History Is Never Far Behind

Don't you find it strange how, when you have a good memory, you sometimes have trouble remembering it. Yet when something terrible happens, the smallest event can remind you of the hurt you felt. And yet again, we're not supposed to remember pain?

I find myself once again in a fight against my own mind and the memories of the past.

All he did was throw his phone across the room.


And yet somehow, just from that one event, in a flash through my mind I saw a fist coming at me. Obviously not his, but a memory replaying itself infront of my eyes. Since when did a phone represent a hand??!

But its the series of events and the actions that followed that haunt me.

When I first got with Shaun, every time he raised his arm to hug me, I flinched. That made him cry. It made me realise also just how badly Graham had affected me.

The first time Jonny got violent around me, it didn't matter so much as he went after others looking for a stress relief and somehow in my mind, it made me laugh as it wasn't me he was after.

When with Rob, he got mad at someone or something and again, threw his phone and slammed doors and I just hid under the duvet of the bed and felt like crying. My insides just began to shake and my nerves were all over the place. My supposed pillar of strength, had just crumbled to the sin of wrath. And that scared me.

And now it happens once again. He throws his phone in an angry rage across the room. Again, my pillar of hope, strength and love has succumb to Wrath and my entire body shivered, my heart sank and my mind wanted to withdraw into its own pit of silence and mumbles of fear. But I overcame it and I spoke to him, got him to talk to me about why. It started to work, he started to talk to me and explain. But then he turned his back on me and left me against a cold wall.

I just wanted to cry.

I had suddenly been transformed in my mind into a small child, abandoned by the one they looked up to. But in my mind I know he probably had no intention of making it seem like that.

and herein lies the tragedy. The joys of having the most hateful, hurtful, violent and painful relationship as the first one you experience in life. Everything else becomes tainted with all these nightmares and fears. Doubts and Paranoia that you thought had gone forever, suddenly return with vengeance with just one little move.

It is something I have to get used to. It's a different matter when we're both angry at the same thing. But it's when he's more annoyed than I am, I think! I don't know, I'm not entirely sure why some things trigger it and others don't. Maybe it's because when Graham was violent and angry, I was fine and in a happy mood. Only to be shot down. Maybe it's that, that when I'm happy, I'm at my weakest, my defences are not up in my mind and it's like shooting an officer who hasn't got his bullet proof vest on because he's off duty and leading his normal life. Yes, now I think about it, it makes perfect sense.

Living with Graham put constant fear into my heart. And for some reason, as I listened to Evanescence, I felt stronger. And maybe that's why I love the band so much, they remind me of how strong I used to feel, how strong I can be, maybe thats why.

Now I remember.

The Right Choice

It was never going to work from the start. I did the right thing letting you go.

Lack Of Inspiration

I think I've just lost all sanity once again. ¬¬

Not only was the IUD the single most horrendous experience of my life, I think it's completely killed my fire too. o.O

I'm finding myself building up with some sort of creativity or craving for it in my mind, but there is nothing to inspire it. I'm thinking of something to do with music but where I don't have a keyboard nor any musical instrument in my house for that matter, I don't have much to work with. I can't play guitar so I can't even use His guitar to strum a few things and drums don't have a "key" as such. Wow, how much was I bullshitting when I told Rob that drumming could open a whole new world of music to me when actually it's just brought me to a complete freakin' stop. ¬¬

Rather wishing I had my keyboard right now.

Poetry also, or song writing, once again is stifled due to lack of musical instruments. And yes, although myself and Him have written a song, he doesn't hear what I hear in my head and nor can I convey to him what I'm trying to achieve as his taste in music is rather different, even though a similar genre, still different in many aspects.

On top of that, Marsai and Diane are looking to make another appearance in my life again. For those who don't know, you don't want to know! Trust me! It's just bad news all round.

