How I Got My Hair Done!

Firstly, Jess sectioned my hair to begin cutting it! Boy isn't it long!

Hooray it's cut! By the way my friend Jess is my hairdresser!

Wow thats alot gone!
Look it's my own lil hairball!

On goes the bleach! It did burn at first. The back of my head is still a little sore!

It's gone blonde!

Me, jus out the bath after washing it off!

Jess dries it

Then sections it

Now on goes the red!


















Keep going Jess

Add some foil so I don't mix the red and black, I look like a spaceman!

This is after all the black and red has been washed out!

Some last minute layering

Now to cut the black so it's shorter than the red

And it's done!

Can't see just how bright the red is though. But it is VERY bright!

9 Months - What A Feeling

Well I never thought it would happen.

24 hours after dumping me, Jonny wants me back. We were texting each other with general conversation as though we were friends and it was fine! I was quite enjoying it! I was glad that it wasn't akward between us. Then after saying good nite, i left one kiss on the end of the text and so did he, i then text back saying it was weird not sending 3 as i was so used to it. I then fell asleep. He however, txt back saying "XXX :)" and then 3 minutes later, text me begging for me to take him back and that he wasn't thinking and can't live without me. I woke up 2 minutes after and checked my phone and woke up pretty quick with excitement! He wants me back! Personally I thought it was all gonna blow up at the gig by me kissing him! But instead of showing him how excited I was, I played a little hard to get. Asked him why I should come back to him after he tore my heart up the night before. He told me that he was a fuckin fool for lettin me go, that he wasn't whole without me and had realised just how much he missed me and needs me, he'd been crying since he sent the kisses and wanted one more chance. I sent back saying I'd give him one more chance if he could prove to me tomoro that he means what he said.

And he did. We talked and talked about everything! Things we liked and didn't like. Things that annoyed us, things that we wanted more of. All day we were close, kissing and cuddling, talking and laughing. So I agreed to take him back.

I know I said I was doing well without him as a boyfriend and just as a friend, but truth is I love him and the only reason I didn't feel a loss is cos he was still in my life and still my friend. If I'd lost all contact with him and wouldn't see him again, then I'd probably be a mess!

So a happy ending after all! Maybe this was really meant to be.

Here's To The Newly Weds

First off, congratulations to Carl and Aimee for their wedding on Saturday. Hope it all goes well!

Well, now onto my sorrowful lot.

Last night Jonny went to the dungeon, then dumped me when he got home. The reason? Because I told his best mate about something he'd done while drunk. Um, for the sake of the blog, say its nearly as embarrassin as wetting the bed. Now maybe understand how he feels and why he was angry about it. But I didn't tell anyone else!

I don't know how he'll be when he wakes up sober. Whether he'll remember or not. He probably will. But maybe he wont be so angry this time. We were supposed to decide on Saturday whether we were gonna stay and work it out or not. Guess he's already decided. But we're supposed to be going to a gig next week. Dunno if we're still friends or not. Anyway, at first I cried, felt sick, then eventually fell asleep and after half hour sleep before my alarm went off, I feel fine. Like I'm not bothered by it anymore. So long as we're friends I guess it never will bother me. The tarot cards told me this would happen. Twice they told me and the second time it was the next thing to happen! So I guess soon as it told me, I started preparing myself for it. I just wasn't prepared for the reason why!

Later that day....

He does still mean what he said. So thats it. It's officially over. I've only cried once so far. Nearly cried at work but managed to keep my head high. It doesn't seem to bother me that much. I can now be myself without having to worry what he's going to think and whether he's going to dump me for it. We're still friends and we're still going to the gig next week and cinema. I feel better with him as a friend than a boyfriend. I have no commitment to him therefore have no strings attached to what ever I now do. I can cut my hair again, re-dye it and get my other tattoo! I am not regretting the first one, I'm still glad I got it done even if he didn't like it. Now I can go down the dungeon, get pissed off my face and not give a shit whether I'm embarrassing him or not. If he doesn't like it, he can fuck off. I guess he was starving me of my freedom which is what I want most. And I'm no longer jealous of him. I have nothing to be jealous of. He still has no job, where as I now have everything I need. Freedom and my independence.

As my Godfather said, a pretty lass like you will have no problems finding a REAL man! just enjoy life, have fun and he will come to you!

