For You Have No Faith In Yourself;;
Well, things are better. I did manage to talk to Jonny about what was wrong, however I also spoke to his best mate and what he's told him compared to what he's told me are two completely seperate reasons. Both however are valid, it just shows me that Jonny won't tell me everything thats on his mind!
At least he spoke to me. At least he opened up to me.
P.s I'm so sorry Brett. You're a good friend to me, I would like to keep you by my side, if you'd let me? But Jonny is always gonna be the one that holds my hand as I walk. I cannot replace him.
Life is hell.
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Sunday, 20 May 2007
Lost
I am so lost, I don't know what to do at all.
I've done something wrong to Jonny but he won't tell me what I've done. I don't know what I've done to upset him but he "can't be bothered to explain". I wonder if he can even be bothered with me anymore! I don't want to lose him, I do love him but I just don't know how long I can tolerate his pride and ignorance. He tells me to tell him when something is bugging me and I do! But he won't do the same for me. It's like this relationship works only one way but it doesn't! A relationship is supposed to work two ways and I can't do this on my own! I've even asked his mum for help cos I just feel so damned lost! It's like being out at sea and there's no landmarks at all. I'm doing the best I can but I'm running out of ideas.
Someone help me, please, I need help
I've done something wrong to Jonny but he won't tell me what I've done. I don't know what I've done to upset him but he "can't be bothered to explain". I wonder if he can even be bothered with me anymore! I don't want to lose him, I do love him but I just don't know how long I can tolerate his pride and ignorance. He tells me to tell him when something is bugging me and I do! But he won't do the same for me. It's like this relationship works only one way but it doesn't! A relationship is supposed to work two ways and I can't do this on my own! I've even asked his mum for help cos I just feel so damned lost! It's like being out at sea and there's no landmarks at all. I'm doing the best I can but I'm running out of ideas.
Someone help me, please, I need help
Tuesday, 15 May 2007
To Ask;; Or Not To Ask;;
[[ Why;; why do you do this? ]]
Why is it when I go into town, you won't come with me?
When I go out, whether to get food, go to the bank, anything, you won't come with me? You'll stay at home and play games and then text me when you're getting bored telling me to come back quicker.
Why is it that when I'm not around, you go out and hang out with your friends?
Nearly every day during the week, so long as the weather is good, you'll go out and hang out with your friends yet you won't do that if I'm there even if you're invited.
Why is Tom is the only mate of yours I really know?
You'll invite Tom round whether I'm there or not, yet you'll only invite other people if I'm not there.
Why don't you hang out with anyone else just because I'm there?
The only time I ever see any other mates of yours is when we're out with Tom and we bumb into people. Sometimes we stay and talk but othertimes its a quick hello goodbye then you take my hand and we walk off.
Why do I feel like you're seperating me from your social life?
I can already see it, I'm living with you but you're not there cos you're hanging out with your friends and I'm not invited. And you won't invite me. The only thing you've invited me to is Robyns return party and thats only because you're expected to ask me cos if you dont, Tom will or Robyn. When it was Dave's party, Dave invited me and you but told me seperately incase you didn't tell me.
Why do I feel like you're ashamed of me?
You won't introduce me to those I don't know. I'm guessing that everyone already knows who I am but my instinct is telling me otherwise. I get the feeling that you're embarrassed of me for being too weak or too loud or too upfront. I get the feeling that you're worried how you're going to look just by having me by your side.
I feel like I'm a seperate part of your life. The same way how people keep their work and personal life seperate. I feel like there is something hidden from me. I feel like there is something he doesn't want me to know. I trust him, I just feel I don't know everything.
[[ I hate;; I hate;; I hate being in a relationship and yet still feel alone;; ]]
Why is it when I go into town, you won't come with me?
When I go out, whether to get food, go to the bank, anything, you won't come with me? You'll stay at home and play games and then text me when you're getting bored telling me to come back quicker.
Why is it that when I'm not around, you go out and hang out with your friends?