And then there's all this damned shite going on with other certain people. I haven't spoken to her for over a year and all of a sudden it's all just clicked that she was behind everything from the bloody start. Even my mum said that her DAD could have been involved in it also! I mean, what the fuck! Seriously! As we get older we're supposed to be more mature but he seems to be stuck in his secondary school ball sack stage? What a cock. I'll make sure I see them both put away. c!#ts

Anyway, everything else is trundling along pretty fine. I think His parents may be getting a bit peeved at me though. Last night there was an arguement cos they thought I'd gone home and actually I was still here. Felt really bad. Think I may be spending too much time to an extent I should practically be paying rent! >.< I'm not normally one to take advantage of situations unless I have no idea who the other people are involved, in which case I wouldn't give a damn hahahaha! But no, I know these people and have much respect for them after what they've already done for me so no, I refuse to take advantage on any situation.

I've also applied on UCAS. My god. I had to PAY to APPLY?!?!?!?!? WTF!!!! The government are concerned that not enough people are going on to further education and such and are giving out grants and whatever they can and yet charge for you to APPLY for the course WHEN YOU MAY NOT EVEN GET IT!!! Now I see where the full circle comes in. ¬¬ Going to be taken round the Uni at some point, private tour, woop woop! See if I like it, although I don't think it's a case of not liking the course, it's a case of whether I can do it or not as writing the damn thing is not a strong point of mine. >.< YES I know that I can write essays of SHIT but not anything that actually freaking matters. When I try and think about my work and what I'm doing, my mind just completely goes into over drive, thinks way too much and then over complicates it for me and I cant think what I'm damn well writing!!!! Yet if I spoke to my tutor bout it, I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. What a load of shite. ¬¬

Lame.

Joys of being mentally unstable.

Pleasant Screams.

State of Mind

I feel safe.

Yet I think I'm going crazy.

Is it a good sign if you know you're losing your mind, but you don't mind? Just let it carry on.

How does it feel to be "one". To be in complete harmony with yourself. To be in Nirvana.

I feel like this everytime he holds me in his arms.

I don't want to leave.
I don't want to let go.
I just forget everything.
I forget all my problems.
I forget what I'm thinking.
And I just dream . . .
I feel his warmth.
Hear his heart beating.
Hear his breathing.
I feel his soul.
And it is over powering.

Some people thought you could never feel like this until you die.
So would that make this heaven?
To feel completely free.
I want to do something! But I don't know what.
I want to say something! But it's all just a mumble of words.
I want to make him feel the same! But I am not that great.

I am not God.

I am just little me.

One day, I shall have a career to be proud of. One day I shall have my own family with a happy marriage that I always dreamed of as a child. I will love my children and my husband with everything I am, body, mind and soul. One day.

One day.

I wonder if it will ever happen . . . .

A Pleasure Again

Well after my last rant, I feel much better. I think it was time that "thing" was over and done with.

Onto other news, I feel like I should be doing more with my life. Such as . . . PLAY COD:MW2!!!
Lollage.
I am currently at Nathan's while he packs the car with his kit ready for practice tonight.

Lately I've been having . . . visions? Or what you might call De Ja Vu. But I've been having it to an extreme. Everytime it happens, in the vision I want to say "Ooh, I've done this already" but then when it comes to it, I'm about to say it, and don't. I change what I dreamed. Now, for those who don't know, my dad broke his neck 2 hours into our holiday in Corfu back in May. He's fine but had to wear a neck brace for 8 months. What I don't remember is the dream I had about it. I had told my mum 2 weeks before we went to Corfu, that I had had a vision of my dad sat in the computer chair with a neck brace on. And I didn't know what it meant. I then totally forgot about it and it wasn't til couple of months ago that my mum told my dad what I had dreamt. He then shouted at me for not telling him else he'd have been more careful! But how was I supposed to know?!

Anyway, point being is that I'm starting to freak myself out. I freaked Nathan out a little last night when we were watching Drop Dead Fred and I said, "I've already seen this with you" and he looked totally confused as he had never seen Drop Dead Fred before. I had dreamt it.

My dad is convinced that I have some sort of psychic ability, if you believe in that kind of thing, as his dad used to read tea leaves until he saw 3 peoples deaths and all 3 died exactly a month after they were read. So he stopped. On top of that I do tarot also and all my readings with my blessed and smudged deck have all come out pretty acurate.