And you know what? Thats exactly what I'm going to do!

Too Much To Say

Alot has happened over the past few weeks, Jonny and I may not be a couple by the end of this month, I may not complete my course, I may just lose all my sanity and go completely rogue! Killing spree anyone?

Ok with Jonny, went to the dungeon, everything was going well! We were all happy and chatting away. But then Jonny and I had a heart to heart and turns out he was having doubts about us. I was too. He asked me if we could still be friends if we split up. I said I'd try but I wouldn't see him or talk to him much. He then asked what if he found someone else. I said I'd have to block him out my life completely because seeing him with another girl would just break me into pieces. He said he still loves me, but just doesn't know if this will work. When we got home that night, he was crying at the thought of losing me but knew there was no point trying if it wasn't going to work. I understood that. But we talked and talked for hours and the fact that we had opened up was a big step in the right direction. The reason we were snappin at each other before was because we'd stopped talking. Now we'd started again, things were looking better. For the past two weeks we've been normal, had no arguements, gone out with friends, talked more openly. It's our 9 months on Saturday. We're going to a gig next wednesday and seeing The simpsons movie the next day. I just want him to realise that us to talk is all we need to make it work.

As for college. Been told I have til end of july. I've handed no units in. I just don't have the determination to do it anymore. I'm ashamed in myself for feeling this way but I can't help it and I can't seem to find a reason to do it anymore. My performance criteria is only half way done and I need another 3 assessments at least before I'll have completed it. But there's no way thats going to happen before the end of july. I guess thats why I don't want to do it anymore, because no matter if i do all the written work, I'll have failed because the performance isn't complete.

And truth is Carl, the reason I haven't been round is because I've been stuck at home, trying to find the determination to do my work. I refuse to stop looking for it but I've had no luck in finding it. I just wanna stay home and do my work! But I just can't. I think maybe I need to come round, chat with you, seeing as you've done the course already! Maybe you could help. But I'm so lost and so hopeless.

ON A GOOD NOTE!! *yes there is one* I called Courtney in Canada on Sunday night! She wasn't expecting me and didn't even know I had her number! Her dad answered, went to get her, came back asking who I was again because Courtney said SHE DIDNT KNOW ANYONE BY THE NAME OF KAYE!!!! you plonker. I spelt it out to her dad and he said it out loud and when Courtney heard the spelling THEN SHE REALISED WHO IT WAS!!! while all that time I thought I had the wrong number!! :D Spent bout half hour chatting away, our conversation was highly random, ranging from frozen monkeys that would participate in future experiments in about 2 million years from now, to cotton patterns in the cotton fields of alabama cos thats where anything comes from if you don't know the name of the real country! OH! And that an American show had to subtitle it when an English person spoke! CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN FCKING LANGUAGE?!?!?!? Retards. AHA!

Anywho, I'm off to work. Am working on the baby rooms display which is officially "my display" because I'm the only person doing anything with it! I love my job. Just gotta see how long it lasts now.

Trouble In The Soul

How much longer til I can stand up for myself??

I look back at my life and realise that at any conflict with those I love, I back down and become blind to my own beliefs just to keep someone else happy. I've never stood up for my own feelings. I've never spoken my mind so people listen. Sure, I write it here, but why? Because I can't tell them.

I can't go on like this. I'm going to end up drowning in my own silence. I'm doing everything for everyone in order to keep them happy even though its making me miserable. I'm so unhappy but I can't do what I want because no one likes it. My boyfriend doesn't like me getting drunk because I embarrass him by acting like a big kid. I work with children! What more can you expect? I have to be if I'm going to be any good at my job! He calls it being immature, I call it being drunk. My parents don't want me going out. They don't even want me in Southampton, but I don't like Bournemouth. And most of my friends are in Southampton. They dont mind my brother going out, graffitying all over new milton and coming home the next day. Rules for him and me have always been different just because I'm a girl. Apparently I can't look after myself if I get attacked.

WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I TAKE MARTIAL ARTS FOR 8 YEARS??!?!?!? NOT FOR THE HELL OF IT THATS FOR SURE!!!

There are only two reasons why I did martial arts. 1. I was good at it and enjoyed it. 2. So I could protect myself if threatened!

AND I DID!