Nearly every day during the week, so long as the weather is good, you'll go out and hang out with your friends yet you won't do that if I'm there even if you're invited.
Why is Tom is the only mate of yours I really know?
You'll invite Tom round whether I'm there or not, yet you'll only invite other people if I'm not there.
Why don't you hang out with anyone else just because I'm there?
The only time I ever see any other mates of yours is when we're out with Tom and we bumb into people. Sometimes we stay and talk but othertimes its a quick hello goodbye then you take my hand and we walk off.
Why do I feel like you're seperating me from your social life?
I can already see it, I'm living with you but you're not there cos you're hanging out with your friends and I'm not invited. And you won't invite me. The only thing you've invited me to is Robyns return party and thats only because you're expected to ask me cos if you dont, Tom will or Robyn. When it was Dave's party, Dave invited me and you but told me seperately incase you didn't tell me.
Why do I feel like you're ashamed of me?
You won't introduce me to those I don't know. I'm guessing that everyone already knows who I am but my instinct is telling me otherwise. I get the feeling that you're embarrassed of me for being too weak or too loud or too upfront. I get the feeling that you're worried how you're going to look just by having me by your side.
I feel like I'm a seperate part of your life. The same way how people keep their work and personal life seperate. I feel like there is something hidden from me. I feel like there is something he doesn't want me to know. I trust him, I just feel I don't know everything.
[[ I hate;; I hate;; I hate being in a relationship and yet still feel alone;; ]]
Sunday, 6 May 2007
Tuesday, 1 May 2007
I Know I Shouldn't But I Am
[[ I know I shouldn't, but I am;; I'm jealous of everything he has]]
Someone once said to me that the reason I fell for him in the first place is because he leads the life I wish I had. I'm starting to wonder if thats true. It's definitely why I'm jealous.
He has a social life. I have nothing. My evenings are spent on this damned computer doing nothing but fucking around with profiles from various internet sites just to keep me from getting so bored that I actually do my college work. I guess I should really but not being able to think nor having the determination to do it doesn't help either.
He does what ever he wants. I can't. His parents allow him to do whatever when ever and know he has independence and that he'll look after himself. My parents won't let me do jack shit.
He has lots of friends nearby. I have 4 friends within easy distance. Thats pathetic. Hence why I have no social life. One friend is a slut wanna-be yet still wants to keep her dignity which vanished along with the dildo that she lost it to. The second friend is so "christian" that she won't even touch alcohol. She doesn't have a job, go out or anything. Her hobbies include Pokemon, YuGiOh and her dog! My third friend just doesn't have the time recently and for the whole year we've known each other, we've never really hung out and I've only just asked! My fourth friend is the furthest and he has a daughter. Him and his girlfriend are really cool to talk to and hang out with but I know I'll just end up spilling my troubles to them and crying my eyes out and I don't like doing that to people. I have one more, my godfather. But he's often busy or in another country or down in Frome. I do wish he was here now though.
He has places he can go. I live in the middle of a forest. New Milton is nothing and the forest isn't that much fun on your own.
He doesn't have to work. He has the whole day to do whatever. I'd like that once in a while. And he can go out in the evening and not have to worry what time he's back as he's got nothing to do the next day. I'm sure that would get boring after a while but I've not had it for years.
I am so fucking jealous!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I hate myself even more for feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like this. Worst of all, I get REALLY jealous when some other girl has his attention other than me.
I hate this. I hate myself. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm such an idiot.
Someone once said to me that the reason I fell for him in the first place is because he leads the life I wish I had. I'm starting to wonder if thats true. It's definitely why I'm jealous.
He has a social life. I have nothing. My evenings are spent on this damned computer doing nothing but fucking around with profiles from various internet sites just to keep me from getting so bored that I actually do my college work. I guess I should really but not being able to think nor having the determination to do it doesn't help either.
He does what ever he wants. I can't. His parents allow him to do whatever when ever and know he has independence and that he'll look after himself. My parents won't let me do jack shit.