Anyway, must dash to practice!

Tally ho!

WHY THE FUCK WHY

I really and truly can't fucking believe how stupid I am.

I predicted what she'd do if one of us apologised and that she'd glorify it. So what did I do? I tried to apologise so that it would be easier for him to get along with her so it wouldn't be so awkward as I thought we'd might as well all be friendly about it.

What did she do?

FUCKING THREW IT BACK IN MY FACE BY GLORIFYING IT TO HIM!!!! MAKING IT SOUND AS IF SHE WAS THE ADULT AND SHE WAS THE ONE MORE MATURE THAN ME!!!

WHY THE FUCK DID I NOT LISTEN TO MY OWN FUCKING ADVICE AND JUST STICK TO MY GUNS!!!

I didn't think she would change and indeed she didn't!!! I never should have even fucking bothered!! Now I feel sick to my stomache that I even done anything and I really feel like seeing her face to face just so I can wipe that smirk off it with the an old rusty knife and then have the local hobo rub salt into her face so everyone can see the puss and infection that her personality is filled with!!!!

Keep it civil?
Don't trust me?
Said some nasty things?

I told you the fucking truth you stupid little cow cos no one else would!! And if you can't accept that you're no fucking God then maybe you should go bury yourself 6 feet under and see if you can escape that one!!!! Cos I'm gonna be sat on top of it pissing on your grave stone so that one day when it finally reaches you down there, you can drown on it!!!!!!

.Do you think it's got me mad?
Oh I think so.

That's it.
FROM HERE ON IN, I NO LONGER KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I DO NOT RECOGNISE THE NAME. I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLUBBING WITH YOU, I WAS NEVER STOOD UP BY YOU (YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH), I NEVER TOOK YOU TO SOUND CIRCUS, I DO NOT KNOW YOUR FACE, YOUR VOICE OR YOUR LAUGH, I DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOU WORK OR WHERE YOU LIVE, I DO NOT KNOW YOUR FAMILY. THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET THROUGH YOU, I HAVE MET THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE. I AM OFFICIALLY ERASING YOU FROM MY MEMORY AND I WILL NOT TAKE NO MORE OF IT.

.They call me the Queen of Revenge cos I was prepared to wait longer than anyone else could, just to get someone back. I once wait 2 years just to slap someone. My chance will come, and I will take it with both hands and destroy you.

Is It Even Possible?!

This morning, I woke up next to him. I looked into his eyes as he stared back at me with that little smile on his face. If I could've taken a photo of how he looked, right there, exactly as I saw him, I would have treasured that photo forever. It was something that you could not fake like models try in magazines. In his eyes was a true feeling for the moment. And I just wanted to pause time and take in every little bit of it. And it wasn't just his face that was perfect, it was dim in his room where the blinds were still down and everything had a tint of blue to it. Like I said, a photo moment to treasure forever.

Whenever we're out, at work or at his, I can look at him and feel my soul lifted by a little glow inside knowing that he's mine. But it's when we're in bed, either going to sleep or just woken up and we face each other and just look into each others eyes, it's then - just then that I see something different. I still see the man I love and want to be with for years to come. But I can't help but think, "he's the guy who works in the kitchen who I've had a crush on for over a year. . ." and I still find it hard to believe that we've become this close. Like a school girls dream come true. She finds her man who she thinks she will never touch and yet somehow over time, suddenly becomes closer to him than anyone ever before.

And yet the strange thing is that we both like to have some alone time to ourselves. Although we don't spend every day together, it feels better when you know that when you come back from your alone time, they'll be there waiting. And like, when you turn over in bed and face your back to the other person. Some people take it as offence but we don't.

I don't know how to explain it, I was hoping that this might help but it hasn't. I can't find the words, either I don't know enough or the dictionary doesn't have enough. I try and think of every description in my mind but it still doesn't fully explain the feelings I carry within my heart and soul for this man.

I wonder if there's anyone else who knows how it feels.