Even if I was drunk at the time, I still managed to defend myself! I still managed to look after myself! Fuck anyone who says I cant.

My parents never have anything good to say about me. Some support would be nice every now and then. But they never do. The boyfriend never gives me any support either. Constantly calling me stupid. Pointing out something wrong. Saying I'm a retard just because I make a silly mistake sometimes. Beating me at games just so he feels better and I feel like a failure. Showing how much better he is than me at things. I'd like to see him do my job. Says anyone can do it. Says it not much of a job.

SO WHY AINT HE GOT ONE?!?!? IF ITS SO FUCKING EASY WHY DONT HE DO IT!!!!!

I'm fed up of... of. ... EVERYTHING!!!!

My work is about the only good thing in my life.

FUCK YOU ALL!!!! I'LL DO IT MY FUCKING WAY!!! DONT LIKE IT???? TOUGH FUCKING SHIT!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!

My Happy Ending

Well, things went from bad to worse. Then from worse to better!

Friday night, Jonny told me we were on a break. We were not to txt or talk to each other for two weeks, we'd still be together so we weren't breaking up or anything but he just wanted his space. I respected that, so I said I'd do it.

I still had to go to Southampton saturday morning to have touch ups on my tattoo. My friend Stef who was meant to come with me, didn't show up. So Zoe came with me instead! The touch ups fucking killed by the way!!!

Anyway, I spent the day with Zoe, she called her mates to come down and I called Brett cos he was the closest one and he was coming into town anyway at some point! We all hung out during tht morning until midday when zoe popped home for a while. When she came back, she had a new set of clothes on and pulled out a bottle of rum from her bag. She started drinking it and I warned her to be careful. Her and this guy Alan started running round the park with it, sharing it between them. Alan was very drunk after just a quarter of the bottle and I was worried about Zoe who was still chugging most of it down. We all told her "thats enough zoe!" but she kept going and ran from anyone who tried to steal it. Once the bottle was finished, Zoe was heavily drunk. She's only 13 btw. Her and Alan decided to walk round Bargate drunk and we all followed to make sure they would be ok. By 2 o clock, we'd lost Zoe and Alan but found Zoe back in the park, passed out. We all sat with her. Half hour passed and we tried waking her up. She wouldn't come to so we got a glass of water. Two passers by stopped to help cos they were military paramedics! Zoe ended up throwing up, everyone but this one guy and myself stayed with her. Brett kept his distance and let me get on with it. We moved her away from it but she still wasn't coming too, even after someone poured the water over her face. We got help from the nearby festival and first aiders came. They immediately called an Ambulance. by the time the paramedics ambulance came, it had been 45 minutes since they were called. Zoe had now been out for over an hour. I was worried sick. Her best mate Yasmin was also with me and was giving the paramedics all the information that I didn't have. Zoe managed to get a couple of words out but kept coming in and out of consciousness. She told the paramedics she'd taken speed that morning which I said couldn't be true, for not only does she not do it but she came straight to me when she woke up and she wasn't dazed or wired or anything un natural. I kept in contact with her step dad and mum letting them know what was happening. But when they came over, her step dad shouted at everyone, blaming them for this saying that we hadn't stopped her. At this point I burst into tears and Brett came and cuddled me. People came over and told me its not my fault but I knew it was. I was the oldest one there and I didn' do better to stop her. I explained to one woman what we did and that we all tried to stop her. She then explained it to the parents. Zoe had now been out for 2 hours when the transporting ambulance arrived. By this time, she was a little more conscious than before and they managed to lift her up and drag her to the ambulance. After she left, I was in pieces. Brett was holding onto me while I cried. He was doing what a good mate would do! Little did I know that Jonny had seen me in Bretts arms. Brett and I started walking off, I wanted to be alone now and I told him to go home. He didn't want to but he did it for me.