He has lots of friends nearby. I have 4 friends within easy distance. Thats pathetic. Hence why I have no social life. One friend is a slut wanna-be yet still wants to keep her dignity which vanished along with the dildo that she lost it to. The second friend is so "christian" that she won't even touch alcohol. She doesn't have a job, go out or anything. Her hobbies include Pokemon, YuGiOh and her dog! My third friend just doesn't have the time recently and for the whole year we've known each other, we've never really hung out and I've only just asked! My fourth friend is the furthest and he has a daughter. Him and his girlfriend are really cool to talk to and hang out with but I know I'll just end up spilling my troubles to them and crying my eyes out and I don't like doing that to people. I have one more, my godfather. But he's often busy or in another country or down in Frome. I do wish he was here now though.
He has places he can go. I live in the middle of a forest. New Milton is nothing and the forest isn't that much fun on your own.
He doesn't have to work. He has the whole day to do whatever. I'd like that once in a while. And he can go out in the evening and not have to worry what time he's back as he's got nothing to do the next day. I'm sure that would get boring after a while but I've not had it for years.
I am so fucking jealous!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I hate myself even more for feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like this. Worst of all, I get REALLY jealous when some other girl has his attention other than me.
I hate this. I hate myself. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm such an idiot.
Monday, 30 April 2007
Better, It's Getting There
[[Don't tell me it stops here;;]]
Well, last weekend was a lot better than what it has been in the past. Tom didn't come round on Saturday, which was good because we got to spend some quality time together. I know I was round Sunday too but it was just good to have a weekend to ourselves for once. I don't hate Tom, he's great fun! But it's just nice to have a quiet weekend every once in a while. Jonny actually treated me like his girlfriend instead of just a close friend who gets a kiss on the cheek every so often or a slap on the ass. Anyway, yes things are better. On Saturday, I did go to get my tattoo done however they were booked up SO I've been booked in for this Friday at 3 to get it done. I was with Jonny's mum at the time and we went shopping too but I'll be on my own on Friday! Yes Jonny still won't go with me. However I think the reason being is that he just doesn't like tattoo parlours or something. His parents said about a job going to be a tattooists assisstant. He wouldn't even go in there to talk to someone about it so I think he just doesn't like the place. Anyway, all weekend he was really close to me, sweet and romantic like he was when we first met. And he has a new name for me, Piglet. Yea I know it sounds stupid but its better than Pig! And its cos of how I eat despite the fact he eats more than me.
I bought 9 games on Sunday. Eye Toy Play 3 [Yes Tom, Eye Toy! And it's brilliant!], Jonny and I played it and it was so much fun! Also got Larry's Leisure Suite Uncut thing, oh my god its so funny! Teddy with a Strap-on! Thats all I'm going to say on that one! Jonny got a street football game or something, its good but I just can't remember the damned name, also got Outlaw Tennis [very hard!], Devil May Cry 3 Special Edition [Oh Yes! It's not just on PS3 you greedy bastards!], Stuntman, Eye Toy Groove, another game for Eye Toy and one more game can't remember the name of.
Well at the moment, Jonny is down the pub with Chris and Zinzi, I'm slightly anxious/nervous/jealous or something, I can't put a name on this feeling but its not good either way, just because he's down the pub! I think it's cos he never goes down there if I'm with him. He won't take me down there anymore. I haven't really had the guts to ask him why yet.
I have an assessment on Thrusday! Long fucking last. It's taken my college 7 months to realise that I'd changed placements. Now i'm having my first assessment all over again. I'm supposed to finish end of May and I haven't even got anything ticked off on any of my papers! Nice!
Well, thats all for now. Take care.
