just shows me that Jonny won't tell me everything thats on his mind!

At least he spoke to me. At least he opened up to me.

P.s I'm so sorry Brett. You're a good friend to me, I would like to keep you by my side, if you'd let me? But Jonny is always gonna be the one that holds my hand as I walk. I cannot replace him.

Life is hell.

Lost

I am so lost, I don't know what to do at all.

I've done something wrong to Jonny but he won't tell me what I've done. I don't know what I've done to upset him but he "can't be bothered to explain". I wonder if he can even be bothered with me anymore! I don't want to lose him, I do love him but I just don't know how long I can tolerate his pride and ignorance. He tells me to tell him when something is bugging me and I do! But he won't do the same for me. It's like this relationship works only one way but it doesn't! A relationship is supposed to work two ways and I can't do this on my own! I've even asked his mum for help cos I just feel so damned lost! It's like being out at sea and there's no landmarks at all. I'm doing the best I can but I'm running out of ideas.

Someone help me, please, I need help

To Ask;; Or Not To Ask;;

[[ Why;; why do you do this? ]]

Why is it when I go into town, you won't come with me?
When I go out, whether to get food, go to the bank, anything, you won't come with me? You'll stay at home and play games and then text me when you're getting bored telling me to come back quicker.
Why is it that when I'm not around, you go out and hang out with your friends?
Nearly every day during the week, so long as the weather is good, you'll go out and hang out with your friends yet you won't do that if I'm there even if you're invited.
Why is Tom is the only mate of yours I really know?
You'll invite Tom round whether I'm there or not, yet you'll only invite other people if I'm not there.
Why don't you hang out with anyone else just because I'm there?
The only time I ever see any other mates of yours is when we're out with Tom and we bumb into people. Sometimes we stay and talk but othertimes its a quick hello goodbye then you take my hand and we walk off.
Why do I feel like you're seperating me from your social life?
I can already see it, I'm living with you but you're not there cos you're hanging out with your friends and I'm not invited. And you won't invite me. The only thing you've invited me to is Robyns return party and thats only because you're expected to ask me cos if you dont, Tom will or Robyn. When it was Dave's party, Dave invited me and you but told me seperately incase you didn't tell me.
Why do I feel like you're ashamed of me?
You won't introduce me to those I don't know. I'm guessing that everyone already knows who I am but my instinct is telling me otherwise. I get the feeling that you're embarrassed of me for being too weak or too loud or too upfront. I get the feeling that you're worried how you're going to look just by having me by your side.

I feel like I'm a seperate part of your life. The same way how people keep their work and personal life seperate. I feel like there is something hidden from me. I feel like there is something he doesn't want me to know. I trust him, I just feel I don't know everything.

[[ I hate;; I hate;; I hate being in a relationship and yet still feel alone;; ]]

TATTOO!

I GOT IT DONE!!! HOORAY!!!

I Know I Shouldn't But I Am

[[ I know I shouldn't, but I am;; I'm jealous of everything he has]]

Someone once said to me that the reason I fell for him in the first place is because he leads the life I wish I had. I'm starting to wonder if thats true. It's definitely why I'm jealous.

He has a social life. I have nothing. My evenings are spent on this damned computer doing nothing but fucking around with profiles from various internet sites just to keep me from getting so bored that I actually do my college work. I guess I should really but not being able to think nor having the determination to do it doesn't help either.
He does what ever he wants. I can't. His parents allow him to do whatever when ever and know he has independence and that he'll look after himself. My parents won't let me do jack shit.
He has lots of friends nearby. I have 4 friends within easy distance. Thats pathetic. Hence why I have no social life. One friend is a slut wanna-be yet still wants to keep her dignity which vanished along with the dildo that she lost it to. The second friend is so "christian" that she won't even touch alcohol. She doesn't have a job, go out or anything. Her hobbies include Pokemon, YuGiOh and her dog! My third friend just doesn't have the time recently and for the whole year we've known each other, we've never really hung out and I've only just asked! My fourth friend is the furthest and he has a daughter. Him and his girlfriend are really cool to talk to and hang out with but I know I'll just end up spilling my troubles to them and crying my eyes out and I don't like doing that to people. I have one more, my godfather. But he's often busy or in another country or down in Frome. I do wish he was here now though.
He has places he can go. I live in the middle of a forest. New Milton is nothing and the forest isn't that much fun on your own.
He doesn't have to work. He has the whole day to do whatever. I'd like that once in a while. And he can go out in the evening and not have to worry what time he's back as he's got nothing to do the next day. I'm sure that would get boring after a while but I've not had it for years.

I am so fucking jealous!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I hate myself even more for feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like this. Worst of all, I get REALLY jealous when some other girl has his attention other than me.

I hate this. I hate myself. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm such an idiot.