Just as I left him, I got a text from Jonny saying "It doesn't take you fucking long does it!". At this point I didn't understand. I thought he was on about me texting Tom telling them about Zoe. But it wasn't. He txt me saying he saw me in the arms of another bloke. I txt back saying that he was a friend and was just comforting me after what had happened to Zoe because I was really upset about it. He didn't believe me and demanded reasons y he shouldn't just end it now. I txt back saying I loved him, that I'd do anything for him etc (to spare you the details) and that I'd never cheat on him. He sent a txt bk sayin to just fuck off and that was it, I thought it was over. I ran to "the walls" where we used to hang out and I sat there crying. for about 5 minutes I was there and then decided to go to Jonnys. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I then called again thinking I could leave a message on his answer phone but it rung through. He still hung up on me. I tried again and this time he picked up but I hadn't realised. He hung up then so I tried again and when he answered I explained everything. But he was being sarcastic to everything. At the end he said "you know what? I just don't fucking care anymore!" and with that he hung up. By now I was outside his place round the back and I just collapsed under a tree and burst into tears again. I sent him another text asking for another chance, that I could learn an be better, that I'd be his slave just as long as it meant I was his. I was sat there for 20 minutes. Passers by asked me what was wrong but I just said I was ok. Kinda hard to believe when there's tears streaming down my face like a river.

While I sat there, my head was telling me to just tell him it was over. To just move on and go on without him. But my heart didn't want to let go, my heart old me to hold onto him and not give up. To keep trying to get him back. And I listened to my heart. Cos inside me, I didn't wanna let go either and wanted to work things out.

I then got a txt from him saying "if you want to talk, come to the walls" an I txt back saying I'd be there. I ran from his place to the walls, or tried to anyway and when I got there I saw him standing and looking out onto Mayflower park and the port. He saw me and came down to me. I just wanted to run into his arms but I knew that he'd push me away. So I just stood there looking into his eyes. I then explained everything. And he told me why he was upset with me. We talked and talked, it turned out that he hadn't broken up with me in the first place but it felt like it to me. We both told each other what we didn't like and how we could sort it out. I have to stop being such a drama queen, sometimes I get upset or bitchy about even the smallest things and then telling Tom about it! He has to start going out more with me like into town and now that he has I.D, to get a job too. After our long talk, we hugged and then walked round to Tom, charlie and his new gf Rachel. We walked holdin hands and they were pleased to see we'd working things out. We all hung out for a bit then they left leaving me and Jonny alone. We chatted some more and then decided to go get some food. We took 3 paces then Jonny swung me into his arms saying "I've just realised" and he kissed me! then he said "I hadn't got a kiss yet" and I couldn't help but smile. I was happy again! We'd worked things out! We got kfc and he was cuddling me while we ordered and stuff, saw Gay Dave! Which was funny (he's not actually gay btw). We ate outside, which was nice cos it was a lovely day and I didnt really want to go in yet. Then as it got colder we went back to his where I got a cuddle and a kiss and everything else. He even apologised for everything which I nearly cried about cos it was just so heart felt! But I said, it doesn't matter now, we worked things out and we're back in each others arms, thats all that matters.

So we had our first big arguement. I said to him that all healthy relationships have arguements once in a while. And Jonny asked if we could make them less often! :D

So there's my happy ending. After that, I think we both realised that it could've been worse. But we got through it. And it pays to talk to each other if something is wrong! And I have to stop saying "nothing" if he asks me, cos he's not asking whats wrong, he's asking wots up, and I just say "I'm happy, thats all". Obviously won't say it if I'm not! Lol! But when I look at him like that and he asks, thats all thats going through my head!

I'm happy!

Played for a fool

I feel I have jus lost the one true love of my life.

I thought I could talk to him. I thought he would tell me the truth. I thought he would tell me where I was going wrong. Instead, he lied to me, told me what I "wanted" to hear, lead me into a false sense of security. Made me believe I was right when I wasn't. I didn't want to hear lies, I wanted to hear the truth! I wanted to be told I was jus being silly! I wanted to be told I had nothing to be worried about! All I did was care and love him, he even told me to dump him! I argued saying I didn't want to, I couldn't bare losing him! And I still can't. But now it looks like I have.

I don't want to lose him. I'd jump if he gave up on me. I'd feel so lost and without a purpose, i'd have no more to live for. I can see it already, sitting at the walls, looking down and recollecting every happy memory I have, just to jump with a smile.

I'm hanging on a thread for him. I don't want to be dropped from him. My gut is wrenched up from being so nervous and worried about his response, my heart is banging into walls, expecting the worst, my head is running it all through tryin to find a way out, but it can't. I am so angry with myself for being so stupid.

I love you Jonny, always will. Just hope we can bring it back.