[[ Dream as tho;; you'll live forever]]
[[ Live as tho;; you'll die tomorrow]]
Well, last weekend was a lot better than what it has been in the past. Tom didn't come round on Saturday, which was good because we got to spend some quality time together. I know I was round Sunday too but it was just good to have a weekend to ourselves for once. I don't hate Tom, he's great fun! But it's just nice to have a quiet weekend every once in a while. Jonny actually treated me like his girlfriend instead of just a close friend who gets a kiss on the cheek every so often or a slap on the ass. Anyway, yes things are better. On Saturday, I did go to get my tattoo done however they were booked up SO I've been booked in for this Friday at 3 to get it done. I was with Jonny's mum at the time and we went shopping too but I'll be on my own on Friday! Yes Jonny still won't go with me. However I think the reason being is that he just doesn't like tattoo parlours or something. His parents said about a job going to be a tattooists assisstant. He wouldn't even go in there to talk to someone about it so I think he just doesn't like the place. Anyway, all weekend he was really close to me, sweet and romantic like he was when we first met. And he has a new name for me, Piglet. Yea I know it sounds stupid but its better than Pig! And its cos of how I eat despite the fact he eats more than me.
I bought 9 games on Sunday. Eye Toy Play 3 [Yes Tom, Eye Toy! And it's brilliant!], Jonny and I played it and it was so much fun! Also got Larry's Leisure Suite Uncut thing, oh my god its so funny! Teddy with a Strap-on! Thats all I'm going to say on that one! Jonny got a street football game or something, its good but I just can't remember the damned name, also got Outlaw Tennis [very hard!], Devil May Cry 3 Special Edition [Oh Yes! It's not just on PS3 you greedy bastards!], Stuntman, Eye Toy Groove, another game for Eye Toy and one more game can't remember the name of.
Well at the moment, Jonny is down the pub with Chris and Zinzi, I'm slightly anxious/nervous/jealous or something, I can't put a name on this feeling but its not good either way, just because he's down the pub! I think it's cos he never goes down there if I'm with him. He won't take me down there anymore. I haven't really had the guts to ask him why yet.
I have an assessment on Thrusday! Long fucking last. It's taken my college 7 months to realise that I'd changed placements. Now i'm having my first assessment all over again. I'm supposed to finish end of May and I haven't even got anything ticked off on any of my papers! Nice!
Well, thats all for now. Take care.
[[ Dream as tho;; you'll live forever]]
[[ Live as tho;; you'll die tomorrow]]
Sunday, 22 April 2007
6 Months Pass
Yesterday was our 6 month anniversary.
I stayed over from Friday and come home yesterday night. Tom was round Friday and I asked Jonny if it would be ok for it to be just us on ou anniversary so that we could do something special. Instead, Jonny invited Tom back over. Which I don't mind, Tom is great fun but I was kinda upset with Jonny that he'd forgotten what I asked. I was gonna take him down the beach, just us two but we didn't. We still managed to spend some time together that night before I had to leave so it wasn't a complete loss.
Next saturday I will be getting my tattoo done. It's going to have "Mistress" written above it but in Dragon Script so that no one knows what it says!
Um, today I'm going down the beach with my mate Jess and her brother and sister and will be trying out my new bikini! I did wear it yesterday to sunbathe and got a slight tan which im quite disappointed about but thats cos I need to be in the sea to get a good tan!
Well this is going to be short. I don't have much to say.
I stayed over from Friday and come home yesterday night. Tom was round Friday and I asked Jonny if it would be ok for it to be just us on ou anniversary so that we could do something special. Instead, Jonny invited Tom back over. Which I don't mind, Tom is great fun but I was kinda upset with Jonny that he'd forgotten what I asked. I was gonna take him down the beach, just us two but we didn't. We still managed to spend some time together that night before I had to leave so it wasn't a complete loss.
Next saturday I will be getting my tattoo done. It's going to have "Mistress" written above it but in Dragon Script so that no one knows what it says!
Um, today I'm going down the beach with my mate Jess and her brother and sister and will be trying out my new bikini! I did wear it yesterday to sunbathe and got a slight tan which im quite disappointed about but thats cos I need to be in the sea to get a good tan!
Well this is going to be short. I don't have much to say